My Dear Letters

Dear Natalie's teeth,

Stop bugging her. Seriously. And it's not amusing that you seem to really bug her at night, when we're all supposed to be sleeping. Having her wake up three times in one night is NOT funny. Just pop through already. The jig is up.

Signed,
A very tired
Amber

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Dear people who talk on cell phones or text while driving,

Cut it out. Can you not wait to speak to someone? Are you that important? And if you have to talk RIGHT THAT INSTANT, please pull over so you don't, I don't know, KILL someone. Sorry, you can say all you want that you can concentrate on both but there are several studies that proved that you cannot. So hang up the phone. Stop texting! Or one of these days you're going to find me snatching your damn phone away from you and throwing it on the ground.

Signed,
A just-trying-to-protect-lives
Amber

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Dear all those eBay people who outbid me at the last minute,

Stop it. It seriously pisses me off. Do you just sit in front of the computer until an auction ends or something? I don't have the time to do that. I'm really thisclose to telling off the next person who outbids me at the last minute. It infuriates me even more when you win by one cent more. ONE CENT.

Signed,
A just-let-me-have-the-damn-outfit
Amber

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Dear people who drive and don't use turn signals,

Is it really that difficult to flick your wrist to tell other drivers where you're going? Honestly. Are you THAT important that you can't be bothered to shift your wrist for one second?

Signed,
A where-the-hell-are-you-going-because-I-can't-read-your-mind
Amber

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Dear Tom,

It really bothers me that you can't be bothered to listen while you're playing your beloved games on the computer. You suddenly are deaf while you're playing your stupid World War 2 games and nothing else exists. Oh but the minute you hear the words "boob/breasts", "sex", "naked", "whores", or "Meghan Fox" on the TV, your eyes are suddenly right on the screen. So obviously you can hear.

Signed,
A-sick-of-feeling-invisible-while-you're-on-the-computer
Amber

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To the writing team of Lost,

I hope you get what you want. Seriously. You guys deserve more money. You really do. But PLEASE don't make me wait until 2009 to figure out if Jack is off the damn island. What's going on??? I am not a patient person. Are they off the island, are they on the island??? Please bring Charlie back. He's my eye candy you see. Can Desmond somehow get magical and pull him out of the room so he doesn't drown? I mean the island is weird, it can happen you know...magic powers can float around, Charlie is saved and yay, my eye candy is back!

Signed,
An impatient-with-a-small-crush-on-Dominic Monahan Amber


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To the people on eBay who put photos of their children wearing the clothes they are trying to sell as their gallery picture--

Cut it out. I don't want to see little Susie or little Ashley sporting the outfit that I want to buy. I'd like to pretend that I'm buying it brand new okay? Or at least pretend that maybe little Susie wore it once and then never again. I'd rather not see her wearing the outfit with a drool spot on it. No modeling agents are going to browse the site and think, "Look at that little girl dressed in Gymboree looking oh so cute." So stop it. Just take a photo of the outfit and leave it at that.

Signed,
A wants-to-believe-the-outfit-is-close-to-new
Amber

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To the parents who name their babies ridiculous things on Bringing Home Baby,

Please don't name your baby Ocean. Or Madison JOE. They're going to be teased. I realize you want to be different, that you want your child to have a unique name but think of the mockery they're going to have to endure.

Signed
A just-want-to-look-out-for-the-poor-kids
Amber

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Dear Brussel Sprouts,

Why do you even exist? You smell like feet.

Signed
A doesn't-like-sprouts
Amber