Thursday, February 4, 2010

An E-mail to Tom

Dear Tom,

I’m trying to get myself in the habit of e-mailing you since you’ll be leaving in August for Korea. When you’re in Korea, I plan on e-mailing you a lot just in case we aren’t able to speak. And if we are able to speak, we have to work out the time difference because, Tom, I love you dearly but I cannot wake up at four AM to talk. The conversation would come out like this:

You: Hi, how is it going?

Me: Blarrgggggggg…..

You: What? I didn’t get that.

Me: BLARGGGGGGGG

I seriously cannot carry a conversation that early, Tom, I just can’t. So if e-mailing is all we can do, so be it. We can pretend like we’re Internet lovers or something. I know you roll my eyes when I suggest things like this but really, it could be fun. (I still think one day you should knock on the door with flowers and say that you’re my date, ready to whisk me away. It’s not weird, Tom, it’s called being sweet. If you tell me one more time that because we’re married you don’t have to court me anymore I may have to throttle you. And not just for saying that, but for using the word court in 2010.)

Anyhow, I’m writing to you to say that you produce loud children. I’m not kidding. I was in the middle of folding laundry—don’t laugh, I really do fold the laundry, I don’t always just stuff it in the drawers. I mean, okay, most of the time I stuff things in the drawers because I don’t see the point in folding them. Like underwear. Why bother to fold underwear? It’s a waste of my time. As I was FOLDING some pants, I heard a scream from downstairs. I know you always say never to leave the kids alone but I had put on Nick Jr and assumed the strange show Max and Ruby would entertain them. I know we’re always wondering where Max and Ruby’s parents are—maybe they’re upstairs folding laundry in every episode? Who knows?

When I heard the scream, I hurried downstairs. I found Natalie on her knees with her face buried in her hands. Tommy was covering his ears because you know how he can’t take loud noises.

“What happened?” I shouted. I assumed that someone was injured.

Natalie peeked up. She appeared to be unharmed. “Tommy hurted Snow White,” she sobbed. Then, as if remembering the pain she felt she repeated, “TOMMY HURTED SNOW WHITE!” and burst into fresh tears. Seriously Tom, I think she has a future in acting.

“Tommy, what did you do to Snow White?” I asked calmly.

Tommy pointed to the couch.

And that’s when I saw her.



Well, the bottom part of her.

Tom, please explain to your son not to stuff Snow White into the couch. I mean, suppose he tries to shove a real girl in the couch like this? Don’t we want him to grow up being sensitive and caring? Don’t roll your eyes, Tom, it’s okay if a man is sensitive and caring.

I pulled Snow White free and handed her to a sniffling Natalie.

“Sorry. I didn’t like the way she was watching me,” Tommy explained.

Is that normal? Should we be concerned? Should I book an appointment with a psychologist? I mean, I guess it’s normal. I once had to take down a photograph of Jonathan Brandis that I had hanging in my room when I was around thirteen or so. I had pulled it out of a Tiger Beat magazine and after I had taped it to my wall, I swore Jonathan was watching me. So I took it down. (Poor Jonathan committed suicide a few years back. May he rest in peace.)

So that was my day. How was yours?

I love you,
Amber

PS. Do the catbox.

50 comments:

  1. love the email idea-- great way forward I think, 4 am in not really a good time to catch up.

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  2. If he's using the word court, then he most definitely should show up at the front door with the suit and flowers!

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  3. I know how he feels. I've got some posters up in my room, one of which is the Beatles with huge close ups on their faces and sometimes I can't get right to sleep because John Lennon is staring right at me and it creeps me out a little more because he's been dead for 30 years.

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  4. Please don't tell me people actually fold underwear. Or towels. or sheets. or make the bed. They are all useless tasks, and I might judge someone for doing that and judging people isn't very nice, but it is my one downfall. So, I would really rather be left in the dark on this one. But, thank you for validating my concerns in this matter.

    Girl, you crack me up!

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  5. i'm still stuck on the fact that tom used the word court... sounds rather gentlemanaly of him!!!

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  6. Where ARE Max & Ruby's parents? I have wondered the same thing. You only ever see the grandma. Weird.

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  7. I've always wondered where M&R's parents are. Also, they sure do venture out a bunch. Off to the store they go to buy grandma a present, and to another store to buy max a new shirt...or Ruby a dress...The last one I saw, Ruby was making a cake for grandma and she sent Max to THE STORE ALONE to buy her ingredients, like 3 different times...AND, they take PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I have nothing against PT, but if I was on a bus and I saw a toddler who can hardly communicate and a 4ish or 5ish year old, alone, with no parents, I would lose my shit. LOSE IT.

    Also, Ruby is SO naggy to Max. "Don't touch that, Max", "Go stand by the tree and play alone, Max". Don't make eye contact with me, Max"...okay, I made that last one up, but seriously. They just freak me out.

    Also, I don't fold underwear either. Why bother?

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  8. Oh! I said to myself: What the f**k is that??
    lol
    Poor snow white.

    and 4 am is grounds for divorce.

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  9. I love these glimpses into married life.

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  10. Can he take the cat to Korea? It only seems fair.

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  11. Hmmmm, it's too early to tell about the whole needing a psychiatrist thing. Now if he starts stuffing Natalie in the couch, then yes definitely call the psychiatrist!

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  12. He should write a letter back for you to post!

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  13. Come on, some buys like their girls standing on their heads with legs spread. (at least he left her clothes on this time)

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  14. You are SO funny!!

    I'm so glad you are "weird" like me. Yes, you're weird. It's a good thing. Blame it on your husband; I have a Tom too.

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  15. I've met people who iron underwear, now that's freaky. Great post. ;P

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  16. Does he READ them? And if he READS these letters, does he respond?

    LOL. Snow White cracked me up.

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  17. Hey, don't make fun of "courting." It connotes the kind of romantic stuff we love, like flowers and candy and dates. Tell him he rocked at courting and you want to see that side of him again (especially between now and August).

    Or...I've heard it suggested that if you want your guy to give you flowers, you should give some to him. He may not appreciate them, but he'll start to get the idea. Or...get them for yourself and put a card "from him."

    So many possibilities....

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  18. You don't even need to email. He can just read your blog so that you can kill 2 birds with one post.

    Do the cat box, Tom. And DON'T EXPECT TO BE THANKED FOR IT. :)

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  19. well its a good start.....sorry bout snow white!

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  20. I love your letters! How long does Tom have to go away for? Hopefully not too long.

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  21. It is good to practice these things. :)

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  22. Tom is lucky to have such witty emails to read. Unfortunately with the catbox, he may respond like I did to my fiance today. He sent me a text asking me to move my car before he returned from work. I pretended I didn't check my phone. (Sorry honey!)

    And Tommy is totally right. Dolls can really seem like they are watching you. Just don't let him watch Child's Play or he may be scarred for life. I think that's where my fear stems from. Also, my sister used to have a Seaquest with dear Jonathan on it, and he was definitely watching us.

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  23. ha! i loved jonathan brandis!! ;)

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  24. I feel that I should point out to you should know that you really can't insist he change the cat litter once he gets to Korea. The man will be busy, for goodness sakes!

    Thanks to you, and your little ones, for always making me smile!

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  25. This is too funny. I'm not sure which is funnier, your daughter being that upset by Snow White getting shoved in the cushions, or your son being so concerned at the way SW was looking at him!

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  26. First off, when you look at the thumbnail of Snow White's lower half it looks like a thong. A really large thong.

    This cracked me up and would be perfect to link up tomorrow to my Letters of Intent!

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  27. I had to look long and hard to figure out what that was at first...okay, then I got it. She was stuffed inside the sofa upside down. Some of those dolls do stare a little bit too intensely so maybe he was just freaked out by that.

    Before we were married, my hubby had to go on a 3-week business trip to Australia and because of the time difference we couldn't talk much on the phone. But we e-mailed a lot...and some of those e-mails got to be x-rated. We had a good time with it!! You and Tom should do the same!! It'll make you feel like you're dating all over again!

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  28. hehe very cute! Dolls can be creepy. I know, I have 3 daughters which translates into ALOT of dolls.

    I will admit it...I fold my husband's underwear. Otherwise, he'd NEVER find them, blame me for not washing them...etc etc...so his get folded. Mine do not and neither do my daughters'. I don't make my bed, though. Complete waste of time!

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  29. Tom will be proud of his son and the Snow White Abuse I am sure

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  30. Your blog pulls me out of the funkiest days. You really crack me up. I mean seriously.

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  31. Is this just a subtle way of ensuring that Tom's the one setting HIS alarm for 4am to speak to you?!

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  32. well if snow white wasn't so creepy he wouldn't have to do that!

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  33. Blarrggg....

    I can see the romance will continue when he is away. x

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  34. Oh...my...GOODNESS!!!! You are FUNNY!! I can't tell you how much I needed this morning laugh, THANK YOU! I hope Snow White is recovering peacefully and that some semblance of order has been returned to your home.

    I actually feel your daughter's pain, though. I'm one of five children. Sadly, we were all extremely loud (I think it was the only way to get noticed, actually!). My clearest memory is of my Dad, palms down, slowly descending his hands, face squished, saying "SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

    Thanks for the laugh! I your new biggest fan!

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  35. Hmm.. just like in that song by Journey...

    "...softly we whisper, here in the dark, how could our love be so.. blaaaaargggg"

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  36. That drives me crazy that Max and Ruby don't have parents...I've even considered devoting an entire blog to it..THAT is how disturbing I find it!

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  37. Stopping by from SITS and so glad I did. Also glad someone else in the world understands proper use of the word "BLARG" and that is is multifunctional.

    On another note, perhaps this picture says A...LOT about our dear friend Snow White. All is not glitter that shines.

    LOL Woofy Woo! Have a great day!

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  38. my little darlings swapped the heads on my little pony and barbies. so we have these beautiful horses with flowing blonde hair and very ugly barbies with snouts. I feel your pain.

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  39. Hilarious! I love these letters. Stopping by from SITS...which I end up doing almost everyday. I'm just going to save myself some time and add your button!

    I'm going to send my hubby an email and remind him about the catbox too!

    ~Kay
    Tickled Pink Twice
    Sew, What's Next?

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  40. Ridiculously funny!
    I loved it!
    I am adding your button to my blog!

    www.thewannabewahm.com

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  41. JB killed himself?!?! Where was I and how did I not hear about that?! *tears*

    ~WM

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  42. Too funny. And I'd like to read what Tom would write back to you!

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  43. Oh I totally get that. My brother in law turns around dolls and figurines because they look at him.

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  44. My husband is looking at me like I'm crazy because I'm laughing hysterically (tears and everything) at the Snow White picture. Good stuff.

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  45. Poor Snow White...was she giving Tommy the stink eye?

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  46. i am so with tommy on this one. I don't like the way snow white is looking at me either. I would stick her in the couch.

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  47. I'm wondering if that's the same Snow White that Hunter has which sings, and drives me NUTS!!

    Cute email. :)

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