I knew I made a mistake as soon as I placed the magazine down. The cashier took one look at it and her face lit up. I braced myself, knowing what was about to come.
“ROB PATTINSON!” the twenty-something cashier shrieked as she scooped up the magazine. To be honest, I was worried that she was about to make out with it because she brought it close to her face and gave a long sigh. I make the same noise when I see Michael Phelps but when he’s on a magazine cover I don’t feel an urge to bring it inches from my face so I can see his pores.
“Isn’t he ADORABLE?” the cashier practically shouted as she scanned it. As soon as she did she brought it near her face again.
I pulled out my wallet and brought out some bills. “He’s...not my type,” I admitted and tried not to make a face. I seriously wonder if the whole world has gone mad. It seems like there is a Twilight epidemic going on and I’m the only one who hasn’t been claimed by it. Of course I enjoyed the series—I thought it was original—but when I finished, I didn’t cry that I was sorry that I was finished with the books like most people did. I easily moved on and started to read books about humans again.
I used to have people on my side—you know, the types that haven’t been seduced by Twilight--but they’re slowly dropping like flies. They’ll read the series and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they won’t turn into a Rob Pattinson Crazy—but then there they go, gushing about Rob, gushing about the series and I want to scream, “Noooo! Come BACK!” with my arms outstretched.
My best friend loves Twilight but thankfully she hasn’t gone and put a countdown to New Moon on every one of her web pages. She doesn’t talk my ear off about the books. She isn’t attracted to Rob Pattinson!
Of course it’s fine that people drool over Rob Pattinson. People like who they like. But I don’t need to hear about what he’s doing every second of the day. The cashier obviously was one of those types because she leaned towards me as though she had a deep secret.
“My friend got to see him at Comic-Con,” she whispered, her eyes darting all over the place as though this news were confidential. “She says he looks even better in person.” She looked at me expectantly. I think she was waiting for me to do the famous Girl Squeal that I only reserve for fancy desserts.
“That’s...nice,” I said, wanting to get on my way. She had obviously not heard me when I had mentioned that Rob wasn’t my type. Or maybe those words didn’t compute in her Rob obsessed mind.
“Kristen is a fool for not wanting to be with him,” the cashier said, flipping through my magazine. Um HELLO? Buy your own...
“Maybe Kristen prefers a man who actually washes his hair,” I said dryly. I had heard that Rob doesn’t wash his hair often.
The cashier looked up with a start as though I had insulted her. “That’s not true,” she said firmly. “He washes his hair. That’s not true! ”
Woah. Okay there. She was obviously a Scary Twilighter. There are some Twilighters that I can tolerate because they’re still sane. But people like the cashier? No thanks.
“I have to go now,” I said, reaching for my magazine.
The cashier reluctantly handed it over with my change and receipt.
“You take care of Rob,” she said.
“Well, Rob’ll be going into the trash when I’m done reading him,” I said cheerfully and I swear, you’d have thought that I had just called her Vinegar Tits from her horrified expression.
I headed to McDonalds after that because I had a craving for a Big Mac. When I pulled up to retrieve my order the worker handed me one of those drink carriers with a mini cup filled with those mocha things that they serve. This would be nice if I actually liked mocha.
“Oh, I don’t need the sample,” I said, trying to hand it back.
The worker looked stunned. “But it’s free,” she argued.
“I get that. But I don’t drink coffee,” I explained.
“But it’s free,” she said, blinking rapidly.
I did not want a cold Big Mac so I went, “Never mind,” and set the carrier down in the seat beside me. As I pulled away the little sample drink tipped over and mocha spilled all over the seat of my NEW CAR.
“Stupid MOCHA! This just proves that NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM ROB PATTINSON!” I screeched which made no sense but the magazine was on the floor of the passenger side and Rob’s face looked like he was gloating. That’s what you get for not liking me. Mwahahaha!
When I got home I decided that I had to do something to the magazine to show people that no, I did NOT like Rob so no, I did not want to start a lengthy conversation about him. This magazine is my reading material for the airplane on Saturday so if I came across a Scary Twilighter then I wouldn’t be able to get away. I cannot sit for two hours talking about a guy who can’t act.
So what I did is this:
This will hopefully show all those Twilighters out there not to speak to me about Rob.
I think I may also need to add, Does not LIKE! Does not want to DISCUSS! on the cover for good measure....