Friday, May 22, 2009

Letters to Tom

Most people know that my husband Tom is on TDY until June. He’s been gone since April. I usually send him letters or e-mails to keep his spirits up.

The following is the type of letter that I usually send him because I don’t want him to worry about us. The second letter will be the type of letter that I wish I could send.

Dear Tom,

We miss you over here and hope you are doing well. Tommy has been really interested in plants lately and insisted that we buy some marigold seeds. He constantly chatters about roots and the importance of sunlight and water for his beloved plants. Sometimes I wonder if he’s too attached to his plants because one day he put his potted flower in my bed because he thought it could use a rest. It was pretty funny!

Natalie is becoming more independent. We’re working on potty training and have had no successes but I hope she surprises me one day. She also prefers to get dressed herself and if you dare help her, she’ll get upset. She’s a silly girl!

As for me, well, I’m just taking things day by day. The bed is empty without you.

I can’t wait to see you next month. I plan on throwing my arms around your neck and resting my head on your shoulder. I’m so proud of you!

We all love you!

Amber, Tommy and Natalie

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This is the letter that I WANT to send:


Tom,

I hope you don’t plan on going away anytime soon. Because I will not allow it. I need a break. These children are monsters, absolute monsters!

Tommy won’t stop talking about plants and there is no polite way to say, “I could care less about your flower!” So I have to stand there and listen to him prattle on and on about it and then he’ll ask me why we don’t have a garden and I’ll say, “Because Mommy kills plants!” Then he’ll look all horrified and hug his potted plant to his chest and toss me a dirty look as though he thinks I murder plants on purpose.

Do you know what your son did? He put his potted plant IN MY BED because he said that it needed to rest. There was dirt all over the place. I was so close to tossing the thing out the window but I didn’t simply because I didn’t want to hear the screams that Tommy surely would have emitted if I had tossed his green friend into the street. I told him through clenched teeth that plants don’t NEED a bed and to please not do that ever again.

Tommy also put a few marigold seeds in the spaghetti sauce. He said that they’d taste good because he mistook them for sunflower seeds. So now I’m petrified that we’re all going to be shitting marigolds in a few days. If we see each other again and a flower is coming out of my ass, well, you’ll know what happened.

Natalie has clearly lost her shit. She’ll tell me that she needs to use the potty and I’ll get all excited but she won’t do a thing on it. She’ll sit for two seconds and then run off stark naked and take a crap on the floor. I’m not joking. SHE TOOK A CRAP ON THE FLOOR! Our daughter is part monkey, I swear it.

Natalie also likes dressing herself which means it takes an hour for her to get ready. She’ll slowly put on her shirt but she can’t figure out all the holes yet so she’ll try and push her head through the arm hole and if I dare tell her that it’s wrong she’ll turn into Linda Blair and throw a ten minute fit. So I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. It’s just easier that way.

The only bright spot in all of this is that I get the bed to myself. I’m sorry, but you might have to sleep on the couch when you get home. I love stretching out. I love resting my arm on your abandoned pillow. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to share again.

So I will see you next month and don’t be offended if the second I see you I give you a quick kiss, deposit Natalie into your arms, push Tommy in your direction and take off towards the hills. I swear, I’ll be back. I just need a few days of silence.

June can’t come soon enough.

Oh, and yeah, I love you.

Amber, Tommy and Natalie

51 comments:

  1. I don't understand. Why wouldn't you send out the second one? (*wink wink smirk*)

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  2. I love the second letter, and the fact that the first baaaaaasically says the same thing.

    I'm sorry about your dd being a monkey though. :(

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  3. I'm not sure I (or my children) would survive the planting of the flower in my bed. Good for you for holding it together!

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  4. haha! I love the second one and I'm certain he'll be giving you some rest time ... dont ya think?!!

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  5. Haha! I love this! I want to send letters that say Eff You to people all the time. I guess that's not polite or something.

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  6. I'd send the second one. You're a much better person than I am.

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  7. Oh, my! I was laughing so hard reading those...hysterical.

    I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have your husband gone for so long. If my husband is home from work later than 5:30 daily I'm ready to run for the hills!

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  8. I can totally relate! Curtis works ALL. THE. TIME. and sometimes I feel like I'm raising these kids by myself. I could soooo write a similar letter!

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  9. This was great! Your second letter was pure gold! Thanks for the laugh!

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  10. I can't imagine doing this parenting things alone. You totally rock and Run Girl Run!

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  11. I think I'll try writing my own version of the second letter & tape it to my son's head as i'm pushing him in David's direction & running quickly for the car. lmao...i don't know why we always have to "keep it together" for the men?

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  12. I knew I liked you when I would read your blog and now I know why--- we have something in common. Husbands on duty and TDY! :O)

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  13. I'd totally send the second one. ;)

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  14. Love the flowers out the asshole! You are too funny! Sorry you are having the potty training blues! LOL

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  15. When you said flowers out of your ass, my first thought was at least your sh*t don't stink (winks). I honestly get why you don't send the second (other than Tom wouldn't want to come back after reading that...). My daughter recently had a few health issues that ended up with her seeing a few different doctors every other day almost and she didn't/wouldn't tell her husband. Her reasoning why was, he has enough to worry about over in Iraq. Why worry him when there was basically nothing he could do from over there anyway.
    I have a feeling Tom's in for a surprise when he does get home. (Hugs)Indigo

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  16. I love the second letter.
    I think I would tell hubby to save all of the letters you sent him, and then when he gets home, give him all of the 'real' letters and let him match them up.
    He deserves to enjoy some of the fun times in parenting too.

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  17. Sip on a fruity cocktail....and write letter #2...lol

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  18. :) The plant needed rest was too funny and sweet.

    I think perhaps you should alternate between the 'usually send him' and 'wish I could send' letters. I think the second one gives a very active view of your life and might even bring a smile to his face. I do understand the worry bit, but the little tidbits might be fun for him to read too, maybe you can tweak it a little bit so that the 'worrying' bits dont come through.

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  19. What kind of wife would send that second letter??? Oh yeah, ME. LOL! Maybe a venus fly trap will change lil Mr. Greenthumbs mind about plants? Just sayin'...
    Hope you get the much needed break - make out with hubby before you run off! ;)

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  20. Ha! Maybe you should write two letters everytime, just make sure you send the right one!

    But seriously, I don't know how you do it with your husband gone so long!

    Superwoman!

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  21. hilarious, the 2nd one...now THAT's more like it :))

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  22. I went through 6 months of writing daily letters to my husband while he was deployed. I so know how you feel!

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  23. Oh my god I love this post. I'm so glad i found your blog, and now i must go read everything else (mostly to see if you are shitting marigolds on the floor yet...)

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  24. We all understand :-(

    I vote to send him the second letter. If you have nicer parents than I, maybe they will watch the kids for a week when your hubby returns for both of you to take a chill.

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  25. Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog!
    Your blog is great. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for you. And your honesty is so refreshing. We're only human and can only deal with stuff for so long. I am so anxious for you to have your husband back home!! I'll stay tuned to hear about the reunion!!
    oh, and btw, two of my kids are tommy and natalie, too! :) I have an Ally, Tommy, and Natalie. :)

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  26. Bwahahaha that is hysterical! You are a way better Mom than I because not only would I have sent the second letter over the first letter... and maybe even have included some pictures ;)

    Definitely with you on loving the bed to myself. My husband often falls asleep on the couch while watching TV... I've stopped trying to wake him ;)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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  27. Thanks for stopping by my blog. That 2nd letter is really funny.

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  28. Oh yeah.

    My husband comes home every night and sometimes I want to leave him voice mails at work that sound like the second letter.

    Hang in there!

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  29. Keep us posted on the marigold issue, ha! I would send him that letter just to see his reaction. ;)

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  31. oh man, that was hilarious! the whole keeping the bed to yourself thing can NOT be underestimated.

    www.bluntdelivery.com

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  32. btw, if the marigold *does* bloom out your ass, you know we'll want photos, right? All this talk talk talk and no pics? Crap, I say...

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  33. The second one gets my vote. I would love to see his response to it!

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  34. Tightwad STILL sleeps on the couch (snoring) and we are BOTH okay with it.

    Oh,and WHO in the hell invited Ed???

    That bastard follows us all around.

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  35. I love the second one, it says all of the things a polite wife and mother wouldn't say...... but wives get the chance to be "un-polite" too, right?

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  36. I'm so generous I'm shouting at you today on my post. Now you'll see hundreds and hundreds of visitors, score mega-comments, and become huge.

    If anyone pays attention to my post, that is....

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  37. Braja is the goddess of the blogs! And a beautiful woman.

    And this is a freaking hilarious post!! Can I come visit for a week and just watch?!

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  38. That was awesome! I can't imagine what you are going through, but that is the type of letter I want to send my husband for just going to work for a DAY!

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  39. I am bellowing with laughter -- you are a funny lady!

    I just LOVE Braja's new jewel-of-the-day. I get to read the best posts without spending hours looking!

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  40. Boy do I understand this one! When my kids were that age I used to think my brain would explode if one more thing happened before their dad got home to help. Then he would arrive and say he was too tired from working to help out. Geez....

    My suggestion... dump them on a granparent, take hubby when he gets back to some place with a really big bed (for both of you) and get in some vigorous exercise!

    Funny post, lady!

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  41. Love it! Tell us how you really feel!
    I came here from Braja's blog. Glad I did. I'll keep up with you.

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  42. Saw this link on Braja's site and I like it!

    I think you should show him that letter when he gets home. Once all is said and done he might get a kick out of it.

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  43. The funniest thing I've read all day, excluding my bank statement ( that was fookin' hysterical )

    Great post...

    Peace - Rene

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  44. My husband spent 30 years in the Navy...I spent his last 18 of them with him...honey, you're preaching to the choir...do I know or what? I won't even go there, because I'd never shut up and later I could do my own post, lol!
    Sandi
    ps Braja sent me over...she's a jewel,too!

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  45. You are a wise woman. I believe you sent him the right letter, and us the right one as well :)!

    Here from Brajas.

    My son was in Iraq. My heart goes out to your family!

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