Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Bloody Wal-Mart


The season premiere of Lost begins tonight.

It's one of my favorite shows. Even though I usually wind up confused when it's over.

And wishing that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) was back.

It's a magic island. Surely he can arise from the dead?


Today I had to run to Wal-Mart. On the way inside I passed a man muttering to himself and a woman sliding into one of those motorized carts while announcing, "I can walk. But these things are so fun!"

Wal-Mart is seriously beginning to scare me.

I headed to the bakery section to drool over the desserts and somehow ended up with six cupcakes in my cart.

About twenty minutes later I started unloading my items at the checkout line--I'm always stupified on how I can walk in for a few things [in this case I was picking up Tom's energy drinks and Gatorade which are surprisingly cheaper at Wal-Mart than the commissary] and walk out with a cartful. But I always make the mistake of walking down the food aisles.

And then the baby section. Ooo baby barrettes! Would go perfectly with Natalie's new outfit.

And the big kid section.

Madagascar underpants? Tommy would LOVE them.

The checkout lady rang up my items and to be honest, she looked like she was about to keel over. She was on oxygen and I felt bad when I saw her struggle slightly to pass the Gatorade over the scanner.

"Here. I'll take that," I quickly said after the drinks rang up. I carefully took them from her hands.

Then I started digging through my purse for my wallet. I seriously need to clean out my purse. It's disgusting. It's littered with change, trash and a few yogurt raisins that fell out of the plastic bag that I had quickly stuffed into my purse as a snack for Natalie. Although I don't know why I even bother. The kid rarely eats. Instead she takes a raisin between her thumb and forefinger and squishes it.

"You're supposed to EAT it," I'll explain and then pop one in my mouth.

Natalie will immediately look insulted--hey--that's MY snack--but she'll clamp her mouth shut when I try to pass one through her lips.

I usually give up. All the experts say that you mustn't force feed children. That they'll eat when they're hungry.

Which I try to remind myself but sometimes it's difficult when you have a twenty pound nearly two-year-old who still wears the 12-18 sizes.

When I found my debit card I took it out, waiting for the total.

My chest clenched as I saw the total rising higher and higher. $ $ $52.68..



I always argue inwardly with the Total, as though it were a real thing, something that enjoys mocking me.

"Ouch," I heard the check out lady suddenly say.

I glanced up at her and noticed that she was bleeding from her arm.


Oh EW.

Blood makes me quesy.

I nearly passed out when she pressed a finger to her wound and then LICKED IT.

I was grateful that she had finished ringing my items up at least.

"Are you..." I forced myself to say even though the room was starting to spin...."okay?"

Ew. Blood. Ew.

Don't pass out.

Don't pass out.

The checkout lady opened a drawer and started rifling through it. She pulled out a band-aid--and handed it to me.

"Could you put this on me?" she asked.

Oh ew.



This would NOT happen at Target!

I tried my best to hide my disgust even though I was close to vomiting.

And passing out.

Ew. What if I passed out in my VOMIT?


And what would poor Natalie think. She'd freak out if her Mommy crumpled to the ground.

What if someone kidnapped her while I was passed out?

It happens.

"Sure," I said weakly and took the band-aid.

I held my breath as the check out lady moved her wound towards me. She rested her elblow on the little platform beside the credit/debit swipper. She had a small knick on her arm and I tried not to look at the small amount of blood that sat on top of it.


I quickly put on the band-aid--sloppily--but I just wanted to get out of there.

Then I rushed to the bathrooms and washed my hands. I mean, I didn't get any blood on me but you never can tell. I remember watching that old 80s show Life Goes On. And Kelly--I think her name was Kelly? I can't recall. Anyhow, she fell in love with this guy with AIDS and she got some of his blood on her so she rushed home and was washing her hands off frantically.

Not that I'm saying that the woman had AIDS.

But you just never know.

To get my mind off the blood I decided to go to Burger King. I wanted to try that new Angry Whopper. Which, by the way, makes me giggle. I picture a cartoon hamburger all pissed off. And for some reason, the angry hamburger is running around with a spatula shouting profanities.

Anyhow, when I went to order the angry whopper I nearly giggled when I said the words.

"I'd like an angry whopper please..." (Teehee.)

I got the four piece chicken tenders for Natalie, even though she only ended up eating one.

My angry whopper was tasty though. I took off the bacon to make myself feel better about the calories. I mean, well, I guess I saved myself like 50 calories from removing the bacon. That's something.



  1. Your blog is amazing. You are hilarious!!!

  2. HA HA HA :D Too bloody funny!

    (I know, bad pun) but I really did lol when I read this!

  3. The line that killed me...

    This would never happen at Target!

    Great story.


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