Friday, August 20, 2010

The Things That I've Done...

Tom has been gone for over two weeks now. This means that I had to learn to do a variety of things on my own.

Here are a few things that I’ve done, so far:





1. Changed lightbulbs in awkward areas. When you’re short, changing lightbulbs isn’t as easy as it sounds. In order to change that one I had to get on a chair and stand on my tip toes. When Tom was here he’d have the bulb changed in less than a minute. It took me over ten minutes and when I was done I called the lightbulb a string of swear words as well as flipping it off.





2. Deal with disgusting bugs. Now, okay, this bug looks tiny, but it had a long THING poking from its ass. Therefore, I didn’t want to deal with it. If Tom were here he’d have grabbed his shoe, smashed the bug on the wall and said, “There.” Then he’d be all chuffed as though he expected an award and I’d be all, “Aren’t you going to deal with the carcass?” and he’d be like, “I killed it, you get to deal with that part.” So not fair! What I ended up doing with this bug is sucking it up the vacuum. And now I’m afraid to turn on the vacuum, lest it comes flying out. I wonder if I could run next door and say, “Could you turn this on for me?”





3. Made fun of things like this on TV on my own. In the past we’d have totally mocked Gary from Teen Mom bouncing around dressed as a bunny. It’s not as fun to mock on your own I’ve found.





4. Clean up “artwork”—wait a minute, I always did this on my own. But when I’d scrub it off, I’d usually rant to Tom and be all, “Your daughter made a mess today,” and he’d say something like, “Oh, she’s just my daughter now is she?” Now I just mutter angrily under my breath and count down the days until Natalie starts preschool.





5. Try to explain to Tommy that when he’s older that yes, he’ll have hair. Down there. He came up to me the other night and went, “So when I’m older, I’ll have hair on my penis?” and I wanted the floor to suck me up. Normally I’d send Tommy over to Tom because I’m sorry, just saying the word penis makes me giggle. It’s a funny word. Now Tom isn’t here so I had to stutter my response. “Er…yes….when you’re older you will have hair..” *Tugs on shirt collar* “Down there.” Maybe I could have asked Tom over Skype but I get paranoid that sometimes other people can hack into our conversation and if they overhear “penis” and “hair” they might thing something raunchy is going down. (Or that we have a bizarre hair stylist business.)

50 comments:

  1. You've certainly been busy.

    The bug and the mocking TV alone would be the hardest for me.

    I'm glad you made it through the long poky ass bug.

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  2. hahaha - I agree - a bug with a long THING coming out of its ass is enough to send me squirming out of the room and hope DH deals with it.

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  3. If you ever need to mock garry from teen mom, you can call me (want my number?) I will happily assist you!

    Him and amber are both a hot mess express! THAT POOR DAUGHTER!

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  4. oooooooooh i am laughing sooo hard over number 5.. lol

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  5. I was telling my husband the other day that I don't know if our kids will use politically correct genital terms. Only because, I too, think the word penis is totally laughable.

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  6. Wow! You deserve mom of the year award or something. Bugs, penises, light bulb, how do you do it all?

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  7. clearly I'm not 'mature' enough to have kids yet haha -- I was mortified for you that little Tommy said the P word to you and then I giggled...out loud!

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  8. You certainly have been coping with a variety of problems! I remember vacuuming up some spiders and it was ages before I would believe they were dead and, more's the point, wouldn't have reproduced while in the hoover bag and become an army of thousands.

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  9. I would have been mortified if my boy asked me that question! You handled it well! :)

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  10. My son told me he had hair "down there" when we were driving down the highway about 65 mph. I nearly had a head on collison...LOL

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  11. You definitely need someone to mock tv shows with! That would be the hardest. I think I'd have my kids kill the scary bugs.

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  12. All those things that you're having to do by yourself...they'll be easier the next time! You are coping well, Amber. And it's good to get used to saying the real words for body parts, so the shock value goes away and you can easily discuss whatever questions might come up in the future. Just my 2 cents.

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  13. Sounds like a good week! As a single mom, I am not looking forward to The Talk about penises (giggle) and other stuff. You are doing great!

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  14. I know the feeling...Ive had to kill scorpions! ICK!

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  15. The bugs and lightbulbs are Patrick's deal, too. I would be infested with critters and living in the dark if he was gone for a full year. You are a STRONG WOMAN to do it by yourself, Amber!

    Also, "penis" is easy. Just wait till you have to say "vagina" to your son. SERIOUSLY. That? Will make you cringe and giggle and do the eeewwwww dance. Trust me.

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  16. Just wanted to stop by and let you know that you won an award on my blog!

    http://mckenzieinwa.blogspot.com/2010/08/more-truth-5-question-friday-friday.html

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  17. At least you're getting some good writing material out of Tom's absence. Especially #5. I nearly spat out my water!

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  18. hair down there???...you CRACK me up!!!

    Kyle was the same way. Now that is just turned 14 he still refuses to put on deodrant until he has armpit hair. I keep telling him you don't need arm pit hair to stink!

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  19. How old is Tommy? God help me, I know it's coming soon with mine.

    But he doesn't think he's going to have hair on his ACTUAL penis? Right? Does he know it will just be "in the region"? Because a hairy penis is a frightening thought.

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  20. Ugh, you must now deal with bugs along?

    That's just wrong.

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  21. I hear ya on the last one... as a single Mom, I have to handle all the "penis" questions. Yeah me.

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  22. Im so impressed with you.. I couldnt do the bugs. I refuse to use the vacuum since hubby vacuumed up a spider in it weeks ago. Now, floors are his job. hhahahaha penis hahaha I am so happy I only have one year old.
    I watch teen mom, hubby will not sit through it- so I am stuck mocking alone... I laughed so hard at the mention of the bunny suit. My hubby walked in at that moment on the show- saw the bunny suit and my sneaky smile and said "No, I will not ever wear a bunny suit" and promtly left the room.

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  23. I always do the "look what your son/daughter did" whenever they do something unpleasant :)
    Oh and #5...I'm SO with you on that...I haven't even taught him that word yet (shame on me)...soon enough...soon enough.

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  24. We have one of those bugs hanging out on the wall by the ceiling in our kitchen—and I refuse to deal with it. So I feel your pain.

    I'd loan you my hub, but the commute's a little far.

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  25. I thought I told you to get a step ladder young lady! (chairs are for sitting not standing on) Don't want you hurt changing light bulbs or wacking bugs.
    So yes, you'll be stuck with all the dad things for the next year, sorry military wife.

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  26. I feel your pain on all of these. But I think I know the solution to your light fixture dilemma. Next time just take the cover off. That bottom piece unscrews the shade so that you don't have to stand tippy-toed on the step ladder; which is very dangerous, young lady (said in my best mom voice).

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  27. You let Tommy go on believing he'd have hair ON his penis??? EW! I'm going to have nightmares tonight for sure.

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  28. You go military momma!

    Ya know, it seemed that all kinds of wierd stuff came up when Ian left for Iraq....like putting new string in the weed eater! I couldn't get the thing open!

    At least those men are good for something! :)

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  29. Killing a bug!?!

    How brave.

    ;)

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  30. Well that certainly runs the gamut from the ridiculous to the sublime. Oh wait-- there was no 'sublime' in that, was there? Well, you wore a lot of hats, shall we say... But see?? You're capable of a lot more than you thought you were!

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  31. I remember calling it my "front bottom" and asking my mom what was wrong with hers

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  32. Oj jeez, the "hair" question already. Good luck honey.
    xo jj

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  33. I always end up changing lightbulbs...although my husband helpfully points out when they are blown (in case sitting in total darkness isn't, you know, a good sign).
    I make fun of all the parents (except the couple that gave their baby up for adoption; they are the most mature BY FAR) on Teen Mom. They really don't have a clue, do they? Not even at the "Year Later" show.
    Not looking forward to the "hair down there" convo some day. But I guess if they have to ask, it should be me. *sigh*

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  34. Number 5 is hilarious...and I really liked your post about Tommy yesterday!

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  35. Your blog is awesome! Changing the bulb, good job, sucking up the little pesty insect, I'd do that too, but your son asking if he'd get hair on his penis....freakin priceless!

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  36. I'm with you on the mocking thing... Hang in there!

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  37. Thanks for all your sacrifices for our country! Not just your husband's; but yours as well.

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  38. the last (commentary) had me laughing so hard I got rootbeer in my nose!

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  39. Hilarious. I don't do bugs. Nope. You are a brave woman indeed. I would rather have snakes in my house than bugs. I hate them THAT much. ;0) Oh, Gary in the bunny suit is hilarious. My daughter and I watch that show. I do believe she is convinced motherhood at 16 may not be a glamorous as it looks. Hoping that message will stick.

    Thanks for popping by my blog this week. ;0) And thanks for the sacrifices you and your family make so our country can be safe.

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  40. Wow, bugs and penises in the same post? Amazing. I was wondering where Tommy was. Now I feel like I have too much info. ;P

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  41. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」............................................................

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  42. I found Gary in the bunny suit to be very scary. Very. Were they trying to scare us on purpose?

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  43. Tommy cracks me up.

    And that bug? EW.

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  44. See? You rock! I would have sent the boys over to my dads rather than try to explain MAN hair to them myself!

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  45. As for the bug in the vacuum cleaner - the negative pressure inside should have killed it.

    (That's why all stories about spider babies crawling from vacuum cleaners are definitely urban legends. Negative pressure lets bugs explode. Just like with "Alien" in the end - the book, not the movie.)

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  46. Oh my goodness, I had so many comments to make on each section, but it all went out the door with "hair... down there"! It's stories like this that make nervous to have kids someday!

    Have a happy Monday - with less awkward convos!
    Jessica

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  47. Just THINK of the list of accomplishments you'll have at the end of the year! I'm so proud of you!

    I just love those "sex" questions the kids throw at us. Can we say, "AWKWARD"?

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  48. I have to say, I've never vacuumed a live bug off the wall. Creative solution! Hang in there ... you're doing great!

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