Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It Bothers Me

“The doctor is running late. He’ll be in....well, when he can,” the nurse told me sweetly before leaving.

Ugh.

I hate when the doctor is running late. If I can show up for my appointment on time, he should too.

Granted, I know it’s not entirely his fault. Sometimes he’s held back by those mothers who ask a billion questions: “what’s that on my kid’s eye, my kid made a weird sound just now, can you hear it? No? I can clearly hear it. It sounded like a wheeze. Here, bend down and you can hear it. That’s funny, he was JUST making that noise. Wait, what’s on his toe? Oh, his nail? Oh, I guess you are right. While I have you, doctor, my daughter has a cough should I give her Tylenol? Could you look at her now?”

Look, I admit I can be somewhat paranoid. I still check to make sure my kids are breathing before I go to bed at night. But I’m not that paranoid.

“This bothers me that we have to wait,” Tommy spoke up, plopping down in a miniature blue chair in the room.

We were at Natalie’s three year checkup. I had to take him because he’s on Spring Break this week. Tommy’s latest thing is using the word “bother” whenever he’s miffed. He’ll latch onto a word or phrase and use it for a week before he drops it and moves onto another one. The past four days he’s been dropping the bother bomb as in “it bothers me when you burn dinner, it makes my food taste weird,” and “it bothers me that Natalie screams and it bothers me even more when I cover her mouth and then she tries to bite my hand off” and “it bothers me when you say I can’t have a cookie. I don’t want an apple instead. It bothers me that you’d even say that.”

Bother, bother, bother.

“It bothers me too, Tommy,” I said dryly as I settled down in the adult sized chair.

Natalie had failed miserably when the nurse had her try to read an eye chart. All Natalie had to do was name shapes but instead she clamped her mouth shut and shook her head roughly.

“What’s this?” the nurse had said, pointing to a circle.

Natalie shook her head.

“What’s this?” the nurse tried again, pointing to a square.

Natalie shook her head.

“Natalie, come on, you know those shapes,” I said.

“What’s this?” the nurse continued.

“A heart!” Tommy called out.

I frowned at him. “Tommy, shhh.”

Tommy scowled. “It bothers me that Natalie won’t say anything!”

Well, you and me both, kid.

In the end the nurse just gave up.

“I bet her eyesight is just fine,” the nurse said, scribbling something into Natalie’s chart. She probably wrote “STUBBORN CHILD!” and underlined it three times.

We waited for the doctor.

And we waited.

And waited.

Natalie had gone through all the books in the room and was bored. She started to climb on the exam table and tried to leap off of it.

I caught her just in time.

“Do you want to crack your head open?” I hissed, putting her on the ground.

“Cool, then we’d see Natalie’s brains!” Tommy spoke up.

I checked the clock. We had been waiting for nearly a half hour.

Then the kids started scooting around in the tiny chairs. They made horrible scraping sounds to the point where a nurse popped her head in and asked if everything was okay. This was her polite way of saying, “Tell your kids to can it.”

“Guys, stop,” I instructed. “The noise bothers me.”

Tommy glared at me. It was as if he was saying, “Hey, that’s MY word, woman!”

Finally, the doctor came in.

“You took a long time,” Tommy said bluntly.

The doctor blanched. “Sorry about that. I’m just running behind.” He went over to wash his hands. “How are you doing, sweetie?” he asked Natalie, who was now hiding behind my knee.

I tried to sit her down on the exam table but she held onto my arms in a death grip.

“Can I listen to your heart?” the doctor asked.

“No thanks,” Natalie answered.

“If you don’t listen to the doctor, Natalie, you’re going to jail!” Tommy sing-songed.

“No brother, you stop that!” Natalie yelled. If he had been next to her, she’d have surely bonked him on the head. That’s HER latest thing: if you say something she doesn’t like, she bonks you on the head.

I had to sit her on my lap so the doctor could look her over.

“I’m just going to feel your belly,” the doctor said, lifting up her shirt.

Natalie lifted her hand. I knew what was coming.

“You stop it,” I warned her because she was all set to bonk the doctor.

Thankfully she listened.

And it turns out she’s perfectly healthy. She weighs 25 pounds, about the same as Giselle Bundchen. (Who, I must point out, has already lost all her baby weight. She quipped in an interview that some people while pregnant act like garbage disposables and eat whatever they want while she was mindful of what she ate. Well lah-di-dah, Giselle. Lah-di-dah.) (By the way. I was a garbage disposable while pregnant. Oops.) (And still sort of am now. Oops again.)

Natalie is also 36 inches. Yes, she’s petite but the doctor isn’t concerned because she’s always been petite.

Some people have said, “I never knew such a noise could come out of someone so tiny,” when they’ve witnessed one of Natalie’s tantrums.

And Natalie is where she should be developmentally for a three year old. It’s always startling to me to hear that a child is on track seeing as what I went through with Tommy (“he’s speech delayed, he should know how to do all of this already, flapping his arms could mean he has something called Autism. Do you know what Autism is?”)

We left after that. I got the kids in the car and the second I started driving off, the fighting began.

“Natalie, that’s MY toy. HEY! Mommy, she just BONKED me. That BOTHERS me!” Tommy yelled.

“NO BROTHER!”

“SHE BONKED ME AGAIN!”

Is Spring Break over yet?

50 comments:

  1. I just love your stories!!!!

    I love Spring Break, I get up in the morning, leave Kyle in the bed and he has to fend for his self all day long...IT's WONDERFUL!!!

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  2. I love reading your stories. I wish I had such an exciting life as you do! LoL

    Your children are so full of personality and they help bring life to your blog :)

    Thanks for sharing this fun story! :)

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  3. I love reading your stories. I wish I had such an exciting life as you do! LoL

    Your children are so full of personality and they help bring life to your blog :)

    Thanks for sharing this fun story! :)

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  4. I think Tommy got to say what we're all thinking, although far more politely.

    "What the f@*$ took you so long?"

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  5. lol...that's funny! (and maybe why I don't have kids!) lol

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  6. You took a long time... lol.. i love tommy, since i am soooo unconfrontational i need him to go around with me.. lol

    you seriously have the funniest and funnest kids ever i think!!

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  7. Your kids are a riot (in a good way)!

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  8. Going to the doctor with two kids in tow is just asking for it. I should know. :) Natalie sounds like a fun kid. And Tommy too! :)

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  9. Sounds like they're BOTH right on track now.

    And you know, I didn't like Giselle before she had a baby and I really don't like her now she thinks she's miss know-it-all.

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  10. you should really warn us not to be drinking beverages when you post stuff like this I will be spending the next 5 minutes trying to clean of my key board. That bothers me lol.
    Seriously I love your adventures.

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  11. I am now thinking I'm glad I only have a parrot! My friends are coming to stay soon with their three kids... my partner has gone into panic mode... I won't let her read this!!

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  12. lol!! I love it! It bothers me too, when doctors are late. And I understand completely about being at the doctors with bored children. I'm about to embark on an adventure tomorrow with all three of mine. My baby has her 4 month checkup and I've gotta take the 3.5 and 2.5 year olds with me. heh...I'm gonna need a drink afterwards.

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  13. Start calling Tommy "Pooh Bear"! You know how Pooh goes around all the time saying, "Oh bother . . ." :)

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  14. I avoid taking all of my kids to the doc office if I can possibly pull it off. Chan (my 2 year old) had to go with me on Ava's 6 month appt. Even though I'd repeatedly told him that the appt was for HER, every single time someone came into the room he'd yell, "NOT ME" at them. Just in case they didn't hear him loudly proclaim it the first 60000000000 times. He was bound and determined to make sure HE wasn't the one getting a shot that day. Thank the Lord that his next appt is still 6 months away.

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  15. Waiting for the doctor with children in tow is a form of torture, you know.

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  16. LOL! This post was sooo funny, and it reminded me of these exact visits. My youngest, who just informed me she now wants to go to graduate school to be a nurse or physician's assistant, used to actually wrestle with the nurse when she tried to swab her throat. Would literally grab her arm and try to get the Q-Tip out of her hand. It got to the point where the nurse remembered her, and would actually frown when she saw us in the room. I won't even go into the scenario when she needed shots... I reminded said daughter of all this and she said it was okay - it wasn't her throat being swabbed - and besides what was the big deal anyway? Ghaaaaa

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  17. OH! I laughed so hard I cried. We just went through this - minus the bother and bonking part. So funny though. We have spring break next week, so I appreciate the heads up. Now I know to brace myself...

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  18. I really hate when doctors are late like that. I think the visit should be free or better yet. They should pay us for waiting on them.

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  19. Here, said the nurse, put this paper gown on too so you can freeze while you wait for the doctor.

    Glad she is healthy

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  20. I might have let her bonk the doctor. That probably makes me a bad person but I don't care. That doctor was late.

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  21. Sounds like a fun trip to the doctor's office! We had to go to the dentist today (Hayden is 3-years-old). Hayden doesn't like going to the dentist - he doesn't like having to lay down. It went okay - but it was definitely not enjoyable. There were tears. But not too much of a bother and no bonking was involved.

    At Hayden's 3-year check-up he was also 36" (VERY petite... and he is a boy).

    I'm glad you "found" my blog and commented - I love your blog.

    I'll definitely be returning!

    - Melissa

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  22. You want to hope that they keep us waiting so long because they're taking care of some medical emergency-- a kid jumped off the garage roof and broke his leg/arm/head/whatever-- but I always rather suspect they're just on the phone with their stock brokers, or working their NCAA brackets. Must be because I worked for doctors for so many years...

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  23. So you read US Weekly too?

    Stupid Gisele and her skinny tight jeans being mindful of what she eats!

    Ok. My girl will be 3 in July and your Dr. appt was a flipping DREAM compared to me.

    Sarah was born with her hip out of it's socket and so that meant many x-rays and trips to the ole doc. Then when that all got fine, her eyes started crossing at age 12 months.

    That meant seeing the eye doc, eye spcialist...etc... basically strangers touching her.

    Throw in a few trips for shots and colds and now they "know" us.

    Sarah cries so hard when we have to go in - she vomits. So now they see us in the waiting room. I have started to write a little letter and just hand it to them because they can't hear me over her sobs!!

    NIGHTMARE!!!

    Her eyes haven't even been able to be examined properly this year because she cries so hard they can't see them to give her a new prescription and they think she needs bi-focals... woe is us. Oh and yes, we still do have to pay for those visits!

    I pray that she is getting older each day and will be able to get through an appointment ANY appointment!

    Her sister on the other hand LOVES the doc. She would go now just for the heck of it if I asked her!!

    Crazy kids!!

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  24. Gotta love the doctors office! :) I agree with above comments. I pretty much love your kids.

    You should have your own reality show. I'd watch :)! But go with TLC its much classier then MTV or VH1! mmmkay?

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  25. Oh bother! lol

    I just had flashbacks from your post. I remember all those fun times in the doctors office! :) Our little girl was very little, always off the chart, still is. They wanted us to do growth hormones but we said no...Brad is on the chart this year so he is getting taller...woohoo!

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  26. I HATE waiting for the doctor, but I LOVE reading about your day-to-day happenings. You are so funny, as well as your kids.

    Natalie is definitely a "little" powerful person!

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  27. I hate it when doctos leave you waiting forever. I feel like billing them for my time.

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  28. LOVE it that the kids speak up and say it like it is - like we are "thinking" it is, but don't always verbalize out loud!! Happy WW!

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  29. We were in the Dr's office just yesterday and made hand puppets with the latex gloves and an old red marker from the bottom of my purse to keep us entertained. My youngest is 13, those Dr. visits never get any better.

    Your kids? They Rock! Telling it like it is!

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  30. Yes. Well, lots of things BOTHER my eldest, too. But his words right now are "Not fair" and "uunnnngggghhh..." Neither of which I like very much.

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  31. I wanted to stand up and cheer when Tommy said, "You took a long time" - LMAO... Can I take him to my next doctor's appointment?

    They could use the pointed words...

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  32. Glad everything went. . .fairly well at her appointment!

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  33. I think I'll be hyper aware of the word bother now.....

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  34. I'm sure that hearing "bother" all the time is starting to, um, bother you, but Tommy is doing a really good job of expressing his feelings with it. I was all grown up when I had to learn to say some version of, "When you do (this specific thing), it makes me feel (disrespected or ignored or whateveer); I would like you to (do this other thing) so I'll (feel better or be able to do my job better or whatever) and we'll all be happier." He's got it just about nailed!

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  35. Oh gosh! I know I shouldnt laugh, but it was just so funny!

    I hate taking all 4 kids to the Dr when I cant get someone to watch them! Ugh, its the worst!!

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  36. Glad you could write such a funny post out of what must have been a rough afternoon!

    I switched pediatricians because I was routinely having to wait over an hour to see any of the docs. Late every once in a while is okay, but this place was doing something wrong. The new doc doesn't even give us time to read one book.

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  37. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

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  38. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

    ReplyDelete
  39. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

    ReplyDelete
  40. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

    ReplyDelete
  41. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ugh...spring break. Good luck. Thanks for making me smile...

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

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  43. Ohhhh! Those doctor appointments. Aren't they the most stressful thing in the world????
    Lindsey Petersen

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  44. Hysterical! Did Gisele Bundchen mention her personal chef, personal trainer at her home gym, etc.? I'm guessing she wasn't making midnight trips to the freezer for Coffee Heath Bar Crunch..Plus she's already a genetic freak! GAH! Not that I take any of that personally (I've gained and lost, what, 200 pounds with three pregnancies?).

    Anyway, glad you survived the doctor. We're headed there in an hour. I'm sure I will be bothered!

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  45. My kids are tiny too...I dont know where they get it from, my left butt cheek weighs 25lbs

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  46. I love how Natalie says no thanks when the doctors/teachers want her to do something she doesn't want to do! And the fact that Tommy tells it like it is, well that's just priceless! They are wuite entertaining, enjoy reading about their antics.

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  47. Your posts are so funny and relate-able!!

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Thanks for the comment!

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