Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Struggles with the Pants

Is everyone wearing their green?


*Virtual pinches*

I nearly forgot to be honest. I realized it while we were eating breakfast.

"We need to get you in green!" I shouted at Tommy as I darted up the stairs.

I found him a shirt and tossed it at him.

"I don’t like this," he informed me, twisting the shirt around in his hands. "It’s short-sleeve. I want long-sleeve."

That’s Tommy’s latest thing: he only wants to wear long-sleeved shirts. If I dare try to get him in a short-sleeve he’ll have a whining match about it. I think it’s part defiance, part sensory issues.

So I had to find him a long-sleeved green shirt and then he wore it just fine.

Then I had to find a green shirt for me.

Not that I think perfect strangers would reach out and pinch me. At least I hope not.


Some people asked me some questions that I wanted to answer.

One was why I tipped the baggers at the grocery store. I do this because on the military base the baggers just work for tips. Off base it’s apparently not allowed.

Second, people wanted to know where I bought Natalie’s birthday crown pictured in the previous entry.

I bought a bunch of Princess stuff for her birthday here:

On Friday we went to Kohls. I actually found three shirts for myself that I liked. I told Tommy that I’d have to try them on and he gave a long sigh and went, "Only one."

Um. Excuse me?

"Actually Tommy I’m going to try on all three," I said as I pushed the cart towards the dressing rooms.

"Just ONEEEE," Tommy whined in a voice that sends shivers up my spine.

"Three. I’ll be quick, I promise," I said as I shut the dressing room door behind us.

"Mommmm--meeeee," Tommy complained, slumping on the bench.

I tried on the shirts at lightening speed. I dared to ask Tommy how I looked in one of them and he gave me a Look that reminded me of the Look Tom gives me when he’s irritated.

"Fantastic," he said in a surley voice. "All done?"

After I tried on the shirts I had one thing left I wanted to try on. My best friend Jennifer had mentioned that she could wear size ZERO Candies brand jeans. Now, their jeans seem to run big. I ordered a pair of size 5 black pants while in England and they were huge. In fact if I wear them now I have to wear them with a belt or else they dip down too low for my liking. I guess I like to keep my underwear private while other people like to expose them to the world. (Although I prefer underwear. I’d rather not see someone’s catootie..)

I was curious to see if I could wear a size zero. Even though Jennifer is like ten pounds lighter than me. She has fantastic willpower while I do not.

Anyhow, I stepped into the pants and all was well. When I got to my thighs there was a slight struggle--and the conversation with the pants went like this:

Pants: Piss off you oversized minx! We cannot fit you! Stop eating the junk food and come back in a few weeks.

Me: Piss off you pants. I will get you up. I weighed 112 this morning and I’m quite proud.

Pants: 112 is not right for these pants. Go away. Come back another day.

Me: *blantantly ignoring pants and managing to pull them up to my waist. I had to suck in my stomach quite a bit to get the button closed and then I realized I wasn’t able to breathe well. But..*

"They closed! The pants closed! Tommy the pants CLOSED!" I did a dance around the room. Well a bizarre looking dance. Like I mentioned I couldn’t breathe well so my dance consisted of me doing mini bounces. I would have lifted up my leg but you see I could barely move in the pants.

"Mommy. I want to go home," Tommy told me, not even the least bit excited for me. And not looking a bit surprised that his mother was doing a strange dance. He’s lived with me for too long.

"The pants closed. The--" then I had to stop because I was running low on oxygen. I unbuttoned the pants and--RELIEF--I could breathe again.

I did not buy the pants. I suppose I could have just to say that I can wear size ZERO but I did not.

Of course I still love eating. After Kohls we went to Wendys for dinner where I got this spicy baconator thing which probably had like 1000 calories in it. But did I care? Not really, I wanted the spicy bacon burger.

When I went up to order I asked for a plain hamburger kid’s meal for Tommy. Tommy is picky and does not like the minced onions or pickles or mustard they put on it. He’ll downright refuse to eat it if these things are on the burger. So I have to stress PLAIN hamburger. Because if I say, "a hamburger with nothing on it" this seems to confuse the workers and they still put crap on it.

So I stressed PLAIN and the cocky guy on the other end went, "So you don’t want the bun either?"


"No I want the bun. Just nothing on the burger," I explained.

"Oh. Right. Fine, pull forward," the guy said.

That bacon burger of mine was DELICIOUS.

I’d like to say that I ate it like a lady--small bites and then not even finishing it--but that’s a lie. I gobbled it down and ate every last bite. Even the bits of bacon that fell down onto the paper.

And I may have finished Tommy’s fries too.

No willpower. Seriously.

That should be my nickname if I ever make it big.

Amber "no willpower" M****.

Oh, I also watched August Rush on Saturday and I loved it.

I now have a crush on Jonathan Reys Meyers. Of course I always thought he was attractive as he plays Henry VIII on The Tudors but he was H-O-T in the movie. Plus he has an Irish accent which I did not know as he doensn’t use it in The Tudors. That turned me on even more.

But yes, the movie was awesome. I’m glad I watched it after the kids went to bed because I don’t think I’d have appreciated it with added noise.

I did try to put it on when Tom was home but when the movie opened and the kid was in a wheat field pretending to be a conductor Tom proclaimed the movie to be "gay" and left the room.

"This looks like it will be really dumb," he said from the kitchen.

Sometimes I wish he could be just a LITTLE more sensitive. Honestly.

He’s just a total mans man and only likes movies where things are blowing up and men are rushing around cursing.

Tonight Dancing with the Stars is back and I’m one of the few who does not like the show.

Maybe if they put regular people on. I really don’t care to watch Steve Guttenburg cha-cha across the stage, thanks.

Oh well. I guess I’ll watch Jon and Kate plus 8 since Tommy also enjoys the show. I also enjoy it even though there are debates that Kate is too mean to Jon. I disagree. Sometimes a woman has to snap at a man to get him to actually DO something. At least with my husband you do. If you ask him in a kindly voice to do something he’s all, "I’ll get to it," or just plain ignores you if he’s on the computer. But if you shout it a little bit he’s all, "Okay! Geez. I’ll do it now..."


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