“Glen! Step away from the tree! I see you standing there, Glen, and I’m not kidding, I will learn how to make antelope jerky, so help me!”
I was screaming outside my front door at an antelope, who I’ve named Glen. Glen, you see, keeps eating the tree that some commander on this base strangely decided to plant in my yard. (He didn’t do it personally, he just gave the order. I’d have been amused to see him do it personally though.) I mean, hello, commander? You do realize that this base is filled with wandering antelope who like to eat plants?
One of those antelope is Glen. Now, okay, I’m not entirely sure if it’s the same antelope that munches on the tree. They sort of all look the same. Brown fur, white asses. But I’m pretty certain it’s the same one. Why? Because unlike most antelope, when I approach, Glen slowly walks away like, “Ugh, this witch again.” Other antelope run off as though Kathy Griffin were dancing above your head or something. But Glen....well, Glen is an asshole, no question about it.
(I know any members of PETA reading this are probably horrified. I apologize. Animals are lovely creatures, really, but not when they eat stuff that I’m working hard to grow in my yard.)
Want to see my depressing tree?
And yes, I even surrounded it with fence to keep Glen out. But he pushes his ugly mouth through the holes in the fence and chows down.
That is what he was doing when I shouted at him.
“Glen! Go eat some grass. Do you hear me? EAT THE GRASS NOT THE TREE!” I was in my driveway now. One of my neighbor’s friends was getting out of her car and did a double take when she saw a barefoot woman clad in sweats and an oversized t-shirt threatening the local wildlife. Most of my neighbors get my quirkiness (they’ve witnessed me running into the side of my house in order to get my daughter to laugh many times and have heard me bellow, “Please put on your pants!” to my kids and sometimes even my husband too) but this woman clearly didn’t know what to think of me. She blinked in my direction and looked from Glen to me and back to Glen and then hurried into her friend’s house.
This is Glen by the way:
Doesn’t he just LOOK sneaky? And notice how he’s calmly wandering around. He’s probably telling his antelope friends, “There’s a great tree in this crazy woman’s yard. Let’s go eat it and piss her off!”
Glen finally walked away but not before shooting me an evil look and taking a crap in my yard.
Thanks a lot, Glen.