Monday, January 18, 2010

The Movie Made Me Paranoid

I went to see The Lovely Bones on Saturday with Amanda.

I had read the book awhile back so I knew what it was about. I remember when I read the book that I couldn’t stop crying so I knew I should probably pack tissues for the movie—I was stuffing some into my purse when Tom walked into the kitchen. He was bleary eyed and a little confused—I had woken him up ten minutes before. He works the night shift and sleeps during the day. When I had rubbed his arm he had bolted upright in bed and said, “What? Work now?” and I went, “No dear. Not work. You just have to get up to watch the kids since I’m leaving.” (And don’t worry, he got plenty of sleep—he stumbled into bed around six in the morning, tossed his man leg over my waist and woke ME up, I might add...my movie started at 410 so I let Tom sleep until 3.)

“What are the tissues for?” Tom grumbled, scratching his head.

“If I cry. The book was sad so there’s a good chance that I’ll cry,” I said, pulling out some stale fruit snacks from my purse. Gross, I really need to clean it out. I picked up a coupon for Dominos. “So look, for dinner you can order pizza. Make sure you mention this coupon or they’ll charge you full price. This is the number you call and I suggest you call around 4 seeing that it’s Saturday and it could be busy....are you listening to me?”

Tom was teetering back and forth and was staring at the wall. “I’m listening. I’m just irritated. You treat me like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Well. Maybe because a lot of the times he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“So here’s the coupon.” I slid it across the counter. “Remember to mention it before—”

“I know. Jesus!”

I hate that I have to treat him like a child but honestly if I don’t, he ends up calling me asking what he needs to do.

“So I’m leaving,” I said. I hugged Natalie, who was playing with her creepy Yo Gabba Gabba dolls.

“You play,” she said, shoving Foofa at me.

“I can’t. Mommy is leaving,” I answered.

Natalie’s face fell. “No!” Then she latched onto my ankle.

“Tom? A little help?”

But Tom was already in front of the computer, starting a game.

I eventually managed to pry her off of me by putting on Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan. Then I ran out.

(I'm free, I'm free, I'm free!)

When we got to the theater I got my medium diet coke and small popcorn (“you sure you don’t want to upgrade your drink to a large? Only forty cents more. You sure you don’t want a medium popcorn? The small is kinda…small…” the teenaged theater worker said..) and then Amanda and I had to wait a bit while they cleaned the room up. A few other people joined us to wait and then someone mentioned that the sequel to Alvin in the Chipmunks was painful to sit through.

“What? Don’t knock Alvin! He rocks!” some weird guy said.

Um?

“And you can’t go wrong with the Chipettes,” he added suggestively.

Um. EW!

I wonder if he’s aware that they aren’t real.

And that they are chipmunks.

And again. Not real.

Thankfully we were able to go in so we could get away from Weird Chipette Lover.

The movie was good. I enjoyed it and it wasn’t all depressing. Although when it was over I vowed that my kids would never be allowed out of the house unsupervised again (because for those who don’t know, the movie deals with a child’s murder.) When I got home I burst through the house.

“Where’s Tommy?” I said.

Tom looked up with a start on the couch. “Uh. In the garage with his friends.”

“But it’s dark out! He has to come in. Someone could grab him!”

“Amber, have you been drinking?”

“He has to come in!” I ran to the garage and opened the door. “Tommy, you have to come in!”

“Are you okay?” Tom asked from behind me.

“I’m fine. It’s just…the movie made me all paranoid. Have you noticed any of our neighbors acting suspiciously?”

Tom frowned. “Not that I know of. Amber, seriously, what is going on?”

Tommy came in at that moment and I threw my arms around him. “Tommy, remember if anyone tries to lure you into an underground cave, you run.”

Tommy cast a confused look at Tom, who shrugged. “I don’t know what’s wrong with your mother either,” Tom said.

“And if anyone asks you to look at a puppy, you run,” I continued. “Stranger danger, Tommy. Stranger danger.”

“Mommy. You’re hurting me.”

I hadn’t realized that I was gripping onto his shoulders. Oops.

“I’m sorry,” I said, letting go. “But there are a lot of bad people in the world.”

I peeked out the window and eyed all the houses around us with suspicion. “In the movie the murderer lived across the street. Any of these people could be living secret lives.”

Tom sighed. “This is why you shouldn’t watch movies like this. You only upset yourself. Like when we saw Signs? You swore there were aliens running around in the backyard. Hell, you still think aliens are running around in our backyard. Repeat after me Amber: it’s just make believe. Our neighbors are sane and there are no aliens.”

“I’m going to my room,” Tommy said.

“Stranger danger!” I called to his back.

“I know that!” came Tommy’s irritated reply.

Tom rolled his eyes at me. “Let’s stop talking about this, okay? Let’s…talk about the Girl Scouts. They came by selling cookies.”

My heart lifted at the thought of Caramel Delights.

“Did you buy me Caramel Delights?” I asked.

Tom immediately looked guilty. “Um…no? Is that what you like?”

Is that what I like? We’ve only been married for EIGHT YEARS! He’s seen me eat the same Girl Scout Cookie for EIGHT YEARS.

“Well, what DID you buy?” I demanded. I flicked back the curtain and scowled out at the other houses. I’m onto you, secret creepy neighbors…maybe the Crazed Twilight Mom kidnaps children. She seems the type. I mean hell, she thinks Taylor Lautner is hot after all and she’s in her thirties and he’s seventeen. Ew.)

“I bought two boxes of Thin Mints and two boxes of Tagalongs,” Tom said.

“How sweet. At least you bought me a box of Thin Mints.” I kissed his cheek.

Tom looked guilty again. “Er…actually both boxes are for me…”

“Did you not order me anything?” I had to resist the urge to add, “you selfish bastard.”

“I didn’t know what you wanted!” Tom threw up his hands.

“Caramel Delights. Thin Mints! Basically anything except the healthy ones!” I shrieked.

“Well, they always sell boxes at Wal-Mart. Buy what you want there,” Tom said with a shrug.

“One of those Thin Mint boxes are mine. You don’t need four boxes of cookies,” I sulked.

“Oh, but I do.”

I peeked out the window again. “Our neighbor across the street has something strange in his garage. See, right there in the corner?”

Tom leaned over my shoulder to look. “A rake?”

I pressed my nose to the glass. Oh. It was a rake.

Well, in my defense, from a distance it looked like a dangerous weapon.

50 comments:

  1. I loved that book and can't wait to see the movie. Your post is funny. I'm a little on the paranoid side due to growing up with an above average paranoid mother...my kids think I'm crazy!!!

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  2. I don't know if the movie could be anywhere as good as the book, so I don't know if I want to see it.

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  3. This is just unfair. I mean, you leave your kids with a very sleepy man, go to an exhausting movie and then come back only to learn that he didn't GET YOU ANY COOKIES???

    Clearly, you had a very stressful day and I think you should get at least 2 of those boxes of cookies.

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  4. I never heard of the book or movie before today. YUM we start selling our Girl Scout Cookies on the 22nd and I can't wait!! Carmel Delites are my FAV!!

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  5. I have never heard of the book or the movie. I love to read so I will have to find the book and see for myself...but then again I don't want to get too freaked out..hehehehe!

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  6. I feel like I need to leave Hubs a list of what to do when I'm out of the house.

    Movies/books like this make me so paranoid, too.

    Off to post on fb to ask whose girls are selling Girl Scout cookies. I really want some now.

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  7. LOL! You're so weird!!! Did you really think you saw aliens in the back yard???

    And yes, you DO have to treat husbands like children when it comes to household/child rearing stuff. They can remember sport stats till the cows come home but forget anything else!!!

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  8. I tried to read the book while I was pregnant with my first. I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones, but it was so sad I couldn't even finish until many months later. Which is why I'm a little iffy on if I even want to see the movie.

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  9. Rakes ARE dangerous weapons.

    I've never read the book because I don't like to cry. I won't watch the movie, cause, well, I don't like to cry... :) And I'm suspicious enough as it is.

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  10. I don't have to see that movie to know that my neighbors are not sane.....

    Luckily their insaneness isn't the creepy kind though. ;)

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  11. I won't watch movies or read books like that for just that reason.

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  12. I thought the moral of the movie was don't make your teenage daughter wear ugly hand-knit hats. It was kinda obvious.

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  13. I've seen the previews for that movie a couple of times and know myself well enough to know that I would be flipping out over rakes, too! I just can't go see it. Thin Mints in the freezer are my favorite thing in the world. Mmmmmmm

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  14. I don't know which is funnier, you repeatedly yelling, "Stranger danger!" at your kids, or thinking, "You selfish bastard" about the cookies. hee hee

    I do like the Tagalongs, and my boyfriend was munching away on them last night and finally said, "You have more of these right?" NO! Selfish bastard.

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  15. There's some new show on about people who just disappear and are never heard from again. I'm sure that will be great for my mental health.

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  16. I can't wait to watch that....I'd be freaking out too. You need to find your own Girl Scout and double your order!

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  17. Ugg, I saw the movie last night. It was really good, but like you, it makes me not want to let my kids out of the house ever again. Stranger danger, indeed....

    As for the cookies, THANK GOD you can get them pretty much everywhere. If my man didn't order me some Samoas, I might go a little crazy on him.....

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  18. it'll probably make me paranoid too.. but i read the book yrs back.. and i don't think i'll be able to NOT watch the movie...

    my favorite... tagalongs!!!!

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  19. LOL, literally! You are hilarious! This post made me laugh out loud that even my dog came by to see what was up. Your husband was funny too, hogging all the cookies! I didn't know they even had any healthy ones, I think just less fattening.

    My husband read the book but we didn't see the movie.

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  20. one can never be too careful with all of those rake-owners on the loose!! but i know what you mean.... i had to stop watching law & order SVU because i was convinced our kids were going to be kidnapped and murdered.....

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  21. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! I say Stranger Danger to my 12 year old all the time and he just rolls his eyes.

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  22. Carmel delights are my faaaaaave.

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  23. LOL that's the reason I don't watch movies like this as I am paranoid about 'strangers' enough already as it is and my kids are 16years old! HA! Too funny about the Girl Scout Cookies - in my case it would have been reversed because I would be the one forgetting what kind my husband wanted and likes - he is the one that has the memory of an elephant and would remember mine before I remembered his - HA! :o)

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  24. I'm so hoping to see that movie before this baby comes. 2 hours out of the house by myself sounds nice right now! I'm already paranoid because of the True TV channel. There are seriously weird people out there and they have to live next to someone right?

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  25. I can tell by watching the trailers for that movie that it is definitely not one I should watch!

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  26. Movies like that are scary and you can never be too careful.

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  27. Man! What an arsehole! If I were you, I'd eat every last one of those effin biscuits... just to teach him a lesson. Then, I'd make him sleep outside.

    Really wanna see that movie... maybe this weekend!

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  28. Poor Tommy. Stranger Danger only works if the kids pay attention. First person comes up to my Peanut and says my puupy is missing, Peanut has his hand on the car door before they even ask.

    Tom should be penalized for the cookie cafuffle.

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  29. My hubby makes the Girl Scout from across the alley come back when I'm home. I usually order 15-20 boxes, heavy on the Samoas. Then I try to hide at least some of them so they don't get eaten immediately. I always promise myself to order fewer the next year, but that's not gonna happen.

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  30. I didn't like the movie at all but the book was good. I will say during that scene in the pit with Mr. Harvey I was cringing and my husband had to leave. we have 2 girls so it was extremely uncomfortable.

    I was glad they didn't show the actual scene from the book. My imagination was enough!!

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  31. You're going to have to go through some kind of paranoid step off program before he leaves the country. I'll worry about you if you don't. ;)

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  32. I'm anxious to see the movie. It took me a year to decide to read the book, because I thought it would be too horribly depressing. My sister-in-law convinced me that it wasn't like that, and I was glad I read it.

    Tom -- wait-- NOBODY needs 4 boxes of cookies if their partner gets none! You birthed him two gorgeous and wonderful kids! Dudn't he get it??? =^)

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  33. I would be the same way! Those kind of movies give me the heebie jeebies!

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  34. Mmmm It IS about girl scout cookie time! I'd totally forgotten!

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  35. I refuse to see that movie because I know if I do, Tori will never ever be allowed to leave the house. Ever. That book freaked me out, and I'm a grown woman who nobody in their right mind would want to kidnap.

    Oh, and tell your husband I said he sucks. The ordering of girl scout cookies should be written into marriage vows, as far as I'm concerned.

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  36. i cant relive that book again, ill be skipping.. because, id behave worse than you, and my kids are "that" age..

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  37. I can't believe Tom missed the bit in the manual about "what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own." I think he should be allowed to pay for his error in Girl Scout cookies- 2 boxes of mint thins should do it. ;P

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  38. I had already decided that this movie would be too much for me and now I know for sure!

    Oh, and how dare Tom buy all of those cookies for himself! Hmph! Men!

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  39. My mom has told me since the day my fiance and I got engaged that "everything in life is eventually shared"-- haha! My fiance does the same thing Tom does with Girl Scout cookies.. not fair at all.. he eventually shares when I threaten to lock up his golf clubs ;)

    OH btw- I remember you mentioning how annoying Farrah from "Teen Moms" is... go to TMZ.com.. Apparently, her mom was arrested this weekend for choking and hitting Farrah! Not the right way to handle stuff but when I watch her on TV, I want to choke her too!

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  40. Let's face it - men need direction. So - did Tom use the coupon or forget? Or will you EVER really know?

    I'd like to see the movie, too. I read the book when it first came out.

    I'm with you - caramel delights are my favorites! I'd be mad if my husband didn't buy any cookies for me! You'd better get a box of thin mints out of that order!

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  41. You must hide the cookies somewhere so no one finds your stash. These are the important things my mother taught me from birth :)

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  42. Clearing you didn't see the film "Revenge of the Killer Rake"?

    Hardcore stuff..

    I still get nightmares and nervous twitches.

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  43. I know--stuff like that makes me so paranoid. I never want my kids to go anywhere. Ever again.

    And I, too, have to treat my husband like a child.

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  44. My mum hated this book just because of the sadness.

    After I had read it I could't concentrate because I kept thinking that people I knew really were just listening in like she does in the book? I get confused with movies and real life sometimes.

    xx

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  45. Could you stop with the "Taylor Lautner is hott" hating?? Geez Amber, he'll be eighteen in like 2 weeks!!

    On another note...Tom sure is selfish with his cookies. I suggest you hide a box when he's not looking and tell him you think the aliens stole it. Works everytime.

    ♥Spot

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  46. Four boxes of cookies? Oh well, in his defense, he probably won't see any in Korea... Unless someone sends him some... be best to send the healthy ones though.

    :)

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  47. Ok I definitely will NOT be seeing that movie!!

    And Josh never orders the cookies and popcorn I like! It's been 10 years! Geez!!

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  48. Read the book a few years ago and also looking forward to the movie, but probably won't watch it until it comes out on Redbox. Yes, I'm cheap and I hate to boohoo my head off in a theater. :-D

    Cracks me up, your paranoid after-movie evening sounds like one of my sisters on a daily basis. yeah...the one who still dries off her 8YO child after shower because 'you have to check them over for injuries!' Jeesh. If my child has an injury bad enough that needs attention- trust me, the whole neighborhood will know! I don't need to 'inspect' ~shakes head~ lol
    Movie popcorn and drinks are the reason I rent Redbox for a buck and make my own popcorn :-D

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  49. Men! You should take all four of his boxes until he gets you Caramel Delights.

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  50. Thankfully my darling understands my need for cookies and chocolate and the fact that I don't like to share!! He even tells my 17 year old son ( so Taylor Lautner ewwww he's a child!) that they are women food and not for him. Cute 17 year old pays no attention but the thought is worth it.
    Looking forward to checking out the movie.

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