Thursday, September 24, 2009

I'd Love To, But I'm Sick

Tom is sick.

It sure is fun to be around a grown man who whines about not being able to breathe out of his nose.

It’s just a ball of laughs to hear “I’d love to, but I’m sick,” for every request I give him.

For example: I asked him to entertain Natalie while I made dinner.

“I’d love to, but I’m sick,” he replied while stretched out on the couch. Which is another thing: I never get to stretch out in the couch when I’m sick.

“Tom, give the cat some food,” I said.

“I’d love to, but I’m sick.”

I was close to smothering him with the couch pillow, let me tell you.

He’d also stretch out his words in this horrible whine. Like when we were eating dinner (which, by the way, he made a big show from getting up from the couch—he lifted his body up and made this loud moaning sound) he was all, “My throat hurttsssss so muchhhhhhh.”

At this point, I had enough. So I said, “I imagine your throat does hurt Tom. You know what also hurt? When I felt as though my stomach were about to rip apart and I pushed out a HUMAN BEING.”

This shut him up for a little bit.

Then he shuffled to the computer to play his game. He speaks to other plays via a headset and he sounded perfectly fine to me.

I was grateful when he announced he was going to bed around nine. Finally. Some peace and quiet. I went upstairs to say goodnight and his hands started to roam over my body.

“Excuse me? I thought you were sickkkkkk,” I said, slapping his hands off my breasts.

“I’m never too sick for sex,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

I can’t believe he didn’t even worry that he’d pass the germs onto me. If I’m sick, I don’t get to lounge on the couch. I still have kids to tend to. So I can’t afford to be sick.

So I looked at Tom and just said, “I’d love to, but I’m sick,” before rushing out of the room.

40 comments:

  1. Your husband must be hanging out with mine...those pervs.

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  2. Curtis is sick too - which also renders him "conveniently" unable to do certain things, but perfectly capable of other, more desirable activities.

    Ugh. :)

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  3. I have to say that my hubs really stepped up this week when I was sick. Of course I was quarantined for 10 days but hey, it still counts.

    Plus he bought me a book.

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  4. I've been reading your blog for a while now- you have a real talent for writing! :)

    Men are SUCH babies, my fiance is the same way when he's sick. He whines and whines and thinks I have to cater to his every need.. its pathetic! He will make everything seem 100x worse then it really is! Cant wait until the day we have kids and I can use the "I pushed a human being out of my body so shut the heck up" guilt trip ;)

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  5. My husband has been sick for the past 3 days, and he's been doing the same thing!!

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  6. My husband is so much the same way. Maybe every man is like that.

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  7. Oh lordie...yes, when I married, I knew I was taking on a manchild that would whine, cry and throw temper tantrums when sick and not getting their way!

    When it's my turn...I get..."You can get it, your fine" Bastards.

    :)

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  8. My ex husband would LIMP if he had a sore throat. No wonder I dumped his ass. (Did I say that out loud? My bad.)

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  9. Oh yeah. The boyfriend can't do *anything* when sick...but somehow musters the energy and stamina to make out a bit...lol.

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  10. Sick men are so annoying! And when Conrad gets sick, he also decides he's too weak to bathe or shave. So after a day or two, he's whiny, etc., plus I can't get within three feet of him without gagging. It's a bummer, before I got married I always imagined myseld tenderly pampering my betrothed when he got sick, and in reality - ICK! I run as far as I can in the other direction.

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  11. Don't know why, but I NEVER get sick. . . so when I do???? I nurse it for all it's worth!

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  12. Funny you told him. Hope he gets better soon and out of your hair.

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  13. Congratulations - you are married to a typical man.

    Now wash your hands.

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  14. All men are weenies when they're sick. I'm beginning to think it's in their DNA.

    Good comeback.

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  15. Oh man, when I get sick my husband does EVERYTHING for me, it's what his mom did for him so he does the same for me. Score!

    (Of course then he expects it from me when he's sick)

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  16. UGH they are all the same! The last time my husband was sick, he couldn't be bothered to do anything...but when I took the laptop away and told him to go to bed...good lord, the WHINING!

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  17. I love your posts! I laughed out loud, especially at the end, which made my husband ask what was so funny. To which I responded, oh nothing. He probably wouldn't understand the humor, but would sympathize with Tom.

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  18. I just love how when I'm sick life still functions normally and then my husband catches what I had and it's like the world ended!

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  19. I’d love to comment, but I’m sick.

    I suppose I could still download porn though....

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  20. Oh, jeez! He has a case of the man flu? Amazing! Men will still be wanting sex on their death beds!

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  21. You are an evil genius.

    I love you.

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  22. Did he really think you'd go for that?

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  23. I would get sick 1000 times if it meant Duke would never get sick. He is a miserable human being when he is sick.

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  24. Oh yeah, this one's the very definition of a one-way street. You get no time off for any illness or surgeries, and they get bed rest for a hangnail. Been there, done that!

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  25. yup. sounds like a typical man! i swear they all use the same lines!! lol...and you're right...i never got to lay on the couch when i was sick!!

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  26. Believe it or not, I'm one of the lucky girls that has a boyfriend who apologizes for getting sick!!! He called me and asked me if I could go by the store and bring him some things, and he told me he needed me to feel better. I hated that he was sick, but I loved being able to take care of him. He actually was surprised that I wasn't mad at him for being sick, said other people he had been with got mad at him, even his parents when he was young. He's such a sweetheart and is so good to help people in any way he can, it just breaks my heart to think that people don't appreciate him like they should. Yep, I'm a lucky girl to have him in my life, and I am not letting him get away!!

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  27. Bwahahahaaaa!!! That is a GREAT line! I'll have to try it on the hubs sometime when I'm too tired to deal with his friskiness! LOL!

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  28. My new secret weapon for man laziness? Pretend you have not slept...ever...make it up...last night I honestly didn't sleep all night but he would never know.

    So as soon as it was daylight I said to him...you need to take the day off work or I will kill myself or the children because I have been up all night. BANG kids were taken away and I got to sleep from 6am to 7.45 (heaven). Men...trust me their needs are priority no1 to them...

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  29. OMG he sounds SO MUCH like my husband - it drives me NUTS and I HATE when my husband is sick - he's a MUCH bigger baby than my kids are when they are sick! And when it comes to sex - you can hang it up - he is NEVER too sick for sex - but when he's sick - I'm like you - I don't give in - HA! The last thing I need is to be sick and having sex with a sick husband isn't my idea of fun at all! LOL

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  30. LMAO! they never are too sick for that! :) Its funny but my husband doesn't get sick very much but when he does he just passes out most of the time.

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  31. It's the "man cold" ......

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLHWmjA5IE


    I think the video sums it up perfectly.

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  32. No one is EVER sicker than a man...

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  33. This was HILARIOUS! I found you through Susan Mills' site a.k.a Lazy Writer :) Your daughter is beautiful, btw!

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  34. lol, I love your comeback at the end!

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  35. Oh I freakin' hate the double standard! They totally expect to be babied and spoiled when they're sick, but the minute we're sick there's no effing sympathy, is there?!

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