Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ham Steaks and Alcohol?

“I don’t want to get drunk!” Tommy shrieked.


Let’s back up a couple of hours before Tommy’s statement was uttered.

It was Sunday. Easter. And I was in charge of making Easter dinner. On my own. I made it easy for myself and got a ham steak, instead of a regular ham. Ham steaks are safe.

Then I decided to make mashed potatoes, a sweet potato casserole (from a box, I’m not that bold), devilled eggs, corn, and rolls.

Simple enough.

Here’s the thing though: I don’t like making multiple things at once. It tends to overwhelm me. I generally make simple foods…Hamburger Helper, Sloppy Joes, spaghetti...

Proof that my kids are used to simple stuff?

When I was mashing the potatoes, Tommy blinked and went, “Where’s the box?”

I usually make mashed potatoes from a box, you see.

I was in the middle of mashing potatoes, flipping the ham steak, stirring the corn and then I heard a beeping noise.

“What is that racket?” I shouted. I was already overwhelmed and had dried potato on my nose.

“The oven,” Tommy called out.

Oh. Right. The sweet potato casserole.

I was in the middle of tending to the ham steak when I heard a splash...crap, the corn had boiled over.

I went to deal with that and then I smelt something burning.

And realized I forgot the rolls in the oven.

“Shit!” I bellowed. I yanked open the oven and reached in to grab the rolls…without an oven mitt. “SHIT!” My arm recoiled and I took a few steps back. An abandoned Easter egg got caught under my foot so I went sprawling to the ground. “I hate cooking,” I sniffled onto the floor that desperately needed to be mopped. What in the WORLD was that dark spot by my nose?

“Yay, we’re playing!” Natalie shouted, running in. She immediately dropped to the ground.

“I’m not playing,” I insisted, rising to my feet.

“Awww,” Natalie pouted.

I took the rolls out (with a mitt this time) and ran my burnt hand under the cold water. After my hand felt semi-normal again, I prepared the kid’s plates. I brought them out to the table, where my children waited. It would have been nice had they clapped when I walked out. I mean, I had slaved in the kitchen for hours. More like one hour, but still. Instead they blinked at me and when I set Tommy’s plate in front of him, he yelped, “It’s ORANGE!” and started gagging.

“Tommy, it’s sweet potatoes. You ate them all the time as a baby,” I explained.

“It’s ORANNGEEEE!” He turned pale. Tommy can be sensitive to foods.

“Fine, Tommy,” I said, sliding his offensive sweet potatoes on my plate. Then I went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of sparkling Apple Cider. “I got a special drink for us!”

I expected the kids to oooo and ahhh.

Instead Tommy went, “Is there alcohol in that?”

“No, it’s juice,” I explained through clenched teeth. I was about ready to lose my temper.

And now let’s fast forward to the beginning of the post.

To when Tommy shrieked, “I don’t want to get drunk!” Thank you, police officers who visited Tommy’s school and discussed alcohol and drugs. Or, if I’m being perfectly honest, Homer Simpson.

“You won’t get drunk Tommy BECAUSE THERE IS NO ALCOHOL in this,” I insisted.

“In school we were told to alert an adult if someone tried to offer us alcohol,” Tommy continued primly. “Alcohol is bad.”

Well, not when you need it at night after a hard day with two ungrateful children…

Obviously I couldn’t say this though.

“Alcohol is bad,” I confirmed. “You aren’t allowed to have any until you are 21 and even then, I’d prefer you not to ever get drunk.”

“Have you been drunk before?” Tommy wondered.

Oh for…

“Tommy, this is Easter. That’s not appropriate.” (As it wouldn’t have been appropriate to reply, “Yes. Lots.” ) I opened the apple cider and poured some in our special glasses. Natalie immediately took a sip.

“I like it!” she yelled. It would turn out the drink would be the only thing she liked.

Tommy took his glass and sniffed it. It was like he didn’t believe me. I sincerely hope when his teacher asked all the kids what they had for Easter dinner, that Tommy didn’t say, “Ham. And alcohol.”

“It’s not alcohol!” I snapped again. I was about ready to pour the non-alcoholic liquid over Tommy’s head.

Tommy took a tentative sip. He swished it around his mouth. Then he swallowed and went, “I don’t like it. Too spicy.”

As I said, Tommy is sensitive to foods. It’s why he doesn’t ever drink soda. Thanks to the fizzy bubbles, he insists that it’s too spicy for him. And since the apple cider was bubbly, I could see why he didn’t care for it.

After the drink drama, I started to eat. Everything was edible.

Next year, however, I hope we’re rich enough to be able to afford a cook on Easter.

Or if not, perhaps we’ll just go out to eat.


  1. Surely it would have been more worrying if he had said, "Cool! Alcohol! Let's get drunk, Mom!"

  2. I needed this laugh today!! I do believe we have a lot in common when it comes to the kitchen. :o)

  3. your kids crack me up! We had spaghetti for Easter dinner... totally not tradition, but much easier to make. :-)

  4. Love it! Sounds like quite the Easter feast.

  5. And all my Son did was talk to Freaks during the weekend. My mom made him BBQ meatballs for Easter lunch. He had 10 or so.

    At least you tried.

  6. My kids said the same thing about the sweet potato souffle I made. It was from scratch and delicious. I'm still eating it three days later cause I'm the only one that will eat it. *sigh* Tommy cracks me up. I was laughing so hard. What adult did he think he was going to alert when you offered him the suspicious drink?

  7. I always destroy my kitchen when I try to cook. Thank goodness the Mom in law lives next door and always wants to cook the holiday feast. All I had to do was bring pasta salad and a desert.

    Sounds like you made a wonderful dinner. I love sweet taters ;)

  8. My niece also does not like pop because its "too spicy". Oh my word - that he thought that was alcohol....funny.

  9. I totally get the food sensitivity. Jakes is just now starting to drink some soda. But only when there isn't anything else. Good job cooking for easter! I bet it was wonderful!

  10. Make dad cook it next year- or go out:)

  11. Haha! I know it's horrible to say this but Tommy would be a hilarious drunk! ;)

    PS Having a giveaway for $50 Target GC, come enter, it's for a good cause!

  12. The closest story I have to this is when my cousin was whining to my grandma one night because he wanted cold water. So she got him water from the door in the fridge. He kept whining because he wanted it COLD. She kept explaining it already was. (I suppose he wanted ice...) Finally she was like "IT'S ALREADY COLD! IT'S FROM THE FRIDGE!" and then she kind of sighed.
    Now that I am a mother, I can see how she was probably DONE with our whiney butts and ready to hit the box wine when we went to sleep...

  13. The fancier the meal - the more things that can go wrong - I'm all with you on simple meals! And burning the my house growing up, that's how you knew it was time for dinner!

  14. lol.. so funny!
    when i was little i was pretty sure that root beer was alcoholic!

  15. Oh, I would DEFINITELY eat out next year (giggle)..!

  16. so last night, i was drinking a sprite. my daughter took a sip and yelled, "IS THAT BOOZE?" to which i responded, "are you drunk now?" and she looked slightly worried. after i confirmed it was soda, she and her 4 yr old brother kept drinking sprite yelling, "i'm drunk, i'm drunk, i love being drunk". i know this will come back to bite me in the ass.

  17. At least he doesn't want to get drunk...

    I think it sounds lovely. I'm very impressed with the effort you made (especially without the hubby around).

  18. It is hard when you have so many things cooking at once plus trying to take care of the kids!

  19. A laugh a day keeps the boogeyman away and your post *always* have me laughing!

  20. We had spiral sliced ham (that I didn't heat up because it's good cold and I didn't want to dry it out), Betty Crocker Au Gratin Potatoes (from a box), corn on the cob, and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. Martha Stewart, I'm not!

  21. I am dying laughing at his reaction! I think you all needed a drink at that point. OK, maybe just you!

  22. I loved that Natalie thought you were playing! you get major mom points for trying! My mom tells me how happy she is that I took an interest in cooking so now she doesn't have to! Maybe Natalie will be a budding culinary artist!

  23. Can't get much better than that opening line...

    Love your kiddos. And I'm always traumatized by cooking for longer than 20 minutes too.

  24. Yeah. Just go out to eat. ;)

  25. Hilarious! My kids often ask - are getting wine out? I don't even drink really but I am sure they would if we would let them. We are in BIG trouble!

  26. Good lord- when you are on your own you get take out! Or go to Whole Foods and get some of their take-away stuff, because at least you can feel like it's semi-fancy if you pay an arm and a leg for it!

    Never, never go OUT to eat (well, maybe if your kids are better behaved in public than mine are. Which they most likely are), because that will stress you out more and as an added bonus, you get the judge-y looks from the wait staff and are branded The Mom Who Won't Cook Dinner For Her Kids On Easter.

    I applaud you for even TRYING to cook a fancy meal for your kids on your own, and the fact that it was edible! What a good mom...

  27. I love that he lectured you on not giving him alcohol. I feel like family holidays would have been better for me had alcohol been involved ;)

  28. If it's not in a box, I can't cook it. Maybe that's part of why I still live at home.

    I think our family get-togethers would be much more entertaining (or at least interesting) with alcohol, but they're strictly against it. uber religious. They disliked my status when I wrote that I was drinking. I'm old enough!! It's legal!! But they don't like it. *sigh*

  29. I think there was something in the air on Sunday. I cooked dinner, just for the two of us, and everything went wrong. But good for you, making a fancy dinner for you and the kids. I know you don't love to cook, and it would be easy to eat mac 'n cheese (or whatever) the whole time Tom is gone. But you're getting the kids to try new things.

  30. Um, that story made me laugh so hard my abs hurt. :)

  31. Noooo! Don't go out to eat!! Where would we get our Easter laughs next year??? ;-)

  32. It's amazing the difference in the son and daughter would have done the exact same thing! He had a hot dog for Easter dinner....

  33. Dinner sounded good to me. I can relate to Tommy. I hate fuzz, too.


  34. My Cherubs lo-o-o-ooooove that sparkling cider and make a big show out of feigning drunkenness when they consume it.

    Such a proud mama, I am.

    Thanks for stopping by the other day...always glad to talk Chuck Norris with a kindred soul.

  35. I love your posts! You definitely need some real alcohol next Easter.

    Crossing my fingers that he didn't tell his teachers ham and alcohol.

  36. Amza also says carbonated things are "spicy." Glad he's not alone. He also LOVED the mashed potatoes I made out of a box for Easter and told me they were the best he's ever had. Such a weird kid.

  37. LOL!!! This post is awesome. And hysterical. I hope your son doesn't rat you out for giving him what he thinks is alcohol on Easter Sunday :p

  38. So glad to hear someone else cooks like me -- though I usually wind up dropping it on the floor, trying to transfer it from a platter to plates. I did that the first time I cooked for my husband when we were dating; dropping the whole friggin' salmon on the floor. Scooped it up and served it. He still married me. And I still drop the salmon.

  39. Thanks for the laugh! I lucked out and someone else cooked Easter dinner for me.... but I can relate... it IS hard to get multiple things ready at once!

  40. Hahaha! Our Easter meal was thoroughly untraditional this year which we loved ... tacos and bean dip. :)

  41. You just KNOW he told everybody. . . he is so funny! Though my daughter would totally proclaim it 'spicy,' too.


Thanks for the comment!

Share This

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...