Friday, October 2, 2009

Toilet Musings

How did I get here?

I was sitting in the toilet with my legs tilted at an uncomfortable angle in front of me. Actually, sitting would be the wrong word to use. I suppose “stuck” would be more appropriate. I had stumbled into the bathroom in the dead of night and hadn’t realized that my husband forgot to put the toilet seat down.

So there I was, my ass dangling precariously close to the toilet water, my legs straight up—I was not amused. And to be honest, I was a little confused. In my half asleep mind I was all, “What just happened? Is my knee supposed to be in front of my face? I don’t recall this being the way I pee.”

It hadn’t been the greatest day.

First, I had decided to try a new recipe because a person can only eat spaghetti and sloppy joes for so long. I hate cooking by the way. It makes me feel cranky and each time I’m in the kitchen, I long for a cook to do it for me. But a cook is just too expensive and thus, I’m stuck preparing the meals. I found a recipe for a whole chicken in the crock pot—which I’m in love with, by the way. The crock pot, not the chicken. Anyhow, the recipe called for rosemary, and I had no idea what it looked like. I mean, I knew what it was—a spice, yes? But where would I find it?

I started pacing up and down aisles at the grocery store for the stuff. I suppose I was looking for a gigantic sign that read: “GET YER ROSEMARY HERE!” But of course I didn’t see such a sign. I stopped in front of all the spices and just stared and stared while my two year old attempted to climb out of the cart. She gets mortally offended if you stand still too long.

“I get out, Mommy,” she said.

“Okay,” I replied distractedly. Rosemary…where is the Rosemary…wasn’t Rosemary the name of Gwenyth Paltrow’s character in that Jack Black movie?

My eyes scanned the various spices. Where was the rosemary? And what does tarragon taste like?

“Bye Mommy,” Natalie called out.

“Bye,” I answered. WHERE WAS THE ROSEMARY??! And shit, there goes my two year old! I scooped up Natalie right when she was about to turn the corner.

“MOMMY! I WALK!” Natalie screeched, trying to kick her way free.

“You can’t. You have to say by me. I have to find the rosemary!” I explained frantically. Thankfully a woman overheard me.

“Are you looking for the rosemary? It’s right here.” She handed over a bottle of green pellets.

I thanked her and gawked at the bottle. “It looks like pine needles,” I blurted out and she laughed.

“I assure you, it doesn’t taste as such,” she told me.

I hope not.

Then I came home and it smelled like a giant cat box because apparently I’m the only one who remembers to change the cat litter. It’s just not fair. Why do I get to deal with all the feces in this house? I mean, okay, I don’t deal with TOM’S FECES—or maybe I do, because when he’s finished making a number two, I find I have to spray a bunch of freshener so our home doesn’t smell like the bog of eternal stench.

Later, as I was cooking dinner, Tommy was practicing his spelling words for the week. I could hear him out in the living room:

“Okay, which is spelled W-H-I—”

“T!” Natalie cut in cheerfully.

“No Natalie! There is no T!” Tommy yelled impatiently. “W-H-I-C—”

“T!” Natalie said again.

“THERE IS NO T! Mommy, I’m not feeling very pleasant right now,” Tommy fumed, stomping into the kitchen.

Pleasant is his latest word. He uses it all the time. For instance, having cereal in the morning is pleasant but stubbing a toe is not. He feels pleasant when he’s taking a bath but he doesn’t find it pleasant when he has to do a bunch of homework. It’s pleasant this and pleasant that. Pleasant, pleasant, pleasant.

“I’m sorry,” I said, stirring the vegetables that were starting to burn. How does a person burn vegetables? Well, I might have started to flip through the latest US Weekly (Jessica Simpson’s dog was eaten by a coyote—some deep stuff in there..) and I totally forgot I was cooking.

“I want to feel pleasant but I can’t because of Natalie,” Tommy whined.

“Natalie! Stop bugging your brother!” I shouted.

“Okay Mommy,” she replied, lying through her baby teeth.

When we settled down around the table, Natalie sniffed her plate, picked up one pea between her thumb and forefinger, stared at it for a few seconds, popped it in her mouth, rolled it around her tongue, swallowed and went, “All done!”

All done?

“Darling, you have to take a few more bites,” I said gently. You have to speak to her softly about food, otherwise she gets offended that you’re trying to get her to eat.

“No thanks,” Natalie said, sliding off her chair.

I never know what to do in this situation. Do I let her starve? Or do I try to make her eat? All the experts say you’re never supposed to force a kid to eat because then they’ll be obese or something like that.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in between all of this, I also went to find the YMCA where Tommy’s swim lessons will be held. I knew it was downtown but I had no idea where. So I sort of traveled around, searching, and then I spotted it but didn’t know how to get to it and I nearly died when I almost turned down a one way road.

One way roads are the bane of my existence. I hate them. HATE THEM.

So by the time we parked and made our way inside to inquire about the swim lessons, I was shaking slightly and the woman behind the counter gave me a startled look because I probably was pale from fear. I mean, I’m pale to begin with but I imagine I was extra EXTRA pale at that moment.

“We nearly died!” Tommy said cheerfully.

Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. “Oh my!”

I waved a hand dismissively in the air. “Not really. We just….man, there are a lot of one way roads downtown.”

The woman looked sympathetic. And then she told me that I couldn’t even register Tommy until October 20th for the swim lessons so Tommy went, “What? I don’t feel pleasant about this!”

So yes. It had been a long day. And now I was in stuck in the middle of the toilet that had been cleaned last week so God knows how much bacteria was now floating around on my backside. Yuck. I managed to work my way free and then I washed my hands and went back into bed—but then I realized I never got to pee, because I was attacked by the toilet—so I had to get back out of bed.

And as I sat there doing my business, I thought longingly, I need a vacation.

Or a stiff drink.


  1. *gives ya double malted and hopes you feel more pleasant soonest*

    Why do they even have one way streets where you live? Its not like the downtown part of an older City like Boston, Philadelphia, or New York.

  2. i'm afraid that if i were to spend ONE day with you and your family my throat would hurt from laughing so much!

    btw- here in the town where my cosmetic studio is... it's NOTHING but one way streets... back when we first bought the studio i would go down a one way at least once a day.. no crap!!

    have a great wkend!!!

  3. Love the Labyrinth reference. Haven't seen that movie in FOREVER.

    ::scurry's off to the movie store to rent Labyrinth::

  4. Great post...laughing out loud right now as I type...cant you tell :)

    Stopping by from SITS to say hi and I really enjoyed your post!

  5. Have the stiff drink! It is Friday, you know.

  6. Tell me you unwedged yourself and pulled him out of bed and kicked his ass

  7. Oh my goodness! There's a rule at my house . . . The toilet seat and lid go down every single time you're done using the potty . . . Or else . . . I guess that's what happens when all you're raised with is women. LOL

  8. Luckily Mr. Peach Tart is obsessive about putting the seat down. I've been with guys before who didn't and ended up the same as you, ass dangling over the water, legs in the air. Last time it happened I went and started jumping up and down on the bed right by the offending man's pillow. Never had that toilet thing happen again.

  9. I want some crockpot chicken. Right now.

  10. I am not feeling so pleasant today either. Tommy can come hang out with me if he wants. He sounds a lot like my little man - they could be buds. Hope the weekend looks better for you!

  11. Have the drink sounds like you need it.. and btw spices are arranged alphabeticly in the grocery store.

  12. I love where you said "These look like pine needles!" LOL I never thought about it, but you are right. Too funny!

    At least your husband remembers to put the seat up. Wouldn't it be worse if you sat on a seat with pee drops on it? EWWWW!!!

  13. The thing about one way streets is that they never, ever go the direction one needs to go to GET RIGHT THERE.
    One way streets are assholes.
    I'm having a pleasant glass of wine. Cheers!

  14. Burning question on everyone’s lips

    How did the dinner turn out?

  15. i am curious how the rosemary chicken was as well.
    i love rosemary olive oil bagels but the few times i have tried to cook with rosemary were fails.

    sorry to hear about your terrible, horrible no good very bad day ;)
    i hope you have a great weekend with your family!!

    if you come up with a way to get your hubby back for the toilet thing, i'd love to know. i have yet to fall in but would scream if i did ;)

  16. OMG I HATE when my husband and/or son leave the toilet up - it infuriates the hell out of me! HA! Sorry you had a rough night/day though - hope it turns around so you can have a great weekend! Big hugs! Trac~ :o)

  17. Good one!
    It made me feel pleasant!

  18. You need more than one drink. You need the whole bottle!

  19. One question: will the kids stay home if you go on vacation? ;-)

  20. You had a day worthy of membership in my new club, The Sisterhood of the Unraveling Spanx. Where weary, worn women drink lots of wine.

  21. Thank you for making my day feel not so bad ;P Sorry about the toilet incident, that has happened to me before and it was definitely NOT PLEASANT (your son cracks me up!). :)

  22. Ah, have a drink for me too!

    I can never find stuff I'm looking for at the store and I pace up and down and up and down.

  23. I think a drink is definitely in order! Great post! I fell in the toilet once when I was about 4 years old. I was too young to consider the bacteria angle, but I do remember it being cold and shocking and scary!

  24. How did the rosemary chicken turn out? Rosemary is one of my least favorite spices. Right up there with Alum.

    Fun story! Sorry about your backside accident. I've done that. My 4 year old little boy does me in pretty regular. There should be a rule about nighttime peeing...everybody must sit to pee.

  25. A vacation and a stuff drink would be very pleasant!

  26. Sadly, I have done that knee in the eye pee dance. It ain't pretty.

    I LOVE the arguments between them. Mainly because they aren't my kids. When MY kids argue like that, it's rarely cute and sweet. It usually ends up with me screaming (from the computer room) that I just want them to GET ALONG for crying out loud for 2 MINUTES while I get some time ALONE on the computer!

  27. Reading your blog is oh so pleasant!

  28. I have not had a pleasant week but reading this post made me laugh A LOT, so thanks! I needed it! :D

  29. So yes, pleasant will be my word for the week.

    It'll drive the kids batty.

    And trust me, I understand the two year old initiative. I have a smart ass, escape artist slash vandal. Who can be totally 'pleasant' when she feels like it.

  30. Will you scream if one more comment says "pleasant"? :D Hope Tommy learns a new word soon. You could try him with "marvelous"- my current favourite.

  31. Oh dear. Just.... oh dear. Where to begin?

  32. Oh, been there so been there. It can be such a challenge (like massive challenge, climbing Mount Everest kind of challenge) when dealing with all the "fun" kids throw at us.

  33. YOu are one funny gal! Glad I discovered your blog----visiting over from SITS!

    I had a bad day myself yesterday---but not quite so funny...

    Hope your day is better today!

  34. hihi funny!
    have a vacation and let her starve. hehe kidding.

    life's not fair, is it?

  35. The never-ending days where life just sneaks up and bitch-slaps you for thinking life is good.....ah yes....great blog, fun to read. Stopping by from SITS and have seen your thunbnail photo before and have thought of stopping by 'cause of the name, so here I am........

  36. ok I also laughed at "pleasant"!! you need a girls night out!

  37. I'd've stayed there. Much more peaceful. Oh, and I feel the same about cooking. Every Single Week I threaten my husband that if he asks me what is for dinner one more time, he is a goner. One day, I'll follow through.

  38. Ok I could read stories about you and your family all day long...mostly i think it's because you sound like us lol. It makes me feel like maybe we aren't so crazy ha ha. You are a fantastic writer keep it up

  39. I find crockpot cooking to be very pleasant.

  40. I enjoyed your post. Love the Labyrinth reference.
    your blog is lovely and your writing so witty.
    Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting.
    I'm your new happy follower.
    I'd love if you followed me ,as well:)

  41. Came back to tell ,as a Gemini,I'm too, that I LOVE your vintage pick
    of your profile:)

  42. Your unpleasant day made for a pleasant post.

    Hope things get more pleasant soon.

  43. ROTFLMAO. I really don't know what else to say, except I'm literally rolling on the floor....well, ok,I'm not but man, that was funny! The thought of sitting on the toilet where those stinking men have pee'd all over makes me want to vomit, so I feel for ya sista! ;O)

    Nice to meet you. x

  44. btw i hate cooking too and i just used my crock pot for the first time the other day and i swear i burned the chili i swear - it tasted like laundry detergent

  45. Oh, how I love a good story. and you tell a good story.

    I'm sorry it was at your own expense...:)

  46. Well...did you get the drink? I could use one here:P

  47. WHEW, that sounds like a rough one. Mama most def needed a cocktail!

  48. Hun, you really need to stop writing about MY life on your blog, lol!!!!! Hugs and commisserations to ya honey!!!!

    Do you need some easy, kids will actually eat it, recipes??

  49. I didn't know that you don't like to cook. The thought makes me smile.

    Such a great, great post, Amber. Seriously, your experiences at the grocery store are something that moms everywhere can relate to. :)


  50. I think it's cute your son uses the word "pleasant." It's so funny when he says he doesn't feel "pleasant" about something.

    I HATE one way streets too and that's why i don't like driving downtown. i usually manage to avoid dong that.

    Watch out for that attacking toilet!

    Visiting from SITS.

  51. Thanks for stopping by on my SITS Day!!

    I hope you found my bump-its review helpful!

  52. Laughing at "attacked by a toilet"...

  53. LOL!! I love it! pleasant:) great word:)

    Natalie sounds so funny!! I'm sorry I know that is cruel because its not good when she doesn't pee in the toilet, but I have to say, her character cracks me up! You are a lucky woman to have such awesome kids:)

  54. You might need more than one stiff drink. But take it easy, otherwise it won't be pleasant. :-)

  55. Oh, seriously laughing out loud and scaring my children with my cackling! You really do need a girls' night out and a stiff drink or two - and totally deserve one what with all the stress of possibly moving and such. Thanks for the laugh!

  56. THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH.. oh yea I caught that one.. friggin Tom!

  57. Your problem is that you're too skinny. If you had a fat ass, you wouldn't have gotten stuck in the toilet. I'm just saying... I HATE when my husband leaves the seat up! Fortunately, he's only done that a couple of times. Once, in the middle of the night. I don't turn the light on, either, and I fell, but caught myself at the last second. Saved! YES! When they leave the seat up like that doesn't it make you want to wake them up in the middle of the night and slap them silly?

    I love that your kids are polite even when they are being naughty. No thank you, said Natalie! That is too funny!

    And Tommy's new word? Pleasant? I just might have to use that all day today. My cup of tea is pleasant, but the smell emanating from the bathroom after my husband came out is not very PLEASANT.

  58. Love the Labyrinth reference. Haven't seen that movie in FOREVER.
    Make website india


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