So how was your long weekend?
Did you BBQ?
Did you go camping and relax and eat S’mores?
If you did, then I’m totally jealous.
Want to know what I did?
Well, I cleaned the house and reminded the kids to use their indoor voices at least a bazillion times.
I would have shoved them outside but it was rainy all weekend. Don’t the Weather Gods comprehend that long weekends must be pleasant and sunny?
On Memorial Day I called up my husband to thank him for his service.
“What do you want to buy?” he asked warily.
Oh my God! I was totally being nice and thanking him for his service in the Air Force and he’s asking me what I want?? Can’t I just be nice and not want something?
“No,” Tom replied when I asked him this. “So what do you want?”
“Nothing!” I shrieked. “I’m just thanking you for your service. It’s MUCH appreciated.”
Okay, if I’m being totally honest there are a few books I want. But it’s nothing I need now.
“Thanks....I guess.....” Tom said, still sounding as though he didn’t believe that I didn’t want anything.
“So what are you doing today?” I wondered politely. I imagined that he’d say that he was just lying around and watching TV.
Instead he said, “Oh, I’m going to lunch with your Mom and then we’re going to the outlet mall.”
I nearly dropped the phone.
SHOPPING AT THE OUTLET MALL?
With MY Mother?
(My parents live near where Tom is taking his class so he usually goes up to stay with them over the weekend.)
“Oh,” I said in a strangled voice. “That must be....nice....”
I was seething. What’s this business about going to the outlet mall? Without me? He doesn’t even APPRECIATE the outlet malls. All he wants to shop at is this boring Black and Decker store and then he’s all, “Well I’m done.” Oh and he has to get a chocolate apple from The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. But then that’s it.
Me, I could stay all day. I go to Carters, Oshkosh, Gymboree, Gap, The Children’s Place.....the list goes on and on and on.
And lunch! All I was having was some boring macaroni and cheese.
“I’ll still take you to the outlet mall when you visit,” Tom promised.
But now he’s going to be extra rushed because he’s already BEEN to the outlet malls. So he’ll do a quick sweep of the tool store and when he sees nothing new has arrived he’ll be badgering me to finish up and I’ll be screaming, “If you rush me I’m going to hit you over the head with my purse, so help me God, Tom!”
If people think that Kate from Jon and Kate plus 8 is mean then they should see me when Tom tries to rush me when I’m trying to shop. It’s not a pretty sight.
I hung up a few minutes later. I didn’t want to hear about his exciting day when all I was doing was eating orange macaroni and trying to keep the kids from killing each other.
To cheer myself up, I decided to make brownies. When I make brownies I totally lick the bowl clean. Sure I could get salmonella but it’s never happened before. Plus, Hulk Hogan swallows eggs raw and he’s....well, he’s still breathing.
I gave the kids a spoonful of the batter and then took my bowl and my spoon and tried to hide in the laundry room. See, if the kids saw me happily noshing on the batter, they’d want some more.
So there I was, leaning against the washer and totally pigging out on the chocolate. Oooo, it was delicious. I was in a state of euphoria and I was about to stick another heaping spoonful in my mouth when....
“Mommy! THERE you are!”
Uh oh. Busted.
My son Tommy stood in the doorway and narrowed his eyes at me. He still had his spoon which was now licked clean and started coming at me with it.
What’s he doing?
He already got a bite! Why’s he looking at me like he’s going to get....MORE? This is my chocolate, dammit, and I don’t have to share!
Plus, I’m totally PMSing and when you’re PMSing it cancels out the whole sharing thing, right?
“What are you....doing son?” I asked weakly and quickly put the bowl over my head as Tommy made a move to get more batter.
“I want more,” he told me simply and tried to jump to reach the bowl.
At that moment Natalie rushed into the room with her spoon out.
IS THERE NO PLACE TO HIDE IN THIS HOUSE?
Okay. Think. THINK. I had to distract these kids so they wouldn’t eat my batter.
“How about we have some Hershey’s Kisses?” I asked in a high pitched voice to make it seem like this was an exciting offer.
Because Natalie is two, she fell for it. She clapped her hands and went, “Cah-co-dat!” and dropped her spoon on the floor.
But Tommy is seven and doesn’t fall for things like that anymore. He gave me a stern look and went, “I don’t WANT a Hershey’s Kiss. I want that.” And he gestured to my bowl.
In the end I gave him another bite. But then I quickly finished the rest and when he asked for more I told him in a sad voice (with cheeks stuffed with chocolate), “I’m sorry, son. It’s all gone.”
Tom called me a few minutes later and I was feeling sated from the chocolate mix so it didn’t hurt as badly that he was shopping without me.
“You’ll be proud of me. I just bought two chocolate apples,” Tom said.
That is a huge feat. I can’t just go to the outlet mall and buy apples.
“Did you at least go to Gymboree and think about me?” I asked hopefully. I had pictured Tom wistfully stepping into Gymboree and gazing around the store and then his heart would clench because he realized how much he missed me....
“Um. No,” Tom said, clearly confused.
It's all good, though. I had my chocolate and I was still on a high from that so I wasn't insulted.