I heard the rumble of the truck and immediately tensed up.
Oh no. Not now. Please not now…
I peeked out the window and there it was, sitting at the end of my driveway.
Oh no…why did it have to come when my husband was home for lunch? Why?
“Tom! I’m going outside. I need to…check my car. There’s a bird on it!” I yelled and grabbed my jacket. I darted outside before Tom had a chance to argue. I imagine that he looked up with a start as he ate his lunch and was probably thinking, “Huh? Amber isn’t anal about birds on her vehicle like I am…” See, if Tom sees birds hovering around his truck, he rushes outside with a broom and shouts, “Shoo! Shoo! You won’t be pooping on MY truck, you assholes!” I know. I sometimes think Tom loves his truck too much too.
The UPS guy was sliding out of his truck with my Gymboree package in his hands. He was looking down at an electrical device and was probably typing in that my package was delivered. This was why he didn’t realize that a housewife was rushing at him at top speed, clad in sweats, a mismatched t-shirt, slippers on her feet and hair that was sticking up all over on the top of her head.
“Sir! Excuse me! Sir! I can take that!” I said, gasping for breath. I definitely am out of shape if I only run a few feet and I’m out of breath. I held my arms out for the box and the guy looked up at me in surprise, taking me in. I think he was wondering if I was the actual occupant of the house and not some crazed neighbor out to steal everyone’s stuff.
“I’m Amber,” I tried again. I even tapped my chest as though I were an ape. “That’s my box.” I nodded towards the package where it had my name listed.
He blinked at me for a few seconds before reluctantly handing it over. I think he wanted to get away from me.
“Thank you!” I said brightly.
He just backed up and quickly scuttled back into his truck. I think I scared him. It’s not everyday that he’s rushed by a crazed housewife after all.
The reason why I had to grab the package before Tom saw was because I had just made a passionate speech a few days before saying that I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes for the children if Tom could go a week without eating out. See, Tom loves to eat out and he buys food when he’s at work even though we have stuff to eat at home. Of course I don’t mind eating out a couple times per week—but Tom seems to love eating out all the time. When I checked out bank account I balked when I saw the amount that Tom had been spending.
And Tom said, “Well hey, it’s about the same as what you spend on the kids when you add it all up…”
So I said, “Then I won’t buy clothes for the kids anymore! Not for an entire month!” And I slammed my first into my palm so he could see I was serious.
But then I forgot that it was Gymbuck Redemption. Big oops. And Gymbuck Redemption means that you only pay for half of what you buy. So I couldn’t exactly NOT shop it, you know? That’s probably like, illegal or something.
So I ordered some clothes.
And I thought the package would be delivered while Tom was at work so he’d never know.
He barely ever checks our bank account.
He doesn’t know how much stuff the kids truly have.
So he’d never ever know that I had gone back on my word.
At least, this is what I thought.
Until the UPS truck pulled up in front of my house when Tom was home for lunch.
My plan was to hide the package. I could run it around and set it against the back door. Then when Tom wasn’t paying attention, I could retrieve it.
I was all set to walk into the backyard when Tom CAME OUTSIDE.
I hurled the box towards the pine tree. See, I was hoping the trunk would hide it. But I can’t throw so the box just bounced off the branches and clunked to the ground. Tom would surely see it! Oh no!
I ran over to Tom and threw my arms around him.
“I just love you so so much!” I said into his shoulder. I was hoping to distract him so he wouldn’t look over to his left. He’d surely spot the box then.
“Um. I love you too? What’s going on?” Tom was instantly suspicious.
“Nothing? Nothing is going on!” I assured him, trying to lead him back inside the house.
“Is your car okay? Why are you acting weird?” Tom demanded, refusing to budge. He craned his neck to check out my car.
Why is he going on about my car? Oh. Right. I said I was chasing away birds..
“I thought I heard the UPS truck,” Tom said, watching as the truck rumbled away.
I shook my head. “Nope. The neighbors got something. Silly neighbors, shopping all the time,” I said, dragging him back inside. I was worried about my package. What if someone took it? What if it started to rain and the clothes inside got ruined? I had to go save it. As Tom wandered into the kitchen to get a soda, I shouted, “Those stupid birds are back!” Then I darted back outside. I ran over to my box and scooped it up. Then I started racing into the direction of the backyard when…
“Amber? What’s going on?”
Can’t Tom just piss off?
“And the next time you come back, it won’t be pretty!” I shrieked to the sky, pretending that I was arguing with the birds that didn’t really exist. I stuck the box up my jacket and hoped that Tom wouldn’t notice. It was at the moment when my neighbor stepped outside. He did a double take when he saw me shouting at the sky with a box shoved up my jacket.
“You’re acting really weird,” Tom observed with a frown.
I crossed my arms over my chest, hoping to shield the square of the box. It worked at first. Until Tom peered closer and went, “What are you hiding?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m not hiding a thing. What? Are you calling me…fat?” I puffed out my lower lip and tried to jog into the house. But Tom pulled my arm and tapped the box.
And then his face lit up because he knew what I had done.
“You went shopping, didn’t you?” He wasn’t upset. He looked downright pleased. He could probably taste the Big Mac that he would surely buy for lunch tomorrow.
I shook my head sharply. “Of course not. This is my Spanx,” I fibbed. I tried to walk away again but Tom refused to let me go.
“Your Spanx? Amber, I’ve known you for ten years. I can tell when you’re lying to me,” Tom said.
I sighed and pulled the box out. “So I went shopping. But I had to! It was Gymbuck Redemption! Would you have had me not use them and let them go to waste?”
Tom grinned. “Oh not at all. I just find it amusing that you went shopping after you told me that you weren’t going to buy clothes for the kids all month long.” He even slapped his fist to his palm like I had done during my passionate speech. He was totally mocking me.
“And do you want to know something ironic?” Tom continued as we stepped inside. “If you hadn’t insisted that I came home to eat lunch, I would have never known about this package…”
He was right.
Pictures of what I bought will come sometime this week. I asked Natalie if she wanted to try on her new things today and she went, “No thanks,” and then shut her bedroom door on me.
Maybe I can take some pictures tomorrow.
Or...when I promise that she can watch Yo Gabba Gabba if she tries on some clothes. I just have to prepare myself for the show because it’s so utterly frightening.