Monday, July 13, 2009

Man in the House

*Clickity clickity click*

My fingers were flying across the keyboard. The story was flowing easily and I was in a groove. I was no longer Amber, a twenty-something who was married with a husband and two kids. I was transported someplace else, in another life, in—

“Are you coming to bed?” my husband’s voice rang out.

Nooooo! Noooo! I can’t lose my groove yet! I just got it. Maybe if I ignored him he’d get the hint and go away. He knows that when he married a writer that I’d be eccentric after all.

But no. Tom didn’t seem to remember this. In fact he came over and rested his chin on my shoulder. He started muttering the words that I had just typed in my ear.

That’s it. My groove was officially gone. Poof. Out the window. Kaput.

I sighed and minimized the screen. Not only did I lose my inspiration but I now had a tingling feeling going up my back because I HATE when people read over my shoulder. It’s just a rude thing to do.

“What is it Tom?” I asked, irritated that I had been interrupted. Since he had been gone for nearly three months I had been writing in my book for at least an hour each night. I’m determined to finish this novel. I have a bad habit of starting one and then never going back to it.

“Are you coming to bed?” Tom repeated. He wiggled his eyebrows up and down which meant that he wanted to get down my pants.

That’s another thing I didn’t miss: being pawed at. Sometimes I just like to go to bed and not have to worry about a hand touching my ass cheek.

“No Tom,” I said. “I don’t come to bed until midnight.”

You’d think I had just informed him that I ran around our cul-de-sac in the buff while screaming, “I’m FREE! I’m FREE!” He seriously looked shocked.

“Since when?” he asked in a bewildered tone.

“Since….I don’t know, after you left? During the school year I’m in bed by 11. But during the summer I stay up until midnight,” I explained. I guess Tom wasn’t aware because he left in April when I was still going to bed earlier. When we were both in Texas I did go to bed earlier but only because it was so hot and it just wears on a body, you know? So by 11 I was exhausted from being in the heat. But now I’m back in Wyoming where it’s the land of “the high is 83!” and not “the high is 104!”

“So you aren’t coming to bed?” Tom wondered slowly.

Honestly, Tom’s brain must shut off in the evening or something. What part of this didn’t he comprehend?

“I’m not coming to bed,” I echoed and then turned back to the computer screen. Maybe I could get my groove back. I’d listen to a little music on iTunes and hopefully get inspired again and…

“I thought we could go to bed together,” Tom’s tiny voice rang out.

I sighed. How in the world am I supposed to finish my novel if I have someone asking me when I’m coming to bed every night?

“I can tuck you in,” I offered.

Tom’s hand grazed my breasts. “I’d like that….”

For Heaven’s sake.

“Tom, I’d really like to get back to my book. I’m trying to finish it and—” I began. Maybe if I explained then he’d understand.

“Oh, I can make it so this won’t take long,” Tom interrupted in his come-hither voice that actually makes me giggle. But I can’t laugh because then he’d get all insulted and I’d rather not go through a man pout if I can avoid it.

Bedtime isn’t the only thing I’m getting used to. I also forgot how much Tom hates to lose when he’s playing the Wii. He dug out the tennis game and was playing that while I was trying to type a bit in my novel and then suddenly I hear,

“You SUCK! You’re an uppity bitch!”

Excuse me?

Thank goodness the kids were upstairs. And what’s with this uppity bitch thing? I checked the screen and saw that all the players appeared to be males. Is it the new thing to call men bitches? I’m usually out of the loop. I’m still in disbelief that some styles from the 80s are coming back.

Anyhow, Tom was losing his game. The ball kept flying past him and he’d boom,


I wish the house were bigger. Then I could have an office and I could write in peace. But alas, we live in military housing where everything is small. I nearly cried when I saw the closets.

There was no way I could get into a groove with Tom shouting like that.

“Tom?” I called out sweetly. “Could you keep it down? I’m trying to write.”

Tom swung around and his cartoon character missed the ball again. He emitted some choice words and I half expected him to slam his foot down in a full out pout.

“Tom! Please be quiet,” I begged.

Tom pointed angrily to the television. “I can’t help it. They’re CHEATING!”

I sucked in my breath. “I know Tom, I know.” I nodded my head as though I understood completely. I spoke to him as though I were speaking to my seven-year-old when he’s upset when he doesn’t make a basket.

Then Tom went into a rant on how the computer always cheats and how it’s not fair and blah blah blah.

So, okay, there has been some getting used to having my husband in the house again. But there is a plus!

See, Tom and I started watching this ghost show that seriously freaked me out. There was this ghost that actually SCRATCHED people. I was frightened of course but I have this compulsion to watch ghost programs. So we watched and that night Tom actually waited for me to come to bed. I think he was freaked out about the ghost show too but he’d never admit it.

When we got to bed I swore there were ghosts floating around.

“What’s that?” I whispered.

“The dresser,” Tom replied.

“Are you sure? It looks misty,” I said.

“It’s the dresser,” Tom said firmly.

There was a silence.


“What in the WORLD is that?” I gestured wildly to something swirling overhead. It looked like it was getting closer. What if we had our own ghost that scratches us?

“Amber. That’s the ceiling fan,” Tom said, annoyed.

Oh. Right. It looked sinister to me though.

I snuggled close to Tom. I wasn’t even going to mention that I swore I saw something hovering in the doorway.

“I’m glad you’re home,” I said softly.

“Why? So I can assure you that your jewelry box isn’t a ghost?” Tom said dryly.

“No. Because I MISSED you, you fool,” I answered.

Tom kissed me on the head. “I missed you too, you paranoid freak.”


  1. Now, you know, men are the only ones who get busy and who do things so important that they can't be interrupted. lol

    They can be such babies, but it is nice to have them around. It's a shame to have to get into your own groove because they have to be away. I am that way with my boyfriend. He's gone for months.

  2. LOL! I love the last line. If you'd like to e-mail and are willing to talk about it, I'd love to hear more about your novel. I am curious.

  3. very funny, i have done the same thing with hubby. he goes & steals my writing groove too but i still love having him around.

  4. I try to blog when he's not around.

    It's too bad that last night I was the one asking my husband when he was coming to bed. I don't think he understood that he would have gotten some. When he chose to come to bed an hour later, I was asleep. Oh, well.

  5. LOL! We watched that show too, on the Bio channel! We're freaks though. We watch Ghost Hunters every week.

    I swear girl, its like reading a version of my life! So similar! You are a fantastic writer btw, that's why I keep coming back.

  6. You don't write ghost stories, do you? It would make me really happy to think you wrote ghost stories. Is that mean? I didn't mean it to be mean...

  7. LOL.. I always thought it must be quite an adjustment to the spouse left at home when a military person is deployed or in training.

    Hang in there. He'll get back into the groove and so will you!

  8. My hubbie lets the f bombs loose when playing video games. Why do they get so angry? It's just a game for heaven sakes!

    And why is your husband so horny? Oh yeah, he hasn't had sex for how many months?

    (What a sweet ending)

  9. Haha to Pooba's comments. So true. I have to tell hubby to calm it down on the game talk sometimes.

    As for the 'come to bed' time. Eh, too tired and too tired.

  10. Why are men so persistent when it comes to "bed" time? LOL
    And I am scared by every little thing I see at night too. was a pillow. :)

  11. My husband has a rule that we can't go to bed until the other one does. What is up with that? Men are weird.

  12. Honestly, I have just nearly cried reading this post. You are hilarious, I love you!!


  13. Sounds like the only way you're going to get peace and quiet is if you "pencil in" a date with Tom. From 10-10:30 SWT (sex with Tom)
    From 10:30- 12:00 WRITE

    You know he'll turn over and fall right to sleep after sex and you won't hear a peep out of him. You'll have peace and quiet and he'll be satisfied. Well, here's hoping that you'll BOTH be satisfied, heh, heh.

  14. tell him to leave you alone, I totally want to read your novel.

    oh and my hubby gets pissed off at video games too. It sucks.

  15. Paranoid Freak? Now, that is love! LOL

  16. awww the sound of sweet!

  17. I want to read your book!!
    Let me know when you publish it! I'll be the first to buy...i LOVE your blog ;) You are way too entertaining and you've got one horny husband!
    Just "grabbed" your button! hehe

  18. I'm a paranoid freak, too! There's nothing wrong with it. I agree with Annie. I can't wait to read your book. You crack me up!

  19. husbands are something, aren't they? Stinkers.

  20. hahaha...i love that he can "make it so it's quick." whatta guy! hehehe!

  21. Oh girl, I want an office SOOOOO bad! As it stands, I have to do my writing in the corner of my dining room. Ugh. And I can't stand someone reading over my shoulder as I write, even if it IS my husband ... it seriously feels like someone is watching me poop or something. :)

  22. Oh that had a really sweet ending, all snuggled together.
    By the way, I know a family who lived in a haunted house. they had to end up selling it because some paranormal apperatus was scratching their daughter so badly she began to look like someone who got into a fight with a tiger. . . ALL THE TIME! It was terrible!

  23. Meh...husbands, who needs 'em...

    Oh wait...

  24. Oh my gosh, you're so funny!!! The all too familiar come hither voice while he paws at me...yeah, I know that voice! You crack me up!

  25. LOVE the last line! I will admit I am a paranoid freak, too!

  26. Hey, you paranoid freak! LOL... Who'd of thunk that would sound sooooo sexy?


    I think Pat might be on to something... might even get it down to 10-10:10 with Tom, 10:10-Midnight writing.

    Hope you got your groove back!

  27. Very sweet :)

    I'm glad he's home for you, too. As annoying as a hubbys can be life is alwyas better when they are home.

  28. Sigh, man pout is the WORST.

  29. Living with a grown man is always an adventure.

    I still haven't adjusted to all the ESPN in my house.

    Good luck on the novel.

  30. Mine is home during the days *blinks*, School starts in August right, Sept. at the latest (crosses fingers). I can't get anything done with him home and end up writing long into the night. Tired and exhausted the next day and he wonders why?

    Why do men have to be so much like little boys? (Hugs)Indigo

  31. Wow. Annoying pawing AND swearing that the video games cheat. It's like yours and mine are twins.

    Well written story, too? I think I'm your newest fan. :)

  32. still playing catch up.. my computer was sent to kentucky ....i guess that is where gateway is....anywho....totally get you on the whole getting pawed thing...try having your ass grabbed under the covers and then have him that the cat....ill slap his hand and not *that* hairy!!!


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