Friday, February 20, 2009

Only At Wal-Mart...

So a few people mentioned that I ought to tell Tom that I'm pregnant in order to scare him. (See previous entry if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I've already tried that.

I casually mentioned that my period was late and that I might be pregnant awhile back.

Tom's reply?


Of course it was followed by, "This means we get a bigger house!"

Tom has said that he wouldn't mind if we had another baby. But of course he'd say that. He doesn't have to get fat or walk on swollen ankles or push a human being from his privates. He doesn't have to deal with sore nipples or sleep deprivation. Sure, he was a help with Natalie but he would conveniently not hear the baby when she woke up screaming at three in the morning.

So yeah, if I didn't have to do any of that, having another baby might seem like a great idea to me as well.

I'm still working on an idea to scare him. I'll get him at some point.

But anyhow, today I went to Wal-Mart because I decided that I needed to get some bikini wax cream so I could clean up.

Down there.

It’s been awhile since I’ve tended to that area. I figure that my legs get top priority and by the time I’m finished with them I start to panic and think that Natalie must be hanging from the ceiling fan so I don’t go any further. Actually, to be honest, Natalie is usually in the bathroom with me while I shave. She finds it amusing to stand on top of the toilet and make faces in the mirror.

So I usually end up forgoing that area because A) I don’t want to traumatize my daughter and B) I don’t have the time. I’ve asked Tom what he would prefer to be taken care of, my legs or my he haw and he opts for the legs.

I decided that tonight I would surprise Tom and, erm, groom. This meant I had to go to Wal-Mart and get the Bikini Zone stuff that I used before. It makes sure you’re not left with those unsightly red bumps. I didn’t realize that I had used the last of it when we went to the beach in August. When I was digging through my drawer of stuff I found the near empty bottle and realized that there was no way a little squirt was going to take care of...well, all of that.

So off to Wal-Mart I went. And I realized I couldn’t find the Bikini Zone stuff. I was going down aisle after aisle and it was driving me insane. Natalie was growing impatient and she started to stand up in her cart seat.

“You have to sit,” I told her in my best Mom voice.

“I play,” she replied and draped a leg over the cart handle and attempted to get down.

“No, we’re not playing. We’re looking for something. You have to SIT,” I said firmly.

Natalie was not having it. Her patience was gone. So I had to hoist her on my hip and push the cart with one hand. Which is not easy in Wal-Mart because there are people everywhere. I nearly ran into the following:

--An old lady checking out a Preparation H box (which made me think of Austin Powers. "I will call it...Preperation H." "You might as well call it Operation Ass Cream." "What?")

--A little boy who seriously morphed out of no where and nearly became forever embedded into the ground

---A display of diet pills (the experts say they don't work.)

--A woman yakking on her cell phone and not bothering to pay attention to where she was going. She was seriously involved in a conversation about someone name Jose because she was all, "Jose said that...but Jose wants to...Jose wanted hot dogs but there are like fifty brands of hot dogs here..."

And a Wal-Mart worker who looked like she was marking things down. I stopped about a centimeter away from her and asked if she knew where I could find bikini wax cream. Yes, I was a little embarrassed asking. Because I was basically admitting that hey, I’m a mess down there and I need help.

But the worker didn’t even pause from gathering a bunch of shampoos and dumping them in an empty cart beside her. She just went, “Crotch creams are down thataway,” and gestured with her thumb.


Crotch creams?

I swear, no one in Target would ever use the words “crotch” and “creams” in the same sentence. Sometimes walking into Wal-Mart is like walking into a whole different world. I imagine that the workers there are used to customers saying things like, "I've got the shits. Where is the medicine for that?"

“No,” I said, finding my voice after being appalled for a few seconds. “I need bikini wax cream.”

Once again, the lady didn’t even pause in what she was doing.

“Lubricants are down that aisle,” she said, pointing in another direction.

Was she even HEARING me? I imagine if I had said something like, "Look, lady, I just want to surprise my husband so it doesn't look like I have a squished kitten between my legs," that she would comprehend.

But obviously I wasn't going to say THAT.

“No, I already have some of that stuff,” I said, before thinking. Then I felt my face grow warm. Ew, now she was going to think of me as some sex fiend or something.

But this caught her attention. She actually paused in marking down a shampoo bottle and actually looked at me as though she were shocked at what I had to say.

Please lady, you used the words crotch and cream.

“What is it that you need?” the lady finally asked impatiently. She leaned against the cart and gave a long sigh.

“Bikini wax cream,” I repeated for what seemed like the millionth time. “You know, for when you wax, um...your bikini area.” And then I added to making a fool of myself by actually making a shaving motion. Right by my, um, area.

I was sure that my face resembled a cherry at that point.

But my bizarre charade seemed to make the lady’s mind click because she was all, “Go down the deodorant aisle. That stuff should be down there.”

Then she turned around and went back to her task.

“Thanks,” I said to her back and then headed for the proper aisle.

And then there it was, my Bikini Zone stuff. I had gone down that aisle, for the record, but I must’ve missed it. Maybe because there was only one bottle left. I’m not sure. Apparently a lot of people are at work keeping their he haws neat.

Then I went to check out and I managed to spend $90 when I had only come in for the Bikini Zone stuff.

How does that happen?

I suppose I really didn't need the new couch pillows. But the ones we have now are stained and disgusting. I hate when things get stained. I'd like to say the pillows are messy due to the children. But no, that would be my husband, who likes to gobble down snacks on the couch and said snacks drop on my pillows and apparently it's too much of a chore to get up and grab a paper towel.

I guess I really didn't need the chocolate cake. But it practically had my name on the package. Mmmm chocolate fudge cake. Amber, buy me. I promise not to expand your thighs and I won't tell your WiiFit.

Maybe I didn't really need the fruit platter. But I felt guilty over buying the chocolate cake and figured the fruit would balance out the chocolate. Yeah, it would have been cheaper to just buy the fruit and cut it myself. But I hate cutting things. To be honest, I usually end up cutting myself. So in order to keep my digits, I try to buy things that are already sliced.

Natalie INSISTED on the Toodee shirt. It was on clearance for $3 and she practically danced out of her seat when she saw it.

"TOOOOODEEEEE!" she yelped, pointing wildly. "TOOODEEE!"

This lady who was looking at clothes beside me glanced up and went, "How sweet. She's letting you know she went doodie."


"Actually, it's a character off this creepy show called Yo Gabba Gabba," I explained.

I didn't say that when Natalie takes a dump, she stomps over to me, hurls a diaper in my direction and says gruffly, "I poops." Then she lays down and looks at me expectantly. Well, come on then. Don't dilly daddle. Clean me!

I HAD to get Tom's energy drinks. Those are $6 for a four pack. He says he needs them to stay alert at work.

Okay fine, I DIDN'T need the pink jelly beans. But I made the mistake of going down the Easter aisle and they had Easter goodies sorted into colors. There was yellow, green, orange, blue and pink.

Buy In Color! a sign boasted.


Natalie begged for a bright pink lollipop that was nearly as big as her head. It was $1, so I obliged. I figured it would make for a cute photo prop. While she's going to town with the oversized treat, I'll snap away.

Basically, I needed everything I bought.

I swear it!


  1. This was a great story - I was right there with you at Wal-Mart, turning red and everything!

    And if I never go back to Wal-Mart it will be too soon. So I hope to simply live vicariously through all the bloggers that fill me in on the latest goings on which only perpetually justify my feelings about going there. Because I believe that you should change out of your PJs and bunny slippers before going shopping. But that's just me.

  2. I think you might have accidentally stumbled on a way to scare your husband - just forgo that area a little more - :)

  3. I love your post! I just started reading your blog by way of someone elses, and I adore it!! Thanks for makein me laugh!

  4. Thank you Dawn :) I tried to leave a comment on your blog but the word verification thingy would never pop up.

  5. I came over here from MckMama's blog...I am dying over your blogging!! You are so funny!! I don't know what made me come here out of 500 comments on marriage - but I started reading because you described Nathalie exactly the same way I'd describe my daughter Reagan...she is a fiesty pistol! Her current mode of communication is screaming. How old is Nathalie??

  6. Oh and after I moved to Seattle, I had to stop going to Walmart all together. That places scares me...


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