Over the weekend, we were dumped with snow.
Most people would stay indoors.
But not us.
No. Tom was all, “Do you want to go to Target? I need to get new headphones since you vacuumed up my other ones.”
Okay, first of all, I didn’t vacuum up his headphones. Just the cord. And it wasn’t totally MY fault. If he had picked up his cord instead of leaving it on the floor, then I wouldn’t have sucked it up now would I?
“Tom. It’s icy outside. I don’t think it’s safe,” I reminded him, peering out the window.
“You forget that we have the power of...FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!” Tom boomed, punching the air as he shouted the words FOUR WHEEL DRIVE.
He startled me, actually. You don’t start speaking normally and then suddenly shout. It’s just poor taste.
“I mean...I guess,” I agreed.
So we all trooped out to the truck. I slipped as I stepped up on the foot rail to get into my seat. There was some ice there so I went face first into the seat. And it’s leather so it smacked me in the forehead.
“Stupid truck,” I muttered as I settled down.
Tom’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Excuse me?” He’s seriously in love with his truck. Sometimes I want to say, “Why don’t I just leave the two of you alone?”
There was a small mound of snow at the edge of our driveway. I wasn’t sure if we’d even be able to get out.
“That looks rather high,” I commented.
“Ahhh. To other cars, it would be too high. But not when you have FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!” Tom yelled, gripping the wheel excitedly.
I jumped again and massaged my ear. “Could you not scream like that?”
We burst right through the snow. We didn’t even skid once.
When we got to Target I started doing my normal Target rounds. For those who don’t know, this means I look everywhere because you never know where you’ll find things for 75% off. Tom found me wandering the towel area.
“I’m confused. Why are we here?”
He always asks me why I’m in a certain section even though I’ve told him a billion times that when I’m in Target, I have to look everywhere.
“Some of the college stuff is 75% off. Look at this comforter! Only nine bucks! Too bad that it’s twin sized,” I mused.
Tom made a face. “We don’t need any comforters. Even if they are 75% off. We have a perfectly good comforter.”
I patted his head lovingly. Poor deranged Tom.
He started to get impatient when I went down another aisle. “Amber. I’m ready to go home. I found what I needed. I had to shovel snow for nearly an hour and I’m tired and cranky and I just want to go home! ”
Target buzz kill.
I told him I’d give up looking down the kitchenware aisles even though it pained me to do so. One time I found a new saucepan for only eight dollars! And it was the Cephalon expensive kind too. But does Tom appreciate that? No, he doesn’t.
On the drive home some of the roads looked a little frightening.
“Be careful,” I warned Tom.
“Don’t worry,” he said seriously. “We won’t skid. Because we have the power of FOUR WHEEL DRIVE! Hey. Why are you covering your ears?”
“So I won’t go deaf,” I answered.
Oh, and one more thing. Tom wants me to remind everyone that you must make sure all the snow is removed from your back window and your license plate before you drive. Tom says that if he were a state trooper that he’d pull over all those people with the covered plates. Apparently he counted over ten people who had their license plate covered with snow and this bothered him.
“I’d pull you over. And I’ll pull you over. Oh, and I’ll pull you over too,” Tom pointed to cars as we drove along. “How hard is it for people to take care of their vehicles? How hard is it for people to care about other people’s safety?”
I think Tom has been married to me too long. He was starting a passionate speech. The same ones that I make when I’m trying to explain why I bought a dozen donuts AND Little Debbie snack cakes or where the bag of Gymboree clothes came from.
As we were nearly home, there was another mound of snow blocking our way. I could see Tom gearing up, prepared to say the words.
“I know, Tom, I know,” I said, cutting him off. “We’ll be okay. Because we have,” and I raised my voice at this, “FOUR WHEEL DRIVE!”