Sunday, June 28, 2009

Anyone Need A Man?

I'm hiding.

From my husband.

I'm kidding.

Sort of.

It's just...he always wants to, you know, do it.

And okay, it was fun the first few times but now I miss being able to go to bed and not having to worry about having someone paw at me.

Like last night I had to get firm with him, which I hated to do, but I was exhausted and my parent's A/C is on the fritz so it was hot and there was my husband stroking my butt.

"It's hot and I'm tired," I mumbled at him.

His hand didn't move. I think he said something like, "I'll cool you off," which makes no sense to me but a horny guy will say just about anything to get into your pants. Word to the wise.

He follows me into rooms too. Like today I was going to the bathroom to PEE and then there he was behind me. He scared the crap out of me to be honest. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because I usually have one of my kids following me in but at that point they were being entertained by my parents so I took advantage of a kid free pee. (A KFP. Sort of like the chicken but with a P.) I was practically giddy as I headed for the toilet-- you mean I get to pee--ALONE?? and I nearly had a heart attack when I went to shut the door and Tom was right there.

"Now that we're alone..." he said coyly, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

I mean...seriously? With the kids running around less than ten feet away? With my parents right there?

Oh, and let's not forget that I had a FULL BLADDER!

I don't like to pee in front of my husband either.

"Um," I said, racking my brain of how I could deny him politely. Because we were still somewhat in the polite stage at that point since we had been apart for awhile. If he had followed me in any other time I'd have probably told him to get the crap out of the bathroom and slammed the door in his face. But because I hadn't seen him in a little over two months I forced a smile and said, "I'd really like my privacy. I don't get it often and I could really use some."

Tom still stood there and was staring at my crotch. It was still covered but it was like he was WAITING for me to get rid of my pants or something.

"So...I'm going to need you to go..." I trailed off and tried to shove him out. But he's got nearly a hundred pounds on me so he didn't budge.

"Bye bye now," I tried again.


"I'm not peeing in front of you," I said meekly.

"Oh, I'm not in here to watch you pee," Tom reminded me suggestively.


Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. But it's HOT here and I get cranky when it's hot. To have someone constantly pawing at me is not always enjoyable. It's like, dude, mind my space. It's HOT. Do you see the sweat beads above my lip? That's because I'm trying not to melt on the sidewalk.

"Tom, I really need to pee. I need you to leave," I said and pointed towards the door.

Then he tried to kiss me and at that point my bladder was UNCOMFORTABLE because it's not what it used to be after having two kids. When I need to go, I need to GO.

So I sort of HAD to push Tom out because I was worried I was going to pee all over the floor and how would I have explained that to my parents?

Mom, Dad? Sorry about the urine on the floor. My husband was trying to seduce me...

And then Tom would forever tell the story of how I totally pissed on the floor.

So I didn't have a choice on pushing him out. Of course he said sadly on the other side of the door, "You don't love me anymore," because as I said before, he can act like a total girl when he doesn't get what he wants.

When I was finished doing my business I went to get some water and he was right behind me.

"Jesus!" I shrieked.

"Hi," he said and grazed my boob.

Does anyone want to entertain Tom for a few hours? Please? Because I'm about to head off to bed and he just walked by and said something like, "You're mine tonight," and it's still hot and I'm half asleep and I already know I'm not going to get good sleep because I have to get used to sharing my bed again. And Tom is very shifty. Last night he tossed his big old man leg on top of my waist and snored in my face.

Help me!


  1. I just had to laugh my butt off at this. I haven't been dogged by a man sniffing around for sex in a little while (well, a LONG while), but I have vivid memories. And you've just made me very glad I'm still single. And happily so. :)

  2. omg, I am SOOOOO sorry and I completely understand. Maybe both of our husbands should get together and go play golf or something. I read this to him, by the way, and the first thing out of his mouth was "I'm not alone!" Well, neither am I, I feel ya sister.

    He also said some inappropriate things about the humidity in TX (that's where we're from) that would be right up your husband's alley. *sigh* I think we both need a break... and a drink!

  3. This cracked me up because my husband is just like this. These men! So shifty! Ugh, and mine totally plays the ''you don't love me anymore'' card all.the.time. Damn Gina! (Sorry, had to throw some martin in there)

  4. There must be something in the air. If anyone claims Tom, will you see if they'll take my husband too?

  5. My policy is pre-emptive strike. Always choose your own battleground and take the fight to enemy territory, exhausting the enemy's resources before he can invade you home ground.

    Ok, I have no idea if that metaphor actually makes sense, but I sure had fun imagining it.

  6. Honey, you are going to have to give it up, wear him down, wear him out. . . he's got too much pent up frustration running through him. He has been alone for two months. You have been the single mother of small children, a housewife spinning plates for two months. If you've already tried the first part, maybe before going there again, he needs to listen and really hear how life has been for you while he was gone. Otherwise those letters you didn't send to him, aren't going to make a difference. He needs to understand inside your life. It's time for that 5-day vacation at the spa!
    Now, when you go to the bathroom, tell him to get the . . . . I mean get his. . I mean really? He wouldn't leave the bathroom for you to pee? What's love got to do with that?

  7. OMG sorry I not laughing at you but with you. Nothing worse than a horny husband and A/C on the fritz! Oh and a house full of others! Good Luck! Whatever you do don't take out the garbage...he maybe waiting !

  8. Oh sweetie! Two months of having the whole bed to yourself - you've gotten spoiled!

    Guys really ARE all the same!

  9. Oh my GOD this is so funny I have just nearly weed myself!

  10. Thanks for the laugh this morning...I hate to laugh at your expense but this is just hilarious. I wish I had some advice for you but after 2 months...they'll be no stopping him. Good luck!

  11. isn't it weird how we get used to having the whole bed to ourselves? Husband travels for week or two, and part of me is thrilled and the other part dreads his return... thanks for the Monday am laughs :)

  12. I just end up giving in...and thankfully, liking it a lot! John can be relentless!!

    Hallie :)

  13. Well, if you wanna know what works for me...flattery!

    Yes, flattery!

    Just tell him that your vajayjay (or whatever her name is) is sore from the love fest and your girly parts need a break before he breaks you in half.

    You may have to walk around all bull-legged in his presence to get your point across, maybe ask him for an ice pack or something, but it works!

  14. I will be having my hubs read this today. He needs to know I am not the only one. he tells me constantly that he has never heard of a woman not wanting to have sex t least ever other day. I don't know who he date for we got married, but she surely wasnt human.

  15. Too funny! I needed this good laugh on Monady morning! I agree flatter him. Just let him know the wonderful job he did tired you out:)Good Luck!

  16. Awww he missed you! Too funny though, being chased around by a pointy thing all the time must be tiring! I say give him more than he can handle... be ecstatic that he can't wait to get you naked! He went away for 2 months, for the betterment of himself and the family, and just like a puppy, he needs a treat and a pat on the head... and just like a toddler, he needs it to be repetitive until he gets the point and works it all out in his head (the one above his shoulders perverts lol).

    I would think of it like this... I'm elated that he's coming home and wants to get all frisky instead of becoming a silent soldier holding everything inside.

  17. Well.

    Umm... . o O (come on, brain, work! You need a comment...)


    Oh my. Even if it has "been two months" you ought to see this from the other side - the truest measure of how LOVELY you look is how much umm, excitement you generate... and you are generating oodles of it. You got to be one OMG super sexy woman. :)

  18. Uhhh, no. I really don't think I can take Tom off your hands! Sorry:)

  19. Just one question. Does Tom read your blog? LOL! You have a way with words - you bring us right into your daily life. I love it!

    Unfortunately I can't give you any words of advice because it's the opposite for me. I've never be married to someone who has my sex drive :( Soooo, I'm a little envious of you. Take it while you can because when you get older, it might not be there! LOL!

  20. I'm just laughing. Not much to say, you said it all. Men are corny when they are horny, huh? "I'll cool you off." HA HA HA HA

  21. Ah, I feel your pain! And they take it so personally too---take us at face value, really, when we say we're hot and tired, we're really hot and tired! I can never convey to my husband that it takes me a lot more time to shift gears from Mommy to Vixen than it takes him to shift from Daddy to Mimbo. And to interfere with a woman's right to pee in private...that's crossing the line!

    Too funny.

  22. Sorry, looking from the guys side I have to disagree with most of the woman and second the Pastor's suggestion: you start jumping him until he's won out. Don't let him sleep at all, when he throws that leg over you just stick your toungue in his ear and say 'come on big boy', or whatever is appropriate.
    It has been two months. Geez.

  23. So all men are the same!
    I'm voting with Miss Behavin. Girly parts can need a break!!

  24. As much as I'd like to help you out because I think you are awesome, I have to decline. I'm too tired from dodging my own man.
    Ps. 10 minute solution. If you don't know what I'm talking about, email me and I'll fill you in!

  25. Just keep saying no and hopefully, he will get the hint, maybe.

  26. I'm so glad he's home! Sorry he is bugging you but I just had a week alone with mine and *please god* make him back off!!! I feel for ya!

  27. Re: Previous blog;

    Whisperingwriter/supportive, loving, wife, restrains her enthusiasm and yields to beloved husband’s wishes,

    "Congrats on your award, Tom," I said and gave him a hug. No kiss because he's always paranoid about PDA when he's in uniform. I wanted to play the part of doting wife so I stuck my arm out and shook Tom's bewildered hand.

    Re: Current blog;

    I mean...seriously? With the kids running around less than ten feet away? With my parents right there?

    In a perfect world, you could use this parable to appeal to hubby’s symbiotic sense of logic and fairness.

    Snort! Seriously though, who’s harder to live with—Mr. ‘Adoring’ Horny Pants or Mr. Pouty Grumpy Pants…

    Sigh. A woman’s work is truly never done.

  28. Hilarious!! All of us can I would say, "give it up already", but seriously NO A/C!! I don't think I could do it! When is it going to be fixed already????

    My hubby's famous line when he is in the shower is "Hey you wanna put half your body in here? It will only take a minute".....I think, yah, because that sounds fun...

    Well, be glad his eyes are only for you! GOOD LUCK! Keep us posted. I give you one more day and you will cave - a/c or no a/c!

  29. Geez! I think I might start locking myself into closets.
    Does he know that foreplay does not equal stalking? Does he know that women appreaciate several hours', if not 24 hours', notice on that kind of thing?
    And does he not know, from basic equipment knowledge, that pee and arousal do not work together?
    I swear, I'd pay for the prostitute if it got me to sleep on a hot night.

  30. I needed that!! Loved it! Hope you are too busy to read all your comments..wink wink..

  31. Hope you're having a good time!

  32. Great blog! Sounds like my guy, too! I mean geez louise! what are they thinking?

  33. OMG!!! im at work cracking up!!!!!!!...texas heat and no air conditioner brings out the worst in women and the horny in the men...believe me im from texas and we are having 98degree days...dry wind...and i only have 2 window air conditioners!! so i feel ya!! good luck!!!

  34. I think I might be married to Tom...only I call him Scott...cause they sound identical and we've haven't even been apart for two months!

  35. This was a great post! Made me laugh because looks like we are all in the same boat. ha ha.

  36. Hahaha! Oh you kill me! Seriously, don't they know the meaning of the word tired? Or "I gotta pee!"?

  37. I was laughing so hard when reading this that Mr. J wanted me to let him read what was so funny. But given he's 6 & male, he wouldn't get it. I on the other hand am still laughing & so get it.

  38. HAHAHAHA...k that was hilarious! Been there, well, I'm there always. Husbands!

  39. You are an awesome writer. I love reading your posts.

    btw...i gave you an award.

  40. I'm laughing right are cracking me up.

    Hope tonight goes better for you!

  41. the blog having good future time
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  42. I "hide" too. It's a bit different for me. We're trying to have a baby so sex is very timely and orderly and per specific days of the cycle for us and then the rest of the cycle I'm just worn out from all the baby-making sex that I could care less to have any recreational sex.


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