Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mederma Fail!

I moved seductively over to my husband Tom.

I closed my eyes and leaned in for the kiss, expecting him to gather me into his arms.

“Why do you smell like medicine?”

My eyes flew open at Tom’s question. Why was he rambling on about medicine when we were about to share a kiss? Maybe I heard him wrong. So I closed my eyes again and leaned in again.

“Seriously, you smell like medicine.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded. I wanted to add, “you ungrateful asshole,” but I didn’t.

“You smell weird,” Tom admitted.

Then I understood what he was talking about. See, I had started putting on this stuff:



And okay, while it doesn’t smell the greatest, I certainly would say that it smelled like medicine.

“That’s the stretch mark cream,” I explained. “I’m hoping to get rid of my stretch marks.” I really wish I could be like one of those ladies who are proud of their stretch marks but I’m not. I’m sick of my stomach looking as though someone has taken a knife to it. I used to have a tight stomach, for craps sake.

Tom should be THANKING ME for wanting to better myself.

“It smells weird,” Tom prattled on.

Seriously, could he just DROP the smell thing already?

So because I was insulted, guess who slept on the couch that night?

Well.

No one. Mainly because Tom is stubborn and no matter how upset we are with each other, he’s not about to sleep on the tiny uncomfortable couch. Me either, for that matter.

Guess who DIDN'T get lucky?

Well.

No one.

Because I’m a woman and I have needs and my husband will be in Korea in 2 months for an entire year.

So there.

49 comments:

  1. So, does it actually work? I haven't ever even been pregnant, and I have a road map to The Hoff's house on my body.

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  2. maybe you should hold off on the cream for the next 2 months then use it while he is away!

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  3. I love it that no one slept on the couch - or missed out on the fun stuff ;)

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  4. Good luck - I am way past getting rid of my stratch marks. Too bad they don't have a tummy tuck cream...
    Good luck at your Zumba class (I do it too. Why, I am not exactly sure because I hate it. It must be something about the pole dancing instructor and her coordination that distracts me).
    Best,
    Colleen

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  5. Hmmm... That has the be the strangest foreplay I ever heard of... talk of weird medicine smells leads to sex.

    :) Tom, you smooth talker you.....

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  6. LOL!! Totally understand the "women have needs thing", in our relationship my sex drive far outdistances my husband's and he knows I am highly unlikely to ever turn him down :) I think you would enjoy this post, written by a military wife re: sex life when your husband is deployed. The link should take you directly to the post, I tested it first and it worked (although that doesn't always mean it will work for someone else, computers like to screw with me!)

    http://exploitsofamilitarymama.com/2010/05/skype-sex-its-like-phone-sex-with-make-up/

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  7. My husband is 6'5", he isn't sleeping on the couch either. I love that because it forces us to work it out.

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  8. Yea, I wanna know if it's working. I might risk the smell of it if it works. Yes . . . I have stretchmarks . . . That's what happens when you go from 154 to 194 in 5 years . . .

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  9. No denying happens for my hubs either since he is only home on weekends...who wants to deny yourself!

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  10. If the smell is too medicinal, then try the scar zone stuff (its a silicone-based cream). It smells like the green-tea and cucumber Dove's body wash. Not sure how well it works on stretch marks, but it as definitely made a few of my scars less red and bumpy.

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  11. I want to know if it actually works!

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  12. Wait till Tom leaves and then use it every day for the full year. If he comes home and you have no stretch marks, he'll be not only amazed,but sure you weren't hanging out with the tennis pro either while he was gone. (Actually, Tom doesn't even see your stretch marks Amber and you know it.)

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  13. Hahaha... that will show him. ;) Hope it works for you.

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  14. Hahaha!! I hope he can get past it for the next two months :)

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  15. I was going to say the same thing as your first commentor. Men!!!

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  16. Ok you totally cracked me up today

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  17. : ) You are so funny!
    Korea for a year.
    WHAT THE HECK!

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  18. Let me get this straight. You were TRYING to make the moves on the man and he made a stink about a stink?!?! Oh my. MEN!

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  19. Oh my, at least you know he can be honest and forthright with you..

    Maybe the mederma needs to go on after...

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  20. Well, at least you know not to squander any time on couch-sleeping!? Does that stuff work?

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  21. Well, if your hubs has stretch marks of his own, he might possibly be healing them now unknowingly!

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  22. Bahahahaha! I love that the Mederma didn't get in the way of your "romantic interlude" lol

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  23. Could of been worse and been Vicks! lol

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  24. Get it girl! At least ONE of us is having a little fun! Stretch cream or no stretch cream! :)

    GOOD FOR YOU! ha!

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  25. You gotta get yours girl!! You crack me up by the way.

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  26. My husband refuses to sleep on the couch too.

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  27. What can you say? A girl's got needs alright!

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  28. I just love the way you wrote this. Already beginning to feel your impending separation. Boo.

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  29. What they should do is make it bacon scented ... he'd be all over you!

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  30. MILF scars MILF scars!

    and there is always laser therapy ;)

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  31. LOL...love reading your blog :-)

    Anna

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  32. 失去金錢的人,失去很多;失去朋友的人,失去更多;失去信心的人,失去所有。..................................................................

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  33. OMG you always crack me up so much! I just love seeing what your daily blog post will be each day. Have a great day and wonderful weekend my friend! :o)

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  34. I was thinking about trying that stuff, b/c the twins gave me horizontal stretch marks on top of the vertical ones I had...so it looks like millions of tic tac toe boards on my tummy...good times.

    I could be covered in dirt, not showered in 2 weeks, and it wouldn't stop my husband!

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  35. Well, I sense a trip to target coming up here. However? I have no stretch marks from pregnancy- don't hate. I got cellulite instead.

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  36. Yep, my husband wouldn't care about the medicine smell either. Or not showering. Or being covered in baby goo. or or or. LOL

    Now, my question is, does it work? My stomach looks like a road map to no where after 4 kids. ROFL

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  37. AH ha ha ha!!! So funny. You just let me know how that stuff works. I'm like a road map. You should do what other gf did when her dh was deployed - get a tummy tuck. Not that you need one. AT ALL. Hmm... maybe you could try that laser treatment. I'm all for you being the guinea pig for us and writing all the funny stuff that goes along with procedures like that!

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  38. You go girl... I bet you used the old wheels on the bus move to get him past the smell ;)

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