Discussions with Tommy

So Tom came home last night from firing. See, they have to requalify for being able to have certain weapons.

He walked in and went, "Why is there an angry carrot taped to our door?"

He was talking about this:



Okay, I can see how he thought it was a carrot. My poor Tommy can't always make circles that well.

"It's a pumpkin," I corrected.

He did a double take. "It looks like an evil carrot."

I asked how he did with firing.

Tom almost look insulted that I even asked.

"Expert of course," he said indignantly.

Well sorry.

Then we talked and he fell asleep.

And I realized that sharing a bed with him sucks. Usually he's up during the night so I get the bed to myself. It's bliss, really.

But last night he was so exhausted since he had been at firing all day and had only had about two hours of sleep.

He shifts so much.

And the snoring.

Don't get me started on the snoring.

I want to kill whoever decided that a married couple should share a bed. Seriously.

They should not.

They should each have their own rooms. *Nods*

I told Tom if we were ever rich and could afford a big house that we'd have our own rooms. Of course this insulted him because he was all, "What? You don't like being with me?"

Er. Not at night when your arm is flung over my face and your foot kicks at my back.

Today Tommy only had a half day at school. He's upstairs now watching a movie with a friend.

Though when he first came home he picked up the tank he has been playing with yesterday and noticed something was missing.

It was this tiny (TINY) gun attached to it and I suppose it snapped off.

Only Tommy would notice something like that.

Tommy notices everything.

If one thing is out of place he'll point it out.

If a different numbered bus picks him up in the morning he points it out.

I switched some pictures out of frames and he noticed right away.

Anyhow, he had a meltdown over this tiny gun. I tried to find it. I got down on my hands and knees and searched the garage to no avail.

"But. I. Need. My. GUNNNN!" Tommy said all dramatically.

He finally calmed down. It may have been because of the Fruit Rollup that I pressed into his palm and the promise that a friend could come over later.

Tommy came home with a picture that he drew in class today:



I did a double-take because it appeared that he had also drawn his...erm...penis.

Mind you, he has done this in the past. My longtime readers might remember the drawings that were well-endowed.

I was able to explain that drawing the penis was not necissary. That people understood that it was him without the penis. That the penis was private and it was better not to draw it.

Apparently he forgot.

Because I asked him to explain the picture to me. This is something that parents learn to say. Because sometimes your kid will hand you over a drawing and you have no idea what it is. You'll twist the paper around your hands and squint at it, hoping that you'll be able to figure out what it is. Sometimes you may get lucky and figure it out.

Other times you'll have to ask the kid to explain it to you.

Because some kids get insulted if you dare ask what they've drawn.

And then they may not ever draw anything ever for you again because "you didn't know what they drew the first time so what's the point?!"

Children can seriously behave as though they're PMSing.

I'm not kidding.

"I drew my intestines," Tommy said seriously, pointing them out. "Then my stomach."

He didn't mention the penis so I pointed and asked what it was.

He looked at me as though I were completely stupid.

"My penis," he said matter-of-factly.

I sighed. "But Tommy. Remember that's private. We don't have to draw it, okay?"

"But Frank drew HIS penis," Tommy pointed out, naming another kid in his class.

Suddenly I pictured all the boys in the class drawing their penises and had to stifle a giggle.

"That's not appropriate," I told Tommy. "Please don't draw it again. I mean I like your drawing, don't get me wrong...But no more penises. Okay?"

He nodded. "Ohhh-kay." He looked a little annoyed and took his drawing back.

Then he also brought back some candy that the teachers had given the kids.

Thank goodness they still pass out candy.

There's this nonsense of no cupcakes and such at parties which I think is horrible.

Yes fruit is important. But for heavens sake, don't ban the cupcakes. Just offer fruit as well.

Tommy showed me his candy and only picked out the lollipops and the minature chocolates.

"The rest is yucky," he said, gathering it into his hands and walking to the trash.

"STOP!" I yelped.

I mean he had mini 3 Musketeers bars in his hands. Mini Snickers. A Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

My kid is insane!

Tommy paused over the trashcan. He looked shocked.

"Mommy will eat that. You have a Mommy who loves candy," I said, taking the candy into my hands.

Mmmm...come to me mini 3 Musketeers Bar.

"Mommy," Tommy said in his best lecture voice. "Candy is BAD for you. Eat fruit."

Ah. I see his Nona has gotten to him.

She'd be so proud.

"I'll eat fruit. I promise. I'm going to have an apple later."

Of course I didn't mention that I was dipping said apple into chocolate.

Some things kids just don't have to know about.