Monday, July 17, 2006

Three Tests

So I woke up Saturday morning and figured that I would take a pregnancy test. Just to see. I had taken one a few days before and it had come out negative. My period was due Thursday and it still hadn't arrived so I thought, "Okay, I'll take the cheap pregnancy test and if it's negative, no big deal.." I went back and forth, deciding if I should take it or not. My poor bladder was all, "Make up your damn mind!" and I finally decided that yes, I would pee in the cup.

And I did.

Tommy was asking for his breakfast at this point and I told him, "Hold on, hold on, just let me dip this thing for twenty seconds."

Tommy, of course, was disgusted. To him I was playing with my pee. He didn't like that. He went, "That yucky, Mommy," as I dipped the test into the cup.

I know, son, I know.

After I put the protective cap on the test I asked Tommy what he wanted for breakfast.

"Muffins!" Tommy told me so I started to head off to the kitchen. My eyes flicked down to the test, which was in the palm of my hand.

I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the plus sign.

I stopped abruptly and peered down at the test.

"WHAT?" I shouted and then darted back into the bathroom to look at the box that it came in. I looked and saw that yes, the plus meant that I was pregnant. Then, in case the box was lying I scrambled for the instructions and realized that I had lost my ability to read.

Ten seconds later I figured out that I was looking on the Spanish side.

I flipped it over and saw that yes, the test was positive.

Then I panicked.

I grabbed the EPT and dipped that in the pee. Surely the cheap test was confused and didn't know what it was doing.

Right away, a plus sign came up.

I panicked some more and grabbed the digital test. Dipped that. Waited for thirty seconds and yup, it popped out pregnant.

"WHAT?" I screeched again.

I started to walk around the house in circles, the positive tests in my hands. Tommy was following me around saying, "Mommy! I HUNGEE!"

Poor thing. Already getting forgotten.

I paced back and forth, back and forth, Tommy at my heels.

"Is it true? Are these tests faulty? Maybe they were exposed to sunlight.." I mumbled.

I all of a sudden stopped and Tommy ran straight into my butt.

"Ouch!" he laughed, rubbing his nose.

I bent down to his level and said, "Tommy. Mommy is going to have a baby!"

And usually, if I mention a baby Tommy will immediately say, "No baby today!" But this time he nodded and went, "Yes baby." Then he went, "Mommy I HUNGEE!"

I was still in disbelief. I grabbed the phone and dialed Tom's cell phone. It went straight to voice mail. I sighed and turned off the phone and then figured I ought to feed Tommy before he passed out from hunger. I cut him up a muffin and he eagerly dug into his food.

"I have to tell SOMEONE!" I announced. I couldn't call the States, everyone was still asleep. Tom had switched off the cell phone. I knew he should be the first to know but I couldn't wait.

Patience is not something that I possess.

So I called Jennifer.

When she picked up the phone I launched into what happened: "Jennifer I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive and then I figured the test was cheap so I took an EPT and that came out positive and then I took the digital and that came up pregnant." Run on sentence much?

Jennifer sounded half asleep when she answered but after I told her that she was alert.

I babbled to her that I couldn't believe it, was it really true, why won't Tom pick up the phone, I'm in shock....

I talked to her for about five minutes and then tried to settle down on the couch. I chewed my fingernails for a few seconds. Then I stood back up and checked on the tests, to make sure they were still positive. Maybe I had purchased Trick Pregnancy tests and hadn't realized it.

But nope.

The plus signs were still there.

The digital test still beared "Pregnant."

If I had another pregnancy test in the house I'd have taken that one too.

Then the phone rang.

I answered and it was Tom.

"Hey, what's up?" he said.

My heart thumped nervously. Then I said, "You have very potent sperm."

Tom went, "Huh?" and probably wondered if he had accidentally dialed a sex hotline.

Then I poured it all out.

"Tom I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive! Then I panicked and took another pregnancy test and that came out positive. Then I took the digital test, you know, the one you thought was cool and that came out pregnant!"

I took a breath.

I waited for Tom to tell me how wonderful it was, how great, but instead he laughed.


Finally he went, "Hah I told you! Didn't I tell you? But you kept saying "no I can't be," but I knew it when you didn't finish your chocolate blast. I mean you, not finishing CHOCOLATE? I knew it!"

Of course.

Being a typical male he had to rub it in that he was right and I was wrong.

"Are you..happy?" I asked.

"Are you?"

"I'm in shock."

We talked for a few minutes and then he had to go.

I managed to get through the day even though I felt like I was in some sort of haze.

I just couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe it had happened so fast.

When Tom came home I expected him to take me in his arms like they do in the movies when someone finds out they're pregnant.

Instead he took a piss.

Complete with an, "Ahhh, that felt good. I've been holding that in for hours."

Um hello? Newly pregnant wife in the house!

Then he went into the living room and saw the positive tests.

"I told you!" he said again.

Then, finally, he took me in his arms and rubbed my stomach. "You'll be getting a lot of that," he said softly.

After that he started with the phone calls. First he called his mother. He went, "Mom, I have some news for you.."

And I know she had to be thinking, "Holy hell, are they sending you on another deployment??"

Tom continued with, "Amber is pregnant."

(In a way, it's a tad bit embarrassing to inform family members that you're pregnant. Because you're pretty much saying, "I've had sex!" Obviously they probably figure that, I mean what couple doesn't have sex, but I still get a bit pink in the face when I announce I'm pregnant.

Of course I giggle at the word penis so that could be the reason why.)

Anyhow, I could hear Tom's Mom squealing through the phone. This was followed by, "I'm going to tell the whole family!"

After that Tom called his sister. Who was also shocked. I was on the phone with her when Jennifer came over with a bag. After I finished talking Jennifer handed me some pictures and a scrapbook she had made of us. There were various pictures of the two of us acting like complete morons (in some pictures we were drunk, in other pictures we were pumped up with sugar). She did a wonderful job on the book. Then she handed me three onesies saying that she wanted to be the first to give me baby items.

I marveled at how tiny the onesies were. About how there would once again be a tiny person in the house.

When Tom finished with the phone calls he grinned over at me.

"Well I'm finished alerting my side," he said cheerfully. "Now you get to tell your parents."



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