Maybe it wasn’t a great idea.
But I had a craving for nachos so dammit, I was going to try.
“Now, listen to me,” I said as I drove the car. I peeked in the rearview mirror at my kids. “You both have to behave. If you get out of your seats and run around, we’re going home. If you yell at any part of the movie, we’re going home. The only time it’s acceptable to shout during a movie is when Elijah Wood, John Krasinksi or Torrance Coombs appear for the first time but only briefly, for no more than three seconds, otherwise it’s rude. No throwing popcorn, no putting your feet up against the seat in front of you, because I hate when people do that to me. Okay?” I parked in front of the movie theater and faced the kids.
Tommy tapped his chin. “So we can only yell if Elijah Woods, John Kaka, or Torrance Comb comes on the screen?”
I sighed. “Tommy, it’s Elijah Wood, John Krasinski and Torrance Coombs. And yes, that’s correct.”
Tommy shrugged. “Okay. I’ll be good.”
He wasn’t who I was worried about. I was worried about the little terror who sat comfortably in her cow print Britax grinning at me as though she had an evil plan up her sleeve. It’s amusing how petrified of a three-year-old I can get. I mean, I’m taller than her, much older, therefore I should have the upper hand, right? But no. She has super lungs that make her yell extra loud, and she’s faster than any kid I’ve seen. She’ll be down the street before I can blink.
“Are you going to be good, Natalie?” I narrowed my eyes, trying to look like a scary mother.
“I’ll be good,” Natalie promised, but she’s promised me that before and then mayhem ensued.
“If you aren’t good, Rapunzel is going to be upset,” I said. I know it’s wrong to lie, but a mother has to do what a mother has to do.
And yes. We were seeing that Tangled movie.
“No, she won’t. Rapunzel likes me,” Natalie said matter-of-factly. She believes that everyone likes her, mainly because people usually comment on how pretty/well dressed/ well behaved (ha, snort!) she is when I take her out in public.
“Only if you listen while watching her movie,” I answered. “She’s not going to be pleased if you make noises while she’s trying to sing.”
“I’ll be good,” Natalie repeated.
So into the theater we went. I forked over an insane amount of money for the three of us, and then went to get my beloved nachos.
Plus a seven dollar bag of popcorn for the kids to share.
By the time we finished, I felt I paid one of our car payments.
“Up front!” Natalie said, as we went to find our seats. The strange kid actually wanted to sit in the very front, the seats where you have to crane your neck to see.
“I think not.” I nodded my head towards the middle. “We’re sitting here.”
“Oh, fine,” Natalie sighed.
We settled down, and I handed the kids their 3D glasses.
“I don’t like this. I want pink,” Natalie said primly, handing them back.
“They only have them in black.”
“I want pink,” Natalie said, neck high, as though she were a Princess herself.
“There is no pink,” I said, feeling my patience start to wear thin.
“No glasses then,” Natalie said, getting comfortable in her seat. “No glasses.”
“Fine. The movie will look funny, but fine. No glasses. I just want to enjoy my nachos and my overpriced diet coke.” I took a bite out of a chip and sighed with pleasure. Nachos are so good.
“Mommy,” Natalie said as I bit into a cheese covered chip. “I have to pee.”
“I knew it!” Tommy yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “We can’t go anywhere without her having to pee!”
So of course I had to take Tommy with us, because hello, a darkened theater is just asking for someone to swipe him. I left all our food there and hoped that no one would eat it. Into the bathroom we went, where Natalie hummed a song and took her time. She produced a squirt of pee, and took five minutes washing her hands, so by the time we made it back, the movie was about ready to start.
And yes, our food was still there.
The movie was entertaining, although someone brought a loud baby to see it. And this baby clearly wasn’t interested, because it kept yelping every few minutes. I get that children’s movies mean that there could be some noisy kids, but honestly, if the kid keeps it up, please remove it. I’m not about to fork over a bunch of money to hear Junior carry on.
Both of my kids behaved. Natalie refused to wear her non-pink glasses but still seemed to like the movie.
Only Tommy had an issue with the romantic scenes and he said if we bought the movie on DVD that he’s just fast forward to the good parts.