The following conversation happened online a couple hours after I had called Tom on Skype...
TOM: I don’t know how you manage to give me the cold shoulder when we are half a world apart but you do.
TOM: Come on, I know you’re there.
TOM: I’m going to keep messaging you until you respond. I already said I was sorry. I still don’t see what the big deal is.
AMBER: The big deal is you didn’t tell me someone was in the room with you as I rambled on about an embarrassing subject and sat in my Happy Bunny pajamas with hair that was not brushed.
TOM: Ha! I knew you were there. I knew you couldn’t stay silent for too long.
AMBER: Oh stop being a baby, I just ignored you for two hours. With good reason.
TOM: A dumb reason.
AMBER: Tom, the first time I “meet” the people you hang out with in Korea, I want to be dressed in regular clothes with brushed hair. You let me ramble on in my Happy Bunny pajamas, not telling me that your friend was in the corner, listening to everything I was saying, able to see me.
TOM: It was fine. He probably wasn’t even paying much attention, he was flipping through a magazine.
AMBER: It was not fine. I was talking about how I thought that waxing in between your butt would hurt, Tom. That’s not exactly what I want to be talking about when I “meet” one of your friends for the first time. You could have said, “Hey, I have a buddy in the room with me, go easy on the anal speak.”
TOM: Did it really matter? So what, he heard you talking about waxing.
AMBER: WAXING BUTT HAIR!
TOM: He thought it was funny.
AMBER: I was in my PAJAMAS!
TOM: I’m sure he likes Happy Bunny.
AMBER: Tom, I know that men talk and now he’s going to go back to your co-workers and be like, “I “met” Tom’s wife. She sat in pajamas, had unkempt hair and talked about waxing ass hair.”
TOM: So what?
AMBER: Suppose I had stripped for you? What then?
TOM: Please, you did that once and you didn’t get all the way naked because you lost your balance and smacked into the bookcase.
AMBER: You saw boobage! What if your friend had seen my boobs?
TOM: He’d have been grateful, there are a lot of sexually frustrated men here.
TOM: It wasn’t as bad as you thought. You were the one who had a fit when you heard him cough and demanded to know who he was. It was like you thought he was a chick.
AMBER: He coughs like a girl, it sounded feminine so excuse me for going, “What the f*ck is going on?”
TOM: I would just think that *that* would be what you were embarrassed about when you met him for the first time, not talking about butt hair. Cursing out someone upon meeting them for the first time is not a good impression.
AMBER: After I saw he had a penis, I said hello.
TOM: Then you said that you had to go and made up some excuse that you had to stop Natalie from sticking Qtips down her pants.
AMBER: That, sadly, was not an excuse. She was sticking Qtips down her pants.
TOM: Then after you logged off Skype you sent me a mean message saying that you were appalled that I didn’t tell you that someone was in the room and how could I let you ramble on about waxing butt hair like that?
AMBER: I was pissed. Next time, tell me if you aren’t alone and I’ll talk about normal things like carpet and waffles.
TOM: Carpet and waffles?
AMBER: They were the first things that came to my mind that were normal. Pardon me.
TOM: So you’re done being mad at me?
AMBER: Yes. If you promise to let me know when someone is in the room with you.
TOM: Will you log on Skype?
AMBER: I don’t know. Are you alone?
AMBER: Fine. But you won’t be getting any boobage tonight.
TOM: You’re mean.
(And I know I’ll be asked about this: NO I have not had my butt waxed. I had watched a show where someone had done it which is why I was talking about the subject. I talk about the oddest things. I’m known for that. I’m known as The Girl Who Talks About Subjects That Aren’t Exactly Proper. Hello. Nice to meet you.)