Monday, May 7, 2007

Cranky Crotch

**This entry may be TMI for some. I apologize**

So I had my six week checkup on Friday.

Was not looking forward to it.

Heck, I don't want to be touched down there by my own husband, let alone a doctor.

Tom stayed home and watched Natalie.

This made it easier for me.

I got to my appointment and was called back five minutes later.

I was weighed.

(*Sighs* Curse the scale)

Then I was brought back into the room. I was asked a bunch of questions.

One of them was, "Have you had intercourse since the baby was born."

My response?

"God no."

The nurse chuckled at that.

But then I had to wonder...what if I had said yes?? Would I have been lectured for having sex before the six week checkup? Would she have wagged her pen at me and reminded me that I should have waited for six weeks and did I want an extra stretched out vagina?

Then I was told to strip down and that the doctor would be in shortly.

Strip down.

Sounds like a come on line from my husband.

"Come on Amber, strip down and let's do it!"

So the nurse left, I got naked, sat back up on the exam table and waited.

I hate when doctors keep you waiting in there. Because my eyes start to wander and I see all sorts of creams and equipments that I wish I hadn't.

Then I start to wonder, "Eww what's that, will they have to use it on me?"

It's not as bad as military hospitals though. I get my OB/GYN care seen off base because they don't have it on base anymore.

On military bases they have all the stuff set up INCHES away from your exam table. So if you're going in for a pap it's all there: the gel, the speculum, the huge swab...

I always wanted to cover it all up but then I was worried I'd get in trouble. That the doctor would walk in and be all, "You aren't supposed to touch that!"

Then I'd have said, "Well you aren't supposed to put it inches away from the patient. It SCARES them, sir."

Also, with military doctors, they don't always introduce themselves. After all you're probably their nineteenth patient and they just want to go home. So they sort of come in, give a small hello and then start fondling you.

It's like, "Hello. My name is Amber. That's my vagina down there and who are you??"

So yes.

I prefer to be seen off base.

When the doctor came in she was cheerful.

I was asked more questions. She asked what birth control I wanted and I said Micronor. That's the low dosage birth control that's safe with nursing.

She looked over my papers and said that Natalie scored a 9 and a 9 on her Apgar!

I was always wondering what she scored.

Then the exam started.

I actually didn't need a pap though. I have to go back in August and get one.


But I was examined down there to make sure I was healed.

And good news, I am.

But then the doctor was all, "Hrm.."

Which made me nervous.

"I think you might have bacteria," the doctor said.


She called it Vaginitus Bacterius. Or something like that.

I refer to it as gross.

She saw my horrified expression and went, "It's okay it happens after pregnancy sometimes. I'll just get you a prescription for five days and you'll be fine."

My vagina was diseased!



But then a smile appeared on my face.

This meant no sex.


No Tom I can't have sex because my vagina is diseased.

Other than my broken crotch I'm all healed down there.

I had to go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription. I was a little embarrassed because it was a guy back there. I was paranoid he'd look at my paper and be all, "Eww. Gross." Then when I'd walk away I was worried he and his pharmacy friends would be like, "Eww what's wrong with her crotch?"

When I picked up the prescription I tried not to make eye contact.

Yes. I'm Amber and I have a little issue with my vagina at the moment. It happens. I pushed out a human being, my vagina got pissed and got a little sick.

When I got home Tom seemed a little eager.

"So?" he asked, rubbing my shoulder.

I shrugged. "I have a diseased vagina. No sex."

Tom frowned. "You're making that up!"

"I am not." I pulled out the vaginal cream. "See? I have bacteria. You know. Down there."

Tom kept rubbing my shoulder. "At this point I don't care.."


And now I'm wondering how I'm going to, you know, insert the cream. I didn't want my husband's penis in me, let alone cream..


This is so gross.

I have a cranky crotch.


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