Monday, May 3, 2010

Shopping. With A Man.

Shopping with Tom is....

....an adventure.

And that’s just my polite way of putting it.

We went to Kohls on Saturday. Have I mentioned that I love Kohls? Tom tried to stick me with Natalie while he wandered off to look at his things. I told him he had lost his ever-loving mind and that HE was going to take Natalie so I could look at my clothes in peace. See, Natalie is awful in Kohls. For me, at least. She’ll immediately slip out of the cart and run off. “Bye,” she’ll say sweetly and stomp away. And if I attempt to try on clothes she slithers out from underneath the changing room door. I startled this old lady when I chased Natalie in only my bra. At least it was my pink one and not the ugly tattered brown one.

“Fine,” Tom grumbled and took the cart with him. Because Natalie is a perfect angel for him. It’s just not fair.

I had Tommy with me. And okay, Tommy isn’t always patient but at least he doesn’t try to escape. He just trailed behind me as I checked out clothes.

“What do you think about this?” I asked, holding up a pink shirt.

He shrugged. “It’s pink.”

Really? No kidding?

“What about this one?” I held a button up green top.

Tommy made a face. “It’s the color of poop.”

Um. What the hell has he been eating?

By the time Tom returned, I had several shirts and dresses slung over my arm to try on.

“I’ve shopped the entire store and you’re still basically in the same spot,” Tom said, frowning.

“I was looking,” I explained. I mean, that’s what you DO in a store. You don’t just blaze past everything.

Tom sighed. “Are you almost done?”

I held the clothes up. “I need to try these on. And then I need to check out the rest of the store.”

“I already did that. There’s nothing interesting,” Tom assured me.

“I’ll see for myself.” I went into a stall and started trying on things. One shirt made me look totally fat. Another made me look skinny, but I could barely breathe in it. But still, breathing is overrated right? If it made me look skinny, I could deal with not breathing. I tried on several dresses as well because over the summer we always take family photos. I showed Tom one dress and he was all,

“Looks like something your Mom would wear. You could be twins.”

Now. My Mom wears some nice things so I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or not.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

He shrugged. “It’s just…your Mom would wear that dress. If you want to look like your Mom, get it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Another man waiting for his wife sucked in his breath. “Wow, dude. Fix it. Fix it now,” he advised.

Tom put a fake smile on his face. “You look lovely, dear.”

But he was obviously just SAYING that. Ugh, I hate shopping with men. I should have gone to the store with Amanda.

I ended up buying another dress. Though when I came out in that, Tom just went, “Mmmm.”

“Is that a good mmm or a bad mmmm?” I wondered.

“It’s great. You done?” All Tom wanted to do was LEAVE. Could he not just tell me what he THOUGHT OF THE FLIPPING DRESS?

After I finished with the clothes, I checked out the other sections of the store. I found this ultra adorable dress for Natalie and Tom went, “Doesn’t she have a dress like that?”

“Well. Sort of. Only that one is in green. This is brown,” I explained.

“She has enough clothes. She probably has more clothes than the both of us combined,” Tom said.

He really makes shopping suck.

I put the dress back on the rack angrily.

“NOW where are you going?” Tom whined as I stomped off into Tommy’s section.

“Tommy needs jeans!” I yelled. He always needs jeans. The kid wears out the knees of his pants so fast. And no, I won’t put patches on them. That just screams NERD, BEAT ME UP in the second grade.

When I started going through the photo frames, I thought Tom was going to pass out from anger.

For the rest of the time at Kohls all I heard from him was: “What now? Why do we need that? We’d never use that. You don’t even DRINK margaritas so why are you looking at a margarita machine? Huh? You’re just looking at it just because? That doesn’t make sense, Amber. You almost done? Wait, why are looking at the flip flops? Don’t you have flip flops? Oh, you don’t have them in blue? Well, pardon me. CAN WE JUST GO?”

“You suck,” I told Tom. “I am NEVER shopping with you again.”

I always say that. It’s never true. It should be true though.

We were headed towards check out and I bet Tom was thinking, “Hallelujah, almost done.” But then I saw a shirt that caught my eye and abruptly turned.

“STOP? Where are you going?” Tom sounded panicked.

“Look. It’s the baby from The Hangover.” I held up a t-shirt with a cartoon baby strapped to the front. “That movie is just so funny, it always makes me laugh and—”

“Haha, great, it’s hilarious, are you ready to PAY?” Tom cut me off.

What an ass. And I was going to get him that shirt, too. Not anymore. I re-folded it and set it back down.

On the way out, after our stuff was mercifully paid for and bagged, Tom was all, “I’m never coming here again.”

But then again, he always says that too.

50 comments:

  1. That is me and my husband in REVERSE in the electronics stores. And I always say "Never Again" and he ALWAYS drags me in when I'm in the car with him and all 3 kids and can't escape. HATE.

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  2. Hilarious - I love that you always say you'll never do it again but then keep shopping together. And I, too, am concerned regarding your sons digestive system.

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  3. Maybe Tommy was referring to Canadian Geese poop - it is green. Do you have Candian Geese out your way?

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  4. Men should really be outlawed from shopping with their wives. At least Tom gave you some feedback on the dress, although I am still not sure if it was good feedback, my hubs just say everything looks fine - I hate the word.

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  5. Chris is the opposite - I hate shopping with him! he thinks he's skinnier than he is so he has to try those on first and then they don't fit and I have to get him more - then they are too short or too long or too white or too narrow. ugh

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  6. Oh, that is so funny. I've never said that, but I'm going to ( you are wht is called a bad influence.) Here goes: "you suck!"

    Oh, I love that.

    I relate to every single word. They make shopping suck. Hells yeah, you can pick up and touch a margarita mixing machine just to look at it!

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  7. I don't even try to shop with hubby anymore...he ruins the experience. I can relate to your entire story...especially comparing the dress to your mom part! Oh, and I heart Kohls, too :)
    Thanks for swinging by my blog!

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  8. I can NOT clothes shop with my husband...he is just like that! I'll do the grocery with him and even Home Depot, if I have to, but NOT clothes. Glad you at least found something for yourself to make it worth it!

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  9. some men have the shopping genes and some men don't. I sometimes wish my husband didn't because mine are very limited. He loves to shop and I like to go it for what I need and not be bothered with anything else.

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  10. You know your life is just ripe and ready for a sitcom. Make it happen!

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  11. You guys are too funny. I just make my husband sit outside, reading a book.

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  12. We hit Dillard's yesterday because of a swimsuit ad. Well, she didn't like the suit, but we ended up with a bag of clothes from there and one from Penny's. She didn't want any of it but I took it to the counter anyway. After we got home she tried them all on to show me again and seemed rather pleased.
    So I'm the opposite - I find things for her to try and get her more than she expected.

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  13. Yep, that is why i NEVER go with Corey. I walk into Banana Republic, grab some man stuff and walk out. He's done.
    After 12 years of marriage? He doesn't even bother to try and go with me anymore. He just sits in the car with the boys.

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  14. If I told Builderman I was never taking him shopping with me again he would get down on his knees and thank God! He has had enough before we even get out of the car. But let him get into the tool department at Sears and it's a whole other ball game.

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  15. I would rather shove a red, hot poker up my nose than go clothes shopping with my husband.

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  16. LOL, that's so typical of a guy. You know what's aweful though? When my hubby and I go out, it's the other way around. He and my father in law could look at stuff for hours! I don't like shopping unless I am completely alone - cause I don't want to drag him around. Unfortunatley he doesn't see things the same way...

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  17. I hate shopping with men....I try not too unless I'm desperate. My hubs sucks at shopping.

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  18. Why can't men understand that we want to look just to look??? Sheesh!

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  19. For the most part, my husband likes to shop. In fact, probably more than I do. But sometimes, once in a blue moon - and never predictably - he'll get in a mood and be just like Tom when we shop. I hate it when that happens ... so I really, really feel for you having it happen all the time!

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  20. The one thing I can say about my boyfriend is he is great to shop with. He is the only man I've dated who will answer the questions "Do you like this/Does it make me look fat/Can I pull this off?" honestly. I LOVE it. He told me once that my belt with long necklace was too much, and to pick one or the other. And no, he is def not gay, just a guy who actually cares about clothes lol. :)

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  21. That's why I don't shop with men. :)

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  22. Sounds like shopping with my hubs too

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  23. Alex has the shopping gene. Thank God! The only thing is, if he does it, it's fine. If I do it, I"m being an idiot. (Like with the silk Gucci raincoat.) I wanted it, I was going to pay for it. Why did he have to ruin it for me by blabbing on and on and on about how much it cost. Fine! I won't get It. I stomped off. (Yeah, he got it for me for Christmas.) Still, Alex loves to shop. He loves trying on good stuff and showing me how good it looks on him. The man tries on 5 or 6 pairs of jeans to find "the one". I get bored but I go along with it because then he goes along with me!

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  24. Thankfully, my wife hates mall shopping. I love it though. When we do go together, I love holding her purse. Its the best.

    Shane
    www.calgarydaddy.com

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  25. my husband is actually pretty good to shop with. He checks out his stuff, I check out mine, we critique each other's choices and grab alternate sizes.

    Wanna borrow him? :)

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  26. I let him shop. I don't shop at all. It works for both of us.

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  27. This scene is played out in shopping centres all over the world. It's weird how we never learn.

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  28. LOL! This not only brought back memories, it has reminded me why I am so EXCITED to have my husband go back to work. Shopping with him for everything has been over the top! :-)

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  29. Wow. After reading your story and all the comments, I'm feeling super blessed... my boyfriend loves going clothes shopping with me! We always have way more fun than is expected from going shopping with your boyfriend.

    Someone tell me, will that somehow magically end when we get married?

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  30. Time to contact ABC or NBC...even Blueviolet agrees! Your stories would blow "In The Middle" stories out of the water...

    I so can relate! The only store I can get Scott to shop at is Goodwill, because he can browse the books while I scour for bargains!

    What is it with holes in the jeans? Brad came home with one on Friday!

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  31. You poor thing, although it makes for GREAT blog fodder!!! My husband is really patient with me and always goes shopping with me. He holds all my clothes while I shop and will sit on the little bench by the changing rooms. He's almost gay. But not! :D

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  32. Hehe, with the BF and me it's exactly the other way round. In most stores. He loves electronics, sure, but he also loves clothes-shopping and decoration stuff and everything, and I'm all like, "Let's gooooo! Now! I want chocolate! Buy it and let's GO! CHOCOLATE!" Except for b ook stores, where he has the strict order to drag me out of them without letting me buy anything (and I disobey him everytime - but I could shop through a complete bookstore faster than he can decide between two pairs of jeans).

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  33. So I know that this is not the point, but did you say that *The Hangover* almost made you laugh??! I think I tore stomach muscles laughing at that movie!

    ♥Spot

    PS- Guys suck at "browsing". If you're draggin a guy shopping, get in, get out, make it quick before they have a meltdown.

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  34. I hate shopping w/ my husband, too. He's not too impatient, but he makes me more self conscious. The kids---a whole 'nother story. Ugh.

    And if he'd ever told me I looked like my mother in something, I think I'd croak!

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  35. lol...that's exactly why i leave mine at home!! but i know just what you mean...dang men.

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  36. It's definitely better to shop separately. It's not likely both my husband and I want to spend the same amount of time in the store and even less likely that we want to look at the same things. My husband went to Penney's on his own and got a $26 purple polo shirt for just $1.07 after the store buster sale and the $10 card he had to use. Now that's good shopping!

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  37. I have so been there. But then, he gets me back when we go into Best Buy, so I figure all's fair in love and shopping...

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  38. I have been known to say, "Stop being an ASS!" to my fiance in public. It's embarrassing- I always catch people staring at him when he has his little meltdowns. I want to crawl in a hole and hide whenever I see people shaking their heads. One time, he told me a dress made me look like a "cheap hooker"... I saw at least 4 other guys waiting on their wives gasp and do the "Dude, no no no" head shake. He's actually been very good in stores lately.. including Kohls last weekend. I am wondering if its because we are getting married in less than a month. Cause last weekend he held my clothes and wanted to pick out some clothes for himself.. total shocker! But I feel your pain.. Men are not always fun to shop with!

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  39. Where does the green poop come from?! I've been pondering that for a while now. We just did Kohl's last week. I tried on a swimsuit and about cried. I'm going to try again tomorrow. :S

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  40. Hey Fellow Laundry Girl,

    You could have lifted that conversation from my hubs and me. And that was sooo my husband, always trying to pawn the smallest one off on me.

    My remedy? I have 3 sisters, all of them shopping girls. So, they come visit, we're off for the day.

    Oh, and my hubs ALWAYS says that about our 3 girls, "They have enough clothes."

    And I always answer, "A girl can never have enough clothes or shoes."

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  41. You really could make this a tv show!

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  42. Shopping with men is physically painful.

    The only time I ever enjoy it is when I have been put in charge of dressing a guy friend of mine. That's great because it's like you've got your own life-sized Ken doll who is now trying on a paisley printed shirt because you told him to.

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  43. My husband does the same thing. I refuse to shop with him or the kids. REFUSE!! As in, I won't even attempt it. He once tried to take me shopping to buy some new clothes FOR ME, and I REFUSED! He also tried bringing the boys. I very (not so) politely reminded him that he sucks at shopping and that I would go by myself. Men suck at shopping.

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  44. Ha! This is why department stores totally need bars. Family friendly bars.
    I take Secret Agent Man out for dinner and drinks before I go shopping. If he has enough drinks he even picks out purses for me! :)

    Awesome.
    'Course, I don't have a kid to tag along...but still.

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  45. I totally hate shopping with a man or child. But we still have to do it. maybe next time, Tom will have enough patience so he can get a shirt too.

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  46. Did you use your Kohl's Cash?

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  47. You had me at the shirt that makes you look skinny. Kohl's you said? I'm on it! Can you describe the shirt, exactly? I hope it's not one of those "One size fits most" because they LIE!

    My husband is like Tom IN THE GROCERY STORE! The other day he didn't want me to buy PORK CHOPS because I already had enough stuff in the cart and they would add more weight in the trailer. Really? Freakin' PORK CHOPS? I mean, seriously, we weren't buying the whole damn hog!

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  48. “Wow, dude. Fix it. Fix it now,”

    I'm in love with this man!

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