Monday, August 3, 2009

Do Not Set My Alarm Clock

The alarm went off at six in the morning on Saturday.

I'm ashamed to say that I cursed.

Oh, did I curse.

I went, "What the FRICK is going on?"

Only I didn't use the word frick. I used the real f-word that I only ever use when I'm upset. This is how people tend to know that I'm angry: when the profanity escapes my lips.

The reason why I was livid was because my plan was to wake up at 6:30 and be ready to go at 7. I can do this. I did it when I traveled alone with the kids to see Tom graduate for dog training school.

Apparently Tom didn't believe that I'd be ready to go. So he set the alarm for six.

"There is no way you'll be ready by seven if I had set it for six thirty," Tom told me matter-of-factly as he turned the alarm clock off.

"YES I WOULD HAVE! I DID IT LAST TIME!" I seriously believe I was speaking in caps at that point. I am not a morning person in the least. I wish I could wake up and smile and greet the world pleasantly but it's just not in my DNA. My own father doesn't wake up early and will emerge from his room around noon. I think I got it from him.

"There is no way you'll be ready by seven," Tom tried again. He was beginning to look a little nervous. He doesn't like it when I get that angry. Sometimes he likes to joke, "Ohhh, Amber's mad, she used the f-word..."

"I'M SLEEPING UNTIL SIX THIRTY!" I boomed and then placed my head back on the pillow, snapped the covers up around me and closed my eyes.

Tom got the message and left from the room. He did say in a sharp voice, "If you're not ready by seven, I'm leaving."

I gave him the finger as he left the room.


Not a pleasant person in the morning.

I am not proud of this fact.

Normally I'm quite cheerful and friendly. When I get adequate sleep, that is.

Tom came and got me at six thirty.

I cracked one eye open and groaned. Then I forced myself to get up, threw on my clothes, and went to go get the kids.

Tommy was already wide awake. The second I opened his door he shot out of bed, already clothed.

"Are we going on an airplane today? Are we going to see Nona and Papa? When are we going to the beach? Do we get to go in the beach right away or do we have to wait? Are we having McDonalds at the airport? Can I get a McGriddle? Or wait, do I want pancakes?" Tommy didn't seem to pause for a breath and I stared at him wondering if he really did come from my loins. How could he be so alert at six thirty in the morning?

When I got Natalie, she proved that she did indeed come from me. The second I got her up she closed her eyes again and covered her ears.

"Natalie. Time to get dressed," I said softly.

"NO!" she screeched, also talking in caps.

Yup. She's not a morning person either.

I managed to shove her limp muscles in her clothes. She reminded me of a rag doll. Then I carried her downstairs and placed her on the couch where she promptly stuck her thumb in her mouth and stared at us all as though we were imbeciles.

Guess what? We left at seven. Actually, it was six fifty eight but who's counting?

I gave Tom a knowing look as he backed the car from the driveway and he acted as though he didn't see it.

When we got to the Denver airport to check in Tom started grumbling about my suitcase.

"It's too heavy, what do you have in here, now we're going to be charged because it's so heavy!" he complained.

I ignored him.

By the way, it wasn't too heavy. I think we were 5 pounds under the limit.

Boo-yah, Tom. Boo-yah.

Of course then Tom snapped at me again as we went through security when I said I had to dump out Natalie's water.

"Why can't you PLAN?" he yelled.

"Um. The trash cans are right there up front. When we pass them I'll dump it out," I reminded him.

Tom is not a pleasant person to travel with. We could never do The Amazing Race together. We'd totally scream and fight and then the tabloids would say that we were in an unhealthy relationship. This is why I don't flinch when I see husbands and wives screeching at each other on The Amazing Race because I know Tom and I would be doing the same thing. He'd be all, "Pick up your feet, we need to GET THERE!" and I'd scream back that if he didn't shut up that I'd stick my shoe way up his ass.

After we got through security Tom took a deep breath and hugged me to him.

"Now I can relax," Tom said. "Sorry I was mean."

Well. See, we do apologize to one another. That's something, I guess.

We just had one final fight and this was when we were walking to our gate. Tom was moving way too quickly for me--I had on a heavy backpack filled with kid crap and yes, Tom had a heavy backpack too (with my books and laptop) plus his own bag--he was still able to move swiftly but I was lagging behind gasping for air. See, Tom is trained to carry heavy stuff. I am not. So he walks with pounds and pounds of crap on his back as though it's nothing.

"Come on," Tom urged, about five feet in front of me.

"I....can't..." I gasped. I felt like my tongue was hanging out of my mouth.

"Yes you can. You're going too slow," Tom said.

I frowned. "You know. Actually, traveling WITHOUT you was much more enjoyable," I said in an icy tone.

I saw Tom flinch briefly but he just picked up the pace.

Oops. That was mean. But, geez, he knows I don't move that fast. And why did he have to rush? We still had an hour left before our flight was set to depart.

Tom was sitting on some chairs with Natalie when I got there with Tommy. He was calmly flipping through one of my US Weeklys as I approached. Oh, and he was clearly ignoring me.

"Sorry," I said, flopping down beside him. "I didn't mean it."

He pretended to be interested in an article about Jessica Simpson.

"You just can't rush me," I explained as Natalie crawled in my lap.

"Mmm," is all Tom offered.

Oh fine. If he could ignore me, I could ignore him. So I pulled out a book and read it to Natalie.

Then about ten minutes later I felt a squeeze on my leg. Tom. See, with Tom, when he's pouting, you have to leave him alone for a little bit until he decides that he's finished being pissed. Then all is okay again.

I'm pleased to say that the kids were angels for the flight. Natalie was still miffed about her seatbelt but Tom just tossed her his famous stern look and she promptly quieted and allowed the seatbelt to snap around her.

I freaked out once because suddenly a loud noise filled the plane and I was sure we were all going to plummet to our deaths but Tom calmly said, "Those would be the flaps coming down."


But then I went, "Are you sure? It sounds as though we're...oh my God, we just did a MASSIVE drop," I said, gripping my armrests.

"Amber. We're landing," Tom said.

"But we're landing too fast! We're going to go on an island like the one on Lost and I'd probably be Claire because I don't know enough about forest life to be Kate. You can be Charlie even though you don't play in a band but you're more like Charlie than Jack and you can't be Sawyer because you're not a con-artist and never could be because you totally smirk when you lie. Maybe you could be Hurley only you're not fat and--" I rambled.

"Amber Stop! This is by far one of the weirdest things you've ever said to me," Tom said, holding up his hand. "Plus, we've landed. I give the pilot an A plus for landing."

Tom always grades the pilots on how they land. I didn't even notice that we had landed so the pilot does deserve an A plus.

Then we got off the plane and there was my Mom, waiting for us!

More to come tomorrow. I'll write all about going to church for the first time in years and making it to the beach.


  1. I'm not happy in the morning either. I love what you said about The Amazing Race. That would be a marriage breaker for us too.

  2. *giggles* not a morning person at all, are ya! :)

    I never watch the Amazing Race, so I'll take your word for it.

    I hope you have a fantastic time at the beach!!! Don't forget the sunscreen!!!

  3. Sooo not a morning person! Glad you had a safe flight! Have fun at the beach!

  4. My alarm went off at 6 this morning, and I might have said something similar. I'm not admitting it, but I might have.

  5. me-morning person
    husband-on time person
    husband-clean mouth person
    somehow it works!!!!!

  6. honestly... I'd be more afraid about the going back to church thing then flying. Don't get me wrong, I love God... church on the other hand....

  7. I'm with you. It's a rule at my house that if it's my day off, there is no way I'm getting up earlier than I would have to be at work. 7:59 a.m.? No. 8:00 a.m.? No. 8:01 a.m.? Sure, why not? But 8:30-9:00 a.m. would be way better. :) I'm not even going to get started on the dream I had the other night which involved an airplane that was being piloted by Chef Gordon Ramsey . . .

  8. There is an add for a free Trojan Ecstasy condom on this post. Excellent timing. Love this post. I've never traveled with Jon on an airplane with kids. The kids and I did just fine on our trek to Texas ALONE in March. Jon pouted when we left and met me at the airport dressed up and with cologne on. It tickled my heart.

  9. I am not a morning person, if Hubby were to try to set alarm earlier he & I would not make it through the day.

  10. Wait, Tom is graduating from dog training school? Is Tom also the name of your dog? Or is Tom about to school to learn to be a dog trainer? I'm confused.

  11. i am soo not a morning person either...i curse like a sailor if im woken up abbruptly!! have fun at the beach....

  12. So not a morning person either. I'm with you on the alarm...and if I tell you 6:30 (or whatever) it better not be one minute before that.

    I swear you are documenting things that happen in my life.

  13. You aren't a morning person but what I love the most is that you don't have a filter. If you're annoyed you just spill it!

  14. We talk in CAPS 'round here all the time!

  15. LOL! I half-expected the KIDS to be flipping off Tom by the end of the story! Separate flights sounds mandatory. "It's the Only Way to Fly!" LOL!

  16. I feel your pain b/c I am so not a morning person at all. Yet I like to wake up early because otherwise I feel like I have wasted my day. But I spend a good few hours grumbling and snapping at anyone who crosses my path! lolol

  17. glad it was a successful trip and you were able to make up.

  18. It must be the military background in our husbands. Jim can set the alarm, jump out of bed and be ready in 10 minutes or so. I'm not really a morning person, although I've never hit the snooze alarm. I do get up when the alarm goes off, when we need to set it, that is, but I don't like to talk a lot in the morning. Jim is pretty cheerful. So maybe I'm NOT a morning person! :)

  19. Glad we're not the only grouchy household when it comes to traveling! ah ha

  20. argh. my husband and i love the amazing race but it would be a nightmare for our marriage.

    he is a morning person and i'm not. very annoying. i'm at his parents' house this week and every morning it's like "wow, look who decided to finally join us!" it's not like i sleep in every day... this is my vacation and that's what night owls do when given the chance. gee!

  21. So, I just scared the dog to death, as I busted out laughing. You crack me up! And I am not a morning person either!

  22. You are to funny...I bet you are a mean drunk too! I'm staying with my parents and they dragged me to church too!Have a great trip!

  23. Awesome.

    And...I noticed your twitter account went all wonky too - WTF?

  24. LOL Amber, you're too funny. Glad you got there safely!

  25. and women. Do you suppose it's a cruel trick that we have to find a way to coexist in a household? I guess it keeps life interesting.

  26. I am an absolute brat when I am sleep deprived, or when someone wakes me up before my alarm should go off, even if it's by 5 minutes. I need those 5 minutes!

  27. Although I'm slightly jealous that you have a need for an alarm clock other than an early-awakening toddler (obviously not my genes), I would be seriously peeved if I woke up to that on a Saturday.

    My husband and I could never do the Amazing Race either. I have a feeling we'd look like Jon & Kate Plus One Go Bungee Jumping.

  28. I am not a morning person in any way either and the alarm clock trick sounds like something my husband would do to me too! Glad you had a safe flight.

  29. I love this post and I found myself nodding with you on every word and every paragraph. You are still the master of my alarm clock sweetie =)

  30. I am with you...I am a monster in the morning. I have tried and tried to overcome this, but to no avail. It doesn't help that Hubs is super cheery and tries to start conversations. How hard is it to understand that I. Don't. Want. To. Talk?

  31. Hilarious!

    I am so not a morning person, neither is my husband....and yet both our kids wake at the butt crack of dawn.

    Not cool.

  32. Yep, we'd get along. I despise mornings. Hubs? Loves them! Can't wait to hear more!

  33. I'm so glad you did not plummet to your death! I'm always hitting the alarm clock. Nobody better mess with my alarm! If I wake up 2 minutes early I go back to sleep until it goes off.

    I need all the sleep I can get!

    Question for you: Does your husband and family read your blog?

  34. Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!! I totally am the worst morning person EVER!!!!!!!! And that is so funny, I've always wanted to do the Amazing Race with my hubby but then I wonder how I would embarrass myself with all that anxiety!


Thanks for the comment!

Share This

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...