Friday, July 31, 2009

Texas Bound (Again)


I am not having a good day. For starters, my Twitter account was hacked into and Twitter locked it when they found out. However, they haven’t told me what I have to do to get it re-opened. I miss my Twitter. Also, on the front page of Yahoo there is apparently some cranky swimmer bashing Michael Phelps. Why is he bashing Michael Phelps? What did Michael Phelps ever do to him? Apparently he’s bitter because Michael Phelps beat him at the Olympic Games by a second or something and he claims that he’s the real winner. Why do men always have to win? My husband moans when he loses. He was playing Wii Sports and whenever he’d lose he’d scream that the game was cheating.

I also need to pack because our flight to Texas leaves tomorrow. I am not packed. I’m running around with clothes in my hands trying to decide if I really need to bring them. Do I need a fancy shirt? Suppose I go to a fancy place? I doubt I’ll go to a fancy place but what if I do? Do I really need two different pairs of flip flops? I think I do. I have a black pair that goes with certain outfits and a purple pair that goes with another. Do I really need to match? Does it matter? I don’t think people will gasp if my flip flops don’t match my shirt. Or WOULD they?

Do I need to bring jeans? It’s sweltering hot in Texas so when would I wear jeans? But suppose it gets chilly at night and I want to walk along the beach? Why would I walk along the beach? I’m allergic to exercise. But I might walk along the beach hand in hand with my husband because it’s the romantic thing to do. I want to be warm because it would kill the romance if my teeth were chattering beside him as he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Wait, why would my husband be whispering sweet nothings in my ear? I’ve confused him with someone who is romantic.

What outfits should I bring the kids? They have such cute outfits. The problem is, they have a lot of cute outfits so I never know exactly what to bring. I’ll bring Tommy’s patchwork shorts with the matching shirt and...oh...should I take the blue shirt that brings out the color of his eyes? What dress should I bring for Natalie? They’re all adorable. The red one? The blue one? The green one? The white one? The brown one? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

I need to bring my straightener. Otherwise I’ll be a giant puffball because my hair does not like beach air. Do I want my lotion that makes me smell like a rose?

I’m giving myself a headache.

I cannot pack.

I laid out some of my husband’s nice shirts so he can pick which ones he wanted to bring. He mainly wears shirts with sayings on them. Sayings like “Save the trees! Wipe your ass with an owl!” or “Only Chuck Norris Can Prevent Forrest Fires.” Chuck Norris is his hero. But he can’t wear a lot of those shirts around the beach house. It might give my poor dear Grandma a heart attack if profanity is emblazoned across my husband’s chest.

I bought Tom this lovely light blue shirt because he has light blue eyes and I knew he’d look handsome in it. Tom took one look at it and went,

“No way. Not wearing it.”


What’s wrong with the light blue shirt? What has the light blue shirt ever done to him?

“That’s what old people wear,” Tom grumbled. “Why do you want me to look like an old man?”

Excuse me? I know several young people who wear light blue.

Still, I didn’t have time to argue. So I showed him a white polo shirt I found.

“Are those PALM TREES on that?” Tom looked disgusted. Oh the HORROR! Palm trees! Dear God.

“Yes, Tom but you can barely see them,” I said through gritted teeth. My patience was wearing. Why can’t he be one of those men who wear whatever I lay out for him? Why does he have to have an OPINION?

“I don’t know...palm trees...” Tom mumbled, rubbing his chin.

“Tom, please. We don’t have time to argue. I need to get ORGANIZED!” I shrieked. I wanted to crumple to the ground and curl into a little ball and hire someone to pack for me.

“Fine. I’ll wear the palm tree shirt,” Tom said because he could see that I was close to losing it. He knew I was two seconds away from bursting into tears and yelling at him to do the packing because I was DONE!

I also need to find room for Tom’s nice shoes because we’re going to my Grandma’s church on Sunday before heading to the beach. I haven’t set foot in a church in….I can’t even remember when the last time I set foot in church. I believe in God, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never felt totally comfortable in a church. My butt starts to ache from sitting on the pews and then I start to wonder why pews can’t come with arm rests.

Oh no. I just realized that I need to shave. When can I shave? I suppose I’ll do it tonight. That way I’m nice and smooth for the flight and I can wear shorts without people pointing and laughing.

What shoes am I going to wear to church? Are flip flops allowed in a church? Didn’t Jesus wear sandals which are sort of like flip flops? So it should be okay. I don’t think I’ll have room for heels. Plus I can’t walk in heels properly. What if I go stumbling across the pews and land in front of pastor and he asks me how I feel about Jesus? The first thing that comes to my mind is, “I totally dig his robes,” which I don’t think is exactly what the congregation wants to hear.

Note to self: don’t take the Lord’s name in vain in church. If I stub my toe or lose my balance I need to say “Ooopsie” in a sweet 1950s wife sort of way.

I need to gather the entertainment for the children so they don’t scream down the plane. I have books, coloring books, crayons, toys, food….at least this time my husband will be traveling with me so if the kids get too loud all he has to do is give them a Look and they’ll fall silent again. Why don’t the kids quiet down when I give them a Look? I look quite frightening when I’m pissed but they just laugh at me and say that they can see my nose hairs because apparently my nostrils flare when I’m angry.

So...I better finish this packing business. When I write again I will be on Texas soil. My body is going to go through quite a shock because it’s only been the seventies over here and it’s in the 100s over there. I look so unattractive when I’m hot. I resemble a lobster with bad hair.

Good Lord I almost tripped over the suitcase and nearly slammed into the wall. I do not want to board the flight with a black eye.

Wait. I can’t say Good Lord. I’ll be going to church on Saturday.

So. Oopsie. I meant to say oopsie.


  1. Children on a plane! Have you gone mad!! Make sure there is a puke bag ready on the seat in front of you. The airlines have been cutting back lately ;oP

  2. So are you going to church on Saturday AND Sunday? and you answered one of your own questions-- do I need to bring a fancy shirt. Yes, because you're going to church. :)

    Have fun on Texan soil! :)

  3. You don't think they call it pews because it pews from so many people sitting on them? just a thought that shot through my head. I swear I don't know where it came from.

  4. I learned a long time ago to let my husband pack for himself. He's picky, and I just don't like it when he gets cranky with me. I'm sure God will forgive your little slip of the tongue! Have a great time!

  5. I to over pack. You have so many decisions to make. Have fun on your trip and thank you for your kind words at my blog

  6. How about saying Lawd have mercy instead??? hee hee...
    On Texas and heat and jeans..ummmm no. Even at night. We just got back from the beach in Florida and I packed waaaay too much. Should have just packed a suitcase load of hair clips, deoderant, and suntan lotion. Oh, yeah and a bathing suit. Only ended up wearing one or two shirts and pairs of shorts of the 20 I had packed. The kids too. Waaaay too many clothes. But what's a girl to do? I always play it safe and bring everything, plus the kitchen sink. Have an awesome time! (stash some chocolate in the suitcase too)

  7. Good luck with your packing. Why is is that we women have to pack for everyone including our husbands??? It's so stressful for us. I hope you have a good time!

  8. Thank the Suitcase Goddess that my husband packs for himself. BUT when he gives me a look when I take too long, I remind him he could pack for our almost 3 year old...and he shudders and leaves me alone.

    I have to say...that you wore me out. :)

    Have a good trip. Sans black eye, m'kay?

  9. From a Texas gal... bring the flatiron! And the straightening gel and the anti-frizz serum! oh, and EVERYONE here wear flip flops.

  10. just shove it all in and say buh bye!!
    Whatever you don't pack, and find that you need, you can do what I do (and I swear I don't intentionally forget things *wink*)--go buy a new one baby!

  11. Bless Your Heart and Have a Blast.

  12. Hmmm... bless you my child... you wear a robe with palm trees and sandels...

    ...surely Thomas has some SpongeBob shirts - I'm sure they wouldnt be obscene...

  13. Yeah, what's up with guys deciding WHAT they want to wear. Like, it's their choice or something. They sure are crazy these days.

    I got my husband drunk and handed him a nice shirt with some pink in it. He. Actually. Wore IT!

    Have fun in Texas!!!!

  14. Have fun! Too bad you're not going to see this until AFTER you packed, I was going to tell you to forget jeans or warm clothes for the beach. The Gulf will not get cool AT ALL for several more months. I'm pretty sure you can go jump in the water right now and it feel like a warm bath, lol!

  15. FYI. It's still hot as heck down here so pack light! And I wear flip flops everywhere (even church)!

  16. Texans dont dress up very much. Jeans are common in church.
    I'm with Kimberly- it's hotter than blazes here. You could pack a bathing suit and be good!
    Have fun while you're here!

  17. even made me a little nervous...have a safe trip! Try to stay cool!

  18. Well, now I need you to have twitter so I can hear how this is going for you!

  19. Pack your stuff and the kids, next time let him pick his own stuff out. If he ends up wearing the one pair of underwear all week, well, his fault.

  20. Have a safe trip! I'm at the stage where I let hubby and the lingering kid pack for themselves. If they forget anything--it's not my fault.

    P.S. It doesn't matter what YOU wear. Now who was it that said, men just want a beer and to see something naked...

  21. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forrest fires. Heh heh.

  22. Poor Michael! That journalist is just jealous. :0)

    Packing Stinks!

  23. Well, have a really good trip to Texas...and you know what my mom has the same point we are never bothered when she gives us a look or scolds us or whatever, but whenever my dad gives us a look I don't know why but we all just go quiet!! I think it's that moms are soft and kids know they don't do much...but dads, um they are all strong and manly, you know what I mean? :)
    Thanks for stopping by at my blog!

  24. A really amusing post, thank you.
    I do my packing and hubby does his, far less angst that way. I've actually just finished mine ready for vacation tomorrow.

  25. Texas? 100 degree weather? T shirts, shorts, flip flops, and one nice outfit for church. There. Was I helpful? I suppose not as you will be reading this after the fact. Oopsie.

    The Lord doesn't care what you wear as long as it's modest. I think He's fine with flip flops. ;o)

  26. My husband would have balked at the palm tree shirt too. Unless it's a tshirt, then it gets balked at. Heaven forbid that he wear something with a collar.

    Have a great time...and wear lots of sunscreen. You did pack sunscreen right?

  27. Children and a husband on a plane?? You are brave woman. You crack me up! Have a great time on your trip.

  28. I'm going on a trip tomorrow, too, and my laundry isn't even done. so from my POV, you're way ahead of the game.

    Also? My children also yell that the Wii cheats.

    Also? I think I want a 'wipe your ass with an owl' shirt...

  29. Oh goodness, I got tired just reading your post about the packing drama! I feel your pain sister, I go through this every time we travel, seeing as I'm such control freak and no one else in my house knows how or what to pack. If it were up to hubby he'd just throw a few pieces of boxers, a couple of shirts, and a pair of shirts into a backpack and claim he's done packing! Oi vay! Have fun on your trip!

  30. I hope you have a safe and wonderful trip! :)

  31. Good luck on that plane!! Just think of all you'll have to write about when you're done :)

  32. I hope you have a great time on your trip. I just walked in from a week at the beach. I've missed you all.

  33. They bitch about the clothes you buy them; but then they won't go buy their own.

  34. Ok...I am suddenly incredibly more thankful that my husband buys all his own clothes AND packs himself. LOL. :) Have a great trip.

  35. I always have to win, and I'm not a man. Maybe I should have been....

  36. I have to tell you, Micheal Phelps totally kicked that trash talking swimmer a$$;)

  37. You sound exactly like me when I pack for a trip! My hubby just throws maybe 2-3 shirts and 2 pair of pants and a pair of shorts and some underwear in his bag and he's considered packed. But me...I practically bring my entire closet. And the kids....I definitely overpack for them too.

    Have a great time....I just know the plane trip will make for interesting blog material!!

  38. Hope you are having a nice time in Texas! I get the worst anxiety getting ready for a trip.

  39. Love the rambliness (is that a word? who cares!) of this post. So relate!


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