Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Tornado Scare

The tornado alarm went off as soon as Tommy came home from school.

“What’s happening?” Tommy asked, taking off his backpack. “Are we dying?”

“It’s a tornado warning,” I said and flipped the TV to the local news station.

“KAI-LAN!” Natalie shrieked. “I was watching KAI-LAN! PUT IT BACK ON KAI-LAN!”

“Sweetheart, I need to make sure a tornado isn’t coming for us. Do you want to get blown away?” I wondered.

“Yes! KAI-LAN!”

Well. Of course the three-year-old wouldn’t get it.

But Tommy did. He’s been obsessed with tornadoes ever since we told him that Oklahoma, the place where we’re moving to next, gets a lot of them.

“A tornado? Oh my GOD!” Tommy bellowed. “I’m going to go get my tornado book! Are we going to die?”

Jesus. I was starting to get a little panicked. Especially when Tom went, “I can see it! Give me the camera.” And proceeded to run outside.

I mean.....the HELL? If you can SEE the tornado, common sense would say to GET THE CRAP INSIDE. But no. My husband took MY camera and darted to the front yard with it.



“COME INSIDE!” I begged. I spotted the tornado and was two seconds away from full freak out mode.

“Be right there,” Tom said. He was behaving as though it were a bright sunny day and that there wasn’t a tornado facing us.

We don’t have a basement so I started ushering the kids in the closet.

“Why? Are we going to get blown away? Look what a tornado did to this house!” And Tommy showed me a picture from his tornado book where the house was completely destroyed.

What is wrong with the men in this house? Tommy’s father was currently in the yard photographing the tornado. And Tommy was happily telling me what one could do.

“A tornado can tear through a house in a matter of seconds,” Tommy read from his book.

“Son. Let me have that. You’re scaring Mommy,” I said and tossed it across the room.

“HEY!” Tommy shouted indignantly.

Tom came in then. “I better get ready for work.”

“WORK?!” What was he talking about work for? He couldn’t possibly go to work when there was a tornado looming nearby. Plus, he couldn’t leave me.

“The local news just said that the tornado went away,” Tom said, grabbing his uniform.

“But another one could form,” I reminded him.

The newscaster then reported that funnels were spotted above the military base. Where we were currently residing.

“Oh my God,” I said. I was trying hard not to lose my cool. I had to stay brave for my children.

“It’ll be okay,” Tom said casually. “Just head into the closet if it gets bad.”

“But..” I sputtered.

“It’ll be okay,” Tom repeated.

“But..what if a tornado comes through? I’m not ready to die yet. There is so many things I need to accomplish. Such as getting my book published and having a gay best friend,” I said, wringing my hands nervously.

Tom raised an eyebrow. “A gay best friend?”

I nodded. “Yes. The guys on Modern Family seem awesome. And Tori Spelling has Gunkles. You know, a gay couple who are also considered uncles to her kids.”

Tom blinked at me. “As I said before, you’ll be fine.”

He left soon after that. The tornado alarm sounded again. What I wanted to do was rock back and forth repeating, “He left us. He left us,” like that blond girl on Jurassic Park. But again, I had my kids. So I clapped my hands and went, “Right, isn’t this fun?”

“Are we dying?” Tommy said.

“KAI-LAN!” Natalie screeched.

We waited in the closet until the tornado alarm went off. I was ready to get out of there. It’s SMALL. Plus Tommy totally farted and I wanted to pass out. And also, and I get this sounds bad, I kept thinking, “I hope this is all done by the time Lost comes on.” It’s like, sorry, don’t have time for tornadoes when Lost is on. Come again on Monday when nothing is on. Thanks.

When the alarm stopped the newscaster said we were clear. No more tornadoes, just a threat of a severe thunderstorm.

“So we aren’t going to get blown away?” Tommy’s shoulders slumped with disappointment. Seriously. What is WITH the men in this house?

“KAI-LAN?” Natalie tugged on my shirt.

“Oh…fine…I think we’re okay now.” I put Natalie’s show back on.

“Is another tornado coming someday? Are we going to get blown away then?” Tommy prattled on. He spoke of nothing BUT tornadoes the rest of the night. I’d be all, “Time to brush your teeth,” and he’d be all, “Tornadoes are cool,” and I’d be all, “Time to get in bed,” and he’d be all, “Tornadoes can blow us away.” He even made a paper tornado.

I, for one, hope we never have to experience a tornado barreling through the neighborhood.

Especially on good television night.

69 comments:

  1. You totally crack me up the way you can throw such humor into a serious situation. Bright side is that you kids don't freak! And you didn't miss Lost!

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  2. So glad to see you made it through ok. I'm not a fan of tornados!!
    My brother actually lived through one. Totally turned his home into splinters and threw him into the road and his wife landed in the field ACROSS the road from their house. SCARY!!!!

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  3. oh, they survived... some cracked ribs and they were picking glass from their head/face/arms for about 3yrs....

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  4. Having never lived in a tornado-prone area, I think I would have flipped out in that scenario, as it sounds horrifying!

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  5. OH! I can't believe the picture you got!!

    Amazing! I've never known SOMEONE that close to a tornado.

    I'm going to print your post and put it by the stairwell here...tornado season is acomin'!

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  6. I hate tornadoes. Hatehathehate. I would have been scared to death. My 6 year old is terrified, too. I can't believe Tom was just casually taking pictures when one was that close. What's even more surprising, though, is that guy who's outside by his car. WTF dude? GO IN!

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  7. Glad you're safe :) I sorta freak out over tornado warnings too...I start clearing out the bottom of the hall closet and packing a bag of spare clothes for the kids. You know so if the house blows away the kids will at least have their favorite PJ's. LOL! And I hope you didn't miss Lost :)

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  8. Did you notice that one of your neighbors is outside too in that photo? Crazy people going outside when the alarm goes off. Haven't they seen twister??? :)

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  9. i just looked at what jenn above me said.. there is SOMEONE ELSE outside looking around..

    you guys are funny.. but i getcha.. i woulda sooo been scared!! hubs is from oklahoma.. and to him it isn't a huge thing.. but down here in georgia if we see a wind tunnel we freak.. not really, but you know!

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  10. man I would have freaked...way too close for comfort for me!

    NA that is so my son farting in the closet to k=kill everyone else with his stink!

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  11. Okay, a few comments....

    First, I feel fortunate that my daughter has her GBF. He is wonderful.

    Second, I have lived through several tornados.

    And lastly, I cracked up about your son farting in the closet. My son would so do the same thing.

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  12. Well I am very glad that even though a tornado was visible that it did not harm your home neighborhood or family. Kids...ya gotta love em! They are either completely oblivious, totally scared out of their wits, or they would put themselves in the middle of harms way just to learn more about their fascinating obsession!

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  13. Holy cow! I would have completely freaked out. You were all sorts of calm compared to how I would have behaved.

    KIDS! COME JOIN MOMMY UNDER THE BED!

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  14. Nice to see you can put a humourus spin on a scary situation.

    And I TOTALLY want a GBF too!!

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  15. I don't understand what it is about men that have them so enthused with bad weather. My dad, brother, husband. All of them are outside watching anytime there's bad weather. What's up with that? Maybe its in their genes?!?

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  16. :S how scary!!!

    ohhh brother! The picture is kinda cool though!

    Did you make lost?

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  17. Your next base gets a ton of tornado warnings but I am pretty sure they have basements lol

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  18. As glad as I am there was no tornado aftermath for you to deal with, I'm just as glad you didn't lose television reception so Lost wasn't interrupted!

    (and now I have to go watch last night's Lost so I can get back on the internet and not have it completely spoiled for me!)

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  19. As an Oklahoma City person...get ready. In the last week or so we've had a massive streak of tornadoes that went through the OKC metro, but was only really bad in Norman and past there. But we had our couch cushions in the bathroom ready to go. My almost 4 year old is already used to it. The weather guy on TV said "take your tornado precautions" and she wordlessly gets up and starts carrying cushions to the bathroom.

    We've also had a crazy hail storm, one of the worst the city has ever seen. It missed us here, we live fairly far west in the northern half of OKC (things miss us a lot over here, though a tornado did rip up a Chuck E Cheese about 2 miles from here last spring).

    We are expecting severe weather today and tonight as well. You'll get used to it (maybe). Tom will fit right in, most people run outside to see what they can see.

    Oh, and most houses DON'T have basements, but some (not a lot) have tornado shelters that are usually under the garage or sometimes in the backyard with the doors flat on the ground, and they are like 4x8 and are just for tornadoes. Like the cellar you see in the Wizard of Oz.

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  20. Tornadoes are scary things - and not to be taken lightly. Glad there was not damage!

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  21. That is scary. I am so glad that everything turned out alright.

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  22. glad y'all didn't get blown away. ya we have lots of tornadoes here. but i haven't been blown away yet.

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  23. We aren't exactly in a tornado prone area, but then again when talking about PA...maybe we are. We seem to have our share. I've been through one in 1976 that pretty much wiped out the neighborhood (on a sunny day you can still see all the little dents from debris in the back of my mom's house) and we've had some scary moments over the years.

    I don't know what it is about men. My husband will know it's bad enough to send me, the kids and the dogs to the basement and then he'll go stand outside. Idiots.

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  24. tornadoes freak me out (which is why i live in florida...you can watch a hurricane coming at you for a month and a half...tornadoes just SHOW UP.) and modern family rocks. that is all. thank you.

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  25. I'd like to respectfully submit my application for the position of best friend. ;) :)

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  26. stupid tornado threatening LOST!! Thank goodness it had sense to go another way and leave you in peace :)

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  27. Superb story telling. I could picture it all like a movie in my head. And I know this is going to sound really awful, but I thought if my husband grabbed my camera and ran outside to photograph a tornado, I'd be so worried about my camera!!! ;-D

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  28. What a REALLY funny story! I really did LOL! I hope you realize that you're no different than your daughter! LOST!

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  29. Ok, i swear this is like reading into my own life....you know....if i had kids and a husband. It's totally something that would happen to me. and I'll be damned if the tornado would take MY digital camera. Besides I'd need it to video tape the Popo getting Dorothy'd away cause his dumb a** is outside taking pics. LOL

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  30. My best friend is a gay woman and I loved "The Wizard of Oz"! In Cali all we get are earthquakes!

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  31. Ugh, I hate tornados, even the thought of them creeps me out, it probably doesn't help that my dad is always watching Twister when it's on television.

    My dear husband is a Schwan man and before we started dating, he chased a tornado in his Schwan truck. Men are stupid when it comes to weather.

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  32. I would be scared too!!! It must of been hard to stay calm with the kids...Tom cracks me up!!

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  33. I totally missed Lost last night! Our stupid TV was having issues. I'm going to have to watch it online tonight. Glad you didn't get blown away! I grew up in Ohio where tornadoes are a fairly regular occurance. My husband grew up, where there are virtually none. It's kind of funny when we get tornadoes around here now, because he's freaking out, and I'm all cool and collected...well, mostly.

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  34. click click...did you hear that..that was my suitcase. Clunk, did you hear that, that was my trunk. Vroom, vroom, did youhear that, that is me getting the eff away from there. Holy crap, i would have farted too.

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  35. I'd have been outside with Tom.

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  36. Oh my god! I would freak! I can't believe Tom was out taking pictures!

    Now that's it's all over (at least for now) it was a pretty fricken hilarious story!

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  37. I blame the age of digital photos and immediate internet access for more crazies chasing down storms, chasing down their 15 minutes of fame.
    You do have a talent for putting things into a personal point of view.
    May I suggest you get some emergency videos and a battery operated player for your shelter in Oklahoma.
    OR, to keep your son busy, have him start digging a personal shelter! Doesn't sound like husband is interested.

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  38. That would have scared the bejeebers out of me! I never would have stood there with my camera taking pictures!

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  39. We're getting stationed in Kansas soon & I am SO not looking forward to this "tornado alley" thing. We've had a tornado or two in WI in my lifetime but never big & I've never been there for it. At least Will you have a basement in OK so you don't have to hide in a closet?

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  40. Oh my! Totally with you about Lost.

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  41. I'd be out there with Tom taking pictures of it! From snow to tornadoes....gotta love crazy weather, huh??

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  42. this is hysterical.. and i'm not sure what it is with the male side of our species. clearly, natalie still had her priorities. ain't no little tornado gonna stop that! ha.

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  43. Oh. My. God. I'm with you. If you can see a tornado, you have no business stopping to take a photo of it!

    I hope you rewarded yourself for keeping it together with a nice glass of something alcoholic when it was all over.

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  44. That was such a fun read, although it didn't sound like a fun time! I love your list of things to do before I die.

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  45. I would have freaked out!!

    This is why I live in AZ, no tornadoes, no hurricanes...only 115 degree temps!

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  46. I'm shitting in my pants just reading your story and - OH EM GEE - looking at that picture. I would've freaked out. My kids would have had to hold me. As I rocked.

    We have earthquakes here but I've only felt it once. My kids wanted to know if monsters were shaking their beds. Ah, youth. Altho I don't think they were disappointed to find out it was an earthquake.

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  47. That would totally be my husband outside taking pictures during a tornado. Come to think of it, I'd probably join him after I got the kid and the dog downstairs (of course, assuming Lost wasn't on....)

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  48. Hey, that is me, at least twice a month in tornado season. Joy! Wringing my hands and grabbing our tornado bag for the basement. You really need one of those, you know. A closet just ain't gonna cut it. Tommy's RIGHT.

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  49. I would have been freaking out, too. I mean there were only 2 more episodes of Lost!

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  50. I think you handled yourself wonderfully. I know I would have hit freak out mode in a hurry. And the only way my man would have been allowed to leave is if the tornado itself picked him up and carried him off.

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  51. I think I've told you this before but my mom was an Air Force wife and I often send her your posts (she's not an avid blog reader) because I know she can relate to many of your stories.

    I made her read this one and she laughed heartily. As did I.

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  52. Man, I have more in common with Tommy than a 25 year old woman ought to. He sounds awesome.

    *puts on ex-nanny hat*

    Do this with him! http://www.yesmag.ca/projects/tornado_tube.html

    It'll make his day. :-)

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  53. I love a girl with an over active imagination that can ellicit the panic button at the drop of the hat. A girl after my own heart. Practically like a sister. :) Glad you're safe. I'd be bored as hell without being able to read your blog.

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  54. My hubby would SO be outside taking pics as I'm inside panicking and expecting a horrible death! (I'm obviously a pessimist)

    It is a cool pic, by the way...

    Glad you made it out in one piece!

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  55. I've been through a few tornados.. they are SCARY! My senior year of HS, my mom & dad woke me up at 4am were like "GET DOWNSTAIRS TO THE BATHROOM CLOSEST! TORNADO! GO, GO, GO!"... what a wonderful way to be woke up ;) Glad ya'll are safe! And I'm so glad you got to watch LOST.. I still don't think they will be able to explain everything in the finale on Sunday. I'm already starting to prepare myself so I don't get too P.O.ed ;)

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  56. Tom is lucky you didn't throttle him!

    I think my favorite part of this is where you express your burning desire to have a gay best friend. YES!!

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  57. That had to be scary...and that would SO be my husband running out to see it. Glad it's all ok!!

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  58. I'm absolutely terrified of bad weather... even thunderstorms. I would completely freak out if a tornado touched down that close to me!

    My husband is the same way as yours. Just nonchalant about horrific weather. I don't understand it either.

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  59. Oh and I'm with you on the whole Lost thing... I think the world should STOP when Lost is on. :)

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  60. we always had to stand in doorways... which helps because doorways are far enough that tommy can fart in his own.

    oh. ps. The husband got us new phones to cut down on our bills. as I was trying to figure it out... I totally heard a little voice say I dont YIKE it! no lie.

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  61. Oh my gosh! I would have totally been peeing my pants! Craziness!

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  62. 'Nothin' like a tornado to bring a family together. We have many here in the Ozarks and they always show some footage on the news of some guy who goes out and faces the monster to capture a great pic and I always say...what kinda nut does that! Heeehehe...it's your dear hubby!

    I'm so happy ya'll are safe, they are not to be messed with.

    Have a terrifically blessed day!!!

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  63. I don't like tornados either. We had a couple in the area last Friday. Scary!

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  64. Oh my! You are having wonderful spring storms too! The ones in OK have been pretty wicked this year, softball size hail and a dozen or so tornadoes this season..but you get used to it...although if a tornado were that close to my house I would probably not be taking pics either!!!

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  65. I'm glad you are all okay. That is one incredible picture!

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  66. You're a wonderful writer! I really feel like I'm write there with you.

    You do need to write a book!

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  67. By the way, I submitted this post to Digg (under comedy, because I wasn't sure what category was best).

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  68. Holy Crap! I would have totally freaked. I grew up in CT- which even though isn't well known for tornadoes, we still had to learn where to go in case of one. Scary!

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  69. I hear ya. At least if a tornado comes, let it be during reruns.

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