Friday, March 11, 2011

The Annual Exam

It was that time of year again.

The time of year where I have to answer questions like this:




Yup.

It was time for my annual exam. I scheduled it when both kids would be in school. This is because I didn’t want to explain what a cervix was to them.

I hate these appointments. I know they aren’t horrible, but I tend to make it seem like it’ll be worse than it is.

As I waited to be called back, I thought of some things that are worse than an annual exam:

Being in a room with Charlie Sheen

Going to a party that contains only healthy foods and no cake

Thongs

Conversing with the Crazy Twilight Lady who lives on my street, especially when she goes on about Edward and Jacob, who aren’t even REAL


“Amber?” the nurse called out.

Elliptical machines....

“Amber?”

Oh. Crap. That’s me.

She led me to another thing that is worse than an annual exam.

The scale.

“You’ve down four pounds from last time,” the nurse said, scribbling something in my chart.

“It’s my Sketcher Shape Ups,” I explained. “They help me burn calories and help me tone my as—er, backside.”

(Actually, I don’t even know if that’s true. I’m assuming. Or it could be all the stress of things breaking since Tom has been gone.)

The nurse blinked at me and said I could sit on the exam table while she asked some questions.

After I answered those, I was told to get naked, which is basically what Tom says to me when he wants to do the nasty. He’s very romantic, that Tom. Anyway, I always dress at lightening speed because I have this fear that the doctor is going to walk in and my pale ass is going to be waving in the air. I always hide my underwear because the doctor doesn’t need to know that I sport cotton undies with cupcakes on the rear.

And then I waited for the doctor to come in as I sat in the paper gown that crinkled whenever I moved.

I thought of something else that is Worse Than An Annual Exam:

The entire Jersey Shore cast. I still don’t understand their popularity. I just don’t see—

“Amber? How are you?”

Oh. The doctor came in.

“I’m good,” I fibbed. Not really. I was sitting naked on an exam table with only a tiny paper gown covering my goods.

The doctor asked me some questions and then it was time for the exam.

“So you said your husband was in Korea?” the doctor asked as she checked my breasts for any lumps.

“Yes. He left in August and will be back in August,” I replied as pressed down on my boobs. Was I really having a conversation in the middle of all of this? Yes, yes, I was.

Then it was time for the not-so-pleasant bit. Into the stirrups my feet went and I thought of other things that were Worse Than This:

When the McDonalds milkshake machine stops working

Most likely the musical episode of Grey’s Anatomy…

“All done,” the doctor said.

Oh! Neat.

I got a new prescription for birth control and was sent on my way. Yes, I’m still on birth control even though Tom is gone just in case I run into John Krasinski. I’m kidding. It’s just so I stay regular. And so I won’t get pregnant when he gets back.

Two is enough for me, especially when my two are very, very loud.

59 comments:

  1. Amber, you're so funny. I'm going to try your tactic of things worse than the lady check next time I go. Especially as, in Japan, you're waving your goods to a whole room full of nurses. No, I am not kidding.

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  2. ugh, those exams are never fun are they! what a gift you have to be able to find a way to laugh at it. :)

    ~h

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  3. Too funny. I love your list of things that are worse.

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  4. Well at least you could understand your doctor... I had my annual recently with a new doctor, from Nigeria... who was trying to have a conversation with me the whole time... Its bad enough to keep having to ask someone, What? excuse me? huh? in a normal conversation... but much worse when they are examining your lady parts...

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  5. I LOVE your sense of humor! That was a great way of making the time go fast!

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  6. Laughing my butt off over here...oh, if only it were really possible to laugh it off! Ha!
    Thanks for sharing your misery with us.
    I always hide my undies too and find it extremely awkward to carry on a conversation with a strange man as he feels up my boobs. I'm way overdue for an appt. with him too! Gah!

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  7. Too funny! I've been putting off scheduling my appointment (bad, bad me). Maybe I should work on a list to get me through. I could think of worse things or who I'd rather have down there than the doc....

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  8. When I have my annual exam I try to just brush it off like it's no big deal. I guess I think if I pretend I'm not worried then I won't worry. It never works.

    I'm going to try thinking about worse situations I could be in. Maybe that will help.

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  9. Your list of things that are worse is cracking me up!

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  10. Oh there's nothing better than walking out of there feeling all slimy and violated...and they don't even buy you dinner...or at the very least, a stiff drink.

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  11. I had a male intern in mine last time. And he did a pelvic after my doctor. That was awesome. I told my husband another man was inside me that morning. He was thrilled.

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  12. But if you had three they would be very very very loud

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  13. I will most definitely have to try your trick of thinking of worse things next time... My favorite on your list is Jersey Shore, that one made me snort!

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  14. I felt like it was the most horrible experience in the world ever until several years ago. I had a cancer scare and they don't know what caused things down there to change. Now, I don't mind going. It's not something I look forward too, but I don't dread it anymore like I did. I guess it's all about perspective.

    I hide my undies too. I feel like they're already seeing enough of me. They don't need to know what type of panties I wear too.

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  15. I'm REALLY afraid of this musical episode of Grey's. I think the writers are running out of ideas...

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  16. I hate those doctor visits! I get so nervous I'm always afraid I will fart...just saying ! I know TMI

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  17. I loved your list - it is all about keeping things in perspective. Had to laugh at the questionaire at the top - only here can sexual promiscuity or abuse get you better benefits!

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  18. Oh I wish I had not read this. It is time for my "annual" exam too. Damn!

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  19. Funniest post ever, thanks for the laughs!

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  20. UGH! Thanks for reminding me I need to make an appointment for my yearly exam.

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  21. I hate those appointments! Can't wait for my term to answer super embarassing questions.

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  22. I'm your newest follower! Please feel free to follow me back at www.jessielynnsmith.com

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  23. Loved it!! Thanks for the laugh.

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  24. Ha, I hate those visits!

    Sounds like it went relatively painlessly!

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  25. LOL. I'm still laughing so my comment will be short. I love your blog and will definitely be back!

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  26. After 5 kids, the annual exams don't bother me quite so much. I gave birth to my first child in a teaching hospital. I think most of the entire staff got to see my goods. More than once. I swear, everyone had a hand up in there at one point!

    So that would be something else to add to your "things that are worse" list! :D So glad I can brighten your day!

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  27. Haha I know exactly what you mean about undressing at lightening speed in case the doctor comes in mid-way through. At least it's done with for the next year.

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  28. LOL! I'm up for my annual exam soon. NOT looking forward to it. Ugh.

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  29. Very funny. I loved the crinkly gown. Why do they do that? Not only are you humiliated, but you make I-am-totally-humiliated SOUND effects!

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  30. I play games on my phone, or read on my Kindle app (also on my phone). If I read, I can pretend I'm a character in my story instead of wearing a paper gown. Characters in stories rarely have to wear paper gowns.

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  31. Oh isn't it a lovely time of the year.
    Last time while my doctor was feeling my jubblies...or boobies if you will...she said that I had a lot of freckles. I know, weird. I didn't know if that was a compliment or a suggestion that I may get skin cancer. Doctors are funny like that.

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  32. I'm loving the fact you took a picture of your sexual history and posted it. Good times.

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  33. That was funny. I will have to remember this when I go for my annual examine this summer.

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  34. Mine gives me a paper towel thing to drape across my knees. That confounds me, since the gown leaves nothing to the imagination, she'll be checking out the boobs and feeling the inside of my vagina. But the knees? Covered. Then again, I also hide my undies, so it's not like I'm the logic queen either. Also, I do see a woman, which is cool, but mine sounds like Minnie Mouse sucking on a helium balloon. It's hard to hear her ask about cycles, pap smears and the like.

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  35. Haha, I think I've read at least two of your other annual exams. Hopefully next time I wonder how long I've been reading you I won't think, Hmm, I've been reading Amber for about three girly exams."

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  36. lol love the list of worse things.

    Funny when your in the throes of childbearing it doesnt seem to matter everyone seems to be having a gander of a feel of something somehere there, but once the breeding is done, its back to modesty LOL

    My lady garden has been removed so I don't have to worry about whats worse now.

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  37. I hide my underwear from the doctor too! LOL! I thought I was the only person who did that!

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  38. I get to have this lovely experience next month....yippee

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  39. My god, is there anything worse in life than those exams?! Too funny--this made me giggle!

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  40. I'm glad someone else is afraid of the Grey's musical episode. It kind of makes me glad we don't have TV at home anymore. . .

    Also, the visits to the lady doctor? The. Worst.

    My doctor's been out on maternity leave, and my last visit, I was legitimately examined by someone named Dr. Barbee.

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  41. LMBO! Thanks for reminding me that I need to schedule mine!

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  42. As always, your posts crack me up! you have a special wirting gift of bloggy goodness! :) Loved it!

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  43. I would add ... having to clean out the nasty drain part of the sink :)

    Visiting from SITS :)

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  44. Thanks for reminding me of all the things that are 'worse than'. I have to book my appointment. Ugh.

    Thanks for the visit today!

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  45. This was freaking hilarious!!! I laughed at a bunch of the "worse things" You should publish this & sell it to the doctor offices & then all of us can have it as a quick read while we are waiting for the doctor to come in. LOL

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  46. Most likely the musical episode f Grey's Anatomy...

    Bahahaha this has me cracking up..I am having the same feelings over this too.

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  47. I've worked in many doctors offices.

    Believe it or not, the docs don't enjoy those visits either.

    Even if the girl is a hottie.

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  48. Although nothing tops the convos we have while these types of *personal* exams are being conducted, but you mentioning that reminded me of how our dental hygienist tends to ask a lot of questions - and all that require extensive answers - while cleaning our teeth.

    Hmmm.

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  49. I so agree with you. Thongs are inherently evil. Unless they are 100% cotton. Or have cupcakes printed on them.

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  50. My OBGYN kept me waiting two hours last time. I was so pissed!

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  51. Hilarious!....most likely the musical episode of Grey's Anatome! bawahahahaha! Most likely I'll have to boycott that one.
    I loved this post. And can I just say, the fact that your husband asks you to get naked is very sweet. It beats asking you to lift your nightgown up over your hips...just sayin'...

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  52. I should have employed your list tactic when I recently went to have mah boobehs smooshed. Instead I thought about how that poor technician has to handle boobs all day for a living. I'll bet she's creating a list in her head while she's working, too.

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  53. Last time I went for my exam, their was a picture thumbtacked to the celing of kittens. Like one of those cheesy calendar type photos of two cutesy little kittens in a basket. -_-

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  54. hahah! you are so funny! I honestly don't mind the annual woman appointment. I don't think it's that bad. But I am totally with you, I take my clothes off super fast cause I'm worried the doctor will walk in on me while i'm undressing. haha, I just shove my clothes in the corner. Last year at my appointment my girl doc asked if a couple male interns could come watch... and I was like UMM no thanks!! which reminds me, I need to get my annual appointment scheduled.. wahoo.

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  55. i always feel so awkward when they talk to me during the exam

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  56. I keep running into my gynocologist -- even at our summer resort last summer. He was in a baseball cap and shorts. Not sure which is worse: running into your gynocologist or your therapist when you're in shorts and bathing suits.

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  57. I'll have to try that theory next time I'm at a dr. LOL. You keep us entertained!

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