I was going to die on this plane, wasn’t I? It can’t possibly be normal for it to shake this much.
I gripped my Diet Coke as the plane dipped. My stomach lurched and I took deep breaths. I couldn’t die like this. There was so much I hadn’t accomplished yet. Like...getting a novel published. Beating Angry Birds. Having a gay best friend.
Plus, I needed to make it to New York City. It had been my dream to go for years.
“Are you okay?” the lady sitting beside me asked. It probably worried her that I had turned white as chalk and was muttering, “I don’t want to die,” over and over again.
“I’m fine,” I lied.
The plane dropped again.
“Bumpy weather, huh?” the lady said cheerfully.
How could she be cheerful when we could be on our death beds? Or death seats, really.
The captain of the aircraft came over the loudspeaker....ahhhhhh, he was letting us know we were all going to die and—
“We’re circling LaGuardia currently. Because of the poor visibility, we have to wait.”
It was horrible weather. The skies were dark and gray. Miserable. Not the best first impression of New York.
Still. I’d let it go. New York had so much to offer.
If I made it to New York, that is.
It took forever to land. The captain kept coming on and saying. “We’ll land in 10 minutes.” Then he’d pop back on and say, “My apologies, that’ll be 20 minutes…”
At that point, I really had to pee. But there was no way I would go in the airplane bathroom. So I crossed my legs tightly and tried to think of happier things.
Like Times Square!
And…and…Serendipity. Mmmm, frozen hot chocolates.
We landed an hour late. At that point my bladder was screaming but I had to get to my best friend Jennifer. We had a scheduled a shuttle to take us to the hotel and I was already way late.
I found Jennifer easily and we checked in for the shuttle and I hurried to the bathroom. I behaved like a New Yorker and knocked people over. Well, not really. Just this one chick who was in the middle of the hall yakking on her phone and she refused to move even when I said, “Excuse me.” When I came back out, the shuttle was waiting. I took a step outside and thought, “I made it to New York! I didn’t die after all!” I took in a deep breath and..
…well, okay, New York sort of smelled like pee.
But that’s fine, there are tons of people in New York. It’s allowed.
My heart was thumping with anticipation as the shuttle drove us to Manhattan. I discovered that people really did drive like maniacs in New York. I could not drive in New York. I’d cry.
The shuttle driver took us to The Roosevelt Hotel.
Pretty, huh? And you can save 20% if you are a Facebook friend. FYI. I’m all about saving money.
Waiting in the lobby was Summer, a blog friend who was meeting us for dinner. And she knew the area, so that was helpful.
Have I mentioned I’m bad with directions?
We ate at Benihana. I’ve never eaten there before but I was impressed. And everything was SO good.
Then it was off to Times Square to Madame Tussands where I got inappropriate with some wax figures.
And excuse my haggard appearance. I had survived a terrifying plane ride and didn’t bother to put on makeup when we left the hotel.
First off, I was trying to escape King Kong.
And then George Clooney was like, “Hey baby, wanna go out?” (I said no.)
I hung out with the Osbournes and did not eat a bat.
I ran into Rob Pattinson and was not impressed.
Neither was Jennifer.
I picked Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose and he told me what was going on between him and Bar. He claims she wants to settle down and start a family and this tends to terrify him.
Jennifer became a rapper.
We hung out with the Obama’s.
I attempted to drive in New York. It did not go well. I ran over Jennifer.
And then she ran over me when I was trying to shop.
Regis and Kelly interviewed me.
I messed with Donald Trump’s hair. He now wants me on The Celebrity Apprentice.
I briefly died.
Summer hung out with Lucy.
I was alive again and hung out with Janis Joplin. We have the same hair.
Jennifer and I tried to take Mark Spitz’s gold medals.
Summer found boob tassels.
I mocked Justin Bieber.
Jennifer soothed him and was like, “Don’t worry. I still love you.”
And that was Madame Tussands. I believe I got my money’s worth.