Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Amber is Crankified

So anyhow, I haven't had the best day.

For starters, I stubbed my toe this morning. Then I had an argument with Tommy. He wanted to wear a long-sleeved shirt and I kept trying to explain that it was going to be in the eighties today.

"A long sleeved shirt would be too hot," I kept saying.

"I want LONG SLEEVE!" he'd shriek back at me.

Finally I gave in.

Whatever, if he wants to sweat all day, that's his choice.

A good thing that did happen was that I found out the Memorial Day sale at Gymboree was starting today.

So I figured I'd go.

So Natalie and I went and usually Gymboree isn't that busy. But today there were a bunch of customers in there. Huh? Are people from Wyoming reading my diary and shopping at MY store? Quel horror!

The store is really small and I had the big hunking Graco stroller. It's really difficult to maneuver that thing around when there are racks upon racks. Oh and small children running around in front of you. I seriously nearly ran over this little boy. I didn't see him and I was about an inch from hitting him when his mother shrieked, "DANVER, move!!"


The heck?

What is it with people wanting to name their children odd names?

I was bummed because they didn't have the size I needed in a shirt and a pair of shoes that I needed for Natalie.

But I perked up when I saw that a bunch of other clothes were 60% off off, plus an additional 20% off for the sale plus I had another 20% off coupon plus the 5% discount I get with my Gymboree Visa.

I found a few shirts there.

Then I found an Easter dress for Natalie.

Of course at this point, Natalie had had enough. She wiggled her way out of the seatbelt and stood straight up.

And proceeded to screech.

One little girl clapped her hands over her ears. "Mommy. That baby is LOUD!" she said, pointing at Natalie.

So I had to pick her up to keep her quiet. And let me telling you, looking for clothes while holding onto a squirming 13-month-old is not easy. I'd be looking for her size and she'd start to shift down my stomach. I'd scoop her back up and she'd screech into my ear, causing the ringing that I usually get from her to begin.

"I'm looking for clothes for you," I kept trying to explain.

But Tom must've placed his body inside of hers or something. Maybe that's what he does on the computer? Because Natalie kept screeching as though Tom were there beside me.

She has enough. She has enough!

Had it really been Tom I'd have told him to piss off and reminded him of all the crap he gets. For himself.

Of course I didn't want to tell my sweet darling baby to piss off. Because with my luck she'd repeat it sweetly at me and proceed to tell strangers to piss off.

I was also intrigued by the people in the store with me. I always get excited when I see other people thrilled with Gymboree. I want to instantly be their friends. Because they obviously understand about clothing obsessions. But obviously I'm not going to wander up to someone and be all, "I'm Amber. I love Gymboree too. Let's be friends!"

Then I'd be forever known as "That Strange Gymboree Woman." Or probably, "That Psycho Gymboree Woman."

My arm felt like it was going to break off as I searched through racks. Any normal mother might have called it a day and just checked out with what she had.

Not me.

I pushed through the pain and searched through racks.


This one chick bought $200 worth of clothes.

I always assume that people that can drop $200 worth of clothes in one day must be rich.

Silly, I know.

But I could never drop that much in a day.

I mean I know I have an obsession but I could never allow myself to do that.

I drooled over her pile of clothing and wished that I had rich friends who spoiled my children with Gymboree. Or grandparents who spoiled my children with Gymboree. But my Mom insists that the kids have too much and she's not going to add to my madness.

And Tom's Mom would probably pass out if she saw a Gymboree price tag before I could explain that I never pay full price for it.

*Le sigh*

Finally I was done and set my pile on the counter.

The lady rang it up and said I was $4 short if I wanted a Gymbuck.

"I do!" I exclaimed.

She said I could go grab something and she'd wait. But there was someone behind me and I didn't want to be rude and take forever. So I plucked this Easter basket that was sitting on the counter and said I'd take it.

The cashier was amused. "Your Mommy is so silly," she said to Natalie who just looked flat annoyed.

I wanna crawl around. Mommy is mean. Mean mean mean!

I spent $53.17


I dared to set Natalie in the stroller since we were leaving and she let out a bloodcurdling scream.

"Ohh..you're fine..Mommy just needs some tea," I explained as we headed for Chick-fil-a.

Natalie's wails settled down and she placed her thumb in her mouth and sucked angrily. Thankfully there was no line at Chick-fil-a so it went rather quickly. But I was in a cranky mood because I wasn't able to shop happily so when I handed over my money to the cashier and she went, "Oh out of two dollars?" I wanted to say, "No actually that's a five dollar bill. YES out of two dollars. DUH.."

But I didn't.

I just thought it.

Then we headed for home.

But I got stuck behind this car that was NOT going the speed limit.

It was 40 and she was doing 30.

I bet she was on her stupid cell phone.

I wanted to pass her but then I worry that it's rude. Plus we were nearly home and I figured she'd turn off or something.


We got onto the interstate and she didn't even get up to 65! And I couldn't pass because a truck was in another lane.

She was going 40.

The HELL lady??!!!

And I wasn't tailing her, I promise. I gave the length of two cars as I was taught in drivers ed.

But guess what?

This jerk behind me decided to attempt to pass her. But he realized he couldn't get ahead because of the truck so he CUT in front of my nice length of two cars.

I honked my horn angrily at him.


Of course that lady went onto the base.

The speed limit on base is 30.

She went 20.

She must have woken up this morning and was all, "You know what? I think I'll go ten less then the speed limit today. Let's see how many people I can piss off.."

She mercifully turned off and I thought it would be easy cruising all the way home.


The base decided to do another Fun Run and cut off my way home. They expect everyone to know the back way home and I don't.

So I pulled up and a cop in uniform was standing there.

"You can't go through here," he told me and then turned away as though we were done with talking.

"Um," I called out. "Then tell me how to get HOME!"

At this point I was hot and I just wanted to get home.

He turned around, surprised that I was still there. "Uhhhh..." He scratched his arm. "Uhh..not sure.." Then he turned around and thought we were done again.


"Look, I have a pissed off baby and I just want to get HOME," I shouted.

He turned around again, shocked as hell.

And actually, Natalie wasn't pissed. For once she was happily playing in her carseat. Of course she's not going to scream when I really want her to. Of course not.

But I wanted to get home, dangit.

"Well.." he said slowly. "I guess you could pass. Just watch out for runners.."

He moved a cone aside and I drove past before he could change his mind.

I mean geez.

If they want to do a fun run, do it at the stupid track. Do NOT close of roads. It's RUDE.

And what's this crap about calling it a FUN run anyhow. The runners I passed didn't look like they were having fun. In fact, one looked like he was doing to pass out. He was slugging along with his tongue hanging out.

I had to wait forever for a bunch of runners to pass the turn I needed to get home.


Freaking fun run.

One runner called out, "You shouldn't be here! Go the back way!"

"NO!" I shouted back.

He looked taken aback but kept running.

Then I was finally able to turn home.

Seriously, don't mess with Cranky Amber.

And really, that cop HAD let me pass..

Then when I got home I picked up my tea and realized my tea was all at the bottom of my cup holder.


Apparently the cup had a hole in it.

You see?

I shrieked out dramatically, "My TEA!"

I was close to running inside and grabbing a straw to suck it up.

That's disgusting, Amber, my Voice of Reason piped up. My Voice of Reason is pissed at me so we haven't been speaking much. But at this point it felt like it had to step in.

"That IS disgusting," I muttered.

I nearly cried.

I don't know what happened.

I ran inside and saw a little hole on the bottom of the cup.

I don't know how it got there.

"Is this your idea of a sick joke, God?" I asked outloud.

Because when I stubbed my toe this morning I had shrieked out, "God dammit!" which I rarely ever say because I think it's rude. I mean I wouldn't want someone to yell "AMBER DAMMIT" whenever they got hurt. It's just not nice.

And then the whole lie I told to that cop to get through.

"My baby is pissy.." when in reality Natalie was happily playing in the backseat.

It was really ME who was all pissy.

So I think Karma came back and bit me in the ass.

Well, my tea cup that is.


Sorry God.


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