Friday, October 16, 2009

The Taped Door

The doorbell rang and a guy from housing maintenance stood on the other side of it.

“I’m here to replace your door,” he informed me.

He was here to replace this one:



As you may recall, we also have another broken door:



This one happened on purpose when I tried to be Jet Li and break open the knob when I couldn’t unlock it.

As you can see, that didn’t work out so well. The door wound up with a crack and I ended up with a throbbing foot and a bruise.

I had showed the housing maintenance worker that door when they had first dropped by a week before to see exactly what needed to be replaced. I didn’t bother to lie in explaining the crack.

“Yeah so my daughter had locked the door and I couldn’t get it open so I decided to use my karate moves to get it open. But it turns out I have no karate moves so…” and then I trailed off and tried to look sweet and innocent.

The worker had raised an eyebrow and was all, “KARATE moves?” in a shocked tone. Then he had scratched the side of his head as though he wasn’t quite sure what to say next. I suppose I may have been the first occupant in base housing who tried to kick a door in. “You know you’re going to have to pay for this?” he said. “Karate moves or not.” A smile was playing on the corner of his lips.

I nodded knowingly. “Right. I figured. I just wanted to report it.”

Then I had showed the guy the other broken door.

I swear, I had nothing to do with this one.

The kids were playing and I all of a sudden heard a thump. Then Natalie walked out with this piece:



She told me quite seriously, “Door broken.”

“Did you try and karate chop this one too?” the worker asked warily when I had showed him the hole.

I shook my head. “No sir!”

He peered at the door piece that I had handed over. “Is that…tape on the end? Did you try to tape it back on the door?”

My cheeks felt warm. “Well. I might have.”



I didn’t know what else to do! Tape was the first thing that came to mind! As it is, the tape did nothing and the piece just came right off again.

“Tape?” the worker repeated as though he couldn’t believe it. He was probably thinking, “Okay, first she karate kicks a door and then she tries to tape a piece back on. She’s clearly a nutter.”

I am NOT a nutter. I just…well, sometimes my imagination gets the better of me and I start to believe that I CAN be a karate master if I just put my mind to it. Or that tape will surely hold a piece together.

Thank goodness it was a different worker who came to replace the door. (And he only came to replace the door with the hole. They can’t replace the one upstairs because they were worried about damaging our stuff when they removed it.)

Of course when the worker came inside, Tom was emerging from the bathroom. He had been able to come home from lunch and as he walked out he didn’t see the worker. So he said (loudly), “Wow, that was my third crap of the day. I can’t believe it.” Then he noticed me standing there with the guy beside me who had a bewildered look on his face.

“Er Tom?” I said in an embarrassed squeak. “The guy from housing maintenance is here to replace the door.” I gestured towards the worker who had pinched in cheeks like he was trying hard not to laugh.

Tom coughed and went, “Oh. Hi there,” and quickly scurried into the kitchen. I imagine he was appalled.

I mean, I was appalled. I put myself in the worker’s position: suppose I had walked into a home and the owner had been discussing his number twos? This is why I’ve told Tom time and time again that I could care less about what goes on in the bathroom. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend this. Maybe now he will.

"So, um, I'll show you the broken door," I said, trying to pretend like Tom had never spoken at all.

The guy frowned when he saw the hole. "What happened here? And is that tape on the end of that piece?"

Okay, is it SO shocking that I tried to tape it back?

Note to self: never use tape to fix a piece of the door.

61 comments:

  1. hahaha..shocking? No. Clever and McGyver like? For sure.

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  2. Always a barrel of laughs at your house, isn't it?

    And, what is it with men talking about their BMs?

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  3. This is hysterical! This gave me a great laugh! Thanks for that. I needed it today.

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  4. ((((shocked and appalled))) TAPE DIDNT WORK???? Tape works for everything!!! and what tape won't fix...the stapler will...or crazy glue. yes I have stapled my loose hem on my pants, yes I have stapled my wraparound blouse closed cuz not everyone enjoys my non-existent cleavage, and yes, I have used crazy glue to fix my broken fingernail. don't judge...LOL!!

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  5. Kids + doors= bad things. And you needed the old gray duct tape. It holds cars together, it would hold a door. If that didn't work, then you have superhuman kids & I'd start marketing that to some networks.

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  6. DUCT TAPE! Oh, wonderful, wonderful duct tape. Seriously, it will fix anything... especially mouthy husbands!

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  7. Ellie has it right. Duct Tape. Men know and understand duct tape. If you had used it instead of what was that? masking tape? He would have either a) assumed your husband had tried to repair it or b) congratulated you on your genius and ingenuity.

    Duct tape, baby. Get thee some, hence!

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  8. Not only does Jim share *his* craptastic bathroom adventures with me, he likes to remind me about HIS DAD'S daily BM habits just so I know that he comes by it honestly!

    TMI

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  9. Thanks for the laugh! And yes--duct tape--now available in decorator colors :)

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  10. Dude, I use duct tape to fix everything. My daughter's dresser is pretty much just one big wad of tape at this point.

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  11. Oh my gosh, I'm laughing so hard. Tape on a door...I never thought of it...but I've never tried to kick in a door, either!

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  12. That so serves Tom right!!! LOL That was PERFECT!!!

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  13. The next logical thought in that progression would be to try bubblegum. I wonder what they'd have said to THAT!??

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  14. Duct tape would've worked better! Save the Scotch tape for Tom's mouth... he'd probably be able to breathe through that. ;)

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  15. Credit to you for the do-it-yourself job. And enough said about Tom's jobs!

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  16. My friend tapes everything. She has every color of duct tape imaginable. She's even used it to hide a hole in a black shirt. I think it's industrious. Good for you!

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  17. Thanks for the good laugh!
    Thank you also for passing by my blog.
    I'm following.
    Have a great weekend!
    xx

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  18. I bet they wouldn't be so shocked if it had been duct tape ;-)

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  19. I also agree with the duct tape suggestion. And Tom? Ew. Seriously.

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  20. I'm about dying from laughter here! Awesome, awesome story!

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  21. Oh man, the part about your hubby made me laugh and laugh!

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

    Cxx

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  22. Thank you so much for this blog! I am so happy I found it because I am always laughing when I read it!
    Don't be too embarrassed by your husband's comment in front of the H.M. worker - he probably does the same thing too - Lord knows my husband does.

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  23. I woulda looked at you funny for a taped door too!

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  24. It's definitely a male thing to state the obvious isn't it? I don't get the need to advertise what someone is doing in the bathroom either. And I so would have tried tape, if all else failed I would of gone to glue. (Hugs)Indigo

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  25. *snicker* karate moves

    See, I would have used duct tape. BAHAHAHAHA And my husband would so be caught saying something like that. Men are pigs (I say with love)!

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  26. I prefer hot glue in instances like this.

    Hilarious!

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  27. THANK YOU for that much needed laugh today. I'll have to remember not to use tape to fix a door. Tape IS good, however, for holding together a shower curtain rod...I'm just sayin'.

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  28. Duct tape! I have duct tape holding my dishwasher door closed! The DH has been "getting to it" for the past month!

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  29. Oh that was a good laugh! Thanks!

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  30. Oh funny! I would bet you were more embarrassed about your husband discussing his number twos that he was!! Guys...
    ***Ally

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  31. Men are never embarrassed by their bathroom adventures. They are proud of them. My kids are the same way. They'd take pictures of their poo if I would let them.

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  32. LOL at Tom! Everyday is an adventure with him, isn't it?

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  33. Oh my gosh!!! I am going to be laughing about this post all day long!!! LOVED IT!!!

    Guys like to share bathroom details. Weird, I know!

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  34. This entire post is just full of hilarity. The poop thing? COULD TOTALLY see my husband doing that. Why do they think we CARE??

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  35. That door merits at least a big paper clip or maybe a couple staples.

    Did ... umm.. how so I put this... Did Tom "pass wind" and blow the door out?

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  36. So funny! I can totally relate. One day I was putting away clothes in my son's closet and he shut the door. It's an old house and one of those wood doors with a tricky latch thing not a knob. He couldn't open it and the prosepect of spending hours in there while waiting for hubby to come home was unthinkable so I had to kick the door down from the inside. Luckily it worked and was fixable. :)

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  37. I once used a sharpie as a hammer.

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  38. Jet Li... ha ha ha

    btw, I LOVE duct tape! (ask my kids)

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  39. oh tom, hahaha!!!
    lady, i would've done the same thing and tried to tape the door back together....at least until the door could be fixed ;)

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  40. Except the maintenance worker probably worships at the shrine of the porcelain goddess, as most men do, so he probably wasn't perturbed in the least. The question remains: Is Tom a newspaper reader? Mr. Fairway sure is...

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  41. Tom seems to have active bowel syndrome.

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  42. Was it DUCT TAPE? You know there's 101 uses for it, right? Maybe you just didn't use the RIGHT tape.

    And I agree. What's with Tom and his bragging rights about his crapola's? Who give a, well, a shit, actually?

    I hope it didn't smell when the door fixer upper walked by the bathroom. :)

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  43. I totally would have tried to tape it;)

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  44. Ah, thank you for the laugh, I needed it. Doors are funny :)

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  45. I use tape for everything... and if tape doesn't work, I glue it. Lots and lots of glue. And finger crossing.

    What's up with men and their talk about their poop? I think ALL men do it!

    -Jen

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  46. tom never ceases to amaze me. and neither do your karate chop moves.

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  47. This is hilarious! I especially love the part where Tom walks in...bwahhhahahaha! Maybe he's learned his lesson? And the tape? Totally something that I would do. Maybe I would have used duct tape though. Ghetto looking or not, it just may have held the door together.

    BTW, I read that you love the movie Anne of Green Gables...I'm in love with the Anne books and the movie! I wanted to BE Anne when I was little.

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  48. Your a better person than I. Aren't you moving soon? I would have left the damage behind to be billed. Or...

    Fill in the holes with toothpaste!! This always worked in college.

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  49. Heehee...Love it!!

    I tried to fix my dad's favourite ornament with chewing gum once. I was practising my ballet moves and one leap and the thing was in 3 piece. First thing I thought of was gum.

    I was 10, okay!!!

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  50. Hilarious! It could have been worse. Tom could have come out of the bathroom naked. As I was reading along, that is what I thought would happen :-)

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  51. This is a funny story. and I totally would have used tape! Maybe duct tape. And as far as your hubby...mine is the same way. Everyone within earshot knows exactly what happens during his potty breaks. Ugh.

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  52. I use tape for almost everything! It does stick... how long it sticks, well that's a different story.

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  53. yep.. if all i had were tape... don't worry i soo woulda tried it too!

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  54. OMG too funny - the tape AND TOM! HA! Poor you! :O)

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  55. I think it is quite ingenious of you to attempt to tape the door. That man just had no appreciation for creative genius...

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  56. Oh man! I'm so happy I stumbled upon your blog! I'm crying over here!

    Thank you for the pick me up.

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