Thursday, January 13, 2011

My Dear Letters

It’s fun to write letters. The following are letters that I wish I could send.

---------------------------

Dear Tommy,

No, I’m sorry, we aren’t getting another pet. Do you know why we aren’t getting another pet? Because I’d most likely get stuck taking care of it. You might want fish, but then I’d have to scrub out the tank. You might beg for a hamster, but cleaning out the cage will gross you out. So, I’m sorry. For now, we’re sticking with Max the Cat.

Signed,
An-I’m-Not-Cleaning-After-Another-Living-Thing,
Amber

------------------------------

Dear Kirsten Dunst,

It’s been said that you uttered these words at a New Year’s Eve party: “I’m Kirsten Dunst! I can’t believe I’m begging to get into a Las Vegas party!” Honey, who CARES if you are Kirsten Dunst. In fact, who cares if a person is a celebrity to begin with? They shouldn’t have rights over us “regular” people. The people who SHOULD have rights? Soldiers. You know, the ones that risk their lives for their country? THEY are the ones who should be celebrated. Kirsten, get a lesson from Adam Sandler, who seems to get this. He always thanks a soldier and openly says that the award shows make him feel ridiculous when there are people out there dying.

Signed,
A-Tired-Of-“Celebrity”-Nonsense,
Amber

PS—Josh Duhamel, you also need a lesson. I hear you like to throw fits in airports and was pissy when the flight attendant asked you to turn off your cell phone when the plane was about to take off. You may look like you stepped out of a GQ magazine, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

---------------------

Dear Natalie,

Why must you be playing nicely until the phone rings? Then you’re up in my face, scrambling to add your voice into the conversation and I’m sorry, it’s annoying. Play with your toys! You know what, when you’re a teen and the phone is glued to your ear, remind me to lean against you, adding MY opinion to the conversation. Payback is a bitch, sweetheart.

PS—I also plan on snatching the book that you’ll be reading and running down the hall, as you like to do with MY books. Let’s see how funny you think it is in ten years, sweets.

Signed,
A-Would-Love-A-Quiet-Phone-Convo,
Amber

-------------------------

Dear Toddlers and Tiaras,

You’re a freaky show. I’m sorry, but it’s not right to get a two-year-old tanned. A five-year-old does NOT need to get waxed. I’m all for the natural pageants because yes, they can give a kid confidence. But makeup on a toddler and seductive dance moves? No. Not appropriate.

Signed,
A-Feels-Sorry-For-The-Orange-Sprayed-Kids
Amber

-----------------------

Dear Lost,

I still miss you. I still have not found a show as good as you were. The Tudors came pretty close, but that’s also finished. Come JJ Abrams....you created Lost, please come up with another entertaining show.

Signed,
A-Missing-My-Hurley
Amber

----------------------

Dear The Today Show,

I’ve lost a little respect for you since you put Snooki on your show. Seriously, she represents almost everything wrong with Americans right now. She drinks too much, she sexes random men, she’s rude, and she’s not that bright. It’s probably all the hairspray. But really, why must we glorify people like this? I know it’s because Snooki makes the network money and gives the program higher ratings...but it would be a breath of fresh air if one day a network was like, “You know what? Screw the money and ratings we might get. This chick doesn’t deserve the attention.”

Signed,
I’d-Switch-To-The-Early-Show-But-I-Have-A-Feeling-Snooki-Was-There-Too
Amber

----------------------------

Dear Target,

Rumor has it that you’ll be marking toys 75% off today. I plan on going to check it out. I cannot pass up a good deal.

Signed,
A-Needs-To-Get-To-The-Deals-Before-Old-Lady-Hog-Takes-Them-All
Amber

49 comments:

  1. Love the letters - has Kristin Dunst even DONE anything in the last few years besides hit up rehab? Didn't think so...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Toddlers and Tiaras -exactly what's wrong with our network execs. And Snooki too. Who are these execs that think putting these freakshows on television parade are good ideas? I want to kick them where it counts.

    And couldn't agree with you more on the whole celebrity v. soldier letter. Right on. Right on.

    Best,
    AmericanBridget

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good letters! I completely second your opinions on Snooki, celebrities {I now heart Adam Sandler so much more} and little girls who squeal while I'm on the phone or want to take my book for their own. Payback baby.

    ReplyDelete
  4. They wax those mini princesses? Ewwwwww.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love Adam Sandler!! I heard him a few weeks ago on an awards show and he thanked the troops at home and deployed. Loved it! And I cringed when I saw the preview of the 5 year old being waxed...poor girl!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Toddlers and Tiaras freaks me out.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Amen to Lost. I haven't found a show that comes close. I miss being excited every week to watch something!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just watched T&T last night. Poor babies! Duct tape and glued on eyelashes. The babies were crying.

    Then this morning my 4 yo stands with me at the mirror and puts on mascara, blush, lipstick and perfume on like a pro. A pro, I tell you.

    I can't decide if I'm a hypocrite or not.

    Love the letters!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Generally if I see celebrities on the news I turn the TV off. Servious they get paid to act like other people I normally don't care about their lives, because it makes me feel ashamed the people with jobs that shape our children's lives don't get paid more and that they don't see the injustice.
    I was surprise how much I loved LOST, but JJ Abrams did have a new show on but I hated it and I have no idea what it was called now. I just want Chuck back on now.
    I saw Tod's in T's before and it made me sick. When my peanut wants to wear make up I paint princesses and cat noses on her face and call it her makeup.
    The child phone thing makes me go take calls in my upstairs closet secretly. I like the idea of revenge though.
    I love your letters! Keep um' comming, and have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have a teenager and a husband who does that while I am on the phone and it drives me mental.

    LisaDay

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's my fault that celebrities get so much attention. I LOVE me a celebrity tabloid.

    and I'm off to Target.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh this SO needs to be linked up with Letters of Intent tomorrow! :)

    I totally agree with ya on the baby pageants - I am stunned by the questionable decisions by parents!

    And some celebs (or psuedo-celebs) need some lessons in how important they really are in the grand scheme of things...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Absolutely,no make up on toddlers and seductive dance movements...I totally agree with it.Celebrities? Who cares about them?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm a bit of a T&T addict - mostly because watching the pageant moms makes me feel SO much better about my parenting skills.

    Jersey Shore, I recently started watching. I think it's a hilarious trainwreck. Like I cringe but can't look away. My 14 year old is disgusted with me.

    I'm pretty sure the only time I'll ask anyone "Do you know who I am?!" is when I'm in my 60s and the Alzheimers is in full swing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. All I'm thinking right now is how quickly I can get out of the house and get to Target or if it is already too late.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am addicated to Toddlers and Tiaras...I can't help it. I hate how the kids are the ones w/ all the control. it's insane!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love the idea of payback with Natalie & the phone!! She will die from embarrassment!

    Yeah - and that whole "do you know who I am thing?" Please. Grow up and get over yourself, Kristen.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love your letter to these bratty celebrities!! I've always loved Adam Sandler, but reading what you wrote about him made me respect him so much more. What a cool dude.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Celebrities suck.




    I wish I was one.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Toddlers and Tiaras, Sister Wives, Sarah Palin...all reasons I QUIT watching TLC all together.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I try not to watch that show because so much of what those retarded moms do to their poor daughters. The are trying to live vicariously, and not in a good way.

    I did, however, see the commercial where they pull the wax strip off the kid's face and she's SCREAMING...
    Yeah, because nothing shapes a childs's character like torturing them.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I actually laughed out loud at this!

    And why the eff didn't I know about this Target deal? Headed there ASAP!

    ReplyDelete
  23. The toys were only 30% off at our Target yesterday. What gives?

    And, spoiled rotten celebs? It's just sad.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Great letters. On the celebrity one, I would love to say: Dear Duff. I know you're popular with the teens and all that, but seriously, your celebrity status should not net you a book deal. You may have a tad more singing talent than Britney, but your writing stinks.
    Signed uppublished and bitter.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I love these letters! Especially the one about Natalie's book stealing ways (by the way, I had boys, and payback is glorious!), I'm still missing Hurley and Lost, and what IS the deal with the Today Show... a new and horrible low with the Snooki.

    Thanks for making me laugh!
    Nita Jo

    ReplyDelete
  26. I don't think teen-aged Natalie will let you get away with that (like you are letting her)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Celebrities are completely ridiculous. They are doing a job for crying out loud. So we know who they are because we watch them and that entitles you to extras? Dont think so!

    ReplyDelete
  28. You should watch the Walking Dead. The first season marathon (6 episodes) is on Tueday.

    http://blogs.amctv.com/the-walking-dead/2011/01/the-walking-dead-marathon.php

    Trust me. All my Lost buddies are loving this.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Any blog post that references SNookie must be tested for herpes...just sayin...

    ReplyDelete
  30. How shameful...the only reason you're a celebrity is because the "regular" people deign to watch your movies and listen to your music. Without us, you'd be nothing... Sorry, that's my little rant. Totally feel for you on all of these. And 75% off...ooooooo. I know nothing about Snooki and I have no desire to remedy that situation.

    ReplyDelete
  31. OMG toddlers and tiaras don't get me started..I just can't believe that they have 2 and 3 year olds getting ACRYLIC NAILS.. are you f.....ing kidding me ..a toddler does not acrylic muther freaking nails..that kills me..cuz I have a thing about acrylics..and they hurt ..i used to get them all the time when I was younger lol.


    ahhhhh now im mad. lol

    ReplyDelete
  32. Well, if you like The Tudors, then I assume i can trust your taste in television. So was Lost really that good? My husband and I started watching the first season years ago and liked it, but then it got weird and we got fed up. I had a lot of respect for JJ Abrams with Felicity, so had high hopes. Should I invest in it or is it just cheesy?

    And I love this idea. If I wrote a letter to Target, though, I'd tell it that it's my nemesis, that it might be the devil, because it sucks all my money like a vacuum.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I <3 writing imaginary letters! And I really <3 reading yours.

    WAXED? Little girls? What is there to wax?

    ReplyDelete
  34. What on earth do they have that needs waxing? Then again, I don't even want to know. LALALALALALALALA

    ReplyDelete
  35. AMEN on the Today Show featuring Snookie!!! I was speechless when I walked into the room and saw her there, on my favorite Usually Always Takes The High Road morning show. My respect for Matt and Co. plummeted at that moment and it ruined my day!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I saw that waxing scene from Toddlers and Tiaras on a preview today and wanted to vomit. How can people do that to their poor innocent children? Disgusting!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Great letters. I'm looking forward to Natalie: the teenage years. She could have her own show. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  38. I really think Lost was the best show ever made. Thankfully I've found a new addiction - Mad Men.

    ReplyDelete
  39. LOL, my husband has the same complaint about our kids and the phone. Whenever he's on it they are all over him, making noise. Not so good when it is a phone interview :P

    I miss LOST too...Abrams has a new movie coming out. That's something I suppose

    ReplyDelete
  40. You are so lucky to have a Target!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was about 2 feet away from Josh Duhamel in NYC last fall. No, he doesn't have the right to act like a spoiled 2 year old. But I can see why the man gets what he wants.

    Snooki? Makes me gag.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Love the letters!!!
    I miss LOST too. And I think Snooki is a stupid trampy hosebag!

    ReplyDelete
  43. So a freind of mine posted about a site you might alreayd know about or will be forever thankful to me for introducing you to. http://paddylovesbailey.blogspot.com/2011/01/dear-blank-please-blank.html

    ReplyDelete
  44. The moms on that show Toddlers and Tiara's are seriously deranged.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I have to say, I rather enjoyed Snooki on Today because I felt like Matt Lauer (god of the morning) talked to her like she was stupid. Granted, she didn't get this, but I liked it.

    ReplyDelete
  46. i love your letter to your daughter. so freakin true! my kid hates the phone & rarely wants to cuddle until i get on the dang phone. lil twit just wants to eavesdrop.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment!

Share This

 
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...