Friday, November 20, 2009

Attack of the Scary Twilighter!

“Yoo hoo! Amber!”

Her voice rang out and I instantly cringed. I was checking the mail this morning and I thought I would be safe.

I was wrong.

She rushed over to me clad in a t-shirt that said TEAM EDWARD in red letters. Rob Pattinson’s face stared back up at me from her stomach.

Yes.

It was the local crazed Twilight lady.

I had been trying to avoid her all week because I knew she’d want to talk all about how New Moon was opening.

A few weeks ago she even tried to give me a Twilight sweet tart with the word dazzle on it.

“No thanks,” I had said politely.

“But it says dazzle!” she squealed as though that made all the difference.

I sometimes wonder if she’s all there. I mean, she’s in her thirties and she still walks around wearing Twilight characters on her clothes. And okay, I guess there is nothing really wrong with this. She’s not hurting anyone, right? It just doesn’t make sense to me is all.

“Guess what?” she shouted and did a little bounce.

I blinked as I pulled out my mail.

“Hello?” she said, waving a hand around my face.

I shook my head. “Sorry. I’m a bit distracted. It’s hard to carry on a conversation when Rob Pattinson is staring up at me from your chest.”

She laughed. “Silly! This isn’t Rob Pattinson. It’s Edward!”

See?

Not. All. There.

“Guess what?” she tried again.

“What,” I said blandly hoping that she’d get the hint that I was not interested. (I think this is my main problem with the rude Twilight Crazies. They seem to think that because THEY enjoy Twilight that everyone else must too. I have a lot of friends who would consider themselves to be a Twilight Crazy but they don’t shove it in my face because they’re respectful.)

“I saw New Moon! It was fantastic! I have to tell someone all about it!” Rude Twilight Crazy gushed.

I sighed. “I’m not interested.”

“It was a beautiful movie and oh my Gosh, that Jacob is incredibly hot. The Volturi are frightening and…..”

She prattled on and on. Was she deaf? What part of NOT INTERESTED did she not comprehend?

I wish that I could just turn and walk away when people talk about things that I don’t care about. But I’m too polite. So I stood there and listened to her entire spiel about Bella and Jacob and “oh my God, I’m still wondering if Rob and Kristen are actually dating. They were spotted holding hands on the tarmac, you know.”

When she was done, she looked at me expectantly.

“What? Is my shirt bugging you again?” she asked jokingly when I didn’t say a word.

“A little,” I admitted. I can’t take Rob seriously as Edward.

This icon sort of sums up how I feel:



(Here's another one for good measure:



I did not make these by the way.)

“You’re going to be bitten by the Twilight bug someday!” she sing-songed at me.

I flipped through my mail. Yay, the newest Parenting when the Gymboree coupon inside came.

“I doubt it. As I’ve told you before, I enjoyed the books—” I began.

“That’s where the obsession starts!” she said with a sharp nod.

“And I moved on,” I added firmly. “These days I’m reading books about human beings, you see.” I gave her a thin smile. “Well, I should get home.”

“I’m going to see New Moon again tonight!” Twilight Crazy shouted at my back. “Are you going to see it?”

“When the hoopla has died down. I don’t want to be in the theater with the teenagers screaming over Edward,” I shouted back.

“The shouting makes it fun! You should have heard me last night!” she yelled.

See?

I tell you.

Not. All. There.

65 comments:

  1. LOL... What makes this a million times funnier is that there is a banner for twilight merchandise on the right of the article LMAO!!!

    Im a total *Potterhead* but I kinda keep that to myself unless I'm with like minded individuals. I know my obsession is odd, and no one needs to know unless they ask... oh wait, you didnt ask did you? whoops!

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  2. LOL, omg, this is so funny! Thank you, so much enjoyment you bring, Ladybird
    http://www.rainxrunway.blogspot.com

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  3. Hah! This is a hilarious post...even if I am a Twihard

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  4. I can kind of see what might be intriguing about the Edward/Bella romance (and I will admit, vampires are hot). But the acting. And the dialogue. And the effects. Before I offend anyone, I'll just say it's not my thing.

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  5. DUDE! I'm tellin' ya . . . they're NUTTY.

    I haven't even read the books yet. Just because I'm SO turned OFF by all the wack-a-doos out there. I will though, eventually. But I doubt I'll see the movies. I'm a book kinda gal, myself. And I CERTAINLY will NOT become a LOON! *shrug* I imagine I'll be a bit disseminated after all the hoopla. . .

    BUT! Three cheers for GYMBOREE COUPONS!!! *WOOT*

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  6. I meant to go see it during the day today so I wouldn't have crazies there with me, but my friend was busy. We're seeing it at 4. At the first scream I hear, I'm screaming back, "SHUT THE F**K UP!"

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  7. I just want to reassure you that I may be a Twihard, but I'm silent. I won't nag others about it, and in fact, I don't even talk about it unless someone else brings it up first. And I do not own a Twilight shirt or apparel of any kind.

    Will you still associate with me?
    ;-)

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  8. I don't get it at all, none of it. I try but I can't. I guess that makes me a Twitard.

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  9. I'm going to see it when the line of Tweens dies down. Maybe I'll just watch it online. Now that I think about it, that is probably safer anyway.

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  10. I am more a potterhead myself. I feel asleep during twilight and at 51 the crushes are over.

    Funny post xx

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  11. I like the Twilight books. I liked the movie okay. I'm going to see New Moon on monday with my daughter (who was at the midnight showing last night) and my niece (who missed the midnight showing). And I do admit to a certain amount of very silent and private "wow-ing" over the actor who plays Jacob's muscles. But that woman is crazy! And sad. Now if Johnny Depp was in the movie...just sayin...

    ♥Spot

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  12. Im with ya...dont get the extreme fascination...especially from grown women!

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  13. I read the first book, but I don't really get it.

    I guess it's just not my thing.

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  14. I laughed so hard reading this. I know girls like this (not technically girls, they're 18, 19, 20 years old) and then there's this one woman (what one would call a Twi-mom, or at least that's what she calls herself) and she's just like this woman you describe here.

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  15. OMG "yelling" I'M GONNA GO SEE THAT MOVIE TOMORROW" OMG I SO CAN'T WAIT ..IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST THING EVER! ...lol no i'm not a fan and i don't get crazed over it like that but i am going to watch it...haha Your so funny!

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  16. Oh Fine.
    IlikeitIhatetoadmitit.

    There.

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  17. Going to see it with all the girls this afternoon! They are the silly OMG Team Jacob/Team Edward kind. If they scream in the cinema I will laugh. I loved the books (sucker for any series actually).

    Ha ha, sucker...vampire...gosh, I'm funny.

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  18. it was a fun movie for sure. it was funny listening to ppl scream over the guys. me, i went because it worked for my shed and it's fun to go to premiers but i'm not obssed.

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  19. I know I've told you this before, but I'm so relieved that I'm not the only non-Twilight-getter out there. I just wasn't all that impressed!

    I gave it an "eh."

    Glad she didn't, like, shank you or something when you didn't instantly profess your love for ... whichever one of them was on her shirt.

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  20. What's disturbing is the actor who plays Jacob isn't even 18 yet.

    I'm a Potterhead, as other readers are calling themselves, but I read all the Twilight books. Twilight doesn't even hold a sparkling candle to Potter.

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  21. I'm with you here, Amber. As phenomena go, this has to be one of the most lame on record. Plots written by monkeys and acted by anaemic, pouty llamas. I mean, there's worse out there, granted - but there's heaps better.

    And if I went around telling everyone how hot I thought a seventeen year old girl was, I know the reaction I'd get... :)

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  22. I have not read a single book or seen a movie. I guess I need to start because a ton of people are talking about it!

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  23. One of my friends asked me today if I liked Twilight. When I said NO WAY, she was in shock.

    I will never like Twilight. Not my thing. And when I tell people that, they're incredulous!
    -Jen

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  24. I have to admit that I want to see this movie but I am with you, I will wait a long while. Like when it comes to our cheap theater.

    No crazing and only $3 for a show. That's what I am talking about.

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  25. I haven't read the books or seen any movies.

    Its just not my thing.

    :) I could watch the elf lady (Liv Tyler) in Lord of the Rings a couple dozen times though...

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  26. Come live in Japan- it hasn't reached here yet, and when it does it's so easy to ignore because it's all in Japanese. Awesome.

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  27. You are on the same page with this whole Twilight thing. No pun intended. I too read the books. OK. Yeah. Next please. I just don't get these grown women.

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  28. That lady is a whackadoodle. But you already knew that huh?

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  29. I'm laughing so hard right now! My 15-year-old daughter came home from school talking about all her wacko friends who'd gone to see New Moon last night and how crazy they were. All I could think was that I'd actually done something right in raising my daughter.

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  30. this is too funny. I had a whacky neighbor once and I even pretended to have an ear infection for about a month and stuffed cotton in my ear every time I went out. I would have run screaming at the sound of my name from the shirt wearing whack job.

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  31. I'm so sick of the crazies. I don't like it, I'm not going to watch it and I don't mind telling everyone!

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  32. Thanks for stopping by my blog!!

    um... that is HILARIOUS. so, i really enjoyed the books- and I am going to see the movie, but how could someone in their right mind act like that??

    girls started lining up at 10:30 AM yesterday morning for the midnight premier. Get out much??

    Crazy.

    Thanks for making me laugh!

    http://www.projecticansurvive.blogspot.com

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  33. Twilight 2: TwiHard with a Vengeance.

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  34. apparently I will never be a Twihard...I will probably never see that movie..or feel bad. LOL.

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  35. Yikes... I'm a Twilight fan... but I'm not a "TwiPusher".

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  36. I am Untwi! I couldn't even finish the first book, I thought it was no up to my standards as far as vampires are concerned!
    Stopping by from SITS!

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  37. Oh! This is too hilarious! I have read the books and will see the movie...in the privacy of my own home, when it's out on DVD. I really don't know anyone like your Twifright neighbor, but I have to admit I used the word "twihard" at dinner last night and my sister almost spit her her martini across the table!

    HAPPY SITS SAT!

    m .. {does that look like fangs? ;}
    vv

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  38. Oh gracious! I will admit (without shame) that I have neither read the books nor watched the movies...somehow the droves of fans (as you described) have turned me off to Twilight. But great post!! I was cracking up. :D

    Stopping from SITS! Happy Saturday Sharefest. ;)

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  39. I don't get all this Twilight mania! lol I saw the first movie and went "eh"..guess I just don't get it. I was actually going to rent the movie again and watch it to see what I missed that so many others got. lol

    No wonder you were trying to avoid this crazy person. hahahahaha

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  40. funny post, and I hope this woman chills out after the movie's been out a few days. And excellent work using the word "tarmac" :)

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  41. ha! I love it! I do not get the vampire, twitard craze!! You were much nicer to yiur neighbor than I would have been ;)

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  42. But you could have gone along with her and at least tried to scream louder. It's a start.

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  43. Gack. I'm not sure I could have been that patient with her. I really enjoyed the books...the first three, anyway. But I don't get the rabid fandom out there.

    Twilight the movie? Was stupid, with wooden acting. I watched it on DVD on maternity leave...and wished I hadn't.

    But that's just my two cents.

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  44. I'm NOT anything closely resembling a Twi-Hard. Yet I found myself at the movie today and thoroughly enjoying myself.

    Although, I'm sure that's mostly because I wasn't stuck in conversation with any Twilight CRAZIES. Thankfully!

    Thanks for visiting me today!

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  45. You know, I am with you. I completely missed the whole craze and don't care.

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  46. Wow. I so know how you feel. I have seen the first movie. Not bad. Not going to go Ga Ga over it. I have friend that is Twilight Crazy. Has the books, t-shirts, pics on cell, the works and talks about it whenever I am around. Drives me NUTS! I love you blog, you always make me laugh!

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  47. In the first movie I was actually disappointed by how "un-sparkly" the Edward character was... As for enthusiastic fans, I have met plenty and they're ok really...

    P.s. I found your blog through the Bloggers Choice Awards, I think it's great and I voted for you, if you would like to vote for my educational blog you can vote here;
    http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/78212

    Thanks :)
    Martin

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  48. SO not into this Twilight thing...eww.

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  49. My tween - who actually IS in the target demographic - is going with her friend and his mom today. I totally got off the hook. Yay.

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  50. I don't know ma'am---these crazies make our lives much more interesting AND? We get to think we are normal because of them. Score and Score!

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  52. I feel so bad for you, Amber! I would be terrified, personally.

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  54. What is wrong with these people?! There are movies I love too, but I don't wear t-shirts about them.

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  55. You mean I'm not the only one who isn't Twilight-obsessed and who just doesn't get the obessesion? Thank you!!!

    And yes, I did read the books and see the first movie...and I still don't get it.

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  56. I love reading your Blog. I gave you a award... you may get it on my Blog :)

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  57. I love your posts about this women, hilarious!! I am a Twilight fan (with the exception of the first movie which was horrible), I went to see New Moon on opening night and I will never understand girls (and women) who scream a characters name at the start of the movie. The second movie was a HUGE improvement on the first, thank god for Chris Weitz.

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  58. Wow ... just ... wow.

    I haven't read the books. I have a VERY long list of other books that I need to read before I even think about it. But I am most certain that if I ever do, I will not "fall in love" with any of the characters.

    I find it kind of ... gross and disturbing ... that women older than 20 are obsessed with teenagers (vampires or not).

    Enjoying the story is one thing. Obsession? Ew.

    And that Rob Pattinson thingy is hysterical.

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  59. I haven't gotten into all this Twilight stuff either, but all this hooplah makes me kinda want to read the book(s). One thing is for sure...I'd never don one of the t-shirts!!!

    Stopped by from SITS.

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  60. That's funny! I'm like you. I kind of enjoy the series, but I'm not a whackadoodle about it. I've got a friend like that too (and I use the word "friend" pretty loosely, considering I run for cover whenever I'm lucky enough to spot her first).

    She dominates every conversation with whatever is going on in HER life. No greeting, no interest in anything that is going on with me, just a monologue about *her* life. Maybe on the planet she was raised on, this passes for conversation, but not in this universe. I just endure and escape as quickly as possible. That's about all you can do unless you want to get in their face about it and then I'm not sure if they would get it. Guess it takes all kinds....

    Popping by from SITS to say Hi.

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  61. I'm with you. Waiting for the hoopla to die down.

    PS She sounds a little crazy to me!

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  62. You had me at the title & the rest was even better! My daughter's enjoyed it too!

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  63. OK, she is just giving all of us Twihards a bad name. I went at midnight but did NOT wear a shirt. I may or may not have worn bracelets...

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