Friday, February 5, 2010

The Kevlar Tires


They don’t really thrill me, you know? But they thrill my husband Tom.

He needed new tires for his truck. So we went to Sears and he looked around.

And he looked.

And he looked.

Oh, and he looked.

“Jesus Tom, what are you looking for? If you’ve seen one tire, you’ve seen them all!” I moaned beside him. Seriously, I was trying to keep my mouth shut. But he’d stare at a tire, rub his chin, make this “hmmmm” sound, and then step over to the next tire. If he continued on at that pace, we’d be in the store for hours.

“I want to make sure I make the right choice,” Tom mumbled, stroking his chin again.

Then a Sears worker approached and they started speaking tire back and forth.

I was bored.

And I was trying to get Natalie to stop climbing on the display tires.

“I climb,” she’d say proudly and I’d have to scoop her up. Of course this pissed her off so she’d start to thrash and Tom still stood there LOOKING AT THE TIRES. It must be nice to shop and tune out everything. When I shop I still have to focus on the kids. But no, Tom was in the Land of Tire.

“And this tire is lined with Kevlar,” the Sears worker was saying.

You’d have thought that he had said that Megan Fox came free with a set of four tires or something. Tom’s face just lit up. I guess Kevlar is a magic word for men.

“Kevlar,” Tom repeated, doing the chin stroke thing again. He touched the Kevlar tire tenderly. “Kevlar.” It was like he was in a trance. I suppose I can understand. I get that way when I first step into Barnes and Noble. It’s like I can’t believe that there is a place filled with my two favorite things: books and cheesecake.

“I want the Kevlar lined tires,” Tom practically drooled.

“Wow, wow,” I cut in. “How much?” It really is a good thing I come with Tom when he makes big purchases. He seriously could be swindled. If he wants something, he just starts to hand over his credit card. He doesn’t even ask about any discounts.

We were told the price—it was pretty much what I estimated for a big honking truck—and then we told the guy that we’d come back when we got Tom’s bonus in.

Tom was a little crestfallen. “Not now?”

“Not now, Tom,” I said, pulling him from the store.

A few days later we had the bonus and we were back in Sears.

“I want the Kevlar tires,” he said proudly to the worker.
“I’m sorry. We’re out of stock. We can order them for you,” Tom was told.

You’d have thought that the worker had told Tom that there was no such thing as sex anymore by the look on his face. He wanted the Kevlar tires NOW.

“Are there any other tires you were interested in?” the worker continued.

Tom took out a piece of paper that he had scribbled other tires on. He had done his research, I give him that, and he found that the Kevlar tires had good ratings. He also wrote down other tires just in case.

“What should we do?” Tom’s voice broke into my thoughts. I had been daydreaming about the latest Lost and was trying to make sense of it all. Was Tom really asking me what we should do about the TIRES? Doesn’t he realize that I know nothing about tires? I’ll walk into a store and go, “Will the tires get me from Point A to Point B? Yes? Can I get a discount? Yes? Then put ‘em on.”

“Huh?” I said dumbly. I took Natalie off a tire.

“What should we do? Get another tire? Or order the Kevlar ones?” Tom shrugged.

He seriously was asking me.

“Do what you want. It’s your truck and your tires,” I answered.

“I hungry,” Natalie said, giving me a pointed stare. She was giving me the Look that said, “I’m being polite now but if you make me wait another five minutes, I’m going to scream until my face turns an unhealthy shade of purple.”

“Just…make a decision, we have to eat,” I added.

Tom picked another tire that apparently got one point higher than the Kevlar ones.

“Those are also out of stock,” the worker said.

Tom sighed. I bet he wanted to shout, Can’t a man get some FREAKING tires around here? “Order the tires,” Tom said, deflated. Poor guy.

We ate at Chilis for dinner. The thing that bugs me about eating out is that when Tom’s food comes, he immediately starts to dig in.

“The children!” I’ll always say. “You have to help the children with their food first.” Why doesn’t he get this? He’s had a kid for seven years now. Why doesn’t he get that he has to cut up their food before he can eat? The kids come first. THE KIDS COME FIRST.

“Oh. Right,” Tom said, setting down his burger. He reached over and helped Tommy squeeze out some ketchup. You have to do it for Tommy, otherwise Tommy goes ketchup happy and gets it everywhere. (He’s usually in charge of Tommy, I’m in charge of Natalie when we go out to eat though sometimes I’m stuck taking care of them both when he starts to pig out on his food.)

When we got home, Tom was still in a bit of a funk. He sat down in front of the computer and half heartedly started to play a game.

Then the phone rang.

It was a man asking for Tom. I passed the phone over.

“Is it work? It’s probably work,” Tom sighed, taking it.

It wasn’t work. It was Sears, saying that the tire Tom ordered was actually discontinued. And that oh, they actually DID have four Kevlar tires in stock if he wanted them.

I didn’t know this was what they were saying obviously. I just saw Tom’s face brighten and he went, “Really? REALLY? Awesome. Yes. I’ll be right down.” Then he hung up and rushed to grab his keys.

“Hello?” I said, following him. “What’s up?”

And he told me.

“I get my Kevlars!” he yelled as he ran outside.


He came home about two hours later. I had just finished giving Natalie a bath and was drying my arm off. When I give Natalie a bath I feel like I get one too.

“They’re on!” Tom said. “Do you want to see?”

“I can see tomorrow,” I said, hanging the towel up.

Tom frowned. “Tomorrow?” He looked surprised. “No, you have to see them now. They’re beautiful.”

Beautiful? Huh?

I gave in because I figured he’d be rambling on about the stupid tires if I didn’t. When I saw them I nodded. “They’re….nice,” I offered because what in the world do you say about tires?

“And?” Tom pressed.

And what?

“Rubbery?” I continued. “They look…bigger.” Men love it when you say things of theirs are bigger after all.

“Not really bigger. Just wider. What else?”

What else?

What did he MEAN what else? I already said they were nice, rubbery, and bigger. What more did he want from me?

“Er….the grooves are nice?” I added. It was true. The tires did have nice grooves.

“The better to travel through snow and ice,” Tom said proudly. It was like we were discussing his kid or something.

“Can I go in now?” I begged. It was cold and I was sick of staring at a tire.

“Yes,” Tom agreed. He remained outside for a few extra seconds. I think he was gazing lovingly at his new tires.

That night we did the nasty and afterwards a horrified thought passed through my brain. What if he was thinking about the tires as we were….you know. But no….surely not…

“What’s up? You look weird,” Tom observed.

Normal people would say something like, “Penny for your thoughts.” Tom says that I look weird.

“I just…you didn’t picture your tires as we…you know…”

Tom laughed. “Ew. Gross! What do you take me for?” He pulled me close and kissed me on my head. “Although, now that you mention it, they are beautiful tires, huh?”

Oh for the love of God.

Would you like to see the beautiful tires?


Don’t they just look like TIRES to you? (And oh, Tom wants me to let you know that the blue paint on the tires will rub off and normally he likes his truck shinier but it’s been too cold for him to wash it. *Insert eye roll here*)


  1. I can relate to the man digging into his food without helping the kids first. I'm impressed that yours will actually pause to help his children. Mine will not only not pause, but he will start grazing off the kids' plates when he runs out of food. I've explained that the kids need more than five minutes to eat, but he argues they're too slow. Argh!

    And they look like tires. Meh.

  2. Yep, they just look like tires to me. Men have to find something to be excited about.

  3. Men. They are such a strange breed. Who gets orgasmic over tires??

  4. My husband acts like that over computers. Although we did get new tires a few months back (non-Kevlar, I think, we got cheap ones) and he wanted me to come out and take a look. Oh, wow, they're.... tires.

  5. Well. . .I don't get it, but I'm glad he's happy!

  6. But, I guess they will take him from point A to point B. But so would those tires that cost a quarter as much. And why Kevlar? Is someone going to be shooting at his tires?

  7. Too funny! It took my husband a month to pick out new tires for his car! Luckily he did not drag me and the boys out with him!

  8. Hilarious! My husband had to get new tires recently and I had to go admire them for him too. Must be a guy thing.

  9. Nice wheels! Is he gonna let you drive the truck when he is in Korea?? Or will he hide the baby key? Have a great weekend.

  10. Isn't kevlar the thing they wear in vests to not get shot? Why is that in tires?

  11. I grew up in the South, Redneck country. Don't tell Tom...but...those are pretty regular ordinary tires. I've seen some impressive tires before.

    I do find it strange he babies his truck more than he does you or the kids. The first time he said I looked weird, I would say something back just as annoying until he broke the habit. Amber you have the patience of a Saint. (Hugs)Indigo

  12. I don't want to be too hasty, but this may be my favorite post of yours.

    I just bought a car and needed new tires. Because I don't give a flying rat's ass about tires (or know anything about them), I let my dad choose them because he loves that stuff. He went to Sears and it was the same thing.

    "We have a sale on tires! What? Oh, not on those. Or those. Those are out of stock. Do you want these? They're good and twice as expensive!"

    I'm really glad he didn't picture the tires during your extracurriculars.

  13. You really crack me up! I love your stories!
    When I was MUCH younger and still living at home, my dad told me my car needed new tires. I asked him how much they would cost and he said "oh, probably $400" and I said "I can't afford that!" because I thought he meant PER TIRE. Oops! :)

  14. Gorgeous (eye roll) tires!
    Probably men think the same about the stuff, we are thrilled about.
    That's why we go shopping separately.

  15. Oh my Good Lord!! I swear I just went through this with my spouse and tires for my Equinox!! No shit....he spent hours researching the tires, where he can get them...and on and on and on... Bless have the patience of a saint!!

  16. This is so funny! My husband researched tires for WEEKS before he decided what to get and then STILL second guessed if they were the right ones. WHAT?! I could NEVER be a guy. Ever.

  17. Luckily, my husband doesn't know beans about tires, cars or tools. Computers and their parts on the other hand...well, let's just say I feel your pain. If you've seen one hard've seen them all!

  18. "Rubbery" HA HA HA HA HA Honestly, what else were you supposed to say?! I guess maybe they feel the same way when we buy new shoes?

  19. Uh... you're asking ME about tires? Figure if you had to be torchured with tires, you'd share the torchure with us? They're... um... tires. It's a nice shade of black. Actually, they look a little small for the truck. Maybe you should keep that one to yourself though.

  20. I might be a sucker, but I take the dealer's recommendation for tires. I'm trusting/naive.
    I just can't see 'tires'

    Now, a computer or a printer or camera maybe or tv. yeah we got a tv recently and I did research that up the ying yang. but tires? nah

  21. did he picture them when... lol. Thats a true man for you.

    Yes they look like tires..sheesh

  22. Oh my, oh my! Boys and their toys... They can be so one-dimensional... My hub lives for his gadgets and power tools. Any project is worth taking on if he can justify a new power tool out of it.

    And I KNOW he fantasizes about new camera lenses during sex... No doubt about it! (Objects may appear larger...)

  23. So, if the tires are lined with Kevlar are they bullet proof? Because that's what bullet proof vests are made of right? How many people try to shoot out Tom's tires on a daily basis?? They don't look any different than regular tires to me.


  24. I'm with you, sister. Tires are tires are tires are tires are *yawn* tires.

  25. It's no wonder you have 659 followers; this blog is about the funniest thing I've read in a decade! Seriously, I'm sitting here crying laughing - I can't even pick a favorite post, they're all so SO GOOD. You are a fantastic writer! I went back and read your first post, back in 2005, and wonder how the publishing is going? Come visit it you like Thanks for a great read!

  26. My hubby is the same way with tires! Lol...he looks at the like I look at shoes! Have a great weekend!

  27. with Kevlar, eh?? I bet those cost a pretty penny!! I think they look great (this coming from the daughter that my father thought was a son)! Yeah, I know...I'm odd...but I like em!


  28. Boys get so distracted over the weirdest things.

    TIRES?!? Ugh.

    You are seriously the nicest person ever. I would beat my husband if he ignored me or our (unborn) children to stuff his face. Manners, honey.

  29. haha THANK God that I haven't had to buy tires with my husband yet, however...he IS just like this when it comes to computers.'s bad! Luckily, we just did buy some so it should be at least a year before we'll "need" a new one. :P Men! I do agree...they look like tires, though, as previously posted a bit small for the truck. ;) I love your writing!

  30. This post was EPIC. So wonderful, really. Just says so much about you guys, your relationship, keeping a sense of humor and not taking yourselves too seriously, the give and take of marriage, etc. AND it was hysterical. And it included sex (but avoided tire-fetish sex, thank you very much. You guys should have a show.

  31. OK, my creativity for funny, enlightening comments has left me tonight. All I can say is, I feel like I am in the room with y'all everytime I read one of your posts. Except when you're doing the nasty of course- I leave when you're doing that.

  32. Oh my gosh, that was so funny. I can't tell you how much that post reminded me of my husband. The only difference is that instead of tires it's speakers. Lord help me! And the questions are: How do they sound? Good. And? "Um, clear." Then we move on to different settings: Listen to this, here's 1 and here's 2. Hear the difference? I learned to never say no to that question as it would entail a forty minute session of flipping back and forth.

  33. Oh look! Tires! They're round! New! Black! Yipee! I'm so happy for Tom. You let him know, ok?

    I don't know if I could believe that he wasn't thinking of tires when you were "getting down". He seemed awfully excited to get those tires. I'm just saying.....

  34. This is too funny. Let me say first that only a man would even want Kevlar tires. Do they think terrorists will try to slash them? Or maybe the truck will be involved in some Starsky and Hutch kinda car chase? I think the last time we got new tires (for my hubby's big-ass truck) we spent more on them than we did our son's first car! Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

  35. when i read kevlar... i knew it was on like donkey kong!!!

  36. WOW, those are the most beautiful, rubbery, groovy, nicest tires I've ever seen in my life! How did you get so lucky to own those finely crafted wheels? Haha men...

  37. Yep, just tires, but I'm sure my hubby would be impressed...we go through the same thing when it's time for tires. Men's brains are just wired differently.

  38. Oooo... I'm just impressed with the shiny truck. My black SUV looks tan due to the huge amount of wintery slush all over it! Pretty tires, I suppose for a tire. You can't beat a winter tire though.. Especially with a steep drive. You can't appreciate it until you've driving with all-weather radials. They suck. I have Blizzaks (sp?) PS... you husband might read this comment like it is porn. * boom-chaka-bow-wow * (my porn music)

  39. LOL, freakin awesome post. And yes, it looks like tires to me but what do I I will NOT however be telling hubby about the Kevlar tires because you know he would have to get them today to show them off tomorrow to his buddies during the Super Happy SITS Sharefest!!

  40. I'm giving you a sunshine award over at my blog!

  41. hahahaha!!

    Now, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. I have to bookmark you, you funny lady!! :)

  42. FYI...I left you some Sunshine over on my blog :) Come and grab it!

  43. Oh that is a story I love

    he got his kevlars

    you should be good for a few months... go to gymboree

  44. Oh my gosh. I laughed out loud so hard my lap, and thus my laptop on my lap, was jumping around and I've have to stop and breathe so the computer would steady and I could keep reading.

  45. Yep, they are tires. I was nodding the whole way thru the post cause you just put down exactly what happens when Jon and I have to buy new tires. Only Jon always blows the budget. We have a four tires on the 14 year old truck that were $1400. Probably worth more than the truck, I told Jon. He looked at me like I just killed a puppy. Glad Tom got his tires. :)

  46. men are sometimes like a whole different species. My brother and father are like that too. They drool over tires for cars and ATVs.

  47. Wow, they look just like ...... tires :)

  48. Yep, they look like tires.... when we go to a restaurant, I ask hubby whether he wants to sit with my daughter or son... if he picks the 11 year old girl he will be repeatedly subjected to playing rounds of Tic-tac-toe and SOS etc... if he sits beside the toddler he is responsible for feeding and keeping him happy...

  49. BTW - I linked to this post on my blog today - come and check it out if you have a chance ;)

  50. Giggle...this is funny. They are lovely tires. *snicker*

    And you know he was thinking about the tires.

  51. It is the same thing with Builderman when he needs new tires and it is just soooo unfair how much truck tires cost.

    Oh, and just last night he was looking at some pictures our daughter had posted to Facebook. Was he worried about where the pictures were taken or who the people in them were? Oh HELL no! Builderman was worried about the stack of tires in the background (they were really nice tires).

  52. Those are some hot tires.
    actually, they just look like tires to me. Sorry Tom.

  53. Kevlar?! Seriously?! The sales guy didn't make that up? *shaking head*

  54. Haha! I think we're married to the same man.
    I feel for yah, girl.
    What's worse for me, though?? My Mom has worked in the tire department at Sam's forever. You should hear the two of them talk. It makes me gag.

    Tell Tom his truck looks amazzzzing with those Kevlar tires! I was so enamored by them, I barely noticed the dull shine on the truck! ;)

  55. Just loved this post... coming from SITS. Random, but are you going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Baltimore?

  56. Oh, men and their toys, huh? Mine is infatuated with a Sears product, too. A Craftsman snowblower. I tell you, we needed it, with 30+ inches of the white stuff on the ground! SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did...

    Snow Emergency

  57. I have never heard of such a thing as Kevlar tires! PLEASE do not tell my husband! Sometimes I am truly amazed by the crap that he comes up with that we simpily must spend money on.

  58. Gosh, I've never even heard of Kevlar tires! He sounds like my dad though, he's all about car stuff. Me, I hate cars right now!

  59. boys only like kevlar because that is what they make bullet proof jackets out of...Seriously, when i sold tupperware and told the guys of the house the microwaveable products were made of a bullet proof materials they always insisted the wives buy it. whether they needed it or not. Bullet proof is as good as gold!

  60. Oh my! I was giggling all through this post! Thanks for the laughs. Boys and their toys!

  61. Ok, so I know it's kind of weird to comment on a post that is so old, but I just had a conversation that immediately reminded me of this post and I had to share. My SO (that would be Significant Other) just bored me to tears with a conversation about these amazing hockey gloves that he found for sale on eBay that are VINTAGE (1990) and that they DON'T MAKE ANYMORE. And the real kicker, they're made with leather and KEVLAR! Which means they will last FOREVER (15 years, give or take). After droning on and on about the wonders of these materials and the quality of these gloves, my SO noticed that I had "zoned out" and proceeded to compare them to my favorite wish-list dream item, Frye boots. I'm sorry, but even bringing Fryes into the conversation isn't enough to make me pay attention or give a rat's ass. Thought you could appreciate that story.

  62. You have a very good sense of humor, and your post made me laugh all the way! Haha! I can relate with Tom's fascination with the car and the wheels. It's a man's toy, in simple words. Well, those are nice wheels, and the Kevlar tires will give you added protection against rough terrain and objects that might otherwise puncture other tires, although for a much higher price. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your read. More power to you! :)

    Rita McCall


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