Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cellulite and Jiggly Thighs

I was dying.

At least, I felt like I was dying.

I huffed and puffed up the tiny hill and reminded myself why I was doing this.

So I don’t scare people on the beach in my swimsuit!

A bead of sweat slipped down my back. Ew. So what if I scared people in my swimsuit? If Borat could traipse around in that green thing he put on, who cares about my cellulite and my jiggly thighs?

I had to keep going. I could do this. It was just a mile. I used to run the mile in high school in 7 minutes. Walking was no big deal. Of course, I was fit in high school. And now…well, I know I’m not fat, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself fit.

“Walking sucks,” I breathed out, slurping down some water from my bottle. A man jogging past gave me an odd look. What? Don’t people talk to themselves while exercising? Or perhaps that’s just me.

I didn’t want to be the fat one during our annual family reunion. All my cousins are skinny. It would be lovely if one of them could be overweight, but no. One of my cousins popped out two kids and you wouldn’t even know it. She doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her. It’s just not fair. Why didn’t I get those genes?

Then again, she probably doesn’t love fast food like I do. I’ve only ever seen her eat fruits and vegetables and tiny portions during meals. And then there I am inhaling the chocolate that I insisted be included and going back for seconds.

I wear tankinis on the beach. No bikinis, because yikes. My stomach is covered in stretch marks and looks like a deflated ball. I’d worry people might think I was diseased if I exposed it. Then I’d be like, “No, not diseased, my minions just stretched me out as much as my skin could go.” Especially Natalie, which isn’t surprising considering her temperament.

“Keep walking,” I mumbled. “Just keep walking.” My face was burning. I was sure it was bright red. It didn’t help that it was nearly 100 degrees.

I kept moving and when I made it back to my house, I sprawled out on the living room floor. The blast of air conditioning felt superb. I didn’t want to move but I had to get up and finish packing for the Texas trip. I’ll be there until the 14th so I had to ensure I had proper clothing.

Only…I had to get myself off the floor.

“Walking bad,” I said into the carpet. I need to hire a personal trainer who will scream at me to get off my ass. I’d probably cry, but at least I’d be working out.

Is Jillian Michaels for rent?


  1. Your post made me laugh. I, too, hate exercise, and I don't get it when people talk about enjoyment of moving. I'd rather curl up with a good book and a latte. Which is probably why I need to exercise more. Have fun in Texas!

  2. this cracked me up! and I'm much rather eat chocolates and seconds and wear tankinis than sport a bikini and miss out on the good stuff!

  3. I love this post. :) And I WISH JM was for rent - I need a good kick in the tush to get it moving!

  4. I am so not an exerciser. I find all that sweating and breathing heavily to be very uncomfortable. And I don't like to be uncomfortable.

    But I should probably try to be more like you and spend more of my time walking up hills. Good luck and keep it up!

  5. I have a family reunion in 2 weeks with all my skinny sisters.......and I'm the vest one out of 5 ! It's gonna suck....and I workout it's just my body doesn't respond to exercise it responds to chocolate.

  6. That was a great read, but really... life's too short to worry about what other people think. At least that's what I've convinced myself so you won't see me on that hill! ANd I am fat. ahahah.

    Hope you have a great trip, enjoy seeing the family! That's what really matters.

  7. I talk to myself while I work out too. Usually my language is quite foul too!

    Jillian Michaels scares the crap out of me and I'd probably binge eat when she wasn't looking.

  8. SO glad to know I'm not the only one!!! Kudos to you!! Stick to it, it'll be worth it

  9. Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

    Unless its chest pain. That shit is REAL.

  10. *clears throat and does best JM impression*

    "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!!!!!"

  11. Pretens you are what you eat. You are all things sweet and tasty and full of love. your cousin is all fiber and starving from the small portions. lol

    But good for you to keep walking. It will get easier!

  12. You crack me up! I have similar conversations with myself at the gym!

  13. Walking = bad.
    Running = dead.

    Enough said, now go get yourself a piece of pie. ;)

  14. Jillian Michaels scares me. I'd probably get all the exercise I need trying to run away from her.

    And then I'd be skinny enough to hide.

  15. I'm a tankini girl too...the tummy has too many stretch marks, and I'm still trying to get it in a semi ok state.

    Congrats on getting started! It stinks, but once the weight comes off you'll be happy. :)

  16. Uh-Oh! I think you got spammed... Boycott American Women?? hmmm. Perhaps I will... the arguments are almost convincing...
    Anyways -- back to your post, and not your weird comment :)
    I don't like your cousins. They seem like terrible people. Especially the cousin who had 2 kids.. ;)
    If I don't have to exercise, I could be your drill instructor :) "Down and give me 20!... Not 20 snoozes! Push-ups woman! I meant push-ups!!" :)

  17. I don't mind walking, but I see no reason to run unless I'm being chased. I totally understand what you mean about family gatherings, though, I went through the same thing with my sister's wedding recently.

  18. I talk to myself all the time while I am out walking. I usually shut myself up when people jog by though haha. Exercise and I don't get along too great either.

  19. Oh what a difference a personal trainer would make for all of us!

  20. i can't stand that some women DON'T get stretch marks...seriously not fair. and yes, i talk to myself when i'm trying to jog and shove my two toddlers in their gigantic stroller up hill.

  21. Haha! I love this! I felt like I was reading it straight from a book. :) Just focus on pacing yourself and small goals. I'm very much out of shape, myself, and I would just die if I did anything too extraneous without starting slow and small. I'd still like to have you blogging! :)

  22. Hahaha, walking is terrible! I walked to the "close" post office, and almost took a cab home! But, a vacation on the beach next week means I must walk!

  23. I think that one comment may be spam. LMAO

    I'm glad JM is not for rent. I think she and I would come to blows. And of course she'd win because duh! Look at her! So then I'd get a knife and well, it just wouldn't end well.

    Hate exercise. Love food. 'Nuff said.


  24. All of us moms love you and your honesty...I love going to the beach, but I HATE wearing beach attire!

  25. Gillian Michaels is nasty! She probably can't walk a mile, so stop beating yourself up! You did it and you can do it again!
    As for talking to yourself, I have entire conversations when I'm out walking, and quite often, I answer myself. So I think it's safe to say, you're ok.


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