Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Dear Letters

Nothing much to report so I'll just do My Dear Letters today.

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Dear Tom Hanks,

Could you please do a romantic comedy like you did in Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail? I get that you want to branch out but your latest movie where you searched for angels or was it demons or maybe it was both did not catch my interest. So please. Another romantic comedy.

Signed,
A Just-Want-A-Regular-Chick-Flick-Where-Characters-Don’t-Walk-Into-A-Wall-For-Laughs,
Amber

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Dear Bear Gryllis (from Man VS Wild),

Thank you for spoiling my appetite by drinking the water from some creature’s poop. I mean, do you really have to do it? I think explaining it is enough. I really don’t need to see you drink the poop. I mean, dear gracious. On the bright side, I think I know how to stop myself from eating that sixth Reeses Peanut Butter Cup of the day: by watching your show. So all the women out there dieting? Watch Man VS Wild. You’ll lose your appetite at least once during the program, I guarantee it.

Signed,
A Grossed-Out,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

I don’t care what your friends say. Asking me if I liked your ass was NOT appropriate. What kind of people are you hanging out with, anyway? Why are you all sitting around and talking about your butts? I’m confused. And appalled.

Signed,
A-They-Grow-Up-So-Fast-Don't-They?
Amber

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Dear Person on Half.com Who I Tried To Buy The Lovely Bones From,

Um, here’s an idea. Make sure you HAVE the book before listing it for sale. I don’t appreciate getting a e-mail saying, “Sorry, I couldn’t find the book.” So repeat after me: find your items. THEN list. Find your items. THEN LIST!

Signed,
I-Just-Want-To-Compare-The-Book-To-The-Movie,
Amber

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Dear Jay Leno,

I think it’s time for you to retire. It’s Conan’s turn now. Conan is more interesting to look at—I can never tell if he’s had plastic surgery or not. His face looks all plasticy and shiny. And I don’t know what’s up with his hair either. When I look at you Jay, all I think is, “Big chin.” So please. Retire and let Conan keep his time slot. Thanks.

Signed,
A-Gal-On-Team-Conan,
Amber

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Dear People On The Forum I Write At Who Claim They’ve NEVER Farted In Front Of Their Husbands,

Are you human? Seriously? Repeat after me: farting is okay. And you don’t have to call farts cutesy things either. It’s called farting, not popped out a fluffy. That reminds me of a puppy. Do you fart out a puppy? One would hope not.

Signed,
A-Woman-Who-Openly-Farts-In-Front-Of-Her-Husband,
Amber

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Dear Lost,

I can’t wait for you to return though reports are saying that people are going to be confused. Not trying to be rude here but I’m confused 96% of the time watching your show. Thankfully I enjoy it enough that I don’t mind not fully comprehending why a giant foot statue was in the middle of the island or how there are two Lockes.

Signed,
An-All-Prepared-To-Be-Confused,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

Seriously, I’ll get sexier underwear when you start putting yours in the laundry basket. ‘K?

Signed,
A-Refusing-To-Pick-Up-Laundry-From-The-Floor,
Amber

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Dear Annoying Neighborhood Kid,

Please stop walking into my house without knocking. It’s rude. I know you were confused when I went, “Woah, Salahi wanna be, you weren’t invited, therefore you must leave.” The Salahi’s, in case you weren’t sure, are the people who got into the White House. UNINVITED.

Signed,
A-KNOCK-FIRST,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

Thanks for reminding me why we DON’T HAVE NICE THINGS!



Signed,
An-Irritated-And-Foolish-For-Leaving-Child-Alone-With-Ranch,
Amber

59 comments:

  1. Awesome - every single one of them.

    I will use your line to your hubby about the underwear to mine - but I will tell him he has to stop leaving sock nuggets in the hamper. :-)

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  2. Oh honey, ya never leave 'em alone with ranch! Great post, it put a big old smile on this chicks face.

    Have a great day!!!

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  3. Popped out a fluffy? Seriously?
    I AM SO EXCITED FOR LOST.

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  4. These were great. I am so glad that I found your blog. I am laughing so hard! Happy Tuesday!

    Come on over to my blog, I just posted a new giveaway an iPOD Nano in addition to my inStyler one. I am just on a roll here!

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  5. at least it was ranch dressing and not a Sharpie....just sayn'

    Great letters!

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  6. I totally agree with the whole farting thing. Why not? You have had sex!!! I don't understand what the big deal is.

    And I hate Leno with a fiery passion now.

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  7. Amber, NEVER, EVER leave toddler alone with Ranch. Or Ketchup. EVER.

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  8. tommy is a boy, just ask tom, all of a sudden they go through a phase that all they can talk about is poop, farts, and butts. This too shall pass, when he gets a girlfriend, who won't fart in front of him.

    You know this neighbor kid? Does he call you Amber and Tom or Mr. and Mrs? I hate those kids.

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  9. Awww you reminded me of Tom Hanks!! I love him (and Meg Ryan too) and all his chic flick goodness in Sleepless in Seattle and You've got mail. Watching those movies just makes me feel like cuddling with a warm blanket and a glass of wine and dreaming away!!! and lol, people who say they've never farted are totally lying. I admit it, I've done it!!! but at times like that you just have to say excuse me and move on, like shrek says "better out than in" ok thats kind of gross, but its bound to happen living so closely with another person.

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  10. I'm with Coco too!
    (and popped out a fluffy? for REAL?!)

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  11. I love when you do your open letters! I agree . . . It's time for Leno to go.

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  12. Lost cannot come soon enough, if you ask me...which you didn't. I spend most of my time confused as well, but I just keep telling myself that I'm not the only one, and that it will all make sense in the end...right? I fart in front of my husband too. I know this could be bad for me because it gives him license to set off his stink bombs even more regularly, but, hey, it's a necessary tradeoff that I'm willing to make. Thanks for the laughs!

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  13. Farting is great!! "popped out a fluffy"??? Who are these people?? Actually sounds more like a cute lil kitten than a puppy - just saying. Farting is almost a competitive sport in this family. Yup house full of males and moi! IF you can't beat em join em I say.
    Loved all the letters. Live in NZ so couldn't care less about Jay and Conan but I'll take your word for it. Jay Leno does bring up up images of just the chin tho. LOL

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  14. Friday. This Friday you must link up with my Letters of Intent. These rock!

    I was thinking of writing a letter to Jay myself this week. What is it with that man? He doesn't have enough money or what?

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  15. you know.. bear may do some nasty crap... BUT, that is one more good looking man!!!!

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  16. My boyfriend would always be like, COME ON, JULIE! FART!
    One day, I did.
    He broke up with me the next night.

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  17. I'm pretty sure I laughed so hard, I popped out a fluffy. That was so funny it brought tears to my eyes. As was the "Salahi wanna be". Thank you for a great giggle!

    ♥Spot

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  18. I totally agree with you on Tom Hanks. Let's go back to what worked!

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  19. I'm still on the 4th season of Lost. I need to catch up! And I agree, I'm ALWAYS confused!

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  20. Bear Grylls is repulsive...seriously he drinks his own pee mmmmmmm

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  21. Oh the picture was great! How kids can make messes so quickly baffles me.

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  22. We must have some kind of psychic connection! I just wrote a blog on Bear drinking water out of a shit! Amazing!

    Oh and my Mum used to always say 'Who let fluffy off the chain?'

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  23. Tom Hanks definitely needs to do another chick flick. He also needs to get a regular hair cut.

    Haven't seen Lovely Bones but the book was amazing. Hard to read if you are a mom however.

    We have matching couches.

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  24. Hahaha another great post! I think I might give Bear Gryllis a miss though? And as for popping out a fluffy?! Are there real people who say that?! Oh dear.

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  25. These are awesome! lmao

    You could have done them on post it notes and linked up with SupahMommy's Post It Note Tuesdays!

    There are TWO Lockes? Huh? Now I'm confused before the season even STARTS!!!!!

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  26. I'm an avid chick-flick watcher, and could not agree more with Tom Hanks needing to go back to doing things like You've Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, etc. Hell, just a good chick flick with both meg and tom would be great!

    Great post!

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  27. Man vs. wild is the grossest show ever! Seriously, can't watch it anymore.
    I agree about Tom Hanks...something normal please.
    The fart one made me laugh til I cried. If someone says they haven't farted in front of their husband they have to be lying (or have a very bad tummy ache)!

    Love your letters!

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  28. I LOVE when you do these letters.

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  29. Seriously, he drank water made from animal poop?? I'm pretty sure I've found the diet that will finally work. Ewwww.

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  30. Okay, don't hate me cause I'm not a farter. Really. And I don't pop out puppies, either. Now I'm not saying that I don't WANT to fart. But I don't do it in front of anyone but Mr. Toilet. That's it. So hate me if you will. Oh. yeah. And if you want to verify this with my husband, he WILL tell you that I DID fart ONCE in our 25 years of marriage. I was sleeping.

    P.S. Maybe I'd be skinny if I farted. I'm just saying....

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  31. I have never seen you write letter...too funny. And the last one is what happens here 24/7 (un less they are gone at school)..drives me CRAZY!

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  32. lol...i loved them all! and i totally fart in front of the hubs...i consider it bonding!!

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  33. I can hardly wait for LOST to get back on!!!!!!!!

    And I voted for you on Babble.

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  34. hahahahaha at the underwear one. Is there any man alive who is physically capable of putting his dirty underwear in the basket? I really don't think so....

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  35. So now I know why my dieting sucks, I need Man vs. Wild! In the morning, I will have an award waiting for you at my place, I hope you'll stop by to pick it up!

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  36. I love it! I have had these internal thoughts so many times. Love the way you expressed it - particularly loved the one about The Lovely Bones!!!! Too funny!

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  37. Laughing, laughing, laughing. Can't pick a fav between Natalie's mess, Tommy's inappropriate language or your not so nice panties. All good stuff. I mean REALLY GOOD STUFF. Freakin' hilarious!

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  38. I had to laugh about the fart letter! As disgusting and weird as it may sound, I knew that S was hubs material when I was comfortable enough to fart around him. LOL! Sorry but it happens.

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  39. I totally cracked up at "popped out a fluffy" Do people actually say that?

    Love all the letters!

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  40. Conan vs Jay - I want Conan to stay, now, too. I hafta tell ya, bitterness makes Conan hilarious!

    That guys drank poop water? Nastiness.

    Pooped out a fluffy? Is that better than saying fart somehow? What if they shart? Then what's it called?

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  41. 1. If you want a copy of The Lovely Bones, send me (in an email) your address and I'll send you mine. I'm getting rid of books and if I know you'll enjoy it, it would make me happy, and since reading your blog every day makes ME happy, I figure I should return the favor.

    2. I used to fart in front of my ex when I was pissed off. Because it totally grossed him out. He deserved it. I fart in front of the boyfriend now and blame it on whatever because he's 19 and still finds farts funny. Outside of that, I will fart in the bathroom like there's no tomorrow and not apologize, because that's what bathrooms are for. Or at least the exhaust fans in them.

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  42. Man vs. Wild makes me nauseous. And Ben loves it. He watches it before bed so I go to bed wanting to hurl.

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  43. I don't even want to think about how a person would get water from an animals poop. Yuck.

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  44. I love these - Nat is SOOOOO naughty! What a mess!!! And I don't know what forum you hang around in, but run away. REAL women don't 'pop out fluffies' and if they did. . .they'd be in the hospital (I hope)

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  45. Oh, that half.com thing is infuriating! I once bought a bathroom set (like cup, toothbrush holder, soap dish, wastebasket) and had mentally redecorated my entire bathroom around it.

    Waited and waited, emailed and emailed, left negative feedback, nothing. Finally a month later the chick emailed that she'd had a death in the family, and then couldn't find the set.

    Grrrrr!

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  46. I love your "letter" posts, so funny!!

    If the movie made you paranoid you probably shouldn't read the book. I had a hard time with that book and I can read almost anything. It was just too well written, the death scene is disturbing to say the least. I can't even imagine reading it now that I am a mother and honestly I don't think I could go watch it without locking my kids in the house forever and ever!!!

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  47. you. are. hysterical!! definitely bookmarking your blog! thanks for making me laugh :-)

    *from SITS

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  48. "Popped out a fluffy"? BAHAHA. PLEASE tell me this person was serious! (Sufficient distraction from poop water... ew.)

    I'm definitely stealing that. xD

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  49. Between you and Mimi from Living in France, I have cackled Julia Roberts style more in the last 5 minutes than I have all week.

    Popped a fluffy? Ew.

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  50. Team Conan here and Lost would be confusing if it wasn't confusing! Does that make sense? Love it, no clue what is ever going on though!

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  51. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! I loved this post. The farting thing is too funny, and I totally agree!!

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