Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ahem Ahem Ahem

Ahem Ahem Ahem Tom went.

He said his throat was sore and he was just trying to clear it.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

It wears on ones nerves to hear this noise for over an hour, let me tell you.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom,” I said, my voice tense. “Can I get you something? A Halls? A Ricola?” I wanted to add, “A sock down your throat so you’ll shut up for two seconds,” but that probably would have been insensitive. The poor guy was sick. But at the same time, the poor guy was seriously irritating the crap out of me.

“It’s just my throat,” Tom said from the computer. “Ahem ahem ahem. I’m trying to clear it.”

“Obviously it’s not working. Just go suck on a Halls or get some soda,” I suggested.

It was quiet for a few minutes. I enjoyed the silence as I sat on the floor. Natalie was doing my hair. And by doing my hair, I mean she was practically pulling it from its roots with her toy Princess brush. But whatever. It was keeping her quiet. I tried not to whimper as she twisted my hair into her plastic curling iron.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom!” I yelped at the same time Natalie pulled some of my hair free with her pretend flat iron.

“What?” Tom answered.

“The aheming is really getting annoying. Could you stop? Doing that won’t clear your throat. Natalie, precious, be gentle. I’d like to have some hair left by the time you’re done.”

“No, I can’t stop. My throat hurts,” Tom whined.

“I’ll make you some soup,” I offered.

“I don’t care for soup.”

He’s the only person I’ve ever met who doesn’t CARE for soup. Who doesn’t care for soup? Soup is like a warm hug when you’re ill.

“Please take a Halls,” I begged.

“Don’t need one,” Tom insisted and then sneezed all over the keyboard. Ew. Did he miss the memo about sneezing into the crook of your elbow?

After I cleaned the keyboard with a Clorox wipe, I went to unload the dishwasher. As I was bent over, Tom came up behind me and started humping my back. Seriously, men have GOT to have a signal in their brain that goes off the second a woman has her ass in the air.

“Hi,” Tom said suggestively. I can almost bet he was wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

I pushed him away gently. “You’re sick,” I said. “I can’t afford to be sick so there will be no sex until you’re better.” Unlike him, I can’t lounge around on the couch and stay on the computer for hours when I’m ill. I once tried to rest on the couch when I had a massive headache and a stuffed up nose and Natalie sat on my face. She didn’t understand the concept that Mommy needed to rest.

“I’m really not sick,” Tom insisted. “Ahem ahem ahem.”

I took a step back. “Gross. You are sick. We can resume...relations when you’re better,” I promised.

“But I’m not...ahem ahem ahem!” Tom rubbed his throat.

I dug into the cupboard and pulled out a bag of Halls. “Take one. For my sanity. Take one now.”

He popped one in his mouth but it didn’t help much.

He was still aheming an hour later.

When Lost was on.

I cannot have distractions during Lost.

I was in the middle of trying to figure out what was going on when..

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom! No noises during Lost!”

“I can’t help it! Ahem ahem ahem.”

“Do you see that man on the TV, Tom? His name is Richard. He never ages. I really need to watch this so I can figure out why this is. So shhhh.”

AHEM AHEM AHEM

It seemed like he was only getting louder.

“Say, how about we tuck you into bed?” I said.

“Are you trying to get rid of me? Ahem ahem ahem.” Tom tried to puff his lip out but as soon as he did, he started coughing wildly.

Oh yuck. I’d have to sanitize the entire house.

Tom thankfully decided to head off to bed though. Of course he tried to seduce me but phlegm is not really sexy. So I passed.

When I came to bed later, I prayed that Tom would be silent so I could get some sleep.

I closed my eyes.

I was about to drift off…..

AHEM AHEM AHEM

Yeah. It was a long night.

56 comments:

  1. The bassy male aheming is the worst.

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  2. Men... I've never understand how they still want sex when they are sick. That's the last thing on my mind.

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  3. Now I'm just saying, "RIIIIICOLAAAAAAAA" over and over in my head. Thank you.

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  4. Yuck. My hubby is sick right now too, but thankfully without the dang ahem-ing. I would kill him.

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  5. My husband always tries to get "busy" with me in the kitchen. Men are weird.

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  6. Bahahahah ah! I agree with the previous comment RIIIIICOOOOLLLLLAAAAA is stuck in my head too :) lol

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  7. My boyfriend doesn't like soup either! Or tea. So when he is sick or has a sore throat, I'm just like, "I don't know how to help you..."

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  8. Sorry, but that would drive me insane as well when hubby clears his throat all the time!

    Right now I'm experiencing some serious coughing spells due to the pollen going around! I've been sneezing non-stop.

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  9. lol what is it with men and doing it in the kitchen!? i swear my husband has a fantasy that involves an apron...and thats about it! :) thanks for the laugh, this post cracked me up!

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  10. Hahahah, so true about the bum in the air ;) There is definitely a signal!!

    And whaaaa, he was trying to ahem during Lost!?! Oh no! That wouldn't flow in my house either. Everyone knows, that on Tuesday's at 9, mommy is OFF LIMITS!

    Jamie :)
    A Forest Frolic A Forest Frolic

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  11. I feel your pain, my husband would do the same thing. ahem.

    As for soup. I only like it if it is tomato or pea soup. I do like home made chicken noodle.
    Good lu ck

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  12. My husband doesn't like soup either. He says that it's just not substantial enough when he's hungry. What a weirdo.

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  13. Next time warm some honey with lemon juice, is great for the cough.
    And the Richard episode was a key one and so emotional.

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  14. This post was hilarious! I wonder how you didn't strangle him!

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  15. you guys are great..

    but seriously.. he doesn't LIKE soup.. i love me some soup!

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  16. My SO tries the same when I am cooking. But I am the one that wants to "get it on" when one of us is sick (minus the flu type sickies) and he always has to be the "responsible one" and tell me no :(

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  17. Wow, he was getting on my nerves just reading it. My husband has a tendency to sniffle. A lot.

    I feel your pain!

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  18. Noises drive me over the edge - particulalry those made by mouths. When my Hubby is sick and sniffling or clearing his throat it takes everything in me not to strangle him.
    Classrooms are the worst though since there are no other noises. Sick classmates creep me out the most!

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  19. I would of sent him to the couch. LoL

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  20. I hate when my husband is sick. The worst thing is that my husband "ahems" all the time. All. The. Damn. Time. It's like a tic or something. It makes me crazy. I feel your pain.

    ♥Spot

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  21. Why are men this way? Why, why, why? I don't think I'll ever understand!

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  22. This is hysterical! Now why do all men do that "ahem" thing? Over and over. Hour after hour! I try to keep Alex a little isolated when he's sick so he won't contaminate the whole damned house (and me). No chance. He has to touch everything with his little germ infested hands. Did we really say "in sickness and in health"? Were we crossing out fingers?

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  23. Omg...this was too funny! I can actually picture the entire scene...it seems so familiar!! Especially the humping part! lmao!!! I hope he feels better soon!

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  24. OMG, nothing annoys more than Tim clearing his throat. And get this...he does it all the time, not just when he's sick. His dad does it too..the same exact loud, annoying sound. Consider yourself lucky that you only have to listen to it when Tim's sick. It could be a 24/7 thing.

    I literally winced as I read about Natalie "styling" your hair. I've been there too with my own kids. I thought someone playing with your hair was supposed to be relaxing??

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  25. I am totally there with you on the fact that men can lay on the couch and rest when they're sick. I got sick the other day though and what does my hubs do? He took our SON outside. Yeah....all well and good, except he seemed to have forgotten the four-year-old daugher and the six-month-old baby. And then he acts shocked when he asks if I got any rest and I day no. I swear....I'm going to leave for a weekend and just let him see what it's all about.

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  26. I have been that same annoying person this week while Ive been sick...Im even annoying myself!

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  27. Oh, thank God. My husband isn't the only one. Why can't he swallow snot like the rest of the world, instead of climbing in and out of bed all hours of the night to spit in the sink.

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  28. My husband is a snot factory. But he doesn't clear his throat, he horks it up and spits. Disgusting.

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  29. Bah!

    Humping in the kitchen, what is up with that? I mean, is it some sort of weird mother-connection we should all be concerned about? If it is, than I would just like to say to all you mothers out there... stop the cycle! Get out of the kitchen and interact with your sons somewhere else! Like... um... well... I got nothing. You're on your own.

    And why hasn't he learned yet? THERE'S NO TALKING/NOISES DURING LOST. I mean, geesh, it's not like it hasn't been on for YEARS!

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  31. Thanks...I have a Ricola commercial stuck in my head, it's gonna be a long night! Lmao...j/k Yeah...I would have tried the sock down the throat while he was sleeping!

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  32. I feel like I say this a lot but I just enjoy you and your writing.

    This makes me think of a Friends episode when Monica was sick and trying to get Chandler to have sex, so she rubbed some Vicks on her chest.

    I hope it didn't get that far at your house.

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  33. Oh man, if his ahems are as loud as my husband's ahems, I feel for you!

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  34. I thought I was the only one who got humped when they unloaded the dishwasher, washed their face, picked up the dirty sock he left on the floor...Men are wired in strange ways...

    highheelhijinks.blogspot.com

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  35. Oh, I would have crammed the halls down his throat!

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  36. Men are the worst when they are sick! Why, dear God, WHY won't they do anything to help themselves?! Halls, soup, tea, Dayquil, Nyquil - just DO something already! UGH! (can you tell my husband was recently sick?)

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  37. My wife's always trying to send me to bed when I'm sick. Does being bored out of your mind cure you, or something?

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  38. Oh darn, poor guy. But you know what, I have found that sex when you're sick can sometimes help it along. Or so I hear.

    p.s. You kilt me with your Chinese food comment.

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  39. Oh Lordie! I feel for yah, girl. We have a blow up air mattress that I put in the living room floor when one of my crew is sick. Hubby is no exception. ;)

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  40. Yea I am with you. Phlem= no touchy.

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  41. I have learned to never bend over, but to squat when hubs is in the room. Ha.

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  42. Ahhhhem never sleeps eh? I hope he feels better now that you guys can get it on! LOL...

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog - I'll definitely be back!

    xoxo

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  43. All I could hear in my mind while reading this was the husband's tiny little grandmother snapping "Robert! Stop breathing!"

    The husband comes from a long line of obnoxious noise makers. He, unfortunately, wasn't spared the trait.

    Drives. Me. Nuts.

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  44. My husband-to-be likes to pull the "But I'm sick!" card when it comes to relations.. I'm sorry, but a grown man whining like a child about how he doesn't feel well mixed with obnoxious throat clearing and the sound of sucking snot back up his nose does NOT turn me on ;) Maybe we need to send a mass memo the male population letting them know that sex while sick is not desired :) Oh and add how we don't like being humped while doing everyday tasks.. mine also likes to sneak up behind me when I am unloading the dishwasher. Hope Tom feels better soon!

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  45. Omg!! So funny!!!! I just found your blog, and this cracked me up. You poor thing. I totally understand. This reminds me of my own hubs. Sigh.

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  46. Very funny post. Thanks for sharing. I'm stopping by from SITS today. Hope you have a better Thursday.

    Anna

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  47. I think the "take one...for my sanity" would probably have gone more like, "Take one...or you will be burried by morning. I promise!"...yeah....that's how it would've happened in my house.

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  48. Just one question: he coughs on the keyboard and you get busy with the Clorox wipes?

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  49. Oh yes, this is almost as bad as chewing! Really, I would've smothered him by morning. And soup? It's the yuck, so I'm with your hubs on that one.

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  50. Confession: I do not care for soup either. I need to see what I'm eating. Who knows what is hiding in soup!

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  51. Anything under a fever of 102 and my husband thinks he is well and wants sex more than ever. WHat is with these men?

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  52. My husband does this whole snorting thing that DRIVES ME UP A WALL! Then he'll sniff, sniff sniff! I'll ask him, "Do you need to blow your nose?"

    "No".

    Snort, snort, sniff, sniff, sniff.

    I'm twitching at every snort and sniff. I can hardly take it. So I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

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  53. Ahem... ahemm... AHEMMM!!!

    :) oh.. and Ricoooooooolllaaaaaah!

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