Friday, July 17, 2009

Thanks For Nothing, Dave Hepburn..

I need to be more spontaneous, I thought the other day.

I was flipping through some of my magazines and my eyes rested on an article where a bunch of men discussed different ways their women excited them.

I zeroed in on this one:



That’s easy enough. I could do that. Some of the other things that men were saying was that they loved when their women made a big fancy meal.

That is not going to happen in this house.

I once followed this complicated chicken cordon bleu recipe because it’s one of Tom’s favorite meals and I nearly collapsed in tears by the end of it all. Plus, I nearly burned my arm.

Another man said that he loved when he and his woman tried out complicated sexual positions. I don’t bend like that no matter how hard Tom tries to make it so. I once shrieked at him, “I’m not a contortionist! If you want one of those, stalk a Cirque Du Soliel show!”

So yes. I figured that it would be best for me to just leap into Tom’s arms. Unexpectedly. He’s a pretty strong man so I thought this wouldn’t be a problem.

I was wrong.

First of all, when I started charging at him as he was coming out of the bedroom I ended up freaking him out. His eyes got all big when he saw me racing for his chest. I think he flash backed to high school when he played football and had to prevent tackles because he suddenly started crouching down with his arms out.

“Stand up straight!” I ordered and then pummeled into him. I tried to wrap my arms around his waist but it wasn’t working because Tom immediately backed up and we fell onto the bed. This would have been romantic but my hair was down because I wanted to resemble a virgin maiden, you know? My hair went right into Tom’s mouth and that prevented him from shouting.

He eventually pushed me off and leaped to his feet. He did not look like he was turned on. In fact, it looked like he was....mad?

“What the HELL was that?” he boomed, picking a strand of hair from his tongue.

“I was being romantic!” I replied, struggling to get my hair out of my face.

“How is attacking me romantic?” he demanded. “You know I have a bad back! Have you lost your mind?”

What? But it was supposed to be ROMANTIC! He was supposed to CATCH ME and twirl me around and we were supposed to laugh as though we didn’t have a care in the world.

“Dave Hepburn says that it’s romantic,” I pointed out, naming the guy who had penned the suggestion.

Tom tossed his hands in the air. “WHO IS DAVE HEPBURN?” His face had turned bright red and he reminded me of gigantic tomato.

I jumped off the bed and marched downstairs. “I’ll show you!”

“Is there a man hidden in our house?” Tom yelled.

Yup. I keep a spare in the cupboards.

“No, you moron! Dave Hepburn is the guy who suggested THIS!” I grabbed the article from the counter and shoved it in Tom’s face.

“I bet Dave Hepburn is like nineteen or something. He’s young enough to be PREPARED for a grown woman charging at him...” Tom said. But then he saw that Dave Hepburn was 32 and swallowed hard. “Well. This explains it. He lives in the Bahamas. Everyone is happy in the Bahamas which means they can expect the unexpected easier.”

Uh huh. I think he was just coming up with excuses because he was embarrassed that he couldn’t catch me.

Or, ohmiGod, maybe he couldn’t catch me because I was too fat? I know I had been pigging out while in Texas but I didn’t think I was THAT heavy.

“It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it!” I wailed.

Tom immediately looked afraid. He knows that it’s serious business when a woman starts moaning about her weight. “Of course not,” he assured me. “You just surprised me. You can’t just come charging at a man like that. You’re lucky I didn’t flip you over my head from shock.”

I puffed my lower lip out. “But Dave Hepburn said...”

“Dave Hepburn probably relaxes on beaches all day,” Tom cut in. Then he gazed down at the article again. “Well hey. Here’s one we can try. This guy says that he likes it when he and his girl try out complicated sexual positions...”

Nevermind. I tried. I think I give up.

51 comments:

  1. I know we all have our favourite bloggers but seriously, you are one of the only ones (maybe THE only one but shhhh) that makes me nearly wee myself laughing at every. single. post.

    Thanking you,

    xx

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  2. just for you i'm stalking the front door so when my hubs walks thru it i can run at him and be "romantic". i'll let you know how it goes (FWIW i'm 29 and he's 31 so this should be interesting)

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  3. The mental picture of this is hilarious...thanks for sharing your awkward romantic fail!

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  4. The picture this created in my mind was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

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  5. So funny! I hate those articles because I'm never brave enough to try out any of the suggestions. Good for you for giving it a shot!

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  6. Last time I tried running into someone's arms, he turned and ran the other way screaming...haven't seen him since....

    Great post:)

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  7. o.m.g. i just wee'd in my undies. and I am at work. Damn it.

    I absolutely LOVE coming here. It never ever fails. If people at work KNEW what I was doing... if they KNEW I was reading Whispering Writer... everytime I giggled or grinned or laughted right out loud at my computer monitor, their first assumption would be "whispering writer?"

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  8. Whatever happened to the old take a bubblebath with candles and meet the guy at the door without any clothes on thing?

    Of course you might want to consider having silky spongebob sheets too.

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  9. Hahahaha! So many great quotes from this post! Love the 'everyone is happy in the Bahamas' one!

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  10. laughed out loud. it is comical, the things we do for love.

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  11. Hilarious! I think a smack on the head is romatic too!

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  12. Damn Woman!
    You are running?? I only run when it rains.
    Love it. You coulda yelled: HERE I COME! or something. Just sayin.

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  13. Flippin' hilarious....damn that made me laugh.

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  14. Next time you should definitely try tackling him NAKED. That would ensure that, you know, he gets your point.

    Although if it were ME trying that, I would jiggle frighteningly on my way over and totally scare him off.

    Maybe that's not such a good idea after all. ;)

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  15. OMG girl...that was hilarious!

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  16. haha too much.. that's great!

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  17. LOL! This is hilarious! My attempts at romance go the same way--they're never like the magazines or books.

    Happy Saturday Sharefest!

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  18. That. Was. HILARIOUS!!! Haha.

    First off, that Dave guy isn't just happy, he is DRUNK! You don't just lounge on the beaches all day, you drink Rum while you are at it. Everyone knows when you are drunk, you feel less pain... and more 'romantic' but only romantic so you can get someone in the sac.

    Yup, forget all that 'romance' stuff. Just get your man drunk. That is what I do!

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  19. OMG what a giggle. Loved it so much I almost forgot I was past it......

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  20. OMG ... so many of your commenters have said the same thing but you truly outdo yourself every post! THanks for the smiles!

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  21. Hilarious! I had such a good laugh!

    Stopping by from SITs!

    Happy Saturday Sharefest!

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  22. Oh my gosh, I'm laughing way to hard....

    That was just too dog-gone funny.

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  23. Sharing the love....Happy Saturday Sharefest!

    Thanks for picking up my day....I needed that :O)

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  24. sitting here laughing out loud. thanks!

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  25. I wondered who the heck liked complicated sex positions!!! What the heck!! We are so over the weird sex positions at my house. Too much time. The kids will be a knocking before our fun is done if we would try out crazy stuff from before kids.

    I hear things are excellent again when they move out!! I have 6 more years until college for the youngest.

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  26. OMG I am dying laughing right now!!! Absolutely hilarious post!!!!

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  27. Ha! That's funny! I won't try that.

    Visiting from SITS. Happy Saturday Sharefest a day late!

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  28. TOO funny...especially your pouty lip and "But Dave Hepburn said..."

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  29. I love it! My hubby would pass out if he saw this 213 pound chubby ball of fun running at him...LOL! I just had a vision of a bowling ball rolling toward a pin...LOL! Thanks for the giggle!

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  30. lololol, oh goodness. I read that same thing and thought, "huh, I wonder how the hubs would like that?!" and then it occurred to me he'd react the same way yours did. Thanks for taking it for the team and trying though, lol.

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  31. Sometimes I think people write articles and things like that just knowing we are going to try it and make fools of ourselves. This was a riot!

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  32. oh my word!! that's hilarious!! i'm so glad you shared that because you just made my day!

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  33. OMG! You seriously keep me laughing. I love reading your blog!

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  34. That is GREAT!!! Just came by from mama-face's and you are hilarious!
    I love this!
    Macey

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  35. That was great... and could have been my husband!! I've tried jumping into my husbands arms and he just stood there and let me hang on his neck - with my feet on the ground... gee thanks!

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  36. OMG! That is beyond funny!

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  37. That is too funny! Thank God hubby didn't throw his back out! Try explaining that to the guys at work!

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  38. I finally got wise and set my cereal aside before reading this morning. At this point I EXPECT to snort through my nose when readding :)

    Happy Monday!

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  39. You had to know that the complicated sexual positions story was going to come back and bite you in the ass. That is exactly why I stopped subscribing to magazines like those. They gave my husband ideas...

    :)

    -Francesca

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  40. omgosh! I am laughing so hard. My boyfriend would have a similar reaction, I am sure.

    Visiting you from SITS...and I'm so glad I did!

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  41. Kudos to you for trying. No seriously cause I knew as soon as I saw that dumb shit that it would NEVER work at my house.

    Dave is a douche. And a dead man if all they catch him. "They" being all the men that got back injuries when their wives threw themselves at them unannounced.

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  42. Just so you know, I spit a mouthful of coffee when I read your description of how you rushed your husband---I laughed so hard I practically choked! Those "how-to" articles drive me nuts, yet I continue to read them. I think my husband would be happy just to have me awake for longer than 5 minutes after we turn off the lights!

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  43. I was laughing so hard that Mr. Peach Tart came running in to see if I was having some kind of demon possession or something and now I've got to go change my knickers.

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  44. omg.omg.omg...this has to be one of my favorite posts!!

    sigh..how I heart you.

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  45. Oh my gosh, this made me laugh out loud. I am talking LOUD. I love it!

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  46. LOVE this post! And luckily, my hubby is with Dave--he doesn't mind when I pounce-attack him; he also thinks it's romantic and cute. Good thing, cuz I'm not a contortionist or a gourmet cook either.

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