Thursday, December 17, 2009

My Dear Letters

It's time for another installment of My Dear Letters!
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Dear Packages That Say That They Have An Easy Open,

Please don’t lie. When I see the word ‘easy open’ I expect it to be just that. So why do I end up struggling to open the easy open more often than not? The package of cheese I had was harder to get into than Fort Knox! I had to resort to scissors. So please. Make it EASY OPEN for real. Thanks.

Signed,
A Maybe She’s Just A Weakling,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

That was me PURRING last night. I was trying to be sexy. I was not neighing like a horse! I was being a cat! A purring sexy cat. NOT a horse. Get your ears checked.

Signed,
A Trying To Be Sexy,
Amber

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Dear novel,

I wish finish you! I admit, I nearly gave up on you. But then I remembered my favorite quote from the movie A League of Their Own. “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.” I realized that I couldn’t give up. So I’m still writing you. And I think I’m nearly done.

Signed,
A Just Following Her Dreams,
Amber

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Dear Folgers commercial where the girl sticks a bow on her brother,

I know I’m supposed to be moved by you but I’m not. I’m a little creeped out that a sister would stick a bow on her brother. I suppose I’d get it if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. But siblings? Maybe I’ve just grown cynical. Who knows?

Signed,
A Weirded Out,
Amber

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Dear people who write the script for chick flicks,

Please stop making characters say ‘I love you’ after only a few days have passed. For instance, in The Proposal are we really supposed to believe that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds suddenly love each other after hating each other for so long? And in The Ugly Truth , you want us to believe that the two characters are suddenly in love? Please. Let’s start being more realistic here.

Signed,
A That’s Not Really How Love Works,
Amber


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Dear zit on the end of my nose,

Why do you always appear around this time of year? Is it a joke between the zit gods? Do they sit around and go, “Ha, let’s form a zit on the end of Amber’s nose so she can be just like Rudolph!” Not funny, zit gods. Not funny.

Signed,
A Not Amused,
Amber

45 comments:

  1. I can't ever get those dang packages open with the string to pull. You know, the ones on dog food or flour. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I always get it all tangled up and have to cut the package open.

    Oh yes, I have a zit on my mouth so colossal that I actually look as if I've had Restylane injected into the right side of my face! Sweet!

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  2. Thank you!!!
    Now I know that I'm not the only one who is creeped out by the Folgers commercial. West Africa? "You're my present this year?" Seriously? ;)

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  3. Just letting you know that I'll be first in line to buy your book if it's anything like you're blog!

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  4. The siblings creeped me out too. I blame it on watching to much Law and Order SVU. My mind is all twisted now.

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  5. I always seem to get that same zit on the end of my nose as well...though it usually shows up at other times as well - like, before my wedding photos...or before the family photo shoot...or before my big work presentation. Not funny, zit gods...not funny!

    ~WM

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  6. A girl's best friend in the kitchen besides The Naked Chef? A pair of scissors. I, too, can never open any package. I even have trouble with ziplocs! They don't zip!

    I usually get the pimple in the center of my forehead so I look like Cyclops!

    Really funny stuff here!

    Good luck with your book!

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  7. I hate the quick "I love you"s too. It's so unrealistic! Then again, real love is so predictable and boring most of the time that it wouldn't be exciting to watch on TV. Whatever.

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  8. That commercial creeps me out too! I usually turn the channel.... I don't get that excited too see my brother!

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  9. That commercial creeps me out too! I usually turn the channel.... I don't get that excited too see my brother!

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  10. You totally need to link these up tomorrow with my Letters of Intent carnival! These are great!

    I have to take scissors to "easy open" packages to. WTF is up with that?

    Purring? You were purring? Bawahahahaha!

    Good luck with the novel. I admire you.

    That Folger's commercial creeps me out too. Why would a little sister want her brother to be her present? Yuck.

    Chick flicks are getting to predictable nowadays. Seriously.

    Did you know eye drops take the redness out of zits? Seriously- give it a try.

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  11. OOOOOH MAN!!!!

    that folgers commercial... TOTALLY creeps me out too.. and the way she looks and stares at him... CAN YOU SAY SKEEVY!!!!!!

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  12. I've never seen that Folgers commercial - it must not come on Noggin. *rolls eyes*

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  13. OMG! I thought I was the only one that thought that the box exchange between siblings seemed like a little bit more than "brotherly love"! LoL! Try toothpaste on that zit. It should dry it up overnight.

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  14. I thought the same thing about the Folgers commercial...ewwwww!

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  15. I couldn't help but giggle at the purring part. Don't they always want sex, do you need to be sexy too? Darn it, I have been doing it wrong!

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  16. LMAO!

    Thanks for the belly laugh today!

    I do hope that novel gets finished! I want to see when the characters in it start saying "I love you." (I agree with you - its way over- and too soon used)

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  17. I am glad that you are going to keep writing your novel. I so want to read it.

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  18. OMG! I thought the same thing about the Folgers commercial! I don't have a brother, but my husband has a sister. I asked him if his sister and him had ever done that. He said, "um, no. That's creepy."

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  19. It pleases me to know I'm among others who felt the same way about the Folgers commercial.

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  20. A purring horse? Hmmm...

    Also, the zit Gods have visited my cheek. Bastards.

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  21. Oh my gosh, how ridiculous is the Kraft Mac&Cheese box?? It's a sick joke.

    The other great quote from A League Of Their Own is, "Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan!"

    That Folgers commercial is unnecessary. The brother does look at his sister a little too long for comfort and why does this all have to center around coffee?

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  22. Your zit letter totally reminded me of my little niece. She just happened to have lost her second front tooth. So now everyone keeps singing "all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth", which just makes the poor girl feel self conscious!

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  23. You hit the nail on the head each and every time. (Well, I guess I don't know about thing with you purring, and Tom not getting it, but other than that...)

    And I owe you one, which I promise I will publish tomorrow, because last week when I was out of town and did a version of "My Dear Letters", I couldn't recall for sure if you were the inspiration for it! Now I can give you proper credit! Tune in tomorrow!

    Love the blog-- as always--

    L.

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  24. I have 2 on my nose and I'm so glad I can photoshop them out of the Christmas pics! Oh and I can't wait for you to finish your book!

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  25. WTF I woke up to a zit on the end of my nose this morning! Must be stressed induced! or the cookies I have been eating for lunch!

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  26. One Christmas in high school I had a honking huge zit on the end of my nose and my mother was so distracted by it she taped a mini cupcake foil over it during dinner.
    Yes, that was a scarring experience.

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  27. I too am not touched by the sister adorning her much missed big bro with a bow over folgers coffee. I have a brother and have never felt the need to unwrap him as my christmas gift. If my parents would have given me him for christmas I would've demanded a refund! Its just a little too incestuously creepy for me!

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  28. You're writing a novel?! Amber, I am amazed. Don't you dare quit now. I need to be able to tell people that one of my friends is a "writer."

    :)

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  29. Amber- you are the voice of women everywhere. Easy open packages are clearly some sickos idea of a joke. I have a zit that won't die between my eyebrows for all the world to laugh at right before my yearly visit home (seriously, is it such a crime to want to look good for just 2 weeks of the year?)And I have trouble making men understand that I'm sexy all the time, even when I copy the Cosmo tips word for word (d'ya think that's where I'm going wrong?) Thank you for making my day brighter with a smile. ;P You're awesome (is it too soon to say "I love you"? ;P

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  30. Love this!! You inspire me to be a better writer. I love these letters and am starting mine.
    I absolutely agree about the hard to open packages. Remember those gerber baby foods with the sealed vacuum pack? SERIOUSLY!! The hardest thing to open while holding a wailing baby!

    Thinking of you and your family while you prepare to separate for a year!! We will be here for you sweets!

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  31. I was thinking the same thing...at least i know i am not the only one!

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  32. LOL These letters are great! Don't cha just love life!?! LOL
    I hate those friggin packages!!! the ones you have 3 utensils and a broken tooth trying to open?? lol
    And don't feel bad...i have a zit on my cheek...you would think at this age we wouldn't have them anymore. arrrggghh
    Have an awesome day!

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  33. Oh my gosh! Sorry, I laughed at the Dear Zit letter. Yes, I can totally relate to items that are not easy to open even when they say they are. Some of this stuff should come with written instructions in letters big enough that we can actually read them without a microscope!

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  34. I actually look as if I've had Restylane injected into the right side of my face! Sweet!

    Work from home India

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  35. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!!! LOL, Your post is so true and completely hilarious!! :)

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  36. Hey from SITS,

    You're hilarious. I feel you on the zit comment. My zit on the nose ONLY comes when I'm going out on a FIRST date! Why!

    -Victoria

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  37. Oh! Bad chick flick alert! I have a whole different rant about The Proposal, but I felt compelled to do a review of The Ugly Truth because it was awful awful writing and I was insulted that any writer would foist that on an unsuspecting audience.

    Rotten writing. Horrible. Plot holes and cheezy character manipulations drive me nuts. New In Town was like that, too. So Convenient(TM).

    Eh heh.. thanks for stopping by the newlywed blog!

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  38. Love the Dear Letters. I totally stole your idea and had fun with it! Thanks!

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  39. I love your Dear letters!! but I have to disagree with the Folgers commercial...it made me cry! :O

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  40. Good luck finishing your novel. With your talent, I'm sure it will be wonderful!

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  41. I know that I'm not the only one who is creeped out by the Folgers commercial. West Africa? "You're my present this year?" Seriously? ;)

    wagyu beef burger

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