Friday, April 9, 2010

Panties. In My Yard.

Sometimes I let Natalie run around the front yard in the morning.

This helps me wake up, actually. I’ll sit there on the front step and the blast of fresh air usually gives me some energy.

I was doing that yesterday. I was daydreaming about a Big Mac when Natalie suddenly yelled, “Panties!”

Huh?

“Panties!” she repeated, coming over to me.

My heart lifted. Panties! She wanted panties! She wanted to potty train! Yes! You have to understand that Natalie is being ultra stubborn about potty training. Apparently the toilet is beneath her or something.

“You want panties?” I said, leaping to my feet. I was all set to race inside and get a pair. We’ve bought so many: Yo Gabba Gabba, Wonder Pets, Disney Princess, panties with hearts, panties with stars, panties with happy faces....

Natalie shook her head and stared at me as though I were a complete imbecile. “Panties are der,” she said, pointing to the corner of the yard.

Um. Huh?

“Come,” Natalie said, grabbing my hand. She started tugging me to the yard and that’s when I saw them in all their pink glory.

Panties.



Wadded up in our yard.

I immediately started looking all over as though I expected to find a woman strolling along without any undergarments.

But there was no one.

“What panties doing der?” Natalie wondered.

My thoughts exactly.

What WERE panties doing there?

Did Tom have a REALLY good time at work the night before?

Did a woman abruptly decide that she didn’t want to wear underwear today?

Maybe the teenagers that walk across my yard to get to the bus stop dropped them. Perhaps they slipped on a sexier pair and deposited the others? (Ew!)

It’s really windy here, maybe someone was doing laundry and the pink panties decided to make their escape. In my yard.

I had no idea what to do.

For a brief second I contemplated calling 911.

The conversation would probably go something like this:


911 Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Panties.

911 Operator: Excuse me?

Me: Panties. There is a pair of pink panties in my yard and I have no idea where they came from. I’m afraid to touch them because suppose they are diseased? You never know these days. It can be a Bret Michaels Rock of Love type of world and we're just living in it.


And then they’d send out a bomb squad who would cover the panties with one of those tiny glass domes and then blow it up. Sort of what happened on Monsters, Inc when the human sock was blown up.

Well, probably not.

I knew I had to do something though. If I left the underwear then we could get written up. Since we live on base, the outside of homes are inspected weekly. If something is wrong, a citation is given. If you get so many citations, you can get kicked out.

If I left the underwear I’d probably get a citation that said, “Unsightly item in yard.”

I was tempted to knock on the neighbor’s door. But what would I say?

“Excuse me, did you lose a pair of undies?”

I’d probably be arrested because they’d assume I was coming onto them.

I knew I’d have to get rid of them. But how?

I grabbed a sick and tried to pick them up that way.



But then there was a gust of wind and the panties nearly blew right at me.

“Get away, get away!” I shouted, tossing the stick with the panties down.

“Get away!” Natalie repeated.

In the end I snapped on some gloves and scooped up the underwear like it was a pile of poo.



I hope no one comes searching for their britches later.

‘Cause if they do, I’ll have to direct them to my trash can.

My apologies.

86 comments:

  1. Oh my.... what a funny mystery! "The case of the pink panties!!"

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  2. I found a condom behind my car once, in the apartment parking lot. A USED condom. WHAT is WRONG with people?!?

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  3. Hahaha, the bomb squad idea was great!

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  4. OHHHH GAH-ROSSS!!!! (gagging sound here!) When we were spending 4th in Cedar Key FL last year we noticed undwear EVERYWHERE the day after the big celebration. They werent even attractive underwear! There must be a lot of big dirty women livin' there! ick!

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  5. WTF? Gross! I'd have had to don a hazmat suit or something.

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  6. Do people have no shame? Spreading panties about like that. I blame Tiger Woods.

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  7. eeeeeek!!!

    that is SO FREAKY... i would have had the HARDEST time getting them up.. i hardly even like to touch my husbands underwear while doing laundry... lol!

    yuckity yuck yuck!!!

    hope you have a great wkend!!

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  8. Ewwww!! Some people are so gross!

    But....at least you got something to blog about, right??

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  9. Haha. I'm sure that will give Natalie a reason to hate panties even more!

    "Get away!"

    I'd probably have the same reaction as you though if I found panties in my yard.

    Panties don't belong on the ground.

    Neither do pants, though Larry Platt seems to think so. ;)

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  10. Did you hold the bag at arms length and then kick the trash can lid closed?

    I would have.

    You can never be too cautious with pink panties.

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  11. HAHA...Was there a rock concert in your front yard last night?!

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  12. That was incredibly funny and bizarre! Panties in your yard...gack!

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  13. Oh my God! What WERE those panties doing in your yard? Horrors!

    Your imaginary convo with the 911 operator cracked me up.

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  14. oh wow. so is there gonna be a post about you emailing tom saying WTF? I'm just saying if it was me and Chris I would be like new fetish much?

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  15. PANTIES on the ground, Panties on the ground, looking like a FOOL with yo Panties on the ground! LMAO!

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  16. PANTIES on the ground, Panties on the ground, looking like a FOOL with yo Panties on the ground! LMAO!

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  17. Ew. I hate that word. Panties. So icky.

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  18. That is too funny! I guess its better than finding some old mans underwear in your yard...or is it?

    Shane
    www.calgarydaddy.com

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  19. You did look down first and make sure they weren't yours, right? (OK, I'll go no further on that thought)

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  20. With the paranoid state our government is in, they would have blown 'em up with the bomb squad dudes... Have to laff at your fantasy though. :)

    I bet they blew off someone's clothes line... but boy that is soooo boring!! Too bad you didn't at least check out what size they were... Might of given you a hint as to their "previous" owner's identity.

    Now me, I would have said, "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers!" assuming I wore panties of course...

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  21. Thank goodness they weren't YOURS. Can you imagine your underwear somehow finding their way into your yard (dog, wind, laundry drying outside). LOL

    Come visit me! I'm a new Friday Follower.

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  22. That is gross.

    Did you question Tom? Maybe he saw something?

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  23. LOL! I love this! I spent the night at my old boss's house with my husband a few years ago. My boss had a teenage son and Alex and I were close to him as well as his parents. Imagine my surprise when the boss's son Tim walked into my office and said, "Mum said you left a pair of knickers at our house the other night" and whipped out a pair of my panties and handed them to me. My co-workers eyeballed me a bit, but hey, what are you gonna do!

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  24. Only you would find a pair of panties in your yard! I think it's a conspiracy!

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  25. lol, to funny!
    www.thesocialfrog.com

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  26. Double yuck!!! And yes, the word panties is creepy. I have always hated it and refuse to say it. I prefer "drawers" pronounced, "DROZ."

    It's either that or "unduhpantz."

    If you find an argyle sock with a purple cat on it, that's mine.

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  27. Wow I live in Las Vegas and I have never found panties in my yard. Not even a pair of tassles.

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  28. Oh hilarious! I love your stories and the way you write them is fabulous! You'd think whoever lost them would have noticed the cold draught on the way back home now wouldn't you :-)

    As for potty training, my 38 month old daughter is still showing absolutely no signs of interest so I totally sympathize!!

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  29. LMAO @ the bomb squad coming to get them!

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  30. Sweetie, you can only HOPE they blew off someone's wash line... I fear it's more grim than that. Glad you enlisted the old stick-in-the-bag process, to ensure your hygienic safety!

    NOW does Natalie want to try panties??

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  31. Oh, this made me laugh.

    And I hate the word Panties.

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  32. To Kristina P. How about 'knickers'? You're right I don't really like panties. Let me rephrase: I like wearing them, just not saying the word. I prefer underwear--no not the long type with the flap in the back, just the word.

    I think I need another coffee.

    Great post Amber. You need to update your bio now that Natalie is three.

    Shelly

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  33. I too HATE the word Panties. UNDERWEAR. The end. Panties sounds... dirty. Or less like underwear. Ick.

    And underwear in my yard is only a TAD worse than the word Panties. A tad.

    Do you have a laundromat on base? Or laundry lines? Maybe someone is searching for them and will be very chilly down there because you THREW THEM AWAY. tsk tsk

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  34. I think I would have done the same thing. This is really funny!

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  35. Ewww!! I can't imagine finding panties in my yard. I'd probably make Micah pick them up. And I hope you don't mind, but I totally want to steal the "it's a Bret Michaels Rock of Love world and we're living in it" line. Best thing I've heard in ages!!

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  36. Eeeewww....that's just so eeeewww! What on earth would cause someone to just discard their underwear on someone's lawn?

    Never mind...I don't think I wanna know the answer!!

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  37. Ewwwwww g-r-o-s-s...On so many levels! lol

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  38. I'm so glad you took a picture! When you tweeted this, I was thinking: I hope she gets pictures!

    You have really done well with the post in describing the "encounter with the panties." Very well-written...!

    - Melissa

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  39. The world may never know whose they were or where they came from, but we DO know that the most random and bizarre things happen to you. . . *giggle*

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  40. P.S. At least THIS dirty laundry is NOT yours ;)

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  41. EWWWW!!! Glad you thought to use gloves to get rid of them - not that you would have picked them up bare handed - I'm just glad that Natalie didn't choose to pick them up and inspect them closer either-YUCK! :o)

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  42. that's a whole new concept to "Pant(ies) on da ground".....yep it sure is...!!
    This was hysterical!

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  43. Love your post and your daughter too!

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  44. i vote for blew off a clothes line. Were they adult size or kid..

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  45. I can understand your fright. Pink panties! Oh my! Now if they were white granny panties - you'd be safe! LOL! You are hysterical! And now probably Natalie is scarred for life. She will NEVER don a pair of panties. Never I tell you!

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  46. That is the most random thing I've ever heard of. And I've heard some pretty random things by golly.

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  47. crap thats where my unders ended up I just couldn't remember where I lost them jj that was so funny

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  48. Hysterical! Just so freakin' hysterical!

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  49. Too funny. I have to admit. One day at work, my underwear was driving me nuts, I got mad and just took them off. But I threw them away, I didn't throw them in your yard!

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  50. I always have to remind myself that you are somewhere close to a base. My #8 bro bought a house just after leaving the AF and found a pair of panties in his front yard the day we moved him in. Maybe this is the USAF's way of wishing you good luck. and they were pink too.

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  51. Never, NEVER apologize for throwing away stray panties. Unless of course the woman is still attached to them....

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  52. Hey! Love the blog!
    Hope you will come visit mine and enter my EcoSmart giveaway!!

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  53. 1/2 way through I was hoping you'd get to picking it up like a pile of poo!

    I had to use that technique with the five pairs of skivvies I found behind my washing machine when I bought this house. There was a bra back there. Wouldn't you think you'd miss your bra enough to look for it?

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  54. Hi Amber (I assume that is your name unless you are using a fictitious one for your blog),
    I just saw about your blog on facebook and decided to check it out. One of my daughters reads your blog and recommended it. I am a blogger too, and love "meeting" other bloggers and also people in person.
    I enjoyed the two postings I just read, and will be back.
    Best wishes to you, my dear.
    Ruby (aka Grammy to my great grands and fellow bloggers and readers of my blog)

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  55. Holy great giggle. Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I could come and enjoy this great post. How funny!

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  56. So THAT'S where I left them! I was a wonderin'..

    I'm actually kinda skeeved out just thinking about it. I'm glad you disposed of them that way. I think I would've had to put on a HAZMAT suit first. But look on the bright side - at least it wasn't a condom!

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  57. LOL. I vote for "they blew off a clothesline" or even "someone was walking home from the laundry room and tripped and dropped their basket of clean clothes and the wind got ahold of a pair of panties". I hope.

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  58. Eww.
    But you know what? I work for 911, and seriously, I have had weirder calls. :)

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  59. Hilarious! For whatever reason, this post reminded me of the time my dog (when I was in middle school and feeling very vulnerable) pulled a maxi pad out of the trash and ran around the yard with it. I found it in the yard. Oh that was bad.

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  60. I'm going to pretend that they slipped away from someone's laundry basket.

    The alternative is just... icky.

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  61. I suppose it's better than finding a pink condom.

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  62. I grew up on AF bases all over the world and never once did I find panties in our yard. All the weird stuff seems to happen to you. I can't decide if I'm jealous or thankful.

    This was hilarious. I snorted cran apple juice out my nose while giggling.

    ♥Spot

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  63. Hey! I just gave you an award! I hope you like it:

    http://collegewitchexperiences.blogspot.com/2010/04/another-award.html

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  64. When you say "Airing My Dirty Laundry," I guess your neighbors must have wanted to give you more to air!

    I think my snorted coffee is now all over my laptop. Ewww.

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  65. Let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I say they blew off a clothesline.

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  66. EEEwwwww! I wouldnt have touched them either!!

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  67. Though it's quite a weird story I had to laugh at the thought of someone coming around to your house searching for their underwear. Not that I think this in any way possible...

    Anyways, thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a lovely comment.

    Have a blessed week.

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  68. Hey hun!

    How was your weekend??? WE NEED more "horror" stories from your life. Give!

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  69. I once found a grocery bag with a pack of hamburger, bratwerst, and a bag of chips (open) in my yard - along with a hat, half a bottle of soda and a half pack of cigarettes. The bag of chips was opened and spilled all over. It was just like he was walking home having a snack and abducted by aliens that didn't want his groceries. Makes you wonder about people, huh?

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  70. Haha! The Mysterious Appearance of The Panties....hope no more arrive :-)

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  71. Wow! I had read this tweet, but I'm glad I stopped to read the story! LoL!

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  72. ALl I can say is hi-lar-ious! Stopped by from SITS!

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  73. EUWWWWW!!!!!!!

    I would have used a stick too!

    BTW, I told my girl that if she peed on Ming Ming, he would be sad.

    So when she did indeed pee on him she told him she was sorry.

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  74. Panties? On a lawn. Disturbing on so many levels!

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  75. *shudders* I probably would have sprayed them with oven cleaner and set them on fire.

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  76. YIKES!! Talk about an odd find...too bad it wasn't a good potty training opportunity. Now Natalie is going to remember panties in the yard and say, "Why should I wear mine if some lady can leave hers in the yard?" Darn panty dropper!

    WM

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  77. Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross!!! Not only, do I detest the word "panties" (which reminds me, I left you an award on my blog a few days ago...you'll see why that reminds me, if you go see it.) but the very thought of someone elses random dirty undergarments in my front yard would have me running down the street yellin "gonorrhea!" at the top of my lungs! I would have double bagged 'em!

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  78. I swear, you make me laugh like nobody's business!!!

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  79. I might know how those panties got there:

    http://looksgreatnaked.com/2010/03/hello-world/

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  80. hahaha! That's so funny! How did that panty got in your yard?

    My Yard

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