Friday, April 22, 2011

My Dear Letters

Here are some letters I wish I could send....

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Dear eBayers,

When a seller specifies that they expect payment within three days of the auctions end, they mean it. If something comes up, please communicate. Don’t just make up your own rules.

Signed,
An-irritated-seller,
Amber

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Dear Extreme Couponers,

Please don’t take all the Aspirin. It’s rude.

Signed,
A-sometimes-normal-people-get-headaches,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

Please stop telling pregnant women, “If your baby gets stuck, don’t worry, they can use a vacuum to get it out.” You’re scaring them.

Signed,
A-sorry-just-has-a-son-who-is-infatuated-with-pregnancy,
Amber

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Dear thighs,

You MUST stop growing so I don’t scare people in my swimsuit.

PS. Legs, I swear I’ll shave you. Eventually. It’s just, with Tom being gone I don’t see much of a point.....

Signed,
A-pretty-hairy-with-plenty-of-thighs,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

Look, I know you want me to be more spontaneous. Which means you wish I’d get naked more on Skype. But I’m sorry. I worry someone will walk in your room. Or someone will BE in the room and you won’t even let me know until it’s too late. Plus, suppose one of the kids comes down and sees their mother in the buff on the computer chair? What an image! I’d rather not pay for those therapy bills.

Signed,
An-I’ll-just-get-a-sexy-outfit-on-Victoria’s-Secret-and-call-him-in-that,
Amber

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Dear movie theater nachos,

I can’t wait to have you later. You’re the reason why I’m taking the kids to see Rio. I’ve missed you so much.

PS. Don’t worry movie theater popcorn, I’m getting you too. With lots of butter. And Sno Caps sprinkled in.

Signed,
A-no-wonder-my-thighs-are-big,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

What was the purpose of biting the couch? And by the way, the vase is NOT a toy. I don’t care if your Barbie wants to sit in it.

Signed,
A-really-would-like-to-have-nice-things-someday,
Amber

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Dear ham,

Please don’t burn on Easter. Otherwise we’ll be having Peeps for dinner.

Signed,
An-actually-wouldn’t-mind-Peeps-for-a-meal,
Amber

46 comments:

  1. I'm all for Peeps for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! You can throw in some dunkaroos too!

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  2. that was a great way to start off my Friday!!!

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  3. This made me laugh out loud multiple times! We watch that extreme coupon show and I about die when they buy 35 bottles of Maalox. And don't even have heartburn. UGH!
    Have a great Easter weekend. Love your blog!

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  4. I watched the one where they had the twin girls who were couponers and one of them had a collection of diapers that would rival a celebrities shoe closet. And she didn't even have kids. Insane...these people are just hoarders of another kind.

    Of course if the Zombie Apocolypse does come....I'm high tailing it to one of these peoples houses.

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  5. We have recently learned the joy of buying the movie thatre popcorn just to bring it home and watch a movie on the couch. Yep living next to a theatre and cold stone have done wonders for my diet lol

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  6. Seriously needing this laugh today!! thank you!! hahaha

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  7. Love this post. I might write some letters of my own. Thanks for the inspiration!

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  8. Holy Smokes - that was hysterical!!! LOL!!! I could use some of those letters myself, thank you very much!!!

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  9. Great post! I may have to steal the idea though. Do you mind?

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  10. I've decided to become an extreme couponer.

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  11. Sigh of relief that I am not the only one to have conversations with body parts.

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  12. Oh dear, my husband's home and I barely shave my legs...oh and Barbie loves all kinds of big people-human stuff. I used to empty my dresser drawers and set them upright on the floor for a house.

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  13. Extreme coupon-ers (???) is CRAZY!!! Why do you need 59 mustards? Really? It's a clear sign of greed - yes, buy one get one free - I would buy two... I wouldn't buy 96!!!

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  14. Best one yet!! I love your letter post.

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  15. SO glad I'm not the only one who is negligent about shaving -- and I don't even have the excuse that my husband is away! Just not enough time in the shower!

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  16. perfect, peeps for dinner and that is maybe what Tom will get for Easter too?

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  17. Well if the ham burns you can always eat peeps naked for the hubs? haha love your post though, made me laugh ;) Happy Easter!!!

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  18. Gawd, I love your sense of humor. It's like I want to take you to lunch and just listen to you talk. Freaking hilar. And Happy Easter. Hope the kiddos don't get too sugar crazed and drive you bonkers, but if they do, the stories will be delicious come Monday!

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  19. I thought Easter basket candy WAS all the food required for Easter day.

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  20. Secretly I'm like BURN THE HAM. I want Peeps for dinner!!!

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  21. UGH! I hate that! I tell everyone that I want payment in 5 days, in return I ship within 48 hours of payment.

    Is it really that hard to type an email?

    OH... and FYI, If it all goes to hell with the ham, I hear peeps are awesome roasted over a campfire. :)

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  22. Love it! I didn't read through all the comments so forgive me if this is a repeat.... but check out http://eclecticrecipes.com/peeps-smores-for-easter

    Mmmmmmm. (Although ham is good too.)

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  23. If your man isn't in the vicinity, why bother to shave? That wouldn't show up on Skype anyway. ;)

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  24. I think your Dear Letters are some of my favorite posts!!

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  25. I had to laugh at Natalie biting the couch. Reminded me of when my eldest son bit the roll of toilet paper - I still don't know why!!!

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  26. Peeps for dinner sounds pretty good to me.

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  27. This extreme couponing thing just keeps getting stranger! If you buy tons of Aspirin, either you take a TON ...or isn't it going to expire before you deplete your supply??

    Those poor pregnant women! LOL

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  28. "PS. Legs, I swear I’ll shave you. Eventually. It’s just, with Tom being gone I don’t see much of a point....."


    im sorry, but seriously i'm laughing out of my chair. my hubs has been gone for 2 months and will be coming back into town on wednesday- i fear the body prep I have to do before he comes! not to mention my mess of a house. oh lord. :)

    you made my night!

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  29. Love these. I feel the same way about the Extreme Couponers. No wonder my store is always out of random stuff. I'm currently working on an open letter to the drivers of my city. They have some serious issues.

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  30. Sno Cap in popcorn, eh?

    This was awesome.

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  31. Bwahahahaha! (What's wrong with Peeps for dinner??) :D

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  32. You write what the rest of us only think!! So thank you!!!!

    Happy Easter - Buon Pasqua!

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  33. LOLOLOLOL. You are too funny. My husband has been gone all weekend and I have not shaved either. Since it's just me...I don't see the point. :)

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  34. You just crack me up, Amber! Happy Easter. My husband IS home and I still don't shave my ever-growing legs. Don't I sound like every man's dream wife?

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  35. Tommy, you're scaring me and I'm not even pregnant!

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  36. I like movie theatre nibs.

    LisaDay

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  37. OMG......You are Hilarious!!!

    LOVE the letter to your thighs! I need to send that out to mine too!

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  38. Heehee, I love these! You should actually start sending some of these out (NOT to inanimate objects, of course)and post the replies you get - if any...

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  39. Mmmmm sno caps and buttery popcorn. My arteries are screaming but that sounds good.

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  40. Tommy is just being helpful! Scary, but helpful. :)

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  41. i had movie theater nachos on sunday and they were the best ever. EVER. I have dreams about them.

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