Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Inappropriate Question

“So, what is the cool thing to do at school these days?” I asked Tommy.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Eat, I guess.”

Um. What? Eat? Seriously?

Why did I ever think going to a restaurant with the kids was a good idea? I mean, striking up a conversation with an eight and a three-year-old isn’t the easiest thing. Not that Tom and I would chatter the entire time when we’d go out. Usually he’d get distracted by the television and I’d be prattling on, thinking he was listening, but then he’d shout, “YES!” when his team made a touchdown which would always startle me.

I decided to take the kids to Texas Roadhouse because I was craving the steak. How I love steak. I was working hard on getting my offspring to converse with me so it would help pass the time along.

“What’s your favorite subject at school?” I inquired.

“Mommy!” Natalie cut in. I looked over and she stuck her straw up her nose. It’s something she would have never done if Tom were with us.

“Take that out. It’s disgusting,” I ordered.

Natalie listened but then she took the cinnamon butter and stuck her tongue all over it. Excuse me, I was EATING that.

“I like science,” Tommy answered. He was working hard on coloring his picture that the waitress had given him. I noticed in the corner he had written the word BORED. Well, excuse me.

“Hey Mommy?” Tommy said.

I leaned forward. He was TALKING to me. He wanted to CONVERSE.

“Yes?” I tried not to sound too hopeful. Sounding too hopeful might make him snap back into one word sullen responses. I bit into a roll—how I love the rolls—and sipped my sweet tea.

“My friend at school told me something,” Tommy began. He looked nervous and my heart dropped. Oh my God, what if his friend told him about crack? Can that start this young? Third graders whispering back and forth about drugs?

“What is it?” I placed my hand over Tommy’s. I noticed his nails were all bitten down. He takes after his mother.

“He said,” Tommy swallowed. “He said that cock was another word for penis.”
I nearly spit out the tea I had just taken a drink of. Did I hear that right? Did my precious son say the c-word at me?

And should I lie and say that no, his friend was misinformed, that cock was an inappropriate name for a chicken?

But then what if we’re out and he sees a chicken and he’s all, “A cock!”

Oh God.

Why wasn’t Tom here? Why did I have to go through all of these embarrassing questions on my own? And why did Tommy always ask about the male appendage in restaurants? Last year we were at Chilis and he bluntly asked where Max’s penis was—right as the waitress cane by. I was mortified. At least the waitress at Texas Roadhouse didn’t hear this.

“That word isn’t appropriate,” I finally said. “It’s an inappropriate word for…” I lowered my voice, “penis.”

Please don’t let Tommy continue to prod about this. Please....

“Here, have the last roll,” I said, shoving the basket in his face. “What do you think about these rolls?”

Tommy picked it up. “Good.”

Oh. Lovely. Now he was back to sullen responses.

“Natalie,” I said, focusing on her. She had cinnamon butter on her nose. “So what’s going on with you?”

“I like butter and I like flowers,” she responded.

So okay. Not exactly stimulating but at least she hadn’t uttered an inappropriate word.

And, she actually seemed interested to let me know that she was a fan of butter and flowers.

I will take it.

58 comments:

  1. I'm glad those days are over for me, unless the grandchild starts in. But then I can pass that off to the parents deftly, I hope. ;)

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  2. ROFLMAO. The fact you tried to take your kids out to dinner alone amazes me. NO WAY I would ever do that...but then my kids are 4 and 2.

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  3. Luckily, I got my stepdaughter as a teen - I say "lucky" since I missed THOSE conversations. However, I know there are many other conversations ahead. You are a brave woman, my dear.

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  4. Ha...I am glad to know that I am not the only mom to encounter such questions in restaurants! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

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  5. My granddaughter will be 14 in 2 weeks and she can talk you into a coma. I'm not kidding. After about 10 minutes I have to ask her to take a breath because my eyes are rolling up in my head. I'm with Natalie - I like butter and flowers, too. Good luck with the penis stuff!

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  6. Oh geez, I'm so scared for this phase!! :)

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  7. Oh, I would have been terrified. I mean it's nice he wanted to talk to you and all, but wowzers! That's too young to say that word, right?

    Hey, my Natalie likes butter, too! I actually posted a picture today of her eating a fork-full of the stuff.

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  8. I just hope she was so involved in licking the cinnamon butter that the word slipped right on by her and didn't stick for later vocab usage. ;)

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  9. Well, at least he told you, lol. :-D They always ask mom those questions, even if dad was home...they never ask DAD- jeesh.

    My family is banned from Texas Roadhouse in any southern state due to a choke-puke-contagious around the table projectile vomiting session by my nephew, daughter and waiter. It wasn't purty, let me tell ya.

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  10. Oh my gosh! LOL!! I can't imagine trying to answer that question...sounds like you did pretty good!

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  11. Good God! Some days I don't know how you do it. I think if I were you, I would have rather had a conversation with him about the crack.

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  12. AH! I can't believe kids are busting out that word already.

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  13. Give yourself a star! He asked YOU and not some random kid from class. That has to mean something!

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  14. oh goodness...!!! cock.. huh?
    lol...

    but now.. i am just FAMISHED for some texas roadhouse.. lol

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  15. Oh my gosh that is so funny! We are South Carolina Gamecock fans in this house, so I'm sure one day I'll get a question or 10 about this topic lol.

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  16. Geez.

    I know the feeling.

    Colin's friends have yet to introduce him to any inappropriate words at school, but I did once have to explain to him what "dick" meant. Long story, but it was my fault. Oops.

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  17. Oh man, the things I have to look forward to with my sons! :-)

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  18. That reminds me.... we still need to have some form of a "talk" with our sheltered 8 year old.

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  19. Lol! I cant wait until Kyron starts this! Mot really....

    Shane

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  20. Oh, boys are fun. And I could really eat some peanuts and rolls right now.

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  21. Just came across your blog and I have to say, you are absolutely hilarious! I really enjoyed reading this story. :)

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  22. My daughter is too shy to ask about anything like that. I had to sit her down and teach her appropriate words for everything and told her some of the slang words too and she just got all embarrassed.

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  23. I love your blog so much- it always makes me LOL. Your kids are hilarious and your stories about Tom remind me so much of my husband :)

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  24. I can't even figure out how I'll act when cock questions start surfacing with my kids.

    Oh, and Texas Roadhouse rules.

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  25. hahaha. I love it.
    and I adore Natalie's response. I too love butter and flowers. I just hadn't put them together before...

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  26. Oh my Gosh, I am so not ready for those types of conversations. As a teacher I could always say "That is not appropriate for school. Please talk to your parents about it". I would then have to write a note home or call to forwarn parents, but still I didn't have to do it.

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  27. Ooohh My Goodness!!! I'm scared to hear what my niece's have to say when I visit them next month, thanks for the heads up. On a positive note, at least he wasn't asking about drugs!

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  28. This was a very funny post but you kinda lost me at honey butter. Mmmm.....honey butter.

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  29. The things they learn at school!

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  30. Kids these days . . . Ugh. I think you handled it perfectly.

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  31. Phew. I think you dodged the bullet there. I'm not looking forward to the day when I stop looking forward to hearing new words and start dreading them.

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  32. Their rolls are good enough to distract from almost any conversation, I think.

    OMG. Cock. One of my boys told me that his penis is shaped like a volcano in the mornings. I wanted to die.

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  33. wow -- you handled that eloquently and thank goodness he wanted the last roll!! how will i manage to make it through any of this! I am going to have to keep a direct link to your blog once I have kids...you may receive many emails lol

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  34. Your kids are hysterical. And so are you, Amber!

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  35. And thats what you get for trying to talk to your kids! lol

    And now you've gona and made me crave those rolls again!

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  36. Oh my! My little guy brought home "whatever" from kindergarten. I'm not looking forward to more new words.

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  37. Gotta love those friends - you just know that kid has older siblings. Whenever mine brought home inappropriate words, etc that he learned at school - it was always the friend with older siblings that taught it to him.

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  38. Kids are great!! This is hilarious and I loved it!!!

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  39. So, I know I should be all over the inappropriate statement but I'm all distracted by Texas RoadHouse...absolutely our favorite steak house...yeah you for loving it too!!

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  40. ROTFL!!! In Japan, people often mispronounce cook, and say cock. It's unfortunate, as my father was a cook, and I get easily offended... Great post!

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  41. Oh my word... when my oldest was in second grade she asked me what a bl** job was... she heard some kids talking about it. I totally freakied and was unprepared but she is 18 now and I don't think i scared her to bad with my answer. At least you had rolls!!

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  42. I had tears streaming down my face reading this one. You just gotta love third grade boys and their wonderful questions. Like my mother and father tell me when I share my sons embarassing questions, atleast he feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

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  43. As a single mom to a boy, I am dreading those "talks". You handled it very well!

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  44. I love how you capture the conversations between you and your kids! :) They are priceless!

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  45. haha...I remember those days. Best just to answer the questions as they come up and try not to let on that your embarrassed. And no...they're not too young to know about drugs...

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  46. Oh my goodness. Why had this never crossed my mind when we decided to have a child?! I'm not ready for that. My baby is three and a half now. Thanks for making me laugh. :) Now I am craving Texas Roadhouse at 9:47pm and the nearest one is at least two hours away.

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  47. Thank gawd it wasn't the other c-word. Dodged a bullet right there.

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  48. LOL! that brought back memories! I had to do all the difficult conversations and still do. As the years pass, I look back on them and smile...

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  49. Where is Max's penis?

    Kids. They are so funny.


    LisaDay

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  50. I thought you'd be used to the penis blurtings by now! Well, you will soon. :)

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  51. I hope she doesn't butter the flowers, but if she licks the butter and eats flowers I guess it's almost the same thing.

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  52. I thought you handled that pretty well!

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  53. OMG! Where does an 8 year old hear that word? I'm officially scared for when my girls go to school. Holy crap!

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  54. We're going through a "cock" phase right now. Maddie can't pronounce "truck" "cake" "cupcake" or "chocolate" correctly and her word for all of them is "cock." We went to a playdate yesterday at a learning gym and it was next to a construction site with tons of dump trucks coming and going. The entire time, each time one came roaring by, she'd run to the window and shout "COCK!!!!! COCK!!!!!" I was MORTIFIED!

    Hopefully your answer satisfied his curiosity enough to know he shouldn't say it!

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  55. Both butter and flowers are fantastic, so I'm glad she has pure interests.

    Also, those rolls are magical. Not only are they delicious but they also manage to distract your son long enough so he can't ask about any other inappropriate words for penis.

    Lord knows there's a list.

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  56. BWAA HA HA! Oh honey, i am not laughing at you just laughing because I have had the same conversation three different times and boy it is funny when it is someone elses kid.

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  57. I do hope the steak was worth it...

    LOL!

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