Friday, May 21, 2010

The Census Bureau Guy

I went around to the back of my car to unload the groceries. I was busy mulling over the fact that I spent $121 on food…I mean, I didn’t get THAT much. My cart wasn’t even full for craps sake. So how in the world could I spend—

“Excuse me?”

A male voice spoke up behind me.

And because I startle easily, I screamed at the top of my lungs and swung the bag with the milk over my head. I was prepared to knock the guy out if he tried to rob me. He could have the bag of vegetables if he was really insistent but he would NOT get the bag containing the Little Debbie snacks.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I went, the bag waving over my head.

The guy immediately held his arms out. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, it’s okay,” he said quickly. He took a step back lest he get smacked with the milk.

I took a good look at him. He seemed harmless enough. He had on tan pants and an orange vest with the words CENSUS BUREAU down it. He also had a clipboard in his hands.

“I just need you to answer some questions. Did you happen to mail your census paperwork in?” the guy asked. He was still quite a distance away from me. I think he was worried that I’d still strike him in the face.

I set the bag of milk at my feet. Hmmm...census paperwork, census paperwork....I thought back to the countless things I have filled out. Then I remembered filling out the census paperwork. I had been curled up on the couch and Natalie had tried to take it from me.

“If you mess with this, you’ll go to jail,” I had told her.

Only a three year old doesn’t really grasp the concept of jail so she didn’t take me seriously. She ran up the stairs with the paper so I yelled something that I knew she’d get.

“IF I DON’T GET THAT BACK, BROBEE IS GOING BACK TO THE STORE!”

I named one of her favorite characters from her creepy Yo Gabba Gabba show.

She ran downstairs and handed me back my paper.

So yes. I had filled out the paperwork.

But crap. Did I remember to MAIL it?

“I thought I did,” I told the man. What if he pulled out handcuffs and took me to jail? I mean, I didn’t think he could but I didn’t know. It was my first time filling out the paperwork. And I couldn’t go to jail. Not when I hadn't seen the Grey's Anatomy finale.

“Well, we did have reports about some getting lost in the mail. Needless to say we didn’t get yours so I’ll need to ask you some questions,” the man continued.

“Sure,” I agreed. Phew, no jail. I would not survive in jail. I do not look good in orange.

“Here’s my boogie,” Natalie said, coming over and handing me a booger. WHY does she keep doing that? I don’t WANT her boogers.

So basically I just had to answer questions about who all lives in the house. I answered the questions punctuated with demands for Natalie.

“Yes, his name is Tom, he’s 28 and NATALIE DON’T PUT THAT ROLY POLY IN YOUR MOUTH!”

Or,

“No, we don’t own the house, the military does, NATALIE, STOP LIFTING UP YOUR SHIRT AND FLASHING THE CARS. You are NOT A KARDASHIAN SISTER!”

When I was finally finished, the guy thanked me. Then he frowned.

“What’s going on over there?”

I thought Natalie was flashing cars again. But no, he was staring at Tommy’s science experiment.



“Oh,” I said. “My son is trying to devise a potion to get grown adults to stop going crazy over Twilight. Haha.”

The guy just gaped at me as though I had a leprechaun doing a jig on the top of my head.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what he’s doing,” I said, feeling my face grow red. I really need to stop trying to be funny.

Plus, it’s probably not wise to joke with a Census Bureau guy. He could write down on our papers, “Child makes potions, could potentially destroy Earth.”

“Hmm. Well okay, thanks for answering my questions. And oh, I think your daughter is trying to climb up that tree.”

What?

I looked over and Natalie was halfway up the little tree in front of the house.

“AH-U-DAH-MAY!” Natalie screeched, grasping on for dear life. She was saying the Spanish word for help. She learned it from watching Diego. Who says television is bad for kids?

“Thank you,” I said to the man and darted off to help Natalie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy wrote on our papers. “Dysfunctional family,” and underlined it three times.

Oh well.

60 comments:

  1. I think one of your kids should have punched him in the crotch. That would teach him!

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  2. I think it's pretty obvious he wrote "freaking awesome family" on his page. And I'm not sure what you're implying about Yo Gabba Gabba - that show is brilliant. Seriously, you bust out those dance moves in a club? Instant hottie.

    True story.

    Except the part where other people were impressed/not humiliated by my presence.

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  3. "Stop lifting your shirt, you are not a Kardashian sister."

    Best line ever!

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  4. Poor Dear. They do have a way of intimidating me with their clipboards and glasses and such. (And I'm not even worried about serial killers.) I did mail my census thing in, but 10 years ago, the house we live in was a 3 unit apartment building. We converted it back to a single family house when we moved in. I have 3 census people come here so I can explain, no, we are not the tenants in apt. B. There is no Apartment A or Apartment C. It's just me and my husband. The census people peer past me suspicion in their eyes. But Honey and Harry deter them when I say, oh come on in and take a look for yourself. (The hounds from hell act is always good with strangers and magazine sales people.) Natalie is my idol.

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  5. I was not at all happy when the Census Bureau woman knocked on my door on Sunday. I not only filled it out, I mailed it back the day after I got it. Where was Natalie when I needed her?

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  6. Natalie should of gave him the booger.

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  7. Oh man...forget the clipboard, I'd have something snarky to say about the orange vest..like, got some cones and a hardhat for that? Ack,,anyway have a great weekend!

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  8. Still laughing over: "Stop lifting your shirt, you are not a Kardashian sister."

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  9. Hey, if your family is dysfunctional then there's no hope for the rest of us!

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  10. We have angry census workers in my town. One guy was written up in our paper. He pounded on the lady's door, yelled at her and was just plain ugly to her.

    I really hope they don't come to my house, I filled mine out and sent it back just to get another mailed to me a couple weeks later....

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  11. OMG! Did you get to watch Grey's last night???

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  12. You are hilarious! I hate leaving comments like that, but you SO are!! I'm still laughing and planning on making my hubby read this because it sounds exactly what would happen if the census guy caught me unexpectedly...except my son would just be trying to take off all his clothes.

    Have a good weekend :)

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  13. i'm hoping we live far enough into the middle of nowhere that they won't find us. the banjos usually keep unwanted visitors at bay.

    anyhoozit....the "you're not a kardashian sister" almost made me spit out some of my star crunch. almost (that stuff's sacred you know).

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  14. dont you evet have a boring day when NOTHING exciting happens? you crack me up with this stuff.

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  15. Haha, I laughed out loud at Kardashian sister bit! My 2 year old has picked up a lot of Spanish from Dora & Diego, too. Okay so TV isn't the greatest, but at least she watches educational stuff! :)

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  16. The poor census people are generally just hired as temp workers who just work a few months to go to homes that haven't turned in their forms. Some people don't want to turn in the forms and can be really hostile (maybe even dangerous) to the workers--so cut them some slack (remark geared to some commenters).

    Now, on to the post...LMAO! You are so funny!

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  17. That is sad proof that Diego and Dora work.

    Your child knows more Spanish than most CEOs. And many of them would benefit from knowing how to to say, "Help me!"

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  18. oh my goodness - and did you see the finale? I don't have cable so I had to wait until today. Who cares that it was pretty outside. I sat in front of my computer all morning gasping!

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  19. bwahahaha. Did you really tell him it was an anti-twilight potion? Priceless.

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  20. how did the census guy not laugh when you said, "Stop lifting your shirt, you are not a Kardashian sister," or the Twilight joke.

    Best line ever in that situation.

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  21. Thomas took the threat of jail seriously and asked me a bazillion times if I had filled it out properly. Please - I know who lives here and their birthdays! Hello?? I'M THE MOM!! He mailed it himself.

    My son liked to give me his boogies too. Gross stuff. They grow out of it....eventually.

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  22. What?!?!?! You don't like booger gifts ;-)

    How about that Grey's Anatomy season finale!!!!! AWE-SOME.

    Very funny post!
    jj

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  23. Now you've got me scared! I kept forgetting to fill out that form, told my husband to finally do it, HE forgot.... and now they're going to come for us! ACK!

    Natalie sounds like a blast!

    Have a great weekend!

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  24. I can't believe you almost took him out with your groceries! Priceless!!!

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  25. cool story....you had me giggling.

    dysfunctional families are my speciality.

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  26. I'm getting a lot of pressure from a friend who is trying to get me to read those freaking Twilight books!

    You give me strength!

    OMG! What if I actually liked them! I'd feel all kinds of wrong! Giving in would desecrate all that I hold sacred!

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  27. then he best write that on most of the homes he visits... lol..


    I have an award for you :)

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  28. I know I filled it out, too. And I'm PRETTY sure it made it into the mailbox...

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  29. Reading this made me think that you are no different than any of the rest of us. We live in a hectic world trying to do our best but sometimes the craziness is a bit overwhelming!

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  30. Personally I think those census guys are a little creepy. I mailed my paperwork in right away, because last year we participated in some special study and that guy showed up at the house and called constantly. So it was either the census bureau, the FBI checking up on Sean, or some kind of stalker. Either way it was unpleasant.

    TV is very educational.
    ♥Spot

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  31. Great blog! I can't wait to have time to look through it all!! Stopping by from SITS =)

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  32. I'm glad we mailed ours in months ago. It's hard to tell what they would say about us.

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  33. LOL! Hilarious! More likely he wrote, NO WAY WOULD AN IMMIGRANT LIVE IN THIS CRAZY HOUSE.
    Haha. The flasher comment really got me good. :-)

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  34. Shame on you for not mailing it in! Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

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  35. That story was hilarious. I love "ayudame". Priceless.

    Stopping by from SITS.

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  36. Ha! Visiting from SITS- and am now your newest follower.

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  37. I almost peed my pants at the image of you taking the guy out with your bag of groceries. Priceless! He would have been the one shouting "Ayudame!!"

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  38. Don't you love conversations punctuated with comments to the kids! Its a wonder we can follow anything we say.

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  39. You crack me up--I think it's hilarious that you threaten your daughter with Yo Gabba Gabba character removal.

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  40. At least he was nice and wasn't one of those people you watch tv shows about. How nice of him to piint out what your kids were doing. A full-service government worker.

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  41. Don't you get to choose what colour uniform you get to wear? I don't look my best in orange either.

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  42. Is it wrong if I liked tht story?? Just a litle too much?.

    I love me my dysfunctional families.

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  43. Hahaha...my oldest daughter is a geographer...she had it finished and sent in before we even received it in the mail...yeah we're nerds... Lolol..well, not me...her...I love the way you handled it though...Wooo Hooo..!

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  44. I don't know how exactly I stumbled across your blog today, but I am so glad I did. I found I was laughing out loud. How much is a great laugh like that worth these days, well alot in my opinion. Plenty to be sad about, plenty to be stressed about, but a good laugh like that priceless. I can remember filling mine out this year, I was thinking the same thing. Don't loose that paper Susan, you are 60 years old and you would not do well in jail, especially with your emphysema. I made my husband drive me to the post office where I put it in the box myself. Didn't trust the mailman. No one has come to my door so I guess it must have gotten there.
    Thank you so much for the great laugh, it has made my day.
    Susan
    http://amazingcouponanddiscountdeals.blogspot.com
    http://joininandgogreen.blogspot.com

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  45. I am so very glad I hopped over here today - I find this highly amusing ;-)

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  46. This was funny and for so many reasons! We also had a visit from the Census people and my kids were going crazy. They lady actually apologized for imposing. Her exact words were : "Oh, Bless your heart for raising twin girls! I can see you have your hands full!!"

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  47. Love the line about being a Kardashian sister; however, this should give you peace of mind...if she was a true Kardashian sister, she would have said, "Like, look at me, Mom...I'm totally showing my boobs."

    I just love your stories...you always have me laughing!!!

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  48. I probably would have beaned him with the milk and been carted off to jail. I don't look good in orange, either. ;)

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  49. SO Funny! I love Natalie! She's so CUTE!

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  50. Being as we have a tribe of kids and all---it took my husband the better part of a week to fill ours out and if they even dare try and say it got lost in the mail...I will sic all five kids on 'em.

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  51. Your Natalie cracks me up...and I have a sneaking suspicion she's giving me a preview of my Natalie.

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  52. You've been quoted!

    http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/05/quotes-may-24-2010.html

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  53. LMAO Oh my gosh! I cant believe I almost missed that post!!

    I was a census worker the last time they did one. Luckily they did not make me wear orange.

    One of the guys that worked with me actually had a gun pulled on him. So I can understand why your guy was scared of the milk!

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  54. HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG she was screaming "ayudame." That is hysterical. My dad is a census taker and he would have thought that the whole thing was freaking hilarious

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  55. Boogers are always funny. Talk about science experiments...

    Didn't even get past first paragraph before I hit "follow" at the top!

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  56. Natalie screams for help in Spanish? He should have written "freakin' genius".

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  57. Sooo funny. And show me a family that couldn't be filed under 'dysfunctional'? Natalie sounds like a rock star in the making (flashing and all). Please don't diss Yo Gabba Gabba, that show is the shiznit. How have I missed your blog so far? Very glad to have found you via SITS, adding it to my list of Hot Blog Titles.

    from Babes about Town
    http://babesabouttown.com

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  58. I wonder if they had a column for "Wildly funny mother with two crazy kids"?

    Cause you are so there.

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