Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Back to Mother's Day

Ding Dong!

Ding Dong!

Who in the hell was ringing my door at 11 in the morning? On MOTHER’S DAY no less.

I pulled open the door and Blake, the annoying neighborhood kid stared up at me.

“Can Tommy play?” he asked.

I sighed. “Yes.” I called Tommy.

“Did you know it was Mother’s Day, Tommy’s Mom?” Blake wondered.

“Yes. Why aren’t you with YOUR mother?”

Blake grinned. “She told me I should go out and play.”

Well gee. I wonder why.

“Can we play in your garage? Can we play with the water guns? Can we—”

“Blake, you guys can play with chalk. How about that?”

Tommy came down and they went outside. They started coloring with chalk. Then some other kids joined them. I thought they’d be entertained and would leave me alone. I sat down in front of the computer so I could work on revising my novel. I had figured out the perfect way to re-word a paragraph so it flowed better. My fingers were flying over the keyboard. YES…it was—


Oh for the love of chocolate.

I marched to the door.

“YES, Blake?”

“Some kid called me dumb,” Blake, the neighbor tattletale, said.

And why was he telling me? Tommy didn’t call him dumb. Some other kid did. Why wasn’t he bothering THEIR parents?

“Just tell the kid it’s not nice to name call,” I said, and started to walk away. I had to get back to the computer before I lost my train of thought.

“Tommy’s Mom!” Blake shouted and OPENED the front door. He’s notorious for just walking into people’s homes. One day he’s going to be scarred for life when he sees my husband stroll past in his boxers with the holes in them.

“Close that,” I demanded, coming back over. I grabbed the handle and clicked it shut. Maybe I’m the neighborhood grump. Who knows?

“Tommy’s Mom, some kids aren’t sharing the chalk,” he continued.

“Tell them to share. Blake, I really need to get back to—”

“But Tommy’s Mom—”

“Blake, unless a kid is injured I really don’t care.” Yeah. I’m totally the neighborhood grump.

Blake left after that. I got back on the computer.

And then Natalie announced that she had to pee. We’re potty training so the second she tells me this, I get excited thinking that THIS is the moment that she’s finally going to pee in the potty and not on my floor. So I led her by the hand to the bathroom. She climbed on the toilet.

And sat there.

And sat there.

Oh, and sat there.

The perfect paragraph that I had in my head had faded away.

Sitting cross legged on a bathroom floor was NOT how I envisioned my Mother’s Day.

“Are you going to go?” I asked Natalie.

“Yes.” She nodded emphatically.

But did nothing.

“Can you please do something in the potty?” I said.

So Natalie farted.

“I farted!” she laughed.

“Yes but…where is the pee?”

“I don’t know?” Natalie shrugged and seriously looked baffled.

So no pee. I switched on Wow Wow Wubzy on the TV and got back to my novel. I poised my fingers over the keyboard.

“I’m hungry,” Natalie informed me.

So I got her a snack. She wanted grapes and apples. But I guess I cut the apples wrong because she took all the apple bits off the plate and set them aside.

“I no want,” she said.

“But you said you wanted apples.”


“Young lady, you do not speak to me like that. Especially on Mother’s Day.”

Later I tried to stretch out on the couch. Natalie sat on my face.

The cat puked on the carpet.

Tommy told me that I was ruining his life when I said we didn’t have an ingredient that he needed for a science experiment he was putting together.

My husband had to work that night so I had no break.


That night as I put the kids to bed, Tommy apologized and said he was mistaken, that I wasn’t ruining his life after all.

And Natalie gave me a wet kiss on my cheek.

Oh, and Tom said that this weekend I could go out to lunch and see a movie with my friend Amanda.

Sweet. Impending freedom.


  1. Happy Be-lated Mother's Day!

    Sure, sometimes a mom's life sucks the big one but those kisses and "i love you's" make up for it...right? Right??

  2. I know a mom of 4 and her rule is: Is anyone bleeding? Then fix it yourself.

    This sounded familiar. I liked it.

    I hope you recover your perfect paragraph for your book!

  3. Aw, it sounds like the Mothers Day version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

    I hope you have a great lunch!

  4. It wasn't a total crapper of a day after all!

  5. Well, we take what we can get when we can get it, right?

  6. Aww, after all that it was still a great mothers day! It's nice to hear you're not ruining Tommy's life. I, on the other hand, am perpetuating a life of misery for my 9 year old! Or so he says.

  7. Yea... I think Mother's Day is a joke on moms. But impending freedom. That sounds nice :)

  8. I love happy endings!

    And stories with the word "fart" - it's the child in me.

  9. God, I can so relate to this. Except the neighborhood kids. That would have been my mother. Happy belated mother's day!

  10. Some mother's days are just too much fun, eh?

    I wish you luck with the potty training - I'm doing the same right now with my son. If he poops in the toilet today, we're breaking out the wine and chocolate.

  11. I like how Blake's Mommy thinks...

    *unload the brat on the neighbor*

  12. Ahh, the glory of OTHER people children...

  13. Oh, lunch and a movie??

    Stop the porn talk...

  14. lol - it's funny how the one thing we want for mother's day is for someone else to be the mother

  15. Did you ever finish the paragraph?
    Isn't it GREAT how Blake's mom got a tattle free mothers day...
    Hang in there..the weekend will get here eventually.

  16. my youngest two only gave me half a dozen dirty diapers on mother's day. it's the little things like that you come to appreciate. diamonds? nah....cliche. flowers? they die. dinner out? it'll only make me fat. only having to change a fraction of dirty diapers than normal? YES, PLEASE!! ;)

  17. wow, and I get frustrated when my dog keeps bugging me when I'm trying to write. (She is a labrador retriever, but still...)

  18. We have to dig to through the mom muck to get to the gold sometimes, don't we!

    I pretended to take a nap on Mother's Day, but the kids were so loud that I didn't actually sleep. I did, however, toss in some fake snoring to buy myself some more time, though.

  19. Hope you remembered the paragraph!

  20. Even the kids on my bus know "if you aren't bleeding or there isn't a bone protuding...I don't want to hear it."

    It would be nice to be fussed over on Mother's Day, but a normal day with hugs and kisses sounds just about right, too.

  21. haha I love that you told her to do something in the toilet, so she farted and laughed!! haha that was hilarious.

  22. All I wanted for mothers day was to sleep in! :)

    Glad it ended well and you get some freedom this weekend! :)) Have fun!

  23. Sounds like a normal Mother's Day to me! lol Good thing you've got a freedom day coming up... we all need those!

  24. yup, that sounds about right.

  25. This is the most accurate rendition I've read on Mother's Day. Thanks for keeping it real. (Hugs)Indigo

  26. Whoa! That was quite a mother's day! Never mind, you 'll be lunching and going out with a friend this weekend. Make it an early lunch and a late movie. (I still have not convinced you about the cat box for Natalie, huh?)

  27. Virginia Woolf was wrong when she said all women need is a "room of her own" in order to create like a man...truth is, we need a babysitter. And a housekeeper. And quiet.

    I keep telling myself that someday they'll be grown and gone, so enjoy this while I can...and ponder how to trade sleep for writing or something.

  28. that fact that natalie said she farted totally made me forget the rest of the story... lol

    nahhh! i would sooooo tell that little turd blake to 'LEAVE".. well, if it were me i'd like to, but i probably never would!

  29. Yep sounds about right...Mothers Day definitely doesnt mean we get a day off!

  30. Next time Blake-the-brat comes to the door? Tell him that his Mom called and said it was time to go home. The End.

    Oh, and yeah, being a mother is all worth it in the end when you get those wet kisses. :)

  31. Hey, Tommy's Mom! What do you expect to have happen on Mother's Day when you have KIDS to deal with? Mother's Day without kids is a much better way to go.

  32. Wow - exciting mother's day!! For the kids at least.

  33. Well happy freakin' mother's day! Isn't it nice when they crawl on your lap and tell you they love you out of the blue? It almost makes not killing them worthwhile.

    I'm already jealous of you for next weekend.

    Lots of yummy love,
    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner

  34. Enjoy the weekend. Sounds like it's very, very well-deserved.

  35. I'm not looking forward to having to deal with neighborhood kids. It's why I wanted to stay on our isolated little island. But, noooo, we had to come join civilization.

    Have fun on your day out!

    I'm sucking majorly and behind in blog land this week. Trying to go around and thank everyone who stopped by for my SITS day, even though I feel like a dork for doing that with people like you, who aren't new to my blog. But, it's okay because I am a dork- so, thank you!

  36. LOL funny! I'm glad it ended well, and it could have been worse--your daughter could have had an accident while sitting on your face! Yikes!

  37. I bet it's the best feeling when you KIDS apologize to YOU!

  38. Not a bad day! And the best part of the story? You get a free afternoon away...I'm SO jealous!

  39. My word. That neighbor kid got on my last nerve and I've never even met him:)

  40. Loved your blog. And you are indeed blessed. Have a wonderul afternoon "off".

  41. My life is full of those interruptions - I guess, it's a price we pay for wanting a moment of peace and quiet all to ourselves ;)

  42. Every day is Mother's Day, isn't it?

  43. Hey, Tommy's mom: you know what you've got to be thankful for? At least you're not Blake's mom. And yes, at least Natalie timed her fart. Better to have the cat go on the rug than she.

  44. Oh, how I remember those days! hahahha!

  45. some days the neighbor kids are a blessing and sometimes they are a curse lol

  46. I hate tattle-tales. My bf's kids are ridiculous with it, and I always end up telling them that if they tattle, THEY will be in trouble, not the one they tattled on. And they also like apples, but since I have to peel AND slice them, they WILL eat them. They have tried to pull the whole, "I changed my mind" but if they ask, and I make it, they will eat it.

    I swear they like me most of the time. I'm not the evil stepmom ALL the time.

  47. Dont let the kids hear that you have weekend plans, they'll develop a sudden fever. Thats what always happens to me!

  48. my son also likes to announce when he farts. like six times. really loudly. in public. it's awesome.

    your mother's day sounds like it rocked. at least you got a promise from your husband about some alone time--you should try to get that in writing.

    seriously, though...reading stuff like this makes me think that mothers (or good ones, at least) should get a free pass STRAIGHT into heaven.

  49. That same annoying neighborhood kid lives is MY neighborhood. And she's always MY house. Argh!

  50. Sometimes a kid admitting that you are not ruining his life is the best gift of all.


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