Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hi. I'm a Wimp.

Okay fine.

I admit it.

I’m a total wimp when it comes to roller coasters. It’s just, they’re so high! And they look dangerous. It’s a fear of mine that my safety bar will flip up the second the coaster heads for the first loop and I’ll fall to my death. I’ve read about it happening before. I know it’s rare but the bottom line is that IT HAS HAPPENED.

Some coasters look like they’re about to collapse at any second. It’s not normal for them to creak, is it?

I’m also deathly afraid of heights so whenever I go on a high ride I shut my eyes. I’m told that this doesn’t make it as fun but I don’t care. If I look down, I panic.

I practically go into convulsions when I see people flinging their arms in the air while on a high coaster. Do they have that much faith in their safety bars? I could never lift my arms up. Mine are always clenched around me in fear.

I can usually be coerced into going on most rides. I don’t want to be known as the boring friend, after all. Some rides, however, I refuse to budge on. I put my foot down on the Tower of Terror ride at the Disney MGM studios. There was just no way I was going to go on that. I mean, they OPEN the doors so you can look out and see how high you are! If I saw that I’d burst into tears. And the second the ride dropped I would emit a scream so loud that it would render all the other people on the ride deaf for a few hours.

I also curse on the scary rides.

I can’t help it. I sometimes say that I have Scary Ride Tourette Syndrome because the second the coaster goes down the first drop, I shout a string of words that would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush.

Why am I talking about this?

Because Jennifer and I went on all the rides that the Mall of America had to offer. I was a little petrified over the Spongebob Roller Coaster. I felt foolish being so frightened because small children were clamoring to get on the ride. But me? My knees were starting to shake and I began to feel weak when I saw that the coaster went straight up and then straight down.

“I just....maybe not this one...” I told Jennifer.

Jennifer wasn’t having it.

“We’re going,” she said firmly.

I watched as a little girl rushed past us to get onto the ride. She looked to be around seven.

If a SEVEN-year-old can go on a roller coaster, then I certainly could.


If I can GIVE BIRTH (twice) then I can certainly go on the ride.


My heart was starting to thump nervously as we climbed into the roller coaster car. It was designed to look like a Krabby Patty. I quickly pulled the safety harness down on me. It’s also my fear that the ride will suddenly shoot forward the second I sit down. Then I asked the ride operator to make sure that the bar was firmly over me.

“I will. I promise,” she assured me.

I think it amused her that I was so afraid.

I was also worried because TEENAGERS were the ride operators.

Teenagers! You know, the people who text while driving? The people who think that walking around with their boxers showing is COOL?

How was I supposed to entrust them with my life?

After my safety bar was checked the ride operator asked if I was ready.

"I guess," I said uneasily.

And then the ride sprang forward. I immediately squished my eyes shut. The ride climbed up and up and up.

Then it plunged right down.

"HOLY #*(&@$*(& MOTHER OF *#&&@& SONOFA #*#(@*(#(#*!"

The expletives just poured from my mouth.

Thank goodness we had the car to ourselves. Otherwise I surely would have ruined a child's innocence or something. Then they'd have gone home and said something like,

"Hi Mom! F***!"

When the ride was over I was panting in my seat. The teenaged operator smirked and asked me how it was as she helped me up.

"It was fun," I lied.

Okay, so it wasn't a TOTAL lie. It WAS fun.

But it also scared the mess out of me.

This probably makes me a wimp but I don't care.

We went on a bunch of other rides.

I cursed and cursed.

Our final ride was the log ride. We saved that for last because there was a chance that we might get wet when the log dove into the water.

Log rides make me nervous because there are no safety bars.

You're supposed to grip the sides of your log and that just does not seem safe to me.

I always feel like I'm going to fling right out of it.

This ride had two drops. When we went down the first one I shouted words that made me sound totally unladylike.

I assumed that was the only drop.

But no.

The log suddenly started to CLIMB again.

This time higher.

"I thought that drop was it," I told Jennifer, who was sitting in front of me.

"No. We have one more," she explained, her voice laced with excitement.

Drops don't scare Jennifer.

Before I knew it, we were falling at what seemed like to me as an unsafe rate.

I gripped the sides with all my might and prayed that I wasn't about to be ejected from the ride.

Oh, and I cursed and cursed.

When that was over we went to check out the ride pictures just to see if it captured anything thrilling.

It did.

When our photo popped up it showed a delighted Jennifer and...


...a terrified me.


  1. CLASSIC picture! LOL!

    I love rollercoasters! The faster, the better!

  2. The picture is truly worth 1000 words... maybe even 10,000

  3. Oh my god that picture is awesome! For serious and serious!

    And at least you can admit you're a wimp! My hubby says he hates rollercoasters but we both know it's because he is scared to death and is a big wimp!

  4. That is the most awesome roller coaster picture EVER!!!!!!!!

  5. For my 30th birthday, we went on the ferris wheel at Navy Pier in Chicago. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. Roller coasters? No, thanks. (But that mall seems to be an amazing place!)

  6. Oh, this reminds me of my ride on that horrible upside down Mickey Head contraption I went on at California Disney! I have never been so terrified in all my life. I screamed and shut my eyes through the entire ride! I was bruised all over from pressing my body into the seat so hard and I could barely walk because I had put my foot up on the bottom part of the door to keep from flying around and it shook so badly, it fell asleep!

    People who enjoy coasters are completely mad!

  7. I've ridden motorcycles and I don't do roller coasters.

    Some call it a coward, I call it sane to keep your head above your feet at all times.

    I won't go on the ferris wheel either. I'm just no fun. I do like the tilt a whirl and rides that spin you around.

    I give you credit for pushing the envelope.

    Liking being on the ground is just the foolsfitness way. -Alan

  8. WOW! I'm impressed you were able to go on those rides for the sake of your daughter. We've been to that mall once and I told my hubby he has several years to go before our daughter can ride with him, because I'd never get on one. Congrats on overcoming your fear to do it! The closest I've ever come is a tilt-o-whirl and a caterpillar kiddie ride that was a small oval not higher than 3 feet off the ground.

  9. So funny!

    You know, I used to LOVE coasters. I'd ride anything, even though that creaking climb up the first hill scared the sh*t out of me. Something about becoming a mom changed me and now you couldn't PAY me to get on one!

  10. I LOVE roller coasters! But the key is to ride the water rides first so you have time to dry off before hitting the leather seats in the car.

    Great picture by the way! I love that they do candid photos now! Oh the memories!

  11. That picture is too funny!

    I love roller coasters but my hubby refuses to get on any!

  12. That picture is perfect! Totally captures your *love* of the coasters!

  13. That pic is priceless. I am on your side. I really dislike rollercoasters. I'll go but not happily. Twists, turn, barrels- fine. It is the drop I cannot handle. Yikes. My brothers are begging me to get a sitter and join them with their significant others at a large amusement park for adult fun. I keep giving my husband lames reasons for not picking a date. But the lamest reason, rollercoaster rides, the real reason has not come up yet. Yet...

  14. my family is a pack of adrenaline junkies except for ME. And we live in Myrtle Beach, so if I want to hang with them at all in the summer and impress my houseguests, who are mostly nieces and nephews, I have to go on the coasters. It also gets me out of cooking dinner because I usually cant stand or speak for an hour or two after it's over!

  15. this post totally cracked me up! that is the best picture EVER!!!!

  16. LOL! I love roller coasters. My 3.5year old met the height requirement from Tower of Terror so we went on it and...well...I think I traumatized her or something. Go figure, I thought she would have enjoyed it.

  17. Back in the 70's when Six Flags Over Texas opened up their Shockwave ride, my dad mentioned that they were out welding on it an hour before he rode it. I love roller coasters, but I'm not sure I'm that brave!

  18. that is the best photo ever!!

    i'm cracking up with tears coming from my eyes.

    kudos for pushing the envelope. I would have never done it. I tried that in Disneyland and umm, never again. never.



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