Tuesday, September 29, 2009

No Penguin Bathroom

Yesterday Tom didn’t have to go into work until one since he had to pick a co-worker up from the airport and didn’t get in until midnight the night before.

I was going to use this to my advantage. I planned on leaving Natalie with him and shopping at Target in peace.

But no. Natalie saw me grabbing my purse and she was immediately on high alert.

“Shopping Mommy? We go shopping?” She rushed and started trying to put her shoes on. This was not going well. She’d attempt to shove her foot in and nothing would happen. The shoe would just dangle on her toes.

“Actually,” I said kindly. “Mommy was planning on going alone.”

Tom looked startled from the couch. “What?” He appeared to have forgotten our conversation that we had a few minutes prior where I had said I’d be going to the store. By myself. Sometimes I wonder if he hears me at all. If I’m not talking about sex, boobs, or food, my comments tend to go right over his head.

“I’m going to Target and you’re staying with Natalie,” I reminded him.

Tom blinked. This does not compute. The words might have well been scrolling over his forehead.

“I go shopping, Mommy?” Natalie asked sweetly. “And Daddy come too?” She fluttered her eyelashes towards a still baffled Tom. He clearly had no idea what was going on. One minute he was lounging on the couch picking his toe cheese (ew!) and the next he’s being coerced into going shopping.

“I’ll come,” Tom grumbled because it’s hard for him to say no to Natalie. I mean, he can do it, don’t get me wrong, but then five minutes later he’s apologizing and saying, “Daddy doesn’t mean to get upset. But you need to listen.”

So I didn’t get to shop alone. But that’s okay. Sort of. The thing is, Tom doesn’t understand how to shop Target. He doesn’t get that I look in every section because you never know when you’ll stumble on those beautiful 75% off signs. So when we first walked in the store, Tom started heading down towards the electronics section.

“Woah there,” I said lightly, pulling on the cart. “Where are you going?” Doesn’t he know that I always start off in the clothes section and work my way around?

“I’m going to the only section I like in the store,” Tom replied.

“Okay. Well. I’ll meet you there,” I said and started to walk off.

“Mommy!” Natalie called out, arms outstretched.

I turned. “I’ll meet up with you later,” I promised.

“Mommy! I come!” Natalie begged. She puffed her lip out.

Oh for—so much for shopping in peace. I took the cart and started doing my rounds. Tom found me standing in front of a Tide display with a wide grin on my face a few minutes later.

“What are you doing? I was waiting forever and I decided to see what happened to you,” Tom said.

Waiting forever? It was more like five minutes! Tops. But then again, five minutes in a store to Tom probably feels like five hours.

“The Tide is on sale for $10.99 and I have a dollar coupon off!” I said in a giddy tone as I dug through my purse for the coupon.

“And…this excites you?” Tom’s brows were furrowed as though he were in deep thought.

“It does! This means I get Tide for $9.99! That’s a good price,” I felt the need to add because Tom seriously looked confused. He doesn’t comprehend how to use coupons. When he does go out, I always try to get him to use the coupons and he’s all, “I don’t know how.” What does that even MEAN? What does he mean he “doesn’t know how?” You just hand the coupons over to the cashier. It’s as simple as that.

I managed to find the dollar off coupon and held it over my head like a trophy.

“Found it!” I said and this old lady who walked past us winked and said, “Good for you, dear.”

“See? Someone else who knows the beauty of coupons. Now. Let’s do a little test, Tom. There are various amounts of Tide on sale for $10.99. Which one should I get?” I said.

Tom appeared to be a little frightened. He stared at the display of Tides for a few seconds and went, “Well. This one smells like lavender. You like things that smell, right?” He went to reach for it.

“WRONG!” I said cheerfully. “If you notice that the lavender one is only good for 40 loads. But this Clean Breeze scented one is good for 64 loads.” I tapped the bottle to show him.

Tom was agog. “Does it really matter?”

Thank goodness he isn’t in charge of the shopping. We’d be totally broke. He’d just throw the first thing he saw into the cart.

“Can we go now?” Tom asked with a sigh. Obviously my Tide lesson wasn’t enlightening in the least.

“Go? No. I still have the other half of the store to go through,” I said and started walking off.

Tom groaned as he caught up to me. “Why? Why are you going down the bathroom aisle? We don’t need anything—wait. Oh my Gosh, look! We can decorate our bathroom in penguins!” Sadly, he wasn’t even joking. Tom pulled a penguin shaped trash can from the shelf and hugged it to his chest. The penguin even had a pair of sunglasses on.

“Um. No Tom,” I said gently and tried to take it from his hands.

“No?” He looked genuinely shocked and shifted away so I couldn’t take his treasure.

“We’re not children anymore. I don’t want to decorate our bathroom in penguins. I like the way it looks now,” I explained as though I were speaking to my son when he’s begging for a toy.

“Our bathroom is boring,” Tom fumed.

It’s decorated in blue and white by the way. And okay, that probably sounds a little boring but up until the penguin, Tom wasn’t complaining.

“Tom. That penguin will creep me out when I go to the bathroom at night. I’ll feel like something is staring at me,” I attempted to try another tactic. And I wasn’t lying. I startle easily and I probably WOULD jump when I shuffled into the bathroom at night. My bladder isn’t what it used to be thanks to my two kids who used it as a punching bag so I’m usually up at least once per night to use the bathroom.

“I’ll turn the penguin around before I go to bed,” Tom said graciously.

I rubbed my temples. He was starting to give me a headache. “Tom. Please. We’re adults. I’d like my bathroom to convey this. If we decorated in penguins, I’d feel like I was walking into Toys R Us.”

“But look at this awesome penguin soap dispenser!” Tom said, pointing it out.

“It’s nice. Really. But no,” I said and pried the penguin trash from Tom’s hands.

“The kids get a duck bathroom,” Tom muttered.

“Yes. Because they’re CHILDREN,” I answered.

Honestly. Sometimes I feel like I have three kids, not two.


  1. LOL! you crack me up!! Reading the words

    "When he does go out, I always try to get him to use the coupons and he’s all, “I don’t know how.” What does that even MEAN? What does he mean he “doesn’t know how?”

    just makes me laugh!! and its so true, my husband doesn't really know how to use them either, I think men just have a block with that kind of stuff:) I don't know why, for some reason I wasn't a follower before, but I am now!

  2. Coupons: just one more way to tell whether you're male or female... Forget the y-chromosome thing. This is much simpler.

    And my young friend, sometimes you feel like you have three kids, because you do. And it does not improve. Sorry! But they're cute when they pout like that, aren't they?

  3. Good for you, my friend... for putting your foot down about the penquin. You forgot to mention to Tom that you would've thought the penquin was an alien in the middle of the night!

  4. You never said what it was you went to the store to buy. Did you find it?

  5. Maybe there's some type of Target Basic Training he can attend?

  6. Do not bad mouth the penguin!!

    And yes, husband's just don't get the Target circuit. Sigh....

  7. I've been reading your blog (and laughing) for a while now. When I read about the penguins, all I could think of was the "Beware the penguins!" Bud Ice commercials....

  8. Girl, you are speaking my language! SO FUNNY!

  9. I get it for sure...I have three kids in stead of two and the oldest is way messier and harder to deal with!

  10. Just today I found you out and I loved what I saw.
    You have a lovely blog:)
    Have a great time:)

  11. Typical man!

    5 minutes feels like 5 hours to my husband, too.

    I hate being rushed while I'm shopping, but it's usually Corbin who dictates when we leave the store, at least right now, because he yelps so freakin' loud when he's had enough. Another typical male in the making right there I tell ya!

  12. Oh, but perhaps the penguin soap dispenser would have. . . well would have. . . could have. . .well, I don't know!

  13. tell me about it! We;d be BROKE (R) if I let my husband do shopping...SO doesn't get it.

  14. I can't believe he got so excited about the penguins! From toe cheese to penguins.

  15. Okay, I almost am tempted to side with Tom on this one. You know, I have a thing for penguins. But still, I would not decorate my bathroom with them. So, I'm still on your side. Although, I will have to take a stroll down the bathroom aisle next time I'm at Target.

  16. Seriously, next time you should just sneak out the back door. Men are HORRIBLE shopping mates - worse than 2 year olds. You totally could have distracted Natalie away from the penguin, but men are evil - they can smell when you are trying to trick them. Bastards.

    Who doesn't know how to use a coupon?! Oh, right - our husbands. This is why I get a flu shot every year - horror stories of men shopping ALONE.

  17. Alas, maybe the only time for you to shop is when the kids are in bed and Tom is home playing video games or watching Family Guy or something. Then you can shop in peace, don't have to explain coupons, or which is the better sale, and just spend your time browsing down all the aisles. Aahhh......

  18. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to tell you before you got married....its actually an adoption ceremony :)

  19. I love to shop by myself. My kids are 10 and 13 now, but my 10 year old wants everything she sees and it takes so long to shop with her. I think I have three kids, too!

  20. We do a fair bit of discount shopping and I think I'm pretty reasonable. The only time I really kick up is when we go out of our way to get to a flashy mall or shopping centre, then gravitate back towards the Target.

  21. Oh man, I get suckered into bringing everyone to Target with me too! All the time!

    They just don't get it.

  22. ughhhh i'm still stuck on the toe cheese....

  23. Luckily my husband does the Walmart run a lot of times (Target is farther)

    But I so get the, "you want me to watch the kids" Grr...yeah you are their father.

  24. My Hub goes to Target with no issue...and SO FAR our 2 year old is pretty good in there...this will all change I am sure. LOL.

  25. Oh sweetie are you just figuring this out? Hubbies ARE children all dressed up in man clothes! My mama always told me,"all men are just boys, their toys are just more expensive." I soon discovered that Mama was one smart cookie. Hubby just loves to buy things with VIN numbers.

    Great post, ya had this chick rollin' out of her chair. Thanks for droppin' in and leaving your sweet comment. Ya'll have yourself a very blessed day and put Hubby in time out 'till he learns that No means No!!!

  26. You're such a mean mommy. All he wanted was a wittle penguin :)

  27. Definition of man shopping.

    Man goes in.
    Man sees what he wants.
    Man buys it.
    Man leaves.

    When I go shopping with my other half, I get dragged round all different shops, and I can guarantee you, the shop we end up buying the thing she wants will be in the very first shop we look in, so I have no idea what all the other 3 million shops were about.

    Please show us pity.


  28. Men and women should never shop together.

  29. I'm like you. Just say no to penguin.

  30. Okay, I'm with you on everything here until the penguin. I love the kitschy crap at Target. We have a monkey tissue box and it rocks. Fun bathrooms make the dirty jobs easier I say.

  31. Sounds like you shop Target the way I do, and I'd prefer to be alone too. Nobody in the fam understands why I have to look in "every" section. Can't we just got to toys and be done with it? lol

    Checking in from sits and I'm following on google friend connect. :)

  32. Penguins? Wow. That would be cool - but I am glad you didn't find any Turbo Dog or (horrors, SpongeBob) stuff... He might not of gave up on that.

  33. The husband absolutely refuses to shop with me at Target for this very reason. I have to check out THE ENTIRE STORE, just to be on the safe side.

    It drives him bonkers.

    I've also been forbidden from shopping at Target more than 2x a month because I've been known to blow an entire paycheck there. It's an addiction really.

  34. “I’ll turn the penguin around before I go to bed,”... i'm laughin sooo hard over this right now! you guys are too funny.. though this sorta reminds me of the time that doug wanted FROG stuff for our bathroom... seriously, are ya kidding me!?!

  35. Penguin soap dispenser? Laughing my ass off! Your husband is a hoot.

    You guys have the funniest conversations ever.

  36. OMG - that is a RIOT! His comment of "well the kids get a duck bathroom" reminds me of the quote by Nicholas Cage in the movie - The Family Man - when he points at Annie's shoes and said - "well she got Mary Janes - where's MY Mary Janes" (her Mary Janes cost $20 he wanted a $4,000 new suit!) LOL

  37. I go down every aisle at Target too and I make sure to hit the "known" clearance areas cause you just never know what you'll find.

    While I was sick my hubs went to the grocery store and managed to spend $38 on 4 cans of soup, oj and some yogurt. I still cannot figure out where he spent $38 but he did.

  38. I'm telling you . . . Some boys are stuck in perpetual childhood . . . I call it Peter Pan Syndrome.

  39. Does the red make Natalie act crazy? I've heard that theory from some moms... Maybe Tom has some symptoms and the penguins convey peace to him?

  40. all you had to say was husband and kids going to target with you and i was beside myself - you would think i would be quicker there WITHOUT the kids but i actually take twice as long b/c i can look without anyone NAGGING AT ME!

  41. Shopping trips are always a fiasco once kids (and husbands) come into the picture! Sometimes I miss when life was more simple lol

  42. Aww this bums me out. I have my whole bathroom done up in that very penguin scheme. Well except the shower curtain, since we don't need one in this house. But it's folded up and chillin' in the closet.

  43. just makes me laugh!! and its so true, my husband doesn't really know how to use them either, I think men just have a block with that kind of stuff:) I don't know why, for some reason I wasn't a follower before, but I am Domain registration india

  44. This was perfection. The other day I swear I had my own private celebration when my husband finally let me throw away this hideous coca cola tin he's had since he was 9. Small victory but it brought me great joy.

  45. I can SO relate to this! You shop at Target like I shop at Target--looking for the clearance signs, same pattern every time. I mean, if I start off in the cosmetics instead of the women's clothing, it totally throws me off my game.

  46. Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard at this! Guys are so clueless sometimes!


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