Friday, January 25, 2008

Of Peas and Carrots


A commercial just came on the TV with Jo Frost (Supernanny) on it.

She was all, "Come down to the mall and see if your family is my next mission," or something like that.

I wonder if she's available for rent?

I'm tempted to go down on Saturday and wait in line. Then when I get up to the front I'd be all, "Hi. I don't want to be on the show. I just want to rent Jo Frost."

I'm sure Jo won't even be there. It'll be producers of the show and they'll blink up at me in confusion.

"Um," one would say. "Jo Frost isn't for rent. She's a human being. You can't rent human beings. This is to be on the show."

I'd nod like I understood perfectly. "Technically human beings can be rented. Aren't strippers rented?"

The producers would be horrified. "Madam, are you referring to Jo Frost as a," her voice would dip low, "a stripper?"

I'd wave my hand in the air. "Of COURSE not. But I could really use her help. I don't think my children are bad enough to be on TV. I mean have you SEEN some of the children on the show? I mean obviously you have, you're the producers but holy crap. There was this one mother who gave her children soda and she was wondering why they were bouncing off the walls. There was another who let her children play in the street and looked completely baffled when Jo told her it was wrong. No, my son has ADHD and has his moments but he's not like those children. I'd just need to ask Jo a few questions, that's all."

The producers would shake their heads. "No. You may only speak to Jo if you appear on the show."

Well hmph then.


I just got back from my meeting with the nutrionalist. It was about Natalie's slow weight gain.

I had to write out a list of foods that I gave her for the week. I handed it over worried that the lady would tsk tsk and say that I was feeding my child ALL WRONG and I should be ASHAMED of myself.

Thankfully she didn't.

She flipped through the papers and went, "Well, it looks like she's eating enough. However.."

Ahh the however.

She wants me to add in some protein. Whether it be from beans or meat.

And add things like yogurt or cottage cheese.

The thing is, when I give Natalie people food she just plays with it. Or she'll take a bite, go BLAH and drip it down her front.

Feeding Natalie is not a neat experience in the least. When she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to eat. You can't pry her mouth open for nothing. She'll just look at you like, "Um hello. Not hungry. Piss off."

I tried Natalie on yogurt the other day and she looked offended that I'd dare try to give her such crap. She opened her mouth for the spoon and the minute I stuck it in her mouth she yelped. Then spit the yogurt all over the place and howled.

I've given her crackers and she either plays with them or gags on them.

I was also told I could give her pieces of whatever we're having for dinner.

"Won't she choke?" I asked.

I'm always paranoid about choking.

But no, so long as I give her small pieces she should be okay.

Oh, and I have to give her more vegetables. She won't eat many jarred veggies. I tried to give her green beans and you'd think I served her the contents of her diaper on a spoon.

And yes, she screamed.

I tried to give her some veggies when we have them for dinner but she just plays with them.

"Ooo look at this round green thing. Weeee!"

"Natalie, that's a pea and I'd like you to eat it," I said gently.

"Weeee!" She rolled it around her high chair tray. "It ROLLS!"

"Natalie, we eat our veggies. See, look at Mommy. Yum yum. Peas and carrots. So good."

"You're a strange lady. Why would you eat the round green thing? It's so much FUNNNN.."


Stubborn girl.

However, the nutrionalist said that Natalie looked very healthy but to just try to get her to eat more. Apparently she should be getting 615 calories with 10 g of protein per day.

Also, I have started using formula to mix in with her cereal. I hated to do it but when I spoke to the nutrionalist on the phone she suggested it. And I can't seem to pump anything out worth a damn so I just started using the formula. Which, holy crap, is expensive. I get her the one with DHA in it--I figure if I have to give her the stuff it might as well be as good as it can be.

It's just for cereal usage though. I won't ever give her a bottle of it. I want her to nurse as long as she wants.

I noticed that formula has a weird smell too. And I hate the name FORMULA. It makes me think of scientists and Frankenstein or something.

Natalie goes into the doctor for a weight check on Monday. They didn't do it there since they don't have the proper scale for babies.

I hope Natalie is at least 15 lbs. But I doubt it. I figure she'll be like 14 lbs 3 oz or something.

On the way out I noticed people working out in the weight room. I was in a gym by the way. And one of the guys resembled Elijah Wood. I was all, "Elijah Wood is in the GYM!" and then I thought, "Um Amber. Why would Elijah Wood be HERE?"

Although it would make sense. I could get celebrities on the base and the paparazzi wouldn't be allowed on. Hah.

Elijah, come here. I shall protect you from the paparazzi!

I realized that it was NOT Elijah Wood by the way. Obviously.

I think I was just hungry. When I'm hungry I tend to see things. One time I swore I saw a bear prancing around in a pink tutu.

Also, I found out that there is a children's room so I could work out!

I'm not sure if it costs anything though.

I need to ask. But I will SO go to the gym starting in April. Mainly because there is a pool at our hotel in Disney and I don't want to scare people in my swimsuit.

It would be great if I could get back down to 105, which was my high school weight.

So starting in April I'll begin Operation Get My High School Body Back.


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