Friday, May 14, 2010

My Dear Letters

Nothing much else to report so I'll do My Dear Letters.

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Dear Natalie,

Contrary to what you may think, I do NOT like it when you hand me your boogers. Please stop it. Find a tissue, okay?

I’d rather have a pretty picture,
Amber

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Dear Feet,

Why can’t you be prettier? I really wish I could wear cute summer shoes but alas, you won’t allow it.

Chick with the unattractive toes,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

No, you may NOT have a phone. You’re eight. You basically only know us. So who would you call? You do realize that Spongebob isn’t real, right? You can’t call him. So no phone.

Just being a practical and not giving into every request,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

I’m reminding you again that I am NOT a contortionist. I repeat: I am NOT a contortionist. Therefore, I cannot bend that way no matter how much you want me to.

A non-bendy,
Amber

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Dear Letters to Juliet,

Please be a good movie. I’m going to see you Sunday. If not, oh well, at least I get to munch on buttery popcorn and enjoy kid-free time.

A waiting to be entertained (without worrying about children),
Amber

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Dear TLC,

Why in the world are you bringing Kate Gosselin back? At this point I think people are just a tad tired of seeing her. Maybe wait a couple of years and see if she grows a Nice Gene. Then try again.

An irritated,
Amber

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Dear blogger The Blue Zoo,

Thank you so much for nominating me for a Funniest Pages award over here. I ended up being one of the winnners! That totally made my day. I'll definately be posting my award as soon as I remember how. HTML does NOT like me.

Signed,
A Yay-People-Like-Me,
Amber


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Dear Mederma Stretch Mark Cream that I bought from here,

Please work. I know I should be proud of my stretch marks…the whole I got these from bringing my children in the world thing—but I’m really not. I need them gone. And I cannot afford a tummy tuck. Sadly. So please. Work.

A stretch marked covered,
Amber

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Dear Southwest Airlines,

Please lower the cost of your flights from North Carolina to Denver. (We're going to visit my husband's side of the family so he can say goodbye before he leaves for Korea.) I found a great deal from Denver to North Carolina.....but your return trip costs bites ass. $171 per ticket is too much from cheapskate me. Please lower them to $99. Pretty please?

Less plane ticket means I can shop more while I’m there,
Amber

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Dear Lost creators,

Hi. I’ve been watching your show for six years now and I still have NO IDEA what is going on. Please explain the following things in your finale. Such as: where did Ben go, who is Jack’s son’s mother, what exactly IS the island, what is the man in black’s name, is Jacob really good, is Jack going to run the island now, CAN CHARLIE COME BACK TO LIFE?

A baffled but still loyal,
Amber

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Dear The Tudors,

I’m sad that this is the last season. Can someone please take over the show and continue it? So much more happens. Such as Prince Edward becoming King but having those freaky Seymours speak for him since he’s underage, Thomas Seymour trying to seduce Elizabeth (yuck), Thomas Seymour eventually losing his head (he deserved it), Prince Edward dying of consumption (aww), a poor girl called Jane being forced to take the throne even though Mary has the legitimate claim, Jane being de-throned after only nine days and then losing her head (double aww), Mary finally getting a man, Mary burning anyone who doesn’t share her religious views (hence why she was dubbed bloody Mary), Mary putting her sister Elizabeth in the Tower of London since she believed Elizabeth was plotting against her due to Elizabeth NOT sharing her religious views (among other reasons), Mary thinking she’s pregnant but turning out not to be, Mary dying (she was sort of freaky so I didn’t really sympathize with her), Elizabeth taking the crown....so please? Someone? Bueller?

A Tudor fanatic,
Amber

57 comments:

  1. The first one made me yell "EWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and the last one made me yell "I KNOOOOOOOOOW"

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  2. I so with you on the LOST letter....so frustrating!! They better answer all our questions and not leave us hanging forever!

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  3. Dear Amber,

    Um, I've been waiting for your call, and honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to let you pretend to ignore me.

    Love,
    Spongebob

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  4. Letter days are great! And, I totally agree with the whole Kate thing...she needs to..umm...fade away,.,..,

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  5. I love the Tudors! I'm very sad to see it end...like you said there's so much more nastiness and amoral intrigue to be enjoyed!

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  6. Dear Amber

    You crack my stuff up.

    A very happy reader
    Brandy

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  7. That wasn't really SpongeBob that wrote you - it was Gary.... Bet SpngeBob has a booger collection he'd like to discuss though.

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  8. I am so with you on the phone thing, and Kate G. - please someone make her go away!

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  9. Ben is off with Miles and Richard figuring out a way to blow up the airplane. I'm thinking the finale will feature Not Locke getting on the plane to presumably fly off the island and then it blows up and Not Locke ends up dead for real -- but then the question is "What happens to the black smoke?"

    Jack's son's mother is the chick with the neck injury that Jack saved and then married.

    Oh, and don't forget, nobody really ever dies on Lost...:)

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  10. you know.. i don't really care for my feet either.. but what really gets my goat is that hubs' feet are wonderful.. seriously, and he even has a very physical job.. but his feet... so pretty!!!

    have a great wkend!!!!!!

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  11. You are seriously the best. Do you know that?

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  12. Congratulations on your Award!

    For number #1 - I agree! Go get a damn tissue

    For the Lost one: I KNOW!! So much to wrap up...HOW can they do it in 3 HOURS??!!

    And I really should watch The Tudors...I loved that period in history

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  13. Great letters!! Congrats on your award!! As for #1 gross!! and I just have to say I was noticing on your "about me" you love Anne of Green Gables! That is one of our all time favorites!!

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  14. The next time Tom asks you to put your legs behind your head, ask him if he can even touch his toes.

    That seems fair.

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  15. Ahhhh. We have so much in common. I'm watching The Tudors On Demand right now. (really!) Wouldn't it be wonderful if they continued with the story? It could go on for a looooong time.

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  16. So, your letters confirm that Lost doesn't interest me, but now I want to watch the Tudors. I so don't need another addiction!

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  17. Seriously the Tudors NEEDS to stay on...
    What are people thinking? You can't stop YET!

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  18. Please report on the stretch marck cream. I look like a roadmap, and don't have any children to show for it.

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  19. I love these! And yes! Airplane tickets are outrageous!

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  20. Oh and Kate Gosselin is coming back to TLC? One more reason for me to skip that channel . . . I can't stand the b@#$%.

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  21. I hope that Letter's to Juliet is good too. I totally want to see it.


    And seriously, TLC!

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  22. I hear you on the 8 year old wanting a phone. My daughter is FIVE and she wants one.

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  23. Dear Amber--

    Thanks for making me laugh EVERY morning while I drink my coffee.

    ~Your Loyal Reader :)

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  24. LMAO! Your Lost letter was my Lost letter. I have been watching this since the first episode and still have no idea what the heck is going on. And ummm what is the big secret about MIB's name?

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  25. My 9 yr old wants a phone too! A lot of his friends actully have cell phones. Ugh. Ridiculous! He can have a phone when he can PAY for it.

    I am SO ready for Lost to be over. They took that show and just twisted it all to hell. I have NO CLUE whats going on half the damn time. Ok, more than half the time.

    And of course you won Ed's funny bloggers thingy! Cause youre awesome. =)

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  26. C'mon, Amber, any loving mother would be thrilled to receive her darling daughter's boogers.

    I hear you about the unattractive feet. I so wish I could wear cute sandals. Not only are mine weird looking, but they're kinda big. I'm happy my daughters both have pretty feet. Isn't that pathetic??

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  27. There is a pic of a certain Tudor on my blog today... but not the tv one.

    I hear ya on the stretch marks. Oddly enough, my *looked* BETTER after my 2nd child... I'm not sure why either. They're still quite there, however.

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  28. Congrats on your award! Well deserved.

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  29. I think TLC is betting on the fact that people will tune in to see how bad she can be now.

    They just care about the $$$$.

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  30. You are a hoot! And I've got something for you on my page. :)

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  31. Love your letters and your blog. Pop on over to my blog to receive your Versatile Blogger award ...
    http://jayayceeblog.blogspot.com/2010/05/versatile-blogger.html

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  32. I forgot all about the Tudors! I've gotta go rent those right now!

    (boogers? Yum)

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  33. What a great idea for a post! These were very entertaining. Dry, dry humour. Love it.

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  34. I'm impressed by your knowledge of european history. Were you a history major? You hit everything spot on!

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  35. Wait - I'm confused. Are you coming to North Carolina (anywhere near me?) or to Denver? But I thought for some reason, you were in Wyoming or Montana or some remote state....

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  36. #1 is a problem here, too.
    As is #2.
    Happy Friday!

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  37. Ugh my youngest gives me her boogers too...yuck

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  38. LOL, great letters. I haven't kept up with LOST in years but it seems to be the general consensus that nobody knows what the hell is going on. And I agree about the Tudors! There's so much more to work with!

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  39. Spongebob, not real? Noooooo.

    You have my every sympathy re those feet. Mine are awful as well.

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  40. Thanks for the smiles and the laughs!

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  41. This is the first time I have seen your letters - LOVE them!

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  42. Hi! Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

    Your blog post is so cute! And funny. It made me laugh.

    I can relate to your questions about LOST. I'm sad that it's soon going to be over but also glad because I've been stressing for years trying to figure everything out.

    And then I remember when they remind me that I've forgotten to wonder about something I previously wondered about.

    Like just now... you reminded me that I had been wondering where in the world (island) Ben went.

    I surely hope they resolve everything they've made us question or I'm going to be insanely upset! Lol.

    Have a great Saturday!!

    :D

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  43. I hope you can find cheaper tickets! Damn! Natalie's little treasures are hilarious! Oh great Nat! Another booger! If you would just go to more yoga classes, you would be more flexible. I'm just sayin...

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  44. Dear Amber,

    At least Showtime is going to placate us and try to make amends by making The Borgias. As they were an even more despicable and morally bankrupt family (even if Rodrigo was the freakin POPE)it should be interesting. They are so depraved and incestuous that it should make for some really good "Ewww!" TV watching moments. So don't be sad. At least you, unlike my daughter's history teacher (yes I said history teacher), know who the Tudors were and that those events happened. (And that is why I decided to homeschool).

    Your Tudor loving friend,
    ♥Spot

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  45. Your feet can't be that bad, but I do appreciate you not flaunting jacked up toes in flip flops. That makes you one classy chick in my book! Maybe Tommy could call Southwest for you. That kid can be pretty persuasive . . .

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  46. Dear Amber,
    The last one brought tears to my eyes. Another woman that appreciates the seduction of all things Henry VIII, his 6 wives and his poor children too. Can we be best buds forever. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE???
    Meg @ WonderWomanWannabe

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  47. Congrats on your award and ABSOLUTELY you are the funniest pages.

    ANd, yes, to the "who ya gonna call, girlfriend? Spongebob ain't real."

    I hear ya.

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  48. I've been wondering why Sponebob doesn't return my calls.

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  49. Thanks for the comment showing SITS love! Your blog is very funny-I'm following you now. Cheers!

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  50. Lost is killing me, too...

    AND? I hate my extra skin that my children awarded me with. Not even the belly skin. THAT I expected (to a degree). I'm talking about the extra skin on my freaking BOOBS. WTF?!? That just blows.

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  51. I can't handle snots. I don't care HOW cute the kid is handing them to me. I'm sorry.

    I gave up on LOST last year. It was getting so confusing. Yep. Cold Turkey. GAVE.IT.UP.

    Kate Gosselin? Yesterday's news.

    Does Tom think you are Gumby? WTF?

    Unfortunately, my FEET are the best looking part of my body. {sigh}

    Congratulations on being one of the top ten on Ed's list. You are a funny gal!

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  52. Hilarious as always. I hope Tom learns to stop with the bending. I'll share your letter with Husband who could learn that himself. You might be shocked at how many friends an 8 year old could call with a cell phone. People they don't even know. Yep. 13 year old has sought to build his contact list beyond 5,487. I gave up on Lost after I realized the #1 goal of the writers is trying to eclipse themselves in overly contrived nonsense.

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  53. I hate Kate Gosselin and refuse to watch anything where they even talk about her.

    Love "Lost"...I so want them to bring Charlie back. I'm about 2 episodes behind because I have DVR'd them to watch all at once.
    Then I will cry.

    Have not watched the Tudors but I know people who do (does that count?) I was going to, because I had read that Aidan Turner was on it, then I found out he was only on one episode, so... Now if BBC America would start broadcasting the new "Being Human" episodes I would be happy.
    Can you write them a letter too?

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  54. Okay, let's see these feet. They cannot be worse than my runner's feet.

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  55. We'd like to know how you liked Letters to Juliet ...

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